Some perspective needed - red flag or overreaction?

[Hayati79]

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and not and so I could really use some perspective please.

My partner works abroad, and we see each other every few months. In 6 months or so his contract will be over and we’ll be moving in together.

He has quite an active social life, the city he lives in is very transient and so people make friends easily - he goes out with mainly work friends - always make. Also as a cultural norm (Islamic country), generally single women only socialise with other women.

He mentioned tonight that he has a friend at work that he talks to, and her friend died a few days ago. Her friend bought her a gift (flowers) and she was upset that they won’t last long. So he went out and bought her a frame and a pressing kit to preserve the flowers, and she was over the moon.

Now, part of me thinks it’s a lovely gesture, but I also feel so hurt that he’s never mentioned her before (he talks about his work colleagues a lot, by name, and has never ever mentioned her) and suddenly they are close enough that he’s bought her a thoughtful gift? I can’t understand my own feelings on this and I feel sick inside that I feel jealous over a gift he bought for a grieving friend/colleague.

How would this make you feel? Do I need to get a grip?

Oh ffs

OP, please bear in mind that posting here, the audience is alot of people that have been cheated on, or received support themselves who then respond to others with their own experiences.

With the best will in the world, there is an anti men bias

Nice men do nice things. That's why we love them. My partner gave a girl money on a train as it was a peak train and she had an off peak ticket. I wasn't there and she was a young woman. Guess what? He didn't shag her. Didn't stay in contact. Didn't sleaze. He just helped her get home when she was stuck.

And that's the kind of guy he is, and why I'm with him.

Please don't let strangers on the Internet use their bad experiences to bring you down

@baileys6904

Your husband doesn't know this person or will see this person again. I've bought people bus tickets, men women, I've offered to pay for things in stores. Means nothing

I get what your saying though, it is anti men on this site. It's such a shame and very biased. I've been on and off here for 10 years. You (men and women) get jumped on.

I've said it from a blokes perspective, never been cheated on. As a bloke I would worry about the msg it sent and I know my ex would feel uncomfortable about my actions because there would be a lot to read into it.

Blokes do these sort of thing for ulterior reasons. Cynical I know.

Everything a man does for a women is for sex 😀 can't remember what tv show that Pearl of wisdom is from. It's funny coz unfortunately it's quite true.

I'd just keep an eye on it snd see how much he drops her name into conversation. He might feel drawn to her, just like her, have a little crush and it be completely harmless.

I do genuinely think it's true though. I barely ever see men doing these kind gestures for other men or women they don't find attractive. As a 20 something I was constantly on the receiving end of these kindnesses, including a colleague who insisted on buying me a coffee from Starbucks every single day. It's not that I don't think they're nice gestures, I think there is a degree of ulterior motive there, hoping you'll consider them if you break up with your partner or whatever. Even if they're not even aware of it.

One of the reasons I fell hard for my DH (we were colleagues) is because of how thoughtful he is with things like this.

For example, a colleague was having a hard time following illness, he completed a project for her and told nobody so it looked like she'd done it. Another one he did her shopping for her and took her flowers. Both of these women were in their 60s and he at the time in his late 20s btw so hardly doing it because he found them "fuckable" - just raised somewhere people look after each other. He's also very thoughtful with his male friends and to be honest sometimes when I'm feeling fed up with him for other things he'll come to me all happy because he's had an idea for something nice to do for a friend and it makes me love him so much again. He is this way with me too though so I guess it would be different if he was kind and giving with everyone else and not me.

I'm usually the first to tell people their men are shit and they deserve better but only you really know whether he is a good one or whether he could be up to something with this colleague. It's a bit worrying that your reaction to being stressed and worried was to childishly lash out like that. Work on communicating your feelings clearly and calmly to him and if you don't feel able to ask yourself why? It's not a good sign for a relationship if you can't express yourself to him.

@CecilieRose

I do genuinely think it's true though. I barely ever see men doing these kind gestures for other men or women they don't find attractive. As a 20 something I was constantly on the receiving end of these kindnesses, including a colleague who insisted on buying me a coffee from Starbucks every single day. It's not that I don't think they're nice gestures, I think there is a degree of ulterior motive there, hoping you'll consider them if you break up with your partner or whatever. Even if they're not even aware of it.

It's a shame you have had so little experience of kind men. Your experience isn't universal though.

@TheFoundations and yet multiple women have posted the exact same thing on this thread. Sounds like perhaps your experience is the anomaly here.

[quote CecilieRose]@TheFoundations and yet multiple women have posted the exact same thing on this thread. Sounds like perhaps your experience is the anomaly here.[/quote]
MN isn't a random or representative cross section of the population, and yes, I imagine my experience is the anomaly here, although I'm not the only person saying similar.

It could be genuine, of course, but I can understand your suspicion. My DH is kind but he's not thoughtful like that. If he bought another woman a thoughtful gift, I'd be highly suspicious of his motive. No, I've never been cheated on but it just isn't what most men would do, especially as, OP, you say that his usual gifts are nothing special. I think mentioning it doesn't make it less suspicious. He wants to talk about her (which people often do when they think a lot of someone else) and has a scenario to describe in which his part seems merely kind and supportive - but why does he want to tell you about it? It's not as if you're likely to hear about it anyway.

I hope it's not what you think but, sadly, it may well be.

My problem is that I am very prone to overthinking, and so it’s difficult to know if feeling jealous is a legitimate feeling or if I’m just overthinking the situation. Also being long distance can really compound feelings of jealous because neither of us know what the other is really doing.

I do trust him and I think he just felt really sorry for her. He told me that she’s in her 40s (he’s mid 20s) so quite a gap. Hopefully nothing to worry about but I’ll just have to wait and see really.

Feelings are always legitimate. It might be that your partner has done something wrong, or it might be that your defences are misplaced, but that's who you are and you can't deny it, minimise it, nullify it without using the tool of disrespecting yourself.

'When you do x, I feel jealous/upset/angry/belittled/whatever' isn't an accusation. You can open a discussion like this and both share your feelings. It's healthy. Suppressing your feelings because you think you might have got it all wrong isn't healthy.