Mother pretended I was adopted

[VanillaRex]

In the past few years, my relationship with my mother has become quite strained. We used to get on really well but I feel like since having my own child, a lot of memories from my childhood have resurfaced and I'm finding it hard to forgive her for these things.

Some examples:

• she made up a whole story that I was adopted. Fake names for who my real parents were, planted letters from my birth mum for me to find and read, gave me her address. I was very young - maybe 7 or 8. It went on for a long time & I didn't believe her initially but obviously started to doubt this and it only ended once it was clear I found it very distressing.

• would comment on my weight/body a lot. She would tease me about not developing breasts pre puberty and then as I got older, she would often accuse me of being pregnant as I 'had a belly' I didn't, I was a very slim child/teen.

• She told me that she'd visited a psychic who gave her reads on all of her children. She said the psychic had told her that I would 'never be happy in life' this was repeated to me many times over the years and I feel like this has stuck with me. I come back to it whenever I have something going on in my life and it hangs over me no matter how ridiculous I know this is.

• She confessed to me after her divorce from my father that he had 'done something terrible, so bad that if she told me I would never want to speak to him ever again' but then refuses to tell me what it is. I used to ask a lot over the years but eventually had to let it drop. My mind used to go into overdrive worrying about what it could be. At one stage I was genuinely scared he'd murdered someone and was afraid of him (he had form for being violent so not a stretch.) This started from when I was maybe 12/13 years old.

She paints herself out to be such a good mum, loving and caring about her children but there's just so many things that stick with me that have now created this distance between us. These are just a few in a long list of things that I can recall. I know that if I brought up how I felt she would be dismissive and say she was joking or defend herself in some way.

I don't really know why I'm posting or what I'm asking but I'm wondering if I perhaps need some therapy to deal with the things that still bother me? Is it possible to ever recover the relationship do you think? I'm not even sure what I'd like the outcome to be.

Thanks for listening

Your mother sounds like a cruel and manipulative woman who used you for mind games.

I would think carefully about whether you need this person in your life.

Definitely go and see a therapist so they can help in do some of the awful thoughts she planted when you were a child.

Every word you've wrote has resonated with me. I wasnt told I was adopted but was told she had cancer (she didn't).

I've realised so much since my children were born about my childhood. It's such a horrible realisation.

I hope you manage to find a way through this

OP I think it can impact you in so many ways having a mother like this. I also had a level of disordered eating in my teens and have struggled with social anxiety my whole life although outwardly people think I’m super confident. I also have struggled to feel loved or allow myself to be loved in relationships. Almost as if it’s not worth opening up emotionally as the abuse will always come eventually. I think it’s made me quite self sufficient/unreachable as a romantic partner although platonically I am a great friend to people I love. I cannot fathom ever doing to my DD what my mother has done to me.
Be kind to yourself. It’s very upsetting when you fully acknowledge your abuse. Try to access support and please know you are a good person and none of this is your fault.

Agree with the others on therapy.

I made the mistake of keeping contact with my mother over the years, even low contact was too much.

I should have cut contact many years ago and kept my children away from her.

That would be the main concern is keeping you DC away from her.

Fucking hell. What a cruel woman. This is not normal @VanillaRex. Please get yourself a therapist.

She sounds horribly emotionally abusive, coming up with inventive ways to psychologically torment you. I’m so sorry you endured that.

This is horrendous abuse. Please seek help and, if possible, go low/no contact with your mother. She may try to emotionally damage your dc in the same way.

Your mother sounds mentally deranged and abusive. I hope you can get some help (for you, not her)

Be very wary of her trying anything similar on her grandchildren.

* I also have struggled to feel loved or allow myself to be loved in relationships. Almost as if it’s not worth opening up emotionally as the abuse will always come eventually*

This actually made me cry, this is how I feel, that somehow I am not worth loving

Your mother has some serious issues. Quite possible some trauma in her own childhood at the root of it.

Op how awful for you :(

I agree with pp that your mother sounds as if she has serious issues which she hasn't even come close to dealing with. Whether she was adopted as a pp said is interesting. I wondered if you're the oldest and whether your birth fell within a few months of your parents marriage (if you yet my meaning)?

I also think its likely your mother was brought up abusively and is repeating many of the behaviours she experienced herself.

I hesitate to suggest it as I think its wildly overused by armchair psychologists but I would also wonder if she has a personality disorder.

None of this of course is an excuse for the way she has treated you.

I'm glad she sought to protect you from your father, but her behaviour seems very confused as a parent so clearly something isn't right. Please seek the help of a good therapist if you want to to help you deal with your childhood.

Only go NC with her if you feel it's the right thing for you. Parental relationships are complex and don't feel pressured into it but equally, if it's the right thing for you to do then you must look after yourself.

I would though examine the boundaries you have in place with her and not be afraid to reinforce them if they need it.

You are not jinxed, op, and my heart goes out to you

That's one of the worst things I've read, I'm so very sorry thay happened to you. Psychotherapy would help you come to terms with this dreadful abuse.

I wish you all the very best

I didn’t realise until after I became a mother how poor my mother’s behaviour was. I expected to understand her motivations once I was also a mother but instead I realised how bad, and unnecessary, her choices were. Maybe something similar is happening to you?