How do I find the strength to make the move

[Pinkorangutan]

Long story of low level of abuse and neglect. Never being there for me, letting me down. For example, turning up a few days late for holidays, saying he'd be in for dinner at 8pm from the pub and then coming back at 10, regularly. Not helping me with anything connected with the kids, including ever taking them out on his own, doing swimming lessons, teaching them to ride their bikes, as well as any sickness or hospital visits all came down to me. Generally put his friends before me, eg booking holidays, nights out with them but always difficult when came down to booking our holidays, nights out etc. Lots of bad temper, walking out if he was upset about something (including on days out with kids, Christmas Day).

He tended to wait until I'd had enough before arranging something nice and winning me round.

Anyway, he got a job that involved a lot of travel and I started creating my own life. Lockdown then happened.

I'd got to the stage around then that I wasn't seeing a future for us and I thought he'd agree.

BUT now he's got used to being at home, plus seeing me drawing away he can't be nicer to me. Doing all the cooking, shopping etc.

Too little, too late but it's made it so much harder for me to get up the energy to end it. The evidence is all in the past, and I can't be angry with him right now IYSWIM.

Anyone experienced this and how did you get past it?

For info I'm late 50s and tired. It's hard to have the energy to make a move now and I've got one daughter in sixth form so it's a difficult time for her. But it's making me feel so depressed.

Also I'm a bit quirky and not everyone's cup of tea, so haven't got really close friends to provide a lot of support.

Pinkorangutan - ‘drained me’ strikes a chord with me. I’ve had to put up with drinking, little lies etc, all very draining. And I only have one life, and this is it, this is why I should have gone years ago.
And he could have made the effort to cut down/stop drinking, and try Viagra but he didn’t, yet I’m the one agonising over what I will be doing to the family. It’s laughable.

freeatlast2021 - ‘it will consume you’ - exactly right. The constant thoughts and scenarios, waking up in the night thinking about it. It’s constantly in your thoughts.

Yes, death by a thousand cuts. It happens for different reasons. For you, it's the lies and the drinking, with me it's been the consistent lack of caring and the walking on eggshells. But the end result is the same, love just dies.

And yes, the guilt you feel. I'm exactly the same. It's ridiculous when you think about it. All those years of us trying to do everything to make the family work, and now we're the ones feeling guilty. I do think it's partly the pressure society put on women to not complain and make things right for everyone.

It IS constantly in my thoughts. It's driving me a bit bonkers!

I was feeling a constant anxiety about it, and when I finally got the courage to have a conversation the anxiety went.
Unfortunately nothing came of the conversation, he looked like a rabbit in headlights, yet he agreed there was a problem and had done nothing about it !
Nothing changed , we’ve carried on ignoring it. Maybe he thinks I had a bout of PMT or something, but the old feelings are resurfacing already, and I am actually going to make a move soon.
I’d rather live alone, with all that that entails, than live in a constant state of anxiety simply caused by his presence.

@Pinkorangutan

Long story of low level of abuse and neglect. Never being there for me, letting me down. For example, turning up a few days late for holidays, saying he'd be in for dinner at 8pm from the pub and then coming back at 10, regularly. Not helping me with anything connected with the kids, including ever taking them out on his own, doing swimming lessons, teaching them to ride their bikes, as well as any sickness or hospital visits all came down to me. Generally put his friends before me, eg booking holidays, nights out with them but always difficult when came down to booking our holidays, nights out etc. Lots of bad temper, walking out if he was upset about something (including on days out with kids, Christmas Day).

He tended to wait until I'd had enough before arranging something nice and winning me round.

Anyway, he got a job that involved a lot of travel and I started creating my own life. Lockdown then happened.

I'd got to the stage around then that I wasn't seeing a future for us and I thought he'd agree.

BUT now he's got used to being at home, plus seeing me drawing away he can't be nicer to me. Doing all the cooking, shopping etc.

Too little, too late but it's made it so much harder for me to get up the energy to end it. The evidence is all in the past, and I can't be angry with him right now IYSWIM.

Anyone experienced this and how did you get past it?

For info I'm late 50s and tired. It's hard to have the energy to make a move now and I've got one daughter in sixth form so it's a difficult time for her. But it's making me feel so depressed.

Also I'm a bit quirky and not everyone's cup of tea, so haven't got really close friends to provide a lot of support.

It sounded like you dont really need this man. If he is of no use to you at all then he is just leaching off of your energy. If I were you, I will tell that man how I felt, demamd he make effort. If he wont change, I will wait for daughter to finish her sixth form and I will make the move. I wouldnt want to spend my time wasted on such individual.

@Pinkorangutan He has always been very protective of "his" money, but his family are unusually money-oriented, I find it quite odd. He and his siblings constantly bicker about their respective portions of inheritance, even though the family members in question are still very much alive! I find it distasteful.

He's odd about financial matters, generally not forthcoming, although leaves bank statements & mortgage statements out and lying around, so I don't think he's consciously trying to be secretive. When I've tried to have conversations about us being more of a team, financially, he doesn't see why it's necessary. He always reverts to "Don't worry, if anything happens to me you'll be looked after" and generally won't elaborate. I struggle to articulate why that's not enough, without sounding like I just want his money. I also know he's not above a white lie on occasion, if it serves his purpose. When I pressed him on this issue (years ago now), he got quite arsey, and said "How do you know I haven't changed my will?" Further down the line, we were talking about other financial stuff and, forgetting that I have a pretty good memory, he said "yes, I probably should make a will" or something, which confirmed what I thought, that he only said it to get me to pack off and drop the subject.

Generally he is quite tight with money, grumbles about the cost of running the tumble dryer etc. The dishwasher is fine though, when he's cooked a roast. I pointed out that these labour-saving devices are fine as long as it's HIS labour they're saving. He hasn't complained about that since. :D

@freeatlast2021 yes I feel exactly the same as you have described. It's definitely started to consume me....I feel so sick and literally wonder if I will survive through the nights 😩

So your symptoms literally went after you had the talk?

@Misssadone
Exactly, and I felt so much better. In fact each time I shared this with someone, especially of course my now ex and the kids, I felt better. I mean, just so we are clear, from the moment I told him I wanted to separate until a few weeks after he moved out were very hard. My initial symptoms of sickness were gone, but there was this feeling of anxiety coupled with guilt.

Three months after he moved out, I am a whole new person. So calm so healthy so happy. You know how they say, it has to get worse before it gets better. Yes, that!

@GoodnightGrandma

You either remember why you want to end it, or you wait it out and see if this new man lasts. I bet it won’t, so use this time to prepare for your new life.

This

[quote Misssadone]@freeatlast2021 thanks for the advice. Yes it's been very difficult for the past couple of years. But the last few months have gotten so hard, I struggle to sleep and have lost my appetite. I'm actually starting to feel depressed by it now.

It's just having the children, it's approaching Christmas. It's draining me and I don't think I have the courage[/quote]
The hardest part is often just beginning it with that first step. Once you start the break up it should make you feel better, it’s already making you so ill so you should try to do something and not continue living like this.

For me, the time before I told my 1st H that I no longer loved him and wanted a divorce were my darkest days.

Those dark days sucked all my energy. I had zero joy in my life that wasn't somehow diminished or overshadowed by the mere presence or absence of him.

If he was there, I felt depressed and joyless.

When his key turned in the door, I felt the 'drop' in my stomach and the dread in my heart.

I would extend the bath, story and bed routine for my kids, just because I needed to extend my time with them, and the happiness I felt when with them, before I would inevitably have to say goodnight and go downstairs and see him.

I could feel myself descending into a horrible place. A place where no light could possibly shine.

Staying in the marriage was ultimately harder than leaving it was.

I would always advise anyone who is suffering in a marriage and who is having great difficulty in summoning the energy or the will to take the final step and tell their spouse ''I want a divorce'', to do it.

Don't let meaningless worries about money or guilt hold you back.

People are often unable to imagine what their future could be like when they've been married for decades, so they stay simply because they cannot 'imagine' an alternative to their life now.
I know that it's often the 'unknown' quality of the 'future' that stops many from leaving unhappy marriages, but no-one actually knows what the 'future' will look like for them.

But I can tell you, 100%, that the future they could have once divorced/separated, will definitely be better than any future with their partner.

Sure, it'll probably mean a lot of changes, and maybe some difficult times, which they may have to face alone. But they will have happy times too. They will be proud of what they can accomplish. There will be a sense of pride. There will be lots of laughter.

All these things will happen, because the source of their deep unhappiness, depression and stress is GONE. The one person who is responsible for your anxiety, your fear, your distrust.....is gone from your home. And once you have a home filled with anything other than fear, depression, anxiety, distrust etc, you can begin to actually LIVE again.

I am so glad I found this thread. I have posted elsewhere questioning if I am mad to leave. I’ve been married 20 years and have been unhappy for all but the last two. My husband is incredibly selfish, low level abusive, angry, talks about me “owing” him sex. Two years ago he had an affair and I panicked and took him back. Things improved massively and we moved to a beautiful project home. I have realised that the problems are still here just in my dream home. He’s certainly better than he was but I don’t want sex and often don’t enjoy his company. I think a lot about the past and feel so sad he treated/treats me this way. But I am panicking about finishing it as it feels I have no valid reason?

@updownroundandround Great post.

@updownroundandround that’s such a helpful post. I’m in the “not told him yet” camp, and recognise all those feelings of dread - I’m hoping I’ll feel lighter once I’ve had the conversation.

@workanddogs
You not wanting to live with him IS a valid reason. Good luck.

This won't be popular but if you can hang on a few years for your daughter I would. I lived with a girl whose parents separated six months before she left for uni and it really affected her entire 20s. Awful and destabilising for her. You're so much older and more able to cope with these things at 23 than 18.

Have you been to couples therapy?

@YukoandHiro

This won't be popular but if you can hang on a few years for your daughter I would. I lived with a girl whose parents separated six months before she left for uni and it really affected her entire 20s. Awful and destabilising for her. You're so much older and more able to cope with these things at 23 than 18.

Have you been to couples therapy?

With all due respect but I do not think you understand. OP has already hung on for years and "few more years" are quite possible impossible for her to survive. I know that some kids take this very hard especially if they are younger, but older kids generally take it much better. Either way, OP has to think of her self. She has given this man decades of her life. Enough is enough. It is time for her to take over the reins of her own life. To live, to be free, to be happy.