How do I find the strength to make the move

[Pinkorangutan]

Long story of low level of abuse and neglect. Never being there for me, letting me down. For example, turning up a few days late for holidays, saying he'd be in for dinner at 8pm from the pub and then coming back at 10, regularly. Not helping me with anything connected with the kids, including ever taking them out on his own, doing swimming lessons, teaching them to ride their bikes, as well as any sickness or hospital visits all came down to me. Generally put his friends before me, eg booking holidays, nights out with them but always difficult when came down to booking our holidays, nights out etc. Lots of bad temper, walking out if he was upset about something (including on days out with kids, Christmas Day).

He tended to wait until I'd had enough before arranging something nice and winning me round.

Anyway, he got a job that involved a lot of travel and I started creating my own life. Lockdown then happened.

I'd got to the stage around then that I wasn't seeing a future for us and I thought he'd agree.

BUT now he's got used to being at home, plus seeing me drawing away he can't be nicer to me. Doing all the cooking, shopping etc.

Too little, too late but it's made it so much harder for me to get up the energy to end it. The evidence is all in the past, and I can't be angry with him right now IYSWIM.

Anyone experienced this and how did you get past it?

For info I'm late 50s and tired. It's hard to have the energy to make a move now and I've got one daughter in sixth form so it's a difficult time for her. But it's making me feel so depressed.

Also I'm a bit quirky and not everyone's cup of tea, so haven't got really close friends to provide a lot of support.

Quirky people are great!
Can you try imagining the freedom you might experience if you left him? Perhaps that might provide you with the strength?

You either remember why you want to end it, or you wait it out and see if this new man lasts.
I bet it won’t, so use this time to prepare for your new life.

@GoodnightGrandma

You either remember why you want to end it, or you wait it out and see if this new man lasts. I bet it won’t, so use this time to prepare for your new life.

I do remember, that's part of the trouble.

And I don't want the 'new man' to last.

I am doing lots of planning in my head. Just not in real life as it all seems so scary.

If he was being horrible it would be easier, I think. But maybe I'm just making excuses not to do it! Which sounds really pathetic.

I think I’m where you are at. I want to go, but it’s not bad enough. But I also don’t want to spend my retirement years with him. We’ve just grown apart, and the age difference seems to get bigger as we age.

There doesn't have to be a "reason". You don't have to label him the bad guy, even if he is. It's just not working for you. That's reason enough.

@Dillydollydingdong

There doesn't have to be a "reason". You don't have to label him the bad guy, even if he is. It's just not working for you. That's reason enough.

This!!!

I think the difference is that before you could have said ‘I want a divorced because of your behaviour’ whereas now it will be more ‘I want a divorce because we’ve grown apart’.

It can feel like there is no ‘reason’ or good reasons for you to get divorced. In reality, just not loving him, nit wanting to grow old with him is enough.
You dint have to explain and give some substantial reasons why you want to end the relationship.

Re your dd… I can see where you are coming from. I think it’s a personal decision and up to you to see if you want to wait it out or not.

Similar wirh me too. So I've been with bf for 17 years with 3 children. I've been unhappy for the last couple of years, don't enjoy sex with him, and at times don't even enjoy being around him. We had a big argument back in June and when I said I wanted a separation, he broke down crying, saying he would change etc. To be fair to him, he's been very nice since, but the damage has already been done. Mentally, I left him at Christmas. It's just making it so hard now. The love for him has gone.

I'm 36 and he's my only ever relationship.

I just don't know how to end it and im so scared and anxious, I can't eat or sleep.

@Misssadone

Similar wirh me too. So I've been with bf for 17 years with 3 children. I've been unhappy for the last couple of years, don't enjoy sex with him, and at times don't even enjoy being around him. We had a big argument back in June and when I said I wanted a separation, he broke down crying, saying he would change etc. To be fair to him, he's been very nice since, but the damage has already been done. Mentally, I left him at Christmas. It's just making it so hard now. The love for him has gone.

I'm 36 and he's my only ever relationship.

I just don't know how to end it and im so scared and anxious, I can't eat or sleep.

You are so young ! If you’re going to go, do it, don’t get to 50 like me and still be here. The thing to do is ‘get your ducks in a row’ so you’re ready to go if and when you do.

@GoodnightGrandma I know, it's just I'm so scared. I don't know what to say, how to approach it etc. But I'm just settling (and being unhappy) as it seems the easier thing to do 😔

Yes, I agree with @GoodnightGrandma , you are young, do not wait until you are middle aged like me. It is really very simple, JUST DO IT! Just go to him and tell him that you want to separate. Do not let him drag you into any kind of discussion, explanations and stuff, this is where you will loose your momentum. Just say it plain and simple, " I am not happy in this relationship and I want us to separate". From this point on, just look forward, plan, organize and do. Trust me, if you are not happy now, things will not change in the future, it will get worse. It is very difficult to live in a relationship where you are not happy. You can in fact really get sick from this feeling. Save yourself. He may not realize it now or admit ever, but you will be doing him a favor too. Does he want to be with someone who is not happy being with him?

You can do it! Good luck.

Sorry, my message above was meant for @Misssadone. I forgot to add her username.

Hi this sounds like my marriage.. I finally left and even though it has ended horrendously my husband got arrested.. the kids and I are finally happy.. we only get one life.. we have a long way but not looking back
Trust your gut x

@freeatlast2021 thanks for the advice. Yes it's been very difficult for the past couple of years. But the last few months have gotten so hard, I struggle to sleep and have lost my appetite. I'm actually starting to feel depressed by it now.

It's just having the children, it's approaching Christmas. It's draining me and I don't think I have the courage

I really, really struggled to have the conversation. I hovered in the kitchen many times trying to get the courage up.
One day I just walked in and said ‘can we have a chat about me and you’.
We had the chat but it’s not changed anything, we’re still two people living in a house together. It’s still the same , and no matter how hard he tries I still don’t want it.
We will go our separate ways at some point and it’s sad, there’s no falling out as such, I’ve been angry in the past but I’ve reached acceptance now. I don’t want to live alone, I always thought we’d grow old together, but I don’t want to live with him either.

@GoodnightGrandma I could have written your last post, except for the part about the having the chat. I've not had that yet and tbh I don't know if I will ever have the balls to have it. As someone else said on a different thread (it was something along these lines) ''our lives are so very much intertwined, we have joint friends, joint lives, the DC would be devastated ... and I want to throw it all up in the air just because I want a good session between the sheets''.

H has said he thinks I am unhappy and that I am waiting for him to end it. I just walked off when he said that. But yes, I am. That way I don't get the blame for ending it all, I don't look like the bad guy, he cant get angry at me for ending it (a HUGE worry for me, I'm concerned about how nasty he would be/get). He wont end it though, he is happy to chug along as we are. He wants intimacy, I do too but just not with him, ever.

Its complicated in the fact that we are so intertwined - finances (which are also intertwined with his family too), friends, work (we work for the same company), DC together. We don't argue, we live separate lives to a lot of extent. To end it all would mean the DC cant get to see extended family living abroad (we can only afford to take them to see family overseas if we finance it together), we would have to sell the house, signification reduction in days out/holidays/other luxuries for DC. H and I carry on like housemates. We don't have sex, we aren't intimate so in effect we are just housemates.

Morning. Mind if I join? I'm in that phase that others have mentioned (maybe on other threads, I've lost track), of going round in circles.

I can't go on like this / I need to end the relationship / I'm not sure I can afford to / It's not that bad, he does at least cook and go shopping / Really it could be a lot worse / I should make more of an effort, I know he does love me / back to start.

As with many others, there's no abuse, infidelity etc, but he doesn't do much with the kids. (They are 10 and 8.) He has never taken them to the dentist, doctor, etc. The 8yo had a hospital appointment last week, which we had waited over a year for following a referral, and I came down with a cold. The night before the appointment, when I was feeling especially rough, he said "You're going to have to cancel if you're not well enough." My response, in my head, was "well you're obviously not going to step in, are you?"

At the time I didn't think much of it, because it's the norm in our house. But I told friends about it, and they were stunned, and said "He wouldn't even take his own child for a hospital appointment?" Another friend commented that it's almost like they're not his kids. That was a bit of a wake-up call.

So here I am, once again trawling MN threads, and wondering exactly what "getting my ducks in a row" constitutes. As I said, I've been thinking this way for a while, but I realised that I had literally no money, so couldn't leave if I wanted to. I started saving, and now have at least enough to get us out of here, but that makes me wonder even more, if it's really bad enough to warrant breaking up the family. Besides, I'm still not sure I'd be able to make ends meet. There are financial issues too - DH already owned the house when we met, so my name is not on the deeds. I don't really know what to do about that aspect.

All are welcome !
I had a free chat with a solicitor about 18 months ago (DH doesn’t know obviously) and it empowered me. He made me see that I could go it alone, and that I’m not going crazy at the thought of it !
So what is getting your ducks in a row ?
For me it’s making sure you are claiming any child benefit in your name.
Have your own bank account, and have your wages paid into it.
If you’re married, do either of you have a private pension.
If you’re renting, who is named on the agreement and when does it end.
If divorcing you will both have to show bank accounts for the last 12 months, so you might want to squirrel away some emergency money.
Make sure you’ve got a job and child care is covered, so you can go it alone.

Nepenthe - you need to see a solicitor. Usually when you marry you’re both entitled to half of each other’s stuff, depending upon the length of marriage.

Yeah, I do. I know. I think I'm delaying it, because then it's all real.

:(

how can you bear to go on living with someone you dislike? I would reframe it, not 'how can i get up the courage to leave' but "how can I bear to waste my precious life with someone I don't love" ( or even like )

You will be ok. This is the UK in the 21stC - it will not always be easy, but so much less draining than living like this ...

@flixon for me it's the guilt. I want to up-end the DC lives and everything they know just because I am not happy and I want to find someone who I fancy and who dresses and smells nice, who looks after themself, who notices me. Is that enough of a reason to completely change their lives, sell the house and risk them witnessing any nasty backlash from H. I just don't know if I could do it.

@Flixon because, believe it or not, for some people it can be worse to be on your own looking after your dcs as a single mother with little income etc… than living with someone like this.

Nit everyone has a support network around them. Not everyone has a job or can work. Etc etc etc….

In my case, on the top of living in poverty, my dcs would have ended up being my carer too.

[quote Misssadone]@freeatlast2021 thanks for the advice. Yes it's been very difficult for the past couple of years. But the last few months have gotten so hard, I struggle to sleep and have lost my appetite. I'm actually starting to feel depressed by it now.

It's just having the children, it's approaching Christmas. It's draining me and I don't think I have the courage[/quote]
Few months prior to having the talk with my ex I was going crazy. I could not sleep, I had headaches, my blood pressure was sky rocketing, I had dizzy spells, anxiety attacks and the constant sickness in the pit of my stomach. I honestly thought I would get seriously sick and perhaps die. I talked to my doctor and he suggested I told my husband, he said this will all go away once you get this conversation over with. And it did. It just went away after I said it out loud.

I totally understand all of you. This is hard, really hard, possibly the hardest thing I had to go through, and I went through a lot. The problem is, once you start thinking about this, it does not go away, it gets bigger and grows deeper, and if you do not deal with it, it will consume you.

@Nepenthe

Morning. Mind if I join? I'm in that phase that others have mentioned (maybe on other threads, I've lost track), of going round in circles.

I can't go on like this / I need to end the relationship / I'm not sure I can afford to / It's not that bad, he does at least cook and go shopping / Really it could be a lot worse / I should make more of an effort, I know he does love me / back to start.

As with many others, there's no abuse, infidelity etc, but he doesn't do much with the kids. (They are 10 and 8.) He has never taken them to the dentist, doctor, etc. The 8yo had a hospital appointment last week, which we had waited over a year for following a referral, and I came down with a cold. The night before the appointment, when I was feeling especially rough, he said "You're going to have to cancel if you're not well enough." My response, in my head, was "well you're obviously not going to step in, are you?"

At the time I didn't think much of it, because it's the norm in our house. But I told friends about it, and they were stunned, and said "He wouldn't even take his own child for a hospital appointment?" Another friend commented that it's almost like they're not his kids. That was a bit of a wake-up call.

So here I am, once again trawling MN threads, and wondering exactly what "getting my ducks in a row" constitutes. As I said, I've been thinking this way for a while, but I realised that I had literally no money, so couldn't leave if I wanted to. I started saving, and now have at least enough to get us out of here, but that makes me wonder even more, if it's really bad enough to warrant breaking up the family. Besides, I'm still not sure I'd be able to make ends meet. There are financial issues too - DH already owned the house when we met, so my name is not on the deeds. I don't really know what to do about that aspect.

But this is exactly what killed the love for me, or a big part of it. It shows a lack of caring and loving for you and the children.

Even I know in my head if not yet in my gut that I, and you, would not be breaking up the family, he has done that by his lack of care.

My husband had the house put in his name too. Why has your husband not changed this. It shows, again, being slightly detached in the relationship. Not really seeing yourself as a team.

I felt as you do that it would be just too hard to break up the family in my 40s. But trust me, it's even harder now. Okay, the children are not small any more, but I have much less energy to deal with the fall out and to galvanise myself into action. Partly, because the lack of caring has drained me over the years and the efforts to try and make the relationship 'right'.