Disappointed alcohol related

[MirrorOnTheWal]

Went away with my DH this weekend for one night. Long time overdue. I spent a lot of money on sexy undies. Really looking forward to it. DH has been so much better with his drinking recently but not how id like it. DH ruined it by getting pissed i dont drink but happy for him to have some in moderation. He started drinking at lunchtime with food. We checked into the hotel and he carried on drinking in our room. We enjoyed sexy time. Then as we were getting ready to go out, i was already a bit unsure about my outfit but he made a derogatory comment “you look like a bus driver” wtf which i didn't find funny, he did. He “just popped out to reception to ask a question” then rang me from the bar “oh just thought id get another drink”. I drove us to the restaurant, we were in a city so had to find parking. He was already getting twitchy as i was driving not him (but he couldnt as he was intoxicated). Starts arguing with me, shouting, telling me to get out and he will drive and find the car park etc. then, find the car park, i find a space and reverse into it im in between the lines. He then starts full on shouting at me, horrible names moaning that ive not left enough space between me and the car next to me, they will hit his door etc. there was enough room. I went out again and reversed back in. By this point, i feel like driving back to the hotel. We walk down to the centre and he admits hes an idiot. He carrys on drinking, fine whatever and when we get to the restaurant drinks a glass of water as he feels drunk but then ordered a glass of wine with dinner. Fine. After the meal we get back in the car, sat nav on, one of the roads is closed. Sat nav keeps trying to take us down that road. Full on argument by now as to why cant he drive- we would get home much quicker apparently. Eventually i stop the car to have a look at google maps to see where the hotel is to where we are (there was a river in between us so we needed to get across a bridge). DH still shouting sbout how rubbish i am at driving etc. so eventually make it back yo the hotel, get in and DH thinks we can just resume our earlier sess. Er no i dont think so. Moods gone right out the window. He tries it on 3-4 times, then has a massive strop, shouting and saying its my fault for ruining the weekend etc. im just like whatever when i try to talk sbout it now, hes like “oh your not going to keep going on about this are you, ive said im sorry”

He is a heavy drinker. Drinks around 70 units a week. Probably has one day alcohol free a week. He knows it makes me unhappy. Hes a shouty father. Doesnt really help with the kids just shouts, so i parent pretty much on my own. Try to shield them from him, then get accused of not parenting them properly.

Anyway, tbh i think my marriage is on the rocks the more he drinks the further i find myself stepping away

Sorry but you need to leave him. He's a shout father and it will only get worse.

That sounds really shit OP and not at all acceptable. How are you going to take control of the situation? It is perfectly reasonable to step away from something that is making you so unhappy. It is also probably not a great environment for your children to be in and will affect them adversely (daughter of an alcoholic here with personal experience). Hugs and strength to you.

I don’t see how you can have a normal relationship with someone who drinks 70 units a week.

This is not a healthy environment for you or your children
He will only stop when he decides to
I would leave until he proves he can stop completely and be the father and husband he should be

He has a problem with alcohol. Does he apologise the morning after or want to change at all?
Would he be prepared to give up alcohol completely to save his marriage, because, by the sounds of it, he's unable to moderate.

Thanks for responding. I know what i need to do but its finding that strength. 70 units a week amounts to around 4 cans a day, which ive bedn advised on this site previously that isnt a lot he cant see that without alcohol, things could be great between us. During the day, we get on great, but once he starts drinking, its like he goes into his own world and we all tip toe round

Time to step away, don't you think?

Sounds like he is on the way to alcoholism, if not already there.

And it's not a good environment to raise your children.

Is it actually 70 units a week? On 4 cans a say his tolerance would be quite high so he won't actually be getting drunk? It sounds like it's probably higher than that.

Anyway, you need to leave him. I can't see how you could possibly justify staying in a relationship that's like this?

Step away?
I'd be running.

He's an alcoholic.
I presume that your own father was the same and you know no better, otherwise you wouldn't put your own children through this kind of hardship.

You're unhappy, the kids are being bullied - you need to split up.

But he's not drinking 4 cans a day is he? That is a day of prolonged heavy drinking which ruined your day.

And it doesn't matter if he's drinking 17 units or 70, the fact is that his drinking is affecting his behaviour really severely and ruining your time together.

And he's a shouty father. That is not ok.

Yes it is. Each can is 2.2 units and sadly, im consumed with counting how much he drinks im just sick of it all

This sounds awful OP. You need to understand that you can’t fix this. There is nothing that you can do (or not do) to stop him drinking, only he can do that and it doesn’t sound like he wants to, or even acknowledges there’s a problem. The only thing you can control is how you respond. If you’ve told him you don’t like his drinking and how it makes him behave, and he’s not prepared to change, all you can do is remove yourself and your children from the situation.

Can you try to find an al anon group to join? Alongside leaving him

But he wasn't drinking cans at the bar or in the restaurant. You said he had wine with dinner.

I grew up on an alcoholic household. You can't shield the kids from it. Not while he lives there. You'll all spend your lives walking on eggshells. You can't make him better. He has to leave and sort himself out, for himself.

Your poor DC.

Shouting and yelling is domestic violence and emotional abuse. This leaves a huge and disproportionate emotional injury on children (compared to adults) - they absorb the stress and internalise the fear. Children are powerless in these situations and their emotional development will be impacted negatively with behavioural issues in the short term and likely chronic MH and anxiety issues in teenage years.

They also have an exhausted preoccupied Mum focusing her finite energy on keeping the problem drinker safe and picking up all the physical and emotional burden of the family - so you can’t give your best to your DCs which is what they need.

You need expert support to manage this. Have you looked at Al Anon or had any counselling?

Oh love, I've been in your shoes, the chasm between 'this is shit' and 'but I've no idea how shit it will be without him' in front of you.

It's going to be hard. If you stay or go. It's going to be hard. But you're already doing most of the heavy stuff with the kids, and the emotional load on your own.

If you leave, setting up on your own will be hard to begin with. But the rest of it you're already doing. And you won't have to deal with his alcoholism. Nor the depression I can hear in your post. Nor the financial drain on your household budget. Nor the ridiculous demands for crap sex. Nor the blaming you for spoiling thi gs, the guilt, the gaslighting.

It's hard to make that step op. But staying is harder, until you get to the point you can't stay any more - until he gets in the car drunk, until he uses alcohol as an excuse for violence towards you and the children.

Bug handhold from me op x

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are still being met within this marriage?.

Did you see similar as a child?. What were you taught by them about relationships?. Are you codependent as well, you may well be. I ask as this state and alcoholism often go hand in hand. You're also playing out the other roles associated with such too; provoker (you never forget) and enabler. This does not help you or him and enabling him gives you a false sense of control.

Your H should not drink alcohol ever again let alone you being happy for him to have some in moderation!. What you are describing here is alcoholism.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?.

Find the strength within you that is still there and plan your exit from this marriage now and with due care and attention. Seeking legal advice re divorce is something you need to do here. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and its never been with you all either. His thoughts also centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

Its not so much the amount that he puts away daily that matters, its how his daily drinking affects you all. And it is affecting you and to the detriment of your children as well; they're seeing a shouty dad and they are frightened of him. They also see you as their mother trying and failing to firefight the chaos within and this is not doing them any favours. You're also not able fully to protect them from all this because you're all still living under the same roof. This also is making you not fully emotionally available to your kids because part of your headspace is taken up with your alcoholic.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. What are their main memories of childhood here going to be particularly if you were to stay with your alcoholic?. None of your kids will want to come home to see either of you, your own relationship with them could well be long since trashed. You cannot rescue and or save this man from his alcoholism, he has to want to do that for his own self and for him to decide that for his own self. He is showing no signs of wanting to stop drinking.

Would urge you to also contact Al-anon and at the very least read their literature.

Drop the rope here re policing his drinking; doing that does not work either.

I would also think your comment about you getting on great with him during the day is not true either; that is likely you trying to put a gloss on things.

You need to protect your children here. He is an abusive alcoholic and that is going to do huge damage to them to grow up with that. I've experienced enough trauma from having an alcoholic mother and brother. If you can't leave for yourself , leave for them. They already have a genentic predisposition to addiction , having one in the family but growing up around it makes it even worse

Sounds like a total arse hole
The drinking, abuse
Then thinking sober you would want to shag pissed abusive him
Sounds like an alcohol problem and worrying he blames you for everything that he perceives as not perfect

OP

Alcoholism is also called the "family disease" and rightly so. You're all profoundly affected by your H's alcoholism and your recovery from this won't start until you have got off the merry go around entirely.

Do read this article OP about the 3 act play that is alcoholism:-

storage.cloversites.com/recoveryatcokesbury/documents/A%20Merry%20Go%20Round%20For%20Femaile%20Alcoholic-%20final%20%281%29.pdf

You're just not compatible. DH and both big drinkers and we enjoy drinking together so it's never a problem. It would probably be a problem if one of us stopped drinking though. Did you know he drank a lot when you chose to marry him?

Anyway, tbh i think my marriage is on the rocks - biggest understatement of the year.

Dear Mirroronthewal, this marriage sounds like absolute hell. I assume you have given him ultimatums before. Nothing will work. Get yourself and your children away from this man. Start anew.

Can you imagine the sense of freedom, being able to live without this man in your house?