How to let go of the anger?

[Struggling1702]

Hi!
Name change but long time user.

I need help letting go and not being this angry, bitter ex...

I left my husband 2 year ago now after I discovered he had a third affair, as well as so much inappropriate behaviour (sexual messaging etc). He moved out and I kept children in the family home (DS10 and DD6), he seems them one night a week and EOW.

He has treated me appallingly when he doesn't get his own way. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive and the past 6 months or so he has been trying to "starve me (and the children) out of the home".

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I feel like he destroyed my life and his life has only got better. He's getting the family home as part of the divorce (he earns 6 figures and can afford it, I can't) and I am moving to a new house in a not very nice area. He has all the time in the world for his hobbies and social life, has loads of money for holidays (and time too as I do most of holiday childcare) and I do all the hard grunt parenting work.

And yesterday, the children met his new girlfriend. She's a lot, lot younger than me, prettier and more succesful. She has stayed round overnight before when he had the kids but he wouldn't let them see her and they were told to not go in his room... I obviously had something to say about this so he did introduce them after our chat but then sent the kids upstairs to their room. I am so angry that he can behave like this and do what he wants, yet I have to be so very very careful. I too am seeing someone but I have been so so careful and taken things so very very slowly to protect my children and if I'm honest, I don't think I will ever live with him as I'm worried it might impact the kids. Yet here the ex is, talking about having kids with this new woman without a care in the world.

I just feel he has thrown a grenade into our lives and swanned off happily into the sunset with his new little life. He also loves the arrangement of seeing the kids just a few days a fortnight (he used to work away when we were married so no difference here really).

Don't get me wrong, I would not cope without seeing my kids but my god it's so hard juggling everything, and sometimes I am jealous of the life he has got. Does that make me a bad person?

You're not a bad person, but something in you thinks you are, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. The way you feel now is nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

What can you do for yourself that would be respectful? If somebody could treat you to something right now that would make your life better, even by a tiny bit, what would it be? Get it for yourself. Treat yourself every day to something you might get from someone who really respected you, understood you, wanted you to feel cared for. It doesn't have to be anything expensive - kind words and loving thoughts go a long way!

Be nice to yourself. Recognise that somebody being young, pretty and successful says nothing about them as a person. You might be kinder, funnier, cleverer, more astute, more empathic, anything.

Above all, big yourself up. Everybody's got stuff they wish they were/had, and everybody has special and individual talents, too. If you focus on what you like about other people, and about what you don't like about yourself/your life, that's obviously going to make you feel crap.

She's a lot, lot younger than me, prettier and more successful.

No she's not, she's a mug for taking on a three times [that you know about] cheater like your rotter of an ex. She is not successful in relationships if she has to settle for THAT.

Betrayal trauma is unbelievably hard to get over because it dents your trust in everything I have had a very different version of it but it was a really difficult experience but I genuinely feel after 3.5 years I am over it.

What I find helped in the end was finding a narrative about the situation that I was really comfortable with.

I’m not particularly religious but my narrative is that at some stage they will face up to what they have done, but I can’t make that happen so I will leave it to whoever or whatever can do their thing and I just get on with my life.

Sometimes people act like crap but still come out on top...its a small part of this unfair world we live in. As hard as it is for you, it a 100% harder for the kids. Be the decent parent and try to help them through this very difficult time in their lives. No doubt he will cheat on his new woman...hopefully she will take him to the cleaners with a good lawyer or better still, she will cheat on him. Hold your head up high, try not to think about the scum ball and get on with the job of making you and your children's lives as happy as possible.

Focus on detaching him from you. The gf is actually a good thing as hopefully it will tale away some of his focus from hurting you. It sounds like you still rely on him for money? ('Starve us put of the house).

You need to find a way to boost your own income. And also, if its the old family home - then sell the house and start over, even if it means downsizing. Cut that tie to him.

Thanks everyone. Feel like I need to get some of these written on post it notes and stuck around the house!
@Pinkbonbon I do have a FT job and do okay to be honest, just current house was unaffordable on my income alone hence him starving us out... He stopped paying maintenance. Unfortunately family home won't get sold, it's going to him. I'm moving out and he's moving back in

It doesn't sound to me like he's going to come out on top. It all sounds very superficial - what you say about his life. He sounds flakey. What he's got is materialistic. Whereas you, you're doing your duty to your children, you're building your and your DC relationships together, you have the right outlook on life. That sounds much better to me than his silly life.

@ValerieCupcake

She's a lot, lot younger than me, prettier and more successful.

No she's not, she's a mug for taking on a three times [that you know about] cheater like your rotter of an ex. She is not successful in relationships if she has to settle for THAT.

🖕🏻 This! Absolutely spot on! She may be a young, pretty bit of fluff for your ex but she's the mug to put up with him! Thank your lucky stars you're out of that situation. 💕

This has shades of my situation so I do empathise. Thankfully my ex is doing a good job with the kids, so I don't have that anxiety to deal with too but all the rest. It's not lost on me that he is merrily skipping off into the sunset with his (younger, childless) new lady and I'm left dealing with selling the house, starting the divorce, grappling with what I can afford in the housing market here, keeping my kids emotions together. Any dalliance towards any man has raised all kinds of issues around trust. I feel like a mess, but he's okay.

What a deadbeat father not paying maintenance to hurt the ex. They seem to realise it's actually hurting the kids.

Use the child maintenance service if works for an employer
www.gov.uk/making-child-maintenance-arrangement/using-child-maintenance-service

I know you have to pay (as the receiver) a 4% receivers fee but he will have to pay an extra 20% (collectors fee) on top of the maintenance amount.
So yes it's annoying to have to have e.g £16 taken off a £400 maintenance amount every month but it will be a darn sight more annoying for him to hav to pay an extra £80 per month on top of the £400 maintenance that he has to pay.
Well that's his ego's fault & his ego certainly won't like it if the CMS have to go down a Deductions from Earnings order.
How embarrassing for your employers to know that you won't provide for your children.

The threat of the above knocked my friends ExH into shape re paying the child maintenance as the pain of embarrassment was greater than the pleasure of thinking he's got one over on the mother.

Finally children grow up & then see what a horrible financially abusive prick that father has been.

It's not a situation that I've been in but it's very similar to my MIL. She split from FIL when DH and his siblings were young. She struggled as a single parent for years while he dodged maintenance payments, screwed her financially and spent fuck all time with his kids. He had a great time with various women and making loads of cash, going on fancy holidays etc. To this day, he seems to love his life (loads of money, remarried and dotes on his stepdaughters whilst still not really bothering with his own kids, very flash lifestyle) so I wouldn't say he's had his comeuppance. However, MIL was able to very successfully frame the situation in a way that has brought her peace and contentment. I think she realised early on that her happiness could not come from him - whether that was from him transforming into a loyal and respectful husband, or from karma giving him a huge bite on the arse. She always says that they both got what they wanted from the divorce; she got her children and he got the money and the possessions. She focused completely on herself and her kids and eventually many years later she remarried someone who worships her, treats her kids like he does his own and together they have a very comfortable very happy life.

@IWantT0BreakFree that's amazing and something I'll hang on to a bit. I'm constantly told how much dignity I've had through all this, but the issue sometimes is I get tired of being dignified and want to scream and shout. My dignity buys him cover.

But the most important reason I do this is for my kids. I don't want them to have a whiff of what's gone on, I want them to have a safe and secure relationship with both of us.

Hang on. What do you mean he stopped paying maintenance? Do you have a legal order for finances? He’s earning six figures and only has them a few days a fortnight. You should be getting around £400 a month? Have you gone to CMS? If not, why not? Child benefit? Are you claiming everything you should be?

@Getbehindme I'm sorry you're going through something similar, it's really hard isn't it. I take so much responsibility for protecting the children from it all and from his actions, it's exhausting. Also means he can act how he likes as he knows I always put them first.
As for those asking about maintenance, unfortunately he's one or the self employed ones who can avoid it. He apparently became unemployed for 2 months very suddenly when I pissed him off last year! He's also said in mediation that if I don't behave myself then he will pay himself minimum wage. He's very controlling, but soon I will be free. With my new (slightly shitty) house comes my freedom. I know that even if I do piss him off and he stops paying, I can still afford it by myself.
Thank you everyone, the comments have really made me think.
Not sure who said, but the idea that I have won is one I forget. Would I want his life right now? Sure, some bits of it, but on the whole, no. I have 2 amazing kids that I am raising how I want, with values I deem important. I have a great career ahead of me after 10 years PT and I have some or the most amazing friends you could ever want who have carried me through these past 2 years. I also have a great boyfriend who loves me for who I am and who is brilliant with my children. If I had the chance to get back with him, I would never, in a million years. So yes, I've won... I just need to try and forget about him and focus on what matters to me.

Only £400 a month on a six figure salary? Surely it's more?

Yes @spotcheck he should pay £1000 according to CMS calculations...

It’s so hard and I really feel for you. Just wanted to offer a view from further down the line. My situation is similar to yours - I got ‘stuck’ with the lions share of parenting, less money and him being able to have a social life, endless girlfriends etc. He also did the easy part of visits here and there - no school runs, clothes washing, meal cooking - all the nuts and bolts and grind of parenting.

It has been hard and i’ve been very angry at times over the years. But eventually i realised he wouldn’t change, I couldn’t make him and I also couldn’t make the situation less unfair.

So I started focusing instead on my choices. Because even though I felt I had to be the responsible one and step up to parent, actually that was always my choice. It was my choice to work hard and fill the gaps my ex left.

Years on and my ex and son don’t have the best relationship. It’s polite but distant from my sons side as he knows his dad didn’t really bother (once he got old enough to realise the situation for himself) and the lack of proper, regular parenting contact changed their relationship. Me and my son are close and i’ve had the benefit of seeing him grow up into a fantastic teen firsthand - i’ve been there for all of it, day in and day out. My ex doesn’t have that and now the opportunity is fading into the distance, bitterly regrets it.

Life is easier now and the gains i’ve had from truly being an active and involved parent have, in the end, outweighed the grind, the anger, the unfairness of it all. You cannot replace truly knowing your kids and being there for them no matter how many younger girlfriends, holidays, nice houses etc you have. He’s a twat and may never realise this of course but make that his problem.

God, these men make my lip curl.

You'd think earning 6 figures that he wouldn't begrudge the paltry CM figure. What a pathetic, nasty character he is. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you are no longer married to someone so pitiful.

OP, I am going to assume (and hope) that you got your fair share of the assets and pensions ?

I would only say that if he's diddling his finances to pay you nothing/a pittance, then HMRC may be interested at some point? Just a thought. Also make sure you document any CMS abuse and complain each time to them. They may do nothing now but I know someone who fiddled his income and dodged payments when his kids were under 18 but CMS went after him when his kids were in their 30s and he then had to repay thousands to his XW which was taken from his pension. So don't assume CMS will do nothing.

@Salayes I couldn't agree more.

I'm 2 years on from my ex's affair and our eldest doesn't see him either. It's hard and my new partner and I don't get any time to ourselves whilst ex and ow get all the time in the world to live their fancy lives, but I've finally made peace with that. Kids are young a very short amount of time and I made a conscious decision to have children. As hard as it is, and it's brutal at times, I keep reminding myself that one day I'll have my life but most importantly the respect and love of my children as well as an incredible bond.

It's tough OP and sickening but I found that making peace with the situation has made me a better, calmer mum because I'm not angry with the world anymore. I have fuck this shit days but they're few and far between these days.

Lucky new Missus - scored herself a cheating, controlling, miserly deadbeat dad. What a catch!
OP never forget, your kids will grow up knowing exactly which parent did the right thing by them.

The kids slowly work stuff out for themselves without you dropping hints and telling them anything.

My kids dont like their dads partner and don't want him to marry her. And in suspect that when they have their own DC my kids will remove themselves from the situation entirely. I am nothing but positive about her. I took years to introduce my partner and he still doesnt live with us full time. And when they are with us they are calm and settled.

You have so much more than him and what you have will continue to grow and nurture and enrich your life (DC, fab friends, authentic BF, career) ….. he doesn’t have any of that and what he does have will dwindle over time.

Move to your new home - make it beautiful and special - turn towards your wonderful future and turn your back on his life - don’t look.

His young GF will want DCs, the big white wedding etc he knows the contract and will have to reluctantly give that or move on. Chuckle to yourself that that’s his future.

You cannot replace truly knowing your kids and being there for them no matter how many younger girlfriends, holidays, nice houses etc you have. He’s a twat and may never realise this of course but make that his problem.

^100% this well said

OP I really don’t know . Loving the suggestions on here . Over 30 years ago ex-DH went off with my best friend and paid minimal maintenance . I had to work two jobs to keep us afloat and worried I was neglecting my children . Everyone said Karma would catch up with them but they seem to have the perfect life. I am happy enough but occasionally I remember the hard times and still feel bitter .

The anger will only go once you stop agonising over their happiness - they may be happy, they may not be, and yes, it really doesn't seem fair; I've had more than my share of men who deserved hell.

But, looking back at all they gained (be it a house, half the time with my children, everything I ever did for them) does me no favours - I'll only end up bitter without changing a thing about their lives.

Remember the best revenge (or karma, if you will) is a happy life lived to the full. Obviously your exdoesn't deserve you. But YOU deserve happiness and only you can provide that.