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Original poster

Some perspective needed - red flag or overreaction?

35 replies

Hayati79 · 25/10/2021 23:12

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and not and so I could really use some perspective please.

My partner works abroad, and we see each other every few months. In 6 months or so his contract will be over and we’ll be moving in together.

He has quite an active social life, the city he lives in is very transient and so people make friends easily - he goes out with mainly work friends - always make. Also as a cultural norm (Islamic country), generally single women only socialise with other women.

He mentioned tonight that he has a friend at work that he talks to, and her friend died a few days ago. Her friend bought her a gift (flowers) and she was upset that they won’t last long. So he went out and bought her a frame and a pressing kit to preserve the flowers, and she was over the moon.

Now, part of me thinks it’s a lovely gesture, but I also feel so hurt that he’s never mentioned her before (he talks about his work colleagues a lot, by name, and has never ever mentioned her) and suddenly they are close enough that he’s bought her a thoughtful gift? I can’t understand my own feelings on this and I feel sick inside that I feel jealous over a gift he bought for a grieving friend/colleague.

How would this make you feel? Do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 25/10/2021 23:15

On this occasion yes I’d say give your head a gentle wobble!

Original poster
Hayati79 · 26/10/2021 00:18

BlushThen I will not say a word to him about it!

OP posts:
LionelMessy · 26/10/2021 00:29

If there was anything more going on than the gift then he wouldn't have mentioned her.
He was probably proud of himself as bring thoughtful do you could say proud of him too and forget about it.

SeasonFinale · 26/10/2021 00:43

Honestly he sounds lovely and I agree if there was anything in it he wouldn't have told you about the gift at all.

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 00:44

@LionelMessy

If there was anything more going on than the gift then he wouldn't have mentioned her. He was probably proud of himself as bring thoughtful do you could say proud of him too and forget about it.
Not true at all, I'm afraid. It's pretty common for sudden new friends to become the other woman/man.
Butterfly44 · 26/10/2021 01:02

That's a lovely thing to do. The friends friend died fgs. It's thoughtful. Id be proud op.

Opentooffers · 26/10/2021 01:22

You go for months without seeing him, that's why LDR are hard. You have no choice but to trust, if you don't ( and most would find it hard) then a LDR may not be the best thing for you. I wouldn't chose it, not to another country for months, not many would. All you can do is wait it out and see if your plans come to fruition, the worst that can happen is wasting 6 months, on top of any time you've had your life on hold since you met him. Worth the wait for now most likely, but if he puts it off as the time draws near, that will tell you more.

1forAll74 · 26/10/2021 01:53

A perfectly nice gesture to the woman. Don't go overthinking this.

1MillionDollars · 26/10/2021 02:00

I wouldn't mention anything but I'd keep an eye on if he talks more and more about her.

Nice gesture. I don't know your boyfriend, maybe he is just the kind and caring person but most blokes I know wouldn't do this unless the liked or wanted that person to like them. Cynical I know but a blokes perspective

I still wouldn't say anything though.

SarahBellam · 26/10/2021 02:05

That's a beautiful thoughtful gift, though not the sort of gift you'd get someone if you were after a shag (unless it was the 19th century when frilly lingerie and a bottle of Chanel No. 5 was harder to come by). You should be proud of him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/10/2021 02:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

todaysdilemma · 26/10/2021 03:48

Irrespective of her personal circumstances and however tragic they may be, i'd find it odd he's never mentioned her. Especially if he's mentioned other friends regularly. I don't think the death of her friend and how he has responded negates your initial worries that she's been a secret until now.

Is this the sort of present she'd be able to buy for herself alone, or is it that she'd need a male chaperone to come with her? Because I'm wondering if maybe they aren't very close but he knows she wouldn't be able to do this herself?

Unless he is generally a very thoughtful present giver with everyone, I would be curious and gently probe more on how close they are, and why she's never been mentioned. I always question any deviation in standard behaviour. along with "would they have done this for any of their male friends". May not be the case for you at all - but an ex of mine worked abroad too and had a local colleague he mentioned only very rarely - but the few times he did, it always seemed like he was looking out for her/protecting her (she was much younger and from a very impoverished family). On the surface it seemed very sweet and thoughtful but it felt odd as he certainly didn't react that way to any of the other male interns. Anyway, he then decided to delay his return home by a week saying he had lots of work to still finish. Turns out she was throwing a major birthday party and he'd wanted to stay for that. We had a massive row when he did get back and I snooped, discovered he had maintained detailed notes of each day with musings on how happy he felt in her presence, and how he wished he could stay with her rather than return to his stressful life (with me). We broke up after that but I realised he'd always had a soft spot for her as she represented an escape from life back home.

Maybe check to see how he's really feeling about the job ending and returning back home too.

RantyAunty · 26/10/2021 05:56

Hate to be cynical but they never seem to do these things for blokes or 70 year old Mary.

Their kindness seems to be reserved for women they find fuckable.

OuchWhatWasThat · 26/10/2021 06:22

@RantyAunty

Hate to be cynical but they never seem to do these things for blokes or 70 year old Mary.

Their kindness seems to be reserved for women they find fuckable.

Grin Right!
Justcallmebebes · 26/10/2021 08:43

"Hate to be cynical but they never seem to do these things for blokes or 70 year old Mary.

Their kindness seems to be reserved for women they find fuckable."

Amen to that

anotherdisaster · 26/10/2021 13:28

I wouldn't say anything to him but I don't think you are being unreasonable in how you feel. Yes its a lovely things to do and he told you about it but, would he have done something so thoughtful for a man or a much older woman?

Original poster
Hayati79 · 26/10/2021 16:22

I don’t know how to broach the subject again, because if it was innocent I’ll look ridiculous. I think I’ll see if he mentions her again.

It does just feel like an oddly specific gift to buy a colleague, and I think some of you are right - it’s unlikely that he’d have bought it for a man or an older woman.

I think it is something she could have bought herself, she probably wouldn’t be working if she wasn’t able to go shopping etc.

Also he isn’t really a thoughtful gift giver in my experience. He’s bought me jewellery and flowers, the usual generic things, and maybe that’s what makes me suspicious, because it seems like he’s really gone out of his way for her.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 26/10/2021 18:50

Leave it and watch. If you say anything he'll just go out of his way not to mention her name.

KirstenBlest · 26/10/2021 19:10

Hiding in plain sight.

He's told you about it because then it won't be a secret.

KirstenBlest · 26/10/2021 19:15

Giving flowers to a grieving colleague is a bit unusual IMO, but for her to have said they won't last long and for him to get her a flower press is weird.

She either is the OW, or he wants her to be the OW.
It's a great big red flag.

Tiredofbs123 · 26/10/2021 19:42

I’m sorry OP but I share the view that this is a massive red flag.

Please be careful with your heart right now!

todaysdilemma · 26/10/2021 19:50

@Hayati79

I don’t know how to broach the subject again, because if it was innocent I’ll look ridiculous. I think I’ll see if he mentions her again.

It does just feel like an oddly specific gift to buy a colleague, and I think some of you are right - it’s unlikely that he’d have bought it for a man or an older woman.

I think it is something she could have bought herself, she probably wouldn’t be working if she wasn’t able to go shopping etc.

Also he isn’t really a thoughtful gift giver in my experience. He’s bought me jewellery and flowers, the usual generic things, and maybe that’s what makes me suspicious, because it seems like he’s really gone out of his way for her.

Why would it be ridiculous to mention it though? You need to stop worrying about being the 'cool gf' and being comfortable asking who the friend is/how she's doing since he's never mentioned her before. Be assertive about your instincts - as long as you aren't accusing him of cheating or raging at him, there is nothing wrong in expressing curiosity about who this colleague is he's done an unusual favour for.

Never ever feel ridiculous for having an open conversation if you feel something is not right or a boundary has been crossed. This is your life and relationship as much as it is his.

TheFoundations · 26/10/2021 23:53

I don’t know how to broach the subject again, because if it was innocent I’ll look ridiculous

This is a concern. Why is your fear of looking ridiculous greater than your need to feel you're in a safe, secure relationship?

Why can't you talk to him? You're not able to be yourself in this relationship, it seems.

Original poster
Hayati79 · 28/10/2021 23:56

Thanks for the different perspectives. I did bring it up in the end, in a very childish and ridiculous way (he text me to say he was going to buy groceries and I replied “why don’t you buy your girlfriend at work another gift” Blush not my usual style at all!

We talked about it and he realised how it must look to me, he apologised.

I’m still not sure, it’s made me realise how I do just blindly trust him, but I will see how things go. We have no DC together, nothing tying us together, so if he does delay coming back the the UK (and many people do go out there “for a year” and end up spending many years there!) then I’ll know where things stand.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/10/2021 00:32

@RantyAunty

Hate to be cynical but they never seem to do these things for blokes or 70 year old Mary.

Their kindness seems to be reserved for women they find fuckable.

I'm probably old and cynical but @RantyAunty has nailed it for me.

The prettier they are, the more considerate they are, has been my experience.

Maybe not a red flag but I would be suspicious and I'm not suspicious at all by nature.

If this strikes you as unusual then do not disregard your gut.

I bet you are correct to be uneasy.

Sorry.

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