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Original poster

Boyfriend writing in card...

51 replies

thegreenestbear · 24/10/2021 16:18

Been together 6m. Not had the chat but know neither of us are seeing anyone else.
It's a very slow burn and he is the least affectionate man I know but the plus outweighs the minus and I genuinely like him.

Birthday last Friday and I get a present based on a hobby, which I do appreciate. I also got a joke card with nothing personal inside.

I'm probably irrationally upset over him not putting love inside the card, or buying a nicer one, and would appreciate the thoughts of others. TIA x

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 24/10/2021 17:54

The sex is off the wall, incredible, best ever. He puts my needs first and knows just what I want when I want it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 24/10/2021 17:55

rantyaunty that's what I'm afraid of...

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 24/10/2021 17:56

Surely you'd know if you were an FWB or not!!!

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 24/10/2021 18:00

We go out a lot, one weekend away and planning a trip next year. He contacts me regularly, remembers things which are important to me. He helps me out around my house and has met my DS.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/10/2021 18:15

@daretodenim

The card is a red herring - although an important footnote.

Sex will not increase after this point. If it's not great and there's not enough of it, then you're sexually incompatible. That's sad but worth noting now than in 10 years when it's broken you.

You can't make yourself want less sex, you can only let a piece of you die.

Voice of experience here.

You should learn what a red herring is. People on MN always say ' whatever your post is about is a red herring', but it's not, is it. It's a perfect example of the issue.
DuchessOfDisaster · 24/10/2021 18:22

@AmyDudley

My XH never used to write 'love' in cards - not even to the children, he used to sign things 'cheers, Ian'* I think he did have affectionate feelings deep inside somewhere - at least for the kids if not for me so its not always a sign of lack of affection some folk are awkward about writing this kind of thing. My XH was socially a bit awkward (he was also a bit of a wanker though -so take your pick on what it signifies !)

*Not his actual name - his actual name was Mr Arrogant.

There is no difference between the name you wrote and Mr Arrogant in my own experience - my ex with the same name is a complete plank.
QuestionNumberOne · 24/10/2021 18:46

girlmom in this case red herring means that the card - which superficially is the subject of the OP’s distress and worry - is not the issue. To focus on the card is misleading. HTH.

todaysdilemma · 24/10/2021 20:27

If he's the least affectionate man you know, then why would you expect a more personal/intimate card? This is who he is, and not the best bet if you are an affectionate person who needs the same from a partner.

I personally would never date someone who was very tactile and affectionate because this is a huge part of intimacy for me. Only you know how important this is to you. But you'll have to accept you can't change him and he won't morph into someone who gives you back rubs, and cuddles you when you're feeling low or talks about his feelings very much. Would everything else about him make up for this?

todaysdilemma · 24/10/2021 20:28

Who Wasn't tactile

Lovelydiscusfish · 24/10/2021 21:58

My fiancée and I have agreed not to even give each other cards for special occasions! Maybe your boyfriend isn’t in to cards either - not everybody is. We are very affectionate in other ways though - physically, verbally, he writes daft notes and puts them in my lunch so I find them at work - things like that. So an absence of love in cards (or an absence of cards at all) probably isn’t the biggest deal…. Though I don’t mean to belittle the hurt you are feeling - I’m sorry this has upset you.

Does his lack of affection trouble you much in other ways, or is this one of the first times you’ve thought much about it?

Has he said he loves you in any other context yet? Have you said it to him? Do you love him?

TertiusLydgate · 24/10/2021 22:01

That would be a big deal to me, but I have a husband that always writes lovely stuff in cards - saying how much he loves me, how much I mean to him…we’ve always done this and it’s important to us.

I have friends whose partners literally write To xxx from xxx.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 07:48

@QuestionNumberOne

girlmom in this case red herring means that the card - which superficially is the subject of the OP’s distress and worry - is not the issue. To focus on the card is misleading. HTH.
It's not a 'red herring' though. It's part of the issue. The card is the issue at this specific moment in time.
Opentooffers · 25/10/2021 11:29

"He's all I ever want" - well either he is, or he isn't. Do you want a BF who is the least affectionate person you know? Don't hope to change him, this is who he is, so it's your choice to stand by him on the basis of all the other things he does for you - he sounds quite thoughtful generally. Be careful what you wish for, I've met some very affectionate men, but they've been flakey and inconsiderate in other ways. Nobody's perfect, it's for you to decide how much to compromise. But if you are interpreting his aloofness as shallow feeling towards you, just ask him, then take him at his word. That you are planning things well into the future, says more, but doesn't hurt to clarify if you are feeling a bit insecure.

QuestionNumberOne · 25/10/2021 18:50

girlmom I can see it’s important to you to make the distinction, but in this case the card is just a minor thing and the issue is much bigger. Do you see what I mean? Smile

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 08:47

@QuestionNumberOne oh I agree that in the grand scheme of things just a contribution to the overall issue. It just irritates me that every day people use the term 'red herring' when it's not a red herring because it is part of the issue, not a distraction from the issue, if that makes sense?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 16:18

[quote girlmom21]@QuestionNumberOne oh I agree that in the grand scheme of things just a contribution to the overall issue. It just irritates me that every day people use the term 'red herring' when it's not a red herring because it is part of the issue, not a distraction from the issue, if that makes sense? [/quote]
This unreasonably gets under my skin too! It's more 'this is just a piece of the puzzle' than 'this is a red herring'. I get you!

Loyaultemelie · 26/10/2021 16:49

With the card thing DH always signs every card "form DH" he does usually try and pick one that looks nice but doesn't really have any interest in cards. My youngest questioned why he doesn't write "love Daddy" and he told her it was because of his dyslexia and he only writes what he knows to spell easily. Eldest dd is also dyslexic and she also writes "form dd" but she adds loads of kisses. He does however show affection and isn't afraid to say he loves us out loud when the occasion arises so maybe that's something to watch and see if it develops over time (you mention slow burner).

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 26/10/2021 17:02

Opentooffers you've nailed it, this, exactly this - interpreting his aloofness as shallow feeling towards you If I knew he cared I would be fine with him being how he is, I just need to know.

Any suggestions how I bring it up?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 17:11

Are you really happy being with someone who is 'the least affectionate man' you know? You don't have to be. It's normal to want some affection and it's ok if he simply can't give you a level of it naturally that suits you. You may just be incompatible.

baileys6904 · 26/10/2021 17:35

My ex was soo affectionate. Bought flowers, held hands, kept touching, extravagant gestures, the lot.

He was unashamedly a twat who turned abusive and has carried on the sweet and sour behaviour with other people for the last 15 years.

My partner who I have been with since is not naturally ' gushy'. He used to be awkward with the lovey dovey stuff, signed my cards for about 3 years 'to and from' and was absolute crap at the ' mushy stuff'. He is the nicest bloke you could meet, has absolutely changed my life for the positive and I'm the happiest I've been in my life. He did get better and more comfortable as time went on (and I'm talking a few years) however his actions showed me how he felt.

Don't forget it's 6 months. If you bf had been gushy and touchy and lovey, alot of posters would be accusing him of love bombing. Men can't seem to do anything right on here

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 26/10/2021 22:49

Thanks to everyone who commented.

Today he's been texting back and forth offering advice on a work issue I have. He's remembered a family event I've got coming up, he's asked my opinion about something and he's made me laugh.

I've decided the above is far more important to me than what he's written in a card.

He might not be telling me he cares but in my opinion he's showing me, so I'm taking that as a win Smile

OP posts:
Keladrythesaviour · 26/10/2021 22:55

My DH doesn't write anything other than "dear Keladry, Happy Birthday, From Keladryshusband" in my cards and we've been together 10years and care very much for each other. I think it's just a bloke thing, especially if they're not the emotionally expressive sort. I'd just be impressed he got you a card, that means he has put thought into it. Probably a jokey one because he thought you'd like it?
If you say love to each other in person I'd make a joke out of it (if it bothers you enough). If you don't say love in person, he probably thought it would be awkward to put in a card.
DH put 'regards' in my first (and only) valentine's card as it was only a few weeks after we started dating Grin I thought it was hilarious.

MMmomDD · 26/10/2021 23:02

Great update, OP.
It’s is still early - at 6mo you are just getting to know each other. And figuring out whether the two of you work.
I have had different relationships - more or less affectionate men. More or less gushy romantic.
In some ideal world - it’d be nice to have someone who both shows us enough romance/affection AND show love with actions.
However - if we don’t meet that ideal man - I’d pick the one who shows love with action every time. Life is long, and a partner who is there for us in a meaningful way when we need them - will add to my life more than someone who would write nice cards and sit on a coach, while I struggle with something.

Feelingoktoday · 26/10/2021 23:20

Anyone can write soppy stuff in a card a few times a year. But it’s how they act the rest of the year that’s really important. I know couples where the H is a complete twat but all is forgiven when he arranges for a Tiffany bracelet to be sent to the wife on her birthday.

DameMaureen · 27/10/2021 00:50

@thegreenestbear

Thanks to everyone who commented.

Today he's been texting back and forth offering advice on a work issue I have. He's remembered a family event I've got coming up, he's asked my opinion about something and he's made me laugh.

I've decided the above is far more important to me than what he's written in a card.

He might not be telling me he cares but in my opinion he's showing me, so I'm taking that as a win Smile

Good . You never know what someone has been through prior to meeting you - they make have been in a crap situation which has made them act like this . How often do we read women on here saying they are holding back because of an ex but that is OK ? 6 months is a short time . My H was similar and changed when he became secure in our relationship .
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