I feel like I’m stuck…

[TokyoNights]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now and he is ( and always been ) just terrible with managing and saving money.
Little history here. NOTE : I don’t want to brag or sound entitled just want to give some indication of my life before.
I was with my ex for 7 years. We had a good life together, never short of money or had to worry about it. We bought a car without finance, we’ve been to Japan, Australia, Maldives for holidays, any unexpected bills came straight out of my debit card without having to dip inside my savings. Everything was paid on time and we still had extra money left just to enjoy life basically.
Sadly it came to an end for various reasons.
After a while I met my current partner and fell in love so hard that I ignored all the red flags sadly. He’s always been terrible with his money. He can’t save nothing and is always struggling even for basic things. When we started to live together we discussed our financial situation, how we gonna pay the bills etc. I knew his situation and felt kinda worried a bit but thought hey, now we are together so we will manage it better. Wrong, oh so wrong.
He earns more than me and gets paid weekly. So after paying the rent and petrol any leftover money is spent on coffees, seeing his friends, takeaway food, football betting etc. So sometimes at the end what’s left is just a tenner…
And then comes “Babe can you transfer me £10/20/30 pounds” And me, idiot me, always transfer him something to survive the week. And it’s like this almost every other week..
The other day I requested the bank statements just too see how much money I transferred to him over these years for different reasons - sometimes food, sometimes MOT, sometimes to pay a parking ticket..
And I was horrified to my core to discover it was just shy of £7000. Seven. F…. Thousand. Pounds.
I desperately try to save some money but it feels like since I am with him I’m drowning deeper and deeper.
I know it’s my fault because almost every time he’s asking I give him something. I know I should’ve done that. We’ve been talking about this countless times, I tried to tell him to save something at least. Put aside even £10, 20 every week, don’t spend all FFS. And he promises me over and over again… But nothing changes. And me… I just keep believing him but I think I had enough now.
It’s always struggle for money, struggle even for basic things sometimes. And I hate it. I hate my life now for what’s it became.
There’s so many things that I would like to change around the house or even the simple decor but I just can’t simply afford it…
I hate to look at my old pictures because it reminds me how good it was. No I wasn’t rich but I had a nice comfortable life. And now… I have to even budget for a Starbucks. Since I met him my financial situation has gone from very good to non existent. And I hate it. I hate him for not saving and managing his money better and I hate myself for sending him money every time and I hate the fact that I kept believing him that he will change, we will be better…
I hate the fact that I had to ask my mum for some money so I can just simply buy food and pay my bills.
The last straw for me I guess was the fact that couple of days ago he took my bank card without asking me and withdraw £20. I told him the PIN long time ago once and guess forgot about it. Now I requested to change it.
Sorry guys about the rant but I just needed to get this out and sorry if it sounds chaotic.
Thank you

Leave him. Your life will be easier without.

Leave him.

Now you've written it down, got a clear handle on it, recognised it for what it is DO something about it! Honestly there's only one thing you can do that will actually work in the long term and that's split. Properly and fully split. You know you will ultimately be so much happier with your life. You can get your finances back on an even keel. You can date other men. You now have experience of what you do and don't want.

I'd leave he's selfish and will get worse

Get rid. I'm still repaying debts from my cocklodging ex whom I split up from SIX YEARS AGO. I'm just about back in my feet in life financially, eg not having to live in my overdraft every month, but the long term effects of him are still here. He used to be like this, a tenner here and there, not being able to afford to buy his own food, never paid rent. You'll end up in a Bad place with him.

Since I met him my financial situation has gone from very good to non existent

And soon, if you stay with him, it'll be even worse than that - you'll be borrowing money to "help" him, or maybe find out he's done it himself but in your name

Clearly you now understand what's going on here, so the only question is what you want to do about it?

I thought about leaving many many times. I even shouted this to him in anger. Obviously I still love him to bits but… I am where I am.
When we met he knew where Im coming from, what’s my previous situation was like. I told him that I’m not gonna ask him to pay for everything, buy me this buy me that. I had a comfortable life but everything which needed more money - like holidays etc we always shared and bought it together. My designer bags was bought for my own money which I worked for so I wasn’t asking him to help me to sustain my previous lifestyle. ( that’s if I come up as someone materialistic.)
Im not trying justify him or something. I know partly it’s my fault too that I let it happen for too long.
Like I said at the moment I’m trying to save every little money I have. I tried to check online maybe there is some way how to boost my income ( selling some clothes or doing internet surveys), without him knowing.
If before that I was all about family pot ( like in my previous relationship) and we share everything now I’m more careful and just want to keep all for me - pay my bills, buy what I need. You have your money I have mine. How you going to manage it’s not my problem.

Ok, so what are you going to do about it?

Do you own a property together?
Do you have a joint account?
Do you pay half of bills and food?

He's fleeced your for £7k by being slap dash with his money. Think what you could do with that.

Why do you need to hide the fact you are selling your own things?

I think it’s highly likely he’s gambling more than you realise

@StormBaby

I think it’s highly likely he’s gambling more than you realise

Unfortunately I’m suspecting it too.

We’re renting a flat all the bills are on his name because I moved in when he was living there already for couple of years.
We don’t have a joint account.
Regarding the food and bills - well he’s paying the rent, all the car expenses,his phone, mostly electric/gas and sometimes food shop. I have weekly food, council tax, broadband and my phone. This is how we decided from the beginning and I was happy with that. I paid everything and still had money for my things.
And then somewhere along the lines he needed ten pounds here and forty pounds there. My suspicion is now that he was kinda started using me along the way - like, oh she has more money than me so I can spend all mine and ask her, she will definitely give me because she will see I’m struggling. And me, fool, followed his lead.
And why I want to hide the fact that I’m thinking about extra income? The same reason. I don’t want him to know that I have extra money so he play again his “baaaabe” BS.
If I decide to leave I need to have something in my account which he doesn’t know about.

Not having a go at you OP, but if there was every a case of "grass being greener..."

You need to leave IMO.

Will your ex take you back?

Now if his asking me for £10 to see his friends whatever I just say sorry I don’t have it and he knows it I really don’t have. Go figure it out yourself or stay home then.
So imagine what’s going to happen if I say that I earned an extra £300 for example. So that’s why I want to keep all the income with me.

Ditch this fool. He is a total waste of space. My ex husband was the same. Wasted thousands of my money. I was so relieved when he left.

It’s like you can see where your life is going, you can see the big black hole he’s dragging you towards but you won’t actually do anything to stop it.
All you’ve got to do is step off of the path. It’s that simple. You’re not married, no children, no entangled financial commitments. There’s nothing to stop you ending this charade and moving onwards - and upwards.
Yes you love him, you love aspects of him. But so what? Most people have left someone they loved before for various reasons. It happens. It hurts and you feel shit for a while of course but to love someone is not to endure every last piece of their character, to love is not to sacrifice your security or your desire for a certain lifestyle.
What you’re doing is not about love, it’s about martyrdom. You’re sacrificing yourself for him.
No man is worth that sorry.
He won’t change. You know what the future looks like with him so you either stay and accept it or you reject it and leave - but making it his problem isn’t going to work, because he doesn’t see it as a problem. Time to shit or get off the pot OP

It is getting worse, because this time he just took your bank card and got his money without even asking you. That is theft, frankly.

It is very sad, but he seems to be locked into this way of life. It is unlikely you can get him to change, so you probably have to leave to protect yourself.

"Now if his asking me for £10 to see his friends whatever I just say sorry I don’t have it and he knows it I really don’t have. Go figure it out yourself or stay home then.
So imagine what’s going to happen if I say that I earned an extra £300 for example. So that’s why I want to keep all the income with me."

I guessed that was the case which means there is a lack of trust in the relationship around finances. It's a big thing not to be transparent about finances within a long term relationship.

I totally understand why you would want to give yourself a get out fund though.

My point is you don't trust him not to ask you for the money.

Do you have no savings left - you said before you were able to save up.

@TokyoNights

Why are you staying in a relationship that isn't meeting your standards and needs.

Are you wanting to settle down and have a family and feel you have time to find a new partner sunk cost fallacy?

*don't!

He’s paying the rent, all the car expenses,his phone, mostly electric/gas and sometimes food shop. I have weekly food, council tax, broadband and my phone

Okay, well on here most usually say partners should chip in according to their relative earnings, so if you're on a lot more I guess that's not a lot to be paying for

However that's not really the point at issue; his chiselling you is, especially if it's being wasted on gambling
Personally I wouldn't stay, but if you're determined to I'd say you need a thorough, calm discussion about all this and some firm ground rules to work by ... and just that discussion will probably tell you a lot

And what do you get out of the relationship? He won’t change.

Ignore the first bit of my last post, OP - like a fool I got it the wrong way round and see it's actually him who earns most, so apologies for that

The rest of it still stands though ...

Now when it’s all written down and I can see from the side it just makes me…. sad, angry…
I blame myself for letting this go too far. He’s always been so good with convincing, maybe even manipulating me believing that it’s just a temporary thing.
He always tells me that it’s gonna get better, that he will take some extra shifts and start to build up from there. Hell, we even went to the bank together a while ago because he wanted to open a savings account and put whatever little money he can. It’s been more dry than a desert.
I blame myself from always believing him that that’s it, he’s gonna change from now on.
From the beginning I thought that maybe his problems are related to the fact that he lives alone and have to live only with one salary and when we gonna start living together it’s gonna better.
You know all the usual stuff.

The bank statements and the incident with my card made my open my eyes that hey, this is not ok. Yeah, it’s normal to help each other if one of you has some temporary financial problems but spending all your money and then relying on me that I will always help, because you know, that’s what partners in relationships do, they help each other…
I have very little savings now, that’s why I’m trying to find a way to get some extra cash so I can start to rebuild my life.
Thanks for the advice and kick in the butt.

Best wishes @TokyoNights