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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ever feel like your husband is just not that into you?

31 replies

hereforthechat · 25/10/2021 21:27

..because I do!

My husband is just generally really unenthusiastic around me. I get one word answers and unimpressed looks but told he is "fine" if I ask what's up. He has moody vibes but says he is happy when he looks anything but! I don't think I have done anything wrong, we aren't arguing about anything... just feels like he isn't that into me. I don't really know how to resolve it when I'm told he is fine if I ask. He isn't depressed, it really does just seem to be around me. We still have sex a few times a month. He knows the days that's more likely to happen (generally the weekend) and he definitely makes more effort to talk to me on those days. This makes me feel used and like I'm only good for sex as far as he is concerned. Just not sure what I can do to improve this. It's starting to feel quite awkward. Like there's an elephant in the room that only I can see if that makes sense?!!

OP posts:

theremustonlybeone · 25/10/2021 21:32

nope and i wouldnt be treated as someones sperm bucket either. He sparks a bit of convo when he knows he can get some sex. Sounds truly miserable. My DH has always made me feel like a goddess...he would tell me when I looked great and when crap but he always made me feel wanted and lusted after. If your husband spends his existence stomping round grunting like a moody teenager i would have lost interest in him a long time ago

Jasmine00 · 25/10/2021 23:15

Why is it all about him and how he's feeling?
Are you happy with a marriage like this because it sounds very unsatisfying and underwhelming to me. He should be trying to make you happy every day, otherwise what is the point?

Onthedunes · 26/10/2021 01:38

And your conclusion is......

He doesn't really deserve sex does he ?

I love @Jasmine00's post.

Anordinarymum · 26/10/2021 02:36

Why do you keep asking him what's up if he behaves like that? I wouldn't put up with a life like that OP.

It reads like your life has settled into some horrible pattern which needs to stop.

Start to ignore him and see how he behaves. He feeds off your reaction to his moods and only wants you for sex? You are not his property and you have to stop letting him think you are.
What a horrible man !

DBI78 · 26/10/2021 02:39

Has it always been this way? Is he depressed or stressed? This doesn't seem fair to you and it's reasonable for you to speak to him and ask for reasons why he doesn't talk to you and explain the impact this has on you. He may not realise 🙄 or he may be struggling himself. Do you do any hobbies together? Going out and doing activities or even staying in and playing cards or listening to music would encourage conversation more so than watching TV. If you try to talk and get nothing back or no change you may need to consider if this is working for you.

1MillionDollars · 26/10/2021 02:41

Felt like this with my ex. She paid more attention to her phone and new friends.

It all just got stagnant. Personally think people should just spend 10 years at most together band move on 😂 especially if it gets like your situation. Sometimes things just run their course.

You can try talking about it, he/you might listen to each other and try and make it better or nothing will change and this is the way it's going to be until you die or leave 😂

I paint a lovely picture don't I.

sjxoxo · 26/10/2021 04:28

I think ‘has it always been like this’ is a key question here. Did you originally have some spark between you?? Sounds like that has gone for whatever reason. If he won’t engage in conversation about this with you I think that’s a big red flag. I would take the following route:

have we just lost spark or did we never have any.. if it’s the latter I think you probably need to consider leaving tbh!
what can I do to reintroduce spark & try this shirt term
if no improvement I’d force discussion about it & how you both feel about your marriage
if he still won’t engage with you, I’d consider only what you want really and decide whether you want to stay or leave ultimately.

It sounds a bit like he is not very good at communicating and lacks self awareness.. these to me are quite serious issues and it sounds like you are both stuck in a big rut. I don’t think you should do nothing here as this (IMO) is a situation ripe for affairs and heartbreak. I think you need yo address it. Xxxxx

updownroundandround · 26/10/2021 06:42

He only bothers to talk to you when there's a chance of sex ?

Nope, no way would I be able to even think about being intimate with a partner like that !

Why do you have sex with him ? Is it because you think he's more likely to 'improve' ? Or to stay ? Or because you think you 'owe him' something because he actually spoke to you ?

You need to work out why you are still willing to engage in an intimate act with someone who won't even talk to you for the rest of the week..............

You deserve more.
He will never give you more than the bare minimum.

So decide on whether your happiness is equally important to you. (As opposed to your running round trying to 'please' him)

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 06:55

Thank you so much for all the replies. I think if I'm being honest with myself I have sex regularly because I know he will be distant/moody if we don't (past experience). I think I am feeling particularly frustrated at the moment as it has been a few weeks since we did it and I can clearly see a dip in his mood (circumstances haven't allowed due to me having a horrible cold, period, him being away for work). I'm going to push him for an answer as to why he is being off with me, I'm fairly certain it's because he hasn't had sex for a few weeks. If he says that then I'll have to seriously consider my options. I can't go on like this. It's like really subtle coercion and it's not ok. He never outright says that's the issue but I know if I went and had sex with him right now he would cheer up so it must be that, right?

OP posts:

Suprima · 26/10/2021 06:57

Has he ever been romantic?

desperatehousewife21 · 26/10/2021 07:02

So on the days he doesn’t think he’s going to get sex he barely talks to you and only gives one word responses? Sounds like emotional blackmail to me

PollyWog · 26/10/2021 07:03

That's definitely coercive. You deserve better.

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 07:05

@Suprima

Has he ever been romantic?

No! He is not really a caring person. I have even noticed that this extends beyond me to not really caring about anything. Doesn't have an opinion on any topics in the news... never seems shocked or horrified by anything that happens in the world... just nothingness!

OP posts:

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 07:06

@PollyWog

That's definitely coercive. You deserve better.

I think I tell myself it's not because it's so subtle and it's like he doesn't even know he does it. But deep down I know that it is. As it's already been a few weeks I will continue not to have sex and see what happens.

OP posts:

Suprima · 26/10/2021 07:10

@hereforthechat Well if that’s been the case, he’s probably not going do a 180 and be completely into you and giddily in love with you years on. He’s always been beige.

How tied to him are you?

It seems like you aren’t getting anything out of this relationship, and the only time he gives you any attention is when he is coercing you into sex.

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 07:20

[quote Suprima]@hereforthechat Well if that’s been the case, he’s probably not going do a 180 and be completely into you and giddily in love with you years on. He’s always been beige.

How tied to him are you?

It seems like you aren’t getting anything out of this relationship, and the only time he gives you any attention is when he is coercing you into sex.[/quote]
We have two young kids and an expensive house. I also recently quit my very well paid job to start a business and currently earn zero. Great timing to have an epiphany 😂 he earns good money.

OP posts:

morningglory84 · 26/10/2021 07:26

Did you already know that he is not a really caring person before you tied the knot with him?

There are 2 children involved here... better to first have a stable job first?

desperatehousewife21 · 26/10/2021 07:43

What does he do in his spare time, does he have hobbies/ see friends? Is he completely different around other people?

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 07:58

@morningglory84

Did you already know that he is not a really caring person before you tied the knot with him?

There are 2 children involved here... better to first have a stable job first?

I don't think I realised the extent of it no.

OP posts:

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 07:59

@desperatehousewife21

What does he do in his spare time, does he have hobbies/ see friends? Is he completely different around other people?

Not a lot. Occasionally golfs. Very much a workaholic and I do think he is more enthusiastic with work colleagues yes.

OP posts:

morningglory84 · 26/10/2021 08:24

Oh dear.

If I were you, I would get myself a job. I'd tell him how I feel about him using me for sex just so that it is clear to him that I am not happy. I would give him a taste of his medicine and use him for sex.

Stay strong dear

desperatehousewife21 · 26/10/2021 08:41

You definitely need to have a talk with him. Tell him you are unhappy and are not getting anything from the relationship and you need him to step up. Go from there, see if that opens up a conversation

KilmordenCastle · 26/10/2021 09:59

As it's already been a few weeks I will continue not to have sex and see what happens.
Sex is not a bargaining chip. Sex is something that people do together because they want to and because they both enjoy it. If you want to have sex then have sex, if you don't want to then don't. Don't play games, talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and ask him why he is so distant. Perhaps he is unhappy in the relationship, perhaps he is unhappy with something else in his life, perhaps he is just an uncaring arsehole. Whatever it is that's going on with him you need to sit him down and have a proper conversation with him to figure out where to go from here.

beautifulview · 26/10/2021 10:50

It doesn’t sound very hopeful for the future

Original poster

hereforthechat · 26/10/2021 11:52

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the comments.

OP posts:

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