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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disappointed my DH coming home

29 replies

alltheprettythings · 24/10/2021 19:51

Just that really. DH coming home from a cycling trip earlier than expected in the next few days - I wasn't expecting him until the the weekend or into the following week. I'm not sure what day he will be back but just realised how disappointed I am not excited about him coming home. I am dreading feeling suffocated in the house with him around, him having the TV on all the time, and wanting my attention all the time he is home. I am planning to visit my eldest son with my youngest in a few days (just for 1 night/2 days) and worried that I will be away when he comes home and he will (a) make a fuss I have gone without him (if I don't see my son now it really won't be until Christmas) and (b) be awful if we are not there when he arrives home. I don't know for sure yet if he will be home before we return but this news has got me thinking like this already. I also have other things planned over the weekend that mean me going to London for 3 days (home each night) and I know he will lay a guilt trip on me still going with the "but I've been away, I just want to be with you - if it were the other way round I would cancel and spend time with you" This is not something I could share with any of my close friends, just needed to express it to someone.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2021 19:53

The only time I’ve felt like this is when I was already planning to leave my ex.

gamerchick · 24/10/2021 19:54

Let him whinge. Don't cancel your plans and carry on.

It doesnt sound healthy where he's allowed to bugger off for a while but you're not though.

ClemDanFango · 24/10/2021 19:54

Do you want to be with him? He sounds like a sulky pain in the arse.

BrilloPaddy · 24/10/2021 19:54

It sounds horribly suffocating.

Why is he coming home early? Does he know you've got things planned and wants to put a stop to them?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/10/2021 19:57

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this??

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 19:58

Let him know that you planned all this on the basis he wasn't supposed to be back. You planned to do all your bits while he was away, specifically so you were together when he was due to arrive home. It's great he's home early, but you don't want to let others down who are expecting you and have made plans accordingly.

Then work out how you leave him, or he/both of you get counselling, because this is not how a healthy couple function.

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2021 19:58

It sounds like you should break up with him

Peach01 · 24/10/2021 20:03

He can't guilt trip you into staying because he chose to go away. Continue with your plans.

pontiouspilates · 24/10/2021 20:08

I really feel for you. My DH came home after a two week trip and I wanted to cry. I'd realised what a lovely time I'd had with just me and DC in the house. Wish I could afford to make it a permanent arrangement

justthecat · 24/10/2021 20:10

Don’t change your plans because he’s back early, do as you’ve planned. My h does as he likes so now I do the same, even put the stuff on tv I know he hates when he’s not usually here. He sulks off to another room . I’m not living around his selfishness

Regularsizedrudy · 24/10/2021 20:12

Why can’t you just text him and say what you’ve said here? (Minus the parts about how you can’t stand him) that you have made plans and are going to keep them. Why are you together if you don’t like him?

frozendaisy · 24/10/2021 20:14

So you wouldn't say, if he comes home before you leave, something along the lines of "erm....cycling trip away, it's my turn before you sulk and try to make me feel guilty won't work enjoy the peace and quiet"

theremustonlybeone · 24/10/2021 20:17

why does him cutting his cycling trip short mean you have to change your plans ? Were you a SAHM and he thinks when he is at home your their to look after him? It makes no sense that him being home means you change plans

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 24/10/2021 20:18

I know he will lay a guilt trip on me still going with the "but I've been away, I just want to be with you - if it were the other way round I would cancel and spend time with you"

He's an emotionally abusive, controlling hypocrite. He believes that YOU should always be available to HIM - but when he wants to do something else that's perfectly OK (but when you want to do something else you're A Terrible Uncaring Person).

This is not something I could share with any of my close friends, just needed to express it to someone.

You are (perhaps only subconsciously) aware that he is abusive, and your first response is to try to hide it from people. Don't - abuse thrives on secrecy. Your friends and family have probably already noticed some of his behaviours (and some of the behaviours that you employ in an attempt to placate him).

Start telling people you trust the truth about your relationship. Consider the practicalities of leaving him (housing, finances etc.). Don't let on to him - abusers become much more dangerous if they think you are making plans to leave. If he is this suffocating when you are with him he will not be easy when you leave him, but it is possible for you to break free from him. Try ringing Women's Aid (it's often easier to get through to them by searching for the number for your local branch rather than ringing the national number).

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 24/10/2021 20:20

I'd also make sure he can't find your posting history on Mumsnet. If he's that controlling I wouldn't be surprised if he looks at your browsing history etc. Make sure you always log out and clear your history as soon as you're done.

anon51 · 24/10/2021 20:23

If you are dreading him coming home, then I think you already know the answer.

ChorizoJacketPotato · 24/10/2021 20:45

I knew my relationship was over when DP went abroad and I was hoping his phone wouldn’t work (back in the day when roaming could be an issue). I ended it as soon as he was back.

Original poster
alltheprettythings · 24/10/2021 20:45

I won't be changing any of my plans - and he would never tell me explicitly not to do something. In fact I would find that easier to deal if did rather than get the passive /aggressive "poor little me"/"if you loved me" victim games he plays. Sick of it, and it will get twisted and denied if I try to confront it.

OP posts:
Fetarabbit · 24/10/2021 20:48

I used to get this with my ex, to be fair though he was away a lot with work- Monday to Friday and then random weeks and months (armed forces), and i had to plan my life and routines around DS etc and when he was back it was hard to adapt to a new routine and not having my own space in the evenings. It sounds like maybe a sign to reevaluate your relationship if you feel this way?

category12 · 24/10/2021 20:49

Sounds like you're about done with the relationship.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 24/10/2021 20:51

I think, in common parlance, you've got the ick OP.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 24/10/2021 20:53

Sounds like you'd be better off alone.

IHateFlies · 24/10/2021 20:57

Good. Glad you’re not changing your plans. In your text to him, let him know you’re not going to entertain his victim game nonsense so you’d appreciate it if he didn’t carry on so pitifully. Yuk.

Snoken · 24/10/2021 21:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

The only time I’ve felt like this is when I was already planning to leave my ex.
Precisely this! I feel like this too and am planning on leaving my husband as soon as I can. There is no way I will spend the rest of my life feeling like this. It's not worth it just to not upset somebody else.
junebirthdaygirl · 24/10/2021 21:30

But how can you be expected to change your plans when he hasn't even told you when he is coming home. Just get in there quickly letting him know all your plans and saying..we will catch up when we are both home together soon. Then go ahead and do your stuff. If you cancel he may not even turn up and presumably he will be tired after all his cycling. I am not good at sudden change of plans and in that circumstance l would just proceed as planned. When he complains just say..ah that was hard!!!