Boyfriend writing in card...

[thegreenestbear]

Been together 6m. Not had the chat but know neither of us are seeing anyone else.
It's a very slow burn and he is the least affectionate man I know but the plus outweighs the minus and I genuinely like him.

Birthday last Friday and I get a present based on a hobby, which I do appreciate. I also got a joke card with nothing personal inside.

I'm probably irrationally upset over him not putting love inside the card, or buying a nicer one, and would appreciate the thoughts of others. TIA x

If he's the least affectionate man you know then what are the plus's that outweigh that?

If he's not affectionate he's not going to put love in a card is he? Enjoy the present he brought you.

You like him, he likes you?

ravenmum - yes, I think so.

Could be one of a few reasons he doesn't say love in a card. You say he's not affectionate, so that could just be his personality, so your choice is to accept that he will never behave quite how you'd like, or time to move on so you can find what would make you happy. Alternatively, he may not be feeling it yet, people's hearts move at different paces, but six months on should be enough for someone to feel it, if they have the capacity to, again, he may not be capable of deep feelings.
Or, he just doesn't feel that way about you, and never will, in which case it could be time to move on. It's probably a good time to have the discussion and ask. Start slow with, are we exclusive? Confirm that, then lead to does he consider you as a GF. I wonder what he would put in a card to a family member? If there's no tove there, it's just the way he is.

I think that lack of affection might become a problem.

thisisstartingtoboreme that's a really good point, thank you.

I think a card is no big deal but if he's unaffectionate and won't tell you how he feels that's an issue. Maybe he just doesn't feel the way you do?

I'd think 'how thoughtful' that he got a present that was going to be really useful for my hobby / that he had worked out I would like.
The card, I'd probably smile / laugh at and put it on the mantlepiece. Wouldn't occur to me to think anything else.

Some people are gushy in cards, other people aren't - it is never a reflection of how much they feel for you, just a reflection of whether they are the sort of person who likes writing mushy messages in cards.

Alan Sugar, apparently, sent his wife, Ann, a birthday card signed
"Best wishes, Sir Alan Sugar."

Chill out I would say. Geeez. He got you a nice present but the card upset you.

You already want to tell him what he should be doing and saying to make you happy in a card.

Was the present nice. If so, stop trying to create problems.

opentooffers you make very good points. I should talk to him, but apart from the lack of affection he's all I want.

onemilliondollars how am I creating problems?

sparkletastic I think you might be right

If you're not getting affection from him. That's who he is. 6 months is still early.

You want to tell him he's not affectionate enough, next thing he feels pressured to be affectionate and may not want to because it's not him.

Read that book. Love languages or something like that.

I think 6 months in you know whether someone is affectionate enough.

It doesn't sound like he's affectionate enough for you and that's ok.

@girlmom21

I think 6 months in you know whether someone is affectionate enough.

It doesn't sound like he's affectionate enough for you and that's ok.

Yip.

My DH writes moving notes in cards.

I'm just not built that way. I sent him a joke card this year with his name spelt wrong with lots of love from "my full name"

What does least affectionate man mean?

The card is a red herring - although an important footnote.

Sex will not increase after this point. If it's not great and there's not enough of it, then you're sexually incompatible. That's sad but worth noting now than in 10 years when it's broken you.

You can't make yourself want less sex, you can only let a piece of you die.

Voice of experience here.

My XH never used to write 'love' in cards - not even to the children, he used to sign things 'cheers, Ian'* I think he did have affectionate feelings deep inside somewhere - at least for the kids if not for me so its not always a sign of lack of affection some folk are awkward about writing this kind of thing.
My XH was socially a bit awkward (he was also a bit of a wanker though -so take your pick on what it signifies !)

*Not his actual name - his actual name was Mr Arrogant.

Yes the card is a red herring, if you felt loved and emotionally held you wouldn’t be worrying about it.

The way you describe him is, for eg, like an amazing pair of shoes, in your favourite colour, really well made, but the wrong size. Those amazing shoes will always hurt your feet.

I know but the plus outweighs the minus and I genuinely like him.

Is the plus you being able to say I have a bf?

This is who he is, if who he is causing you concern after 6 months, then he isn’t the man for you.

Sex is absolutely amazing, off the chart, best ever. He looks after my needs first and he's incredibly good at knowing what I want and when. By affectionate I mean words and touching - he'll hold hands and hug and kiss if I initiate it but never reaches for me.

Don't try to change him. Decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

You can't have it all....

Where does it stop. He's not affectionate enough. He doesn't call me when he's out with friends, he leaves the seat up....Yada Yada Yada.

As soon as you say that to me, I'd feel under pressure. Try for a bit, then stop because maybe it's not natural and the cycle continues.

He's either good enough or not. This type of thing is why AO just don't think men and women should be together. Someone is bloody never happy.

6 months no talk about exclusivity
Only time he's affectionate is for sex
Joke card
How often do you see him?
Does he take you out anywhere to dinner, meet with friends?

Sounds like you're FWB