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Original poster

Boyfriends home away with ex and kids

44 replies

northerngirl142947 · 25/10/2021 18:15

My boyfriends in the process of divorcing his children's mum. It's half term this week, she had planned to go to Edinburgh with the kids, he's off and she asked if would go with them and he's has

He asked me if I minded, I was a little irritated but said he should go for the kids sake and I hope they have a great time. They're in separate rooms and I trust him completely.

I have a DD myself and try to remain amicable with her dad for her sake so I think this is really important.

I've told a couple of friends what's has happened and they think I should have said he can't go and if he did go I should be ending the relationship.

What would you do? I have no intention of ending it, as I trust him and I know the only reason he has gone is for the children but I'm curious whether other people would be ok with this situation

OP posts:

Suchi1 · 26/10/2021 16:09

I had a similar situation years ago and it didn’t end well so be very wary with this.

Opentooffers · 26/10/2021 16:13

It sounds like you are both still emeshed in your ex's lives above what's expected. It could be handy for you later if you cut him slack now, when it comes to you having Xmas dinner with your ex every year. This could work though, as you are both on the same page.

magicstar1 · 26/10/2021 16:28

I like to think I'd be okay with it, but I have two friends who were involved with separated men. Both of them had to own up to the fact that the "ex" got pregnant during a trip like this. Apparently drink was involved, and they wanted to see if there was anything still between them etc.
Unbelievably both of these women forgave them and stayed with them for about another year or two until they realised the guys were cheating all around.
I hope your boyfriend is different, but I couldn't deal with it.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/10/2021 17:42

@Maybebaby8

Oh no i would not be happy with this. I'm not at all controlling, but no. They are a split family, they can be amicable and come together for birthday's but holidaying together is completely different. It's also confusing for the children and gives them hope that mummy and daddy might get back together. You can co parent without the family holiday's

I would agree with this Would he be alright with you doing it? If you're ok about it, you need to say and keep some boundaries. From experience, he can't completely focus on his new relationship with one foot in the past.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/10/2021 17:43

*not OK with it

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/10/2021 17:45

They're not a family. Hebis the children's family and so is the mother but not all together. Why can't you go too as well? Because it would be weird? Why, if the kids understand their dad has a new girlfriend? They won't understand if they keep holidays like this.

MsDogLady · 26/10/2021 18:58

Your BF has agreed to blur boundaries and this does suggest residual enmeshment.

This holiday was an unwise move, as it sends mixed signals to the children. Unlike a birthday celebration or school play, this trip will be multiple days of concentrated ‘family time.’ The children can easily normalize this changed dynamic and raise their hopes.

Another concern is that his Ex has unresolved feelings that will intensify during the holiday togetherness. You suspect that she has an agenda to cause problems between you, which suggests that she has form for being manipulative.

Unless there are clear-cut boundaries, your relationship will be sabotaged, and particularly once you meet the children there will be much frustration for you.

FreedomFaith · 26/10/2021 19:14

Your boyfriend has been a bit stupid here. This is just going to confuse the kids and potentially his ex into thinking they are a family again. It's not going to help anyone really. But too late now really, it's done. I would have expected better from a teacher.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/10/2021 22:07

Plus he's getting his cake here, family time and a girlfriend. Win win

DobbleDobble · 26/10/2021 22:16

You can co parent and not be involved with the ex, except for brief chit chat at school plays etc.
They are not moving on with their lives and confusing the children I think.

lisaandalan · 26/10/2021 22:36

It's nice if everyone can get on, hopefully one day you and your daughter can go too. x

PissyMum · 26/10/2021 22:57

I’m currently on holiday with my ex husband. We’re in separate rooms (separate hotels actually, just same resort) he’s taking the kids alternate days, we’ve done one meal as a family together as it was ds’s birthday. My partner seems ok with it, he knows it’s the easiest way for us to facilitate contact as ex husband works abroad for weeks on end. We get on as well as I think it’s possible to do with an ex but I certainly wouldn’t do a weekend away together with constant joint activities, that seems like a step too far for me.

doodledeedum · 26/10/2021 23:31

If you're trust him and everyone is amicable, it's your call x

madisonbridges · 26/10/2021 23:50

You've only been going out 9 months. Neither of you have met each others children. If there's a possibility he wants to get back with his ex, it's best you find out now. So I think it's a great idea they go away together. You see so many posts on here where there's a toxic relationship between the parents, and the children end up suffering. This sounds a nice situation. Good on all of you.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly. My friend and her husband divorced but stayed good friends. Her ex had problems with a house sale chain so asked if he could stay for a few days til he could move into his new one. Within about 5 hours she was pulling her hair out and couldn't wait for him to go. It reminded why they got divorced. They just couldn't live together. Still good friends to this day.

Fireflygal · 27/10/2021 18:05

@PissyMum, are you divorced? I think going together whilst divorcing is not usual as well as the recent timeframe.

PissyMum · 27/10/2021 21:53

fireflygal no, not divorced as yet, split 2 years ago. We didn’t go on holiday together as such, he flew from the states, I flew from the UK and we met here and are staying in separate hotels. We’re currently having them alternate days and don’t do any activities together (other than one meal for ds’s birthday). It was this or exh not see them for 2 months. Not ideal but it seems to work at the moment.

SunflowerTed · 31/10/2021 19:11

You’re a better woman than me. I wouldn’t be happy with this even though I am all for making sure the kids are happy

Branleuse · 31/10/2021 19:21

I wouldnt be ok with this one bit

CookPassBabtridge · 02/11/2021 14:03

Sorry but me and my DP are splitting soon and we are best friends and amazing co-parents. We will have days out and holidays together still. I think it's great for the kids to see the family unit is still there.
Neither of us want to lose the great points of our relationship.
If you get involved with someone with kids then this is the risk you take. Not everyone wants to hate their ex and have a bad atmosphere.

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