I feel like I’m stuck…

[TokyoNights]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now and he is ( and always been ) just terrible with managing and saving money.
Little history here. NOTE : I don’t want to brag or sound entitled just want to give some indication of my life before.
I was with my ex for 7 years. We had a good life together, never short of money or had to worry about it. We bought a car without finance, we’ve been to Japan, Australia, Maldives for holidays, any unexpected bills came straight out of my debit card without having to dip inside my savings. Everything was paid on time and we still had extra money left just to enjoy life basically.
Sadly it came to an end for various reasons.
After a while I met my current partner and fell in love so hard that I ignored all the red flags sadly. He’s always been terrible with his money. He can’t save nothing and is always struggling even for basic things. When we started to live together we discussed our financial situation, how we gonna pay the bills etc. I knew his situation and felt kinda worried a bit but thought hey, now we are together so we will manage it better. Wrong, oh so wrong.
He earns more than me and gets paid weekly. So after paying the rent and petrol any leftover money is spent on coffees, seeing his friends, takeaway food, football betting etc. So sometimes at the end what’s left is just a tenner…
And then comes “Babe can you transfer me £10/20/30 pounds” And me, idiot me, always transfer him something to survive the week. And it’s like this almost every other week..
The other day I requested the bank statements just too see how much money I transferred to him over these years for different reasons - sometimes food, sometimes MOT, sometimes to pay a parking ticket..
And I was horrified to my core to discover it was just shy of £7000. Seven. F…. Thousand. Pounds.
I desperately try to save some money but it feels like since I am with him I’m drowning deeper and deeper.
I know it’s my fault because almost every time he’s asking I give him something. I know I should’ve done that. We’ve been talking about this countless times, I tried to tell him to save something at least. Put aside even £10, 20 every week, don’t spend all FFS. And he promises me over and over again… But nothing changes. And me… I just keep believing him but I think I had enough now.
It’s always struggle for money, struggle even for basic things sometimes. And I hate it. I hate my life now for what’s it became.
There’s so many things that I would like to change around the house or even the simple decor but I just can’t simply afford it…
I hate to look at my old pictures because it reminds me how good it was. No I wasn’t rich but I had a nice comfortable life. And now… I have to even budget for a Starbucks. Since I met him my financial situation has gone from very good to non existent. And I hate it. I hate him for not saving and managing his money better and I hate myself for sending him money every time and I hate the fact that I kept believing him that he will change, we will be better…
I hate the fact that I had to ask my mum for some money so I can just simply buy food and pay my bills.
The last straw for me I guess was the fact that couple of days ago he took my bank card without asking me and withdraw £20. I told him the PIN long time ago once and guess forgot about it. Now I requested to change it.
Sorry guys about the rant but I just needed to get this out and sorry if it sounds chaotic.
Thank you

Run, before you have kids with this guy. You deserve better xxx

When I came into this relationship I accepted the fact that I have to lower my standards and I was ready for it. He explained me his situation and we both were clear about our finances how much we earn, what needs to be paid etc.
I was ready to live for a less because this is the man I love. And it doesn’t matter the situation now, we can build up from here. I thought it’s just a phase….which has now sadly lasted 4 years.
I feel so naive, god.

Taking the bank card and withdrawing money without your permission would be the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I couldn't imagine stealing from my own partner.

How can you trust him if he steals?

“Yes you love him, you love aspects of him. But so what? Most people have left someone they loved before for various reasons. It happens. It hurts and you feel shit for a while of course but to love someone is not to endure every last piece of their character, to love is not to sacrifice your security or your desire for a certain lifestyle.
What you’re doing is not about love, it’s about martyrdom. You’re sacrificing yourself for him.
No man is worth that sorry.”

This. Love is not enough. And if this is how you’re feeling now, imagine how you’ll be feeling 5, 10,15 years down the line if you stay, particularly if you have children with him. Your resentment and unhappiness will be huge.

Really it depends on how much he is spending on the rent etc., and how much you contribute. It seems like he pays for most things ie rent, bills, food shop and you don’t contribute in the same way.

@Malibuismysecrethome

Really it depends on how much he is spending on the rent etc., and how much you contribute. It seems like he pays for most things ie rent, bills, food shop and you don’t contribute in the same way.

I don’t want to say any numbers and I don’t think it’s really relevant here plus I don’t have any problems to pay for the same electric/gas or take any other bills if they needs to be paid. I’m more pissed of about the fact that paying his weekly outgoings he still has a money left which he chooses not to save but spend it on football betting, Friday night beers etc. And when he’s down to last money he remembers that he still has whole week left to survive and road tax is due in 2 days too. He doesn’t think long term. He’s like a 5 year old. I just don’t know how I lasted 4 whole years. Love is blind I guess.

If he's paying all the rent, car expenses, his phone, electric/gas and sometimes a food shop, isn't that quite a lot of money? You have council tax, food, broadband and your phone. It sounds like a lot less than he pays (depending on how much the rent is, of course!). I may be missing something?

Just agreeing with malibuismysecrethome really

Ok let’s say on a week when there are no other bills just rent + petrol his leftover money let’s say is £250. So from those 250 into the savings goes exactly 0.
Zero. Everything else is just… something. I really suspect betting, more then he tells me.

Could you have a relationship and not live together, then you can keep your finances separate.

@TokyoNights

When I came into this relationship I accepted the fact that I have to lower my standards and I was ready for it. He explained me his situation and we both were clear about our finances how much we earn, what needs to be paid etc. I was ready to live for a less because this is the man I love. And it doesn’t matter the situation now, we can build up from here. I thought it’s just a phase….which has now sadly lasted 4 years. I feel so naive, god.

Presumably your earnings didn't go down when you got together. So why did you have to lower your standards when you entered the relationship? He earns more than you, so that shouldn't be anything to do with his income. Did your ex earn more than current partner, and pay for more stuff too?

Your partner pays the rent, utilities and motoring expenses (presume you either pay your own or he never drives you places as a couple), to your council tax, broadband and food. At a wild guess, it sounds like he's paying quite a bit more than half. You don't mention having kids together, and you both work, so no reason why all the bills shouldn't be split 50/50. Maybe things would look a bit different if you were sharing the costs more evenly?

So it's difficult to tell if it's purely that he's bad with money (just slips though the fingers type), or if it's because he's paying most of the living expenses freeing up your income to put into savings. A the very least you need to review your household expenses and split of the contributions. Maybe setup a joint bank account for household bills, and then agree a budget and how much each of you will save towards holidays etc.

Yip. You're not compatible financially.

You also keep bailing him out so he never learns and has just got used to basically using you.

He's fine where he is, you want more. Nothing wrong with that, so do t feel guilty about it.

No reason that you can't be together but live apart. He'll soon have to sort himself out. Create a life that doesn't revolve around him.

In terms of love. Sorry don't believe in it. You've just got accustomed to him. You like him, your life is merged with his.

Thing about love is it's fleeting. You'll soon 'love' the next person you'll eventually be with but in a different way.

If love was so special, it would only happen once and never end.

Time to make some changes. Take it from me and a lot of other posters. When you buy a house with someone and have kids, then you ARE truly stuck but you have the great LUXURY of walking away cuz it's just not working out for you.

Oh OP I've been here. Twice, like I didn't learn my lesson the first time.

Well done on the bank statement and ordering a new pin.

What do you want to do next?