Boyfriends home away with ex and kids

northerngirl142947 · 2021-10-25T17:15:00+00:00

My boyfriends in the process of divorcing his children's mum. It's half term this week, she had planned to go to Edinburgh with the kids, he's off and she asked if would go with them and he's has He asked me if I minded, I was a little irritated but said he should go for the kids sake and I hope they have a great time. They're in separate rooms and I trust him completely. I have a DD myself and try to remain amicable with her dad for her sake so I think this is really important. I've told a couple of friends what's has happened and they think I should have said he can't go and if he did go I should be ending the relationship. What would you do? I have no intention of ending it, as I trust him and I know the only reason he has gone is for the children but I'm curious whether other people would be ok with this situation

pog100 · 25/10/2021 18:23

Your friends have fuck all to go with your relationship and I think they are being ridiculous. You sound happy and secure with it, you can't anyway "say he can't go", you don't own him.
Listen to your own emotions and follow them

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/10/2021 18:29

Yes, you don't own him, it's not up to you and he shouldn't have even asked for your permission. It puts you in such an awkward position: if you say it's ok then you are effectively giving a green light to anything like this you don't like in the future and if you say no, you are a controlling bitch. Lose-lose.

But I would mind very much if I were you. It's not the potential for cheating necessarily that would bother me but the family reenactment which should be over for them and is confusing for the kids. You can be amicable etc without the joint holidays.

MushMonster · 25/10/2021 18:33

You trust him, so end of it. Go with your gut feeling.
It is good for the children.
If it were to become an every day thing then it is different. But a few days holidays, no problem?

RaisedByPangolins · 25/10/2021 21:25

@THisbackwithavengeance

Yes, you don't own him, it's not up to you and he shouldn't have even asked for your permission. It puts you in such an awkward position: if you say it's ok then you are effectively giving a green light to anything like this you don't like in the future and if you say no, you are a controlling bitch. Lose-lose.

But I would mind very much if I were you. It's not the potential for cheating necessarily that would bother me but the family reenactment which should be over for them and is confusing for the kids. You can be amicable etc without the joint holidays.

I agree with this.

My DP went to Center Parcs with his ex and the kids. He also invited friends and brother over to hang out there for the day with them. I felt sick the whole time he was there, and got very annoyed when we had an argument on the phone and he hung up on me and refused to answer the rest of the time he was there.

But it wasn’t because I expected him to cheat, but because he still does family stuff with ex and all their relatives, to the outside world it looks like they’re still a couple and I think he likes that as she’s conventionally quite attractive unlike me .

While he does usually invite me along too, I can’t stand his ex (neither can he allegedly!) so while I agree it’s nice for the kids, I just don’t want anything to do with it.

This has been going on for 10 years so do beware that you may have a future of this bollocks ahead of you for a long time! As long as you’re happy with it then your friends can butt out, but make sure you feel able to say no to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Munchkinpumpkin · 25/10/2021 21:28

Yh if you choose a man with kids you need to be able to accept these situations. Shows you are a good woman, well done

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 21:35

You're being sensible and he's being honest. You have healthy communication.

Your mates sound like shit stirrers tbh.

Mermaidwaves · 26/10/2021 01:38

I'm going against the thread here, I wouldn't be happy about this. No you dont know him but how do you know for sure they will be in separate beds? men spin this line all the time when they are cheating on their wife.

Original poster

northerngirl142947 · 26/10/2021 07:05

@Mermaidwaves

I'm going against the thread here, I wouldn't be happy about this. No you dont know him but how do you know for sure they will be in separate beds? men spin this line all the time when they are cheating on their wife.

I trust him 100%, he has been and will continue to keep in contact with me for the next few days. FaceTime when He can etc. I have absolutely no concerns that he would cheat on me.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm totally fine with the situation as I was a bit annoyed but I appreciate that spending time with the children is more important.

I suspect the ex wife has probably done this to cause friction between us but that's only my opinion and i'm secure enough in our relationship that i'm not going to let that happens

OP posts:

over2021 · 26/10/2021 07:08

Have you done the right thing? Yes, absolutely.

Would I be OK with it? Absolutely not!

backtolifebacktoreality · 26/10/2021 08:05

I wouldn't like it at all but l admire the fact that you are confident enough to not let it bother you.

Whilst it's important for the children to see their parents being amicable, I think that holidaying together, when they have new partners, could confuse them?

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2021 08:41

I think it really does depend on your relationship. How long have you been together?
I disagree that he shouldn’t have to ask your permission. It’s respectful to run things by your partner and if you decided you weren’t happy with it would he still have gone?

The only things standing out to me though are you say she asked to possibly cause friction between you two. The fact you don’t trust her too is a huge thing. It’s one thing doing stuff with the dc, like birthdays, even odd days out but a holiday is a bit much.
How old are they? Surely this is confusing for them and also you’ve been excluded from it.

I had a similar situation some time ago and a holiday presented itself over one of the dc’s important birthdays. But I had no issues with her and there was no feelings of anyone causing trouble. It was purely for the dc. But the difference was I was also included as his new partner. So both parents were there for the dc but no confusion for them that mum and dad might be getting back together.

If you trust him totally that’s great, but he really should of said no to this especially as I think the dc will see this as you excluded and may even be given a bit of Hope their parents will be together again.

I think you’re great though for understanding he has to be there for dc and sometimes it’s going to affect you, but a holiday together when one has another partner is a bit strange.
Also a coincidence he happened to already have that time booked off work, no?

Original poster

northerngirl142947 · 26/10/2021 08:58

He's a teacher so he was off with it being half term.

I haven't met his children yet and he hasn't met mine we've been together around 9 months so not a massive amount of time but we both have 50/50 custody of our children so manage to see each other plenty. Until we consider moving in together there is no need to meet each other's children and if it does come to that then it will be a slow process over a period of time.

I would draw the line at a holiday abroad but a few days away in the city is completely different.

I've been separated from my ex husband for 4 years and we still spend birthdays and Christmas together for the sake of the children, not the whole day of course but neither of us want to miss out so opening of presents, parties and xmas dinner we are both there.

There is not confusion about us getting back together just two adults who have remained friends. This is the same situation for my boyfriend.

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 26/10/2021 09:17

How long ago did he and his W split @northerngirl142947?

Maybebaby8 · 26/10/2021 09:28

Oh no i would not be happy with this. I'm not at all controlling, but no. They are a split family, they can be amicable and come together for birthday's but holidaying together is completely different. It's also confusing for the children and gives them hope that mummy and daddy might get back together. You can co parent without the family holiday's

Original poster

northerngirl142947 · 26/10/2021 10:09

@NotaCoolMum

How long ago did he and his W split *@northerngirl142947*?

January last year

OP posts:

Woodmarsh · 26/10/2021 10:49

Hello no would I be putting up with that. Not because I think hed cheat but because they aren't a family any more so shouldn't be acting like one.

I'm not convinced it's good for the kids, depending on their ages it could be very confusing for them. Mum and dad should be civil not acting like a happy family

TomAllenWife · 26/10/2021 11:04

I'm going against too

I absolutely would not accept this.
I wouldn't expect my exh to come away with me either.
I don't think it's healthy for children either, our dcs know there are 2 families now and we don't fucking holiday together

DPs ex tried this, he told her where to go and takes the kids away on his own

NotaCoolMum · 26/10/2021 15:00

They are still too enmeshed in each others lives. Getting together for a birthday party for kids etc is reasonable. Going away for a week to play happy families is not only undermining your relationship with him, but it’s very confusing for the kids x

MilduraS · 26/10/2021 15:22

To me it would depend on their relationship. My DH is good friends with an ex-girlfriend. They don't have any children but he still sees her during big group getaways through a volunteer thing they do. I've met her and she's lovely (though annoyingly more pretty and successful than me!). She's also happily married and about to have her second child with her husband. There's absolutely nothing in the way they behave to suggest they are anything other than good friends and I don't worry when they go away.

Fireflygal · 26/10/2021 15:33

I suspect the ex wife has probably done this to cause friction between us but that's only my opinion

Why are you seeking to blame his ex? Their relationship must be positive if she feels able to ask and he is responsible for saying Yes. It's not healthy to paint her negatively when you are not blaming your partner. She does need to respect your relationship as obviously taking a steer from him and legally they are still married.

I think it feels too early to go away together although it does depend on how long they were together. Sometimes you need quite a distance before emotions are completely over.

Ex's can be friends and that's healthy but I would have thought that's post divorce. Listen to your instincts....if they are great friends why are they divorcing?

LittleMysSister · 26/10/2021 15:35

I couldn't do this, sorry. I'm with your friends, way too enmeshed for me.

TomAllenWife · 26/10/2021 15:35

@NotaCoolMum 100%

LittleMysSister · 26/10/2021 15:38

@NotaCoolMum

They are still too enmeshed in each others lives. Getting together for a birthday party for kids etc is reasonable. Going away for a week to play happy families is not only undermining your relationship with him, but it’s very confusing for the kids x

And also potentially sets the children up not to like you or accept your relationship a presumably at some point this kind of trip would need to stop and be replaced by trips with you and your partner.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/10/2021 15:40

If they get on that well why did they get divorced ? Just pondering ... as I'd rather poke my eyes out than go on holiday with my ex . We are civil even friendly for pick up drop off ...but beyond that no way , I'd kill him before the day was out ( semi joking )

StoneColdBitch · 26/10/2021 16:00

I wouldn't be happy with this. It's great that they have an amicable relationship, and going together to child-related events like parents' evenings and school plays makes sense, but days out and holidays are a big no-no IMHO. It is potentially confusing for all concerned, including one or both adults (often in such situations at least one is hoping to get back together). They are now separated and need to act like it, IMHO.

My husband's ex suggested that he go on holiday with her and the kids early on in our relationship. I didn't say no as I didn't want to be seen as jealous or controlling. But my husband thought about it for a couple of days and then said no of his own volition, because he decided it would be confusing for the children and because he didn't want to use annual leave with his ex rather than spending it with me. I think it was the right decision on his part.