Disappointed alcohol related

[MirrorOnTheWal]

Went away with my DH this weekend for one night. Long time overdue. I spent a lot of money on sexy undies. Really looking forward to it. DH has been so much better with his drinking recently but not how id like it. DH ruined it by getting pissed i dont drink but happy for him to have some in moderation. He started drinking at lunchtime with food. We checked into the hotel and he carried on drinking in our room. We enjoyed sexy time. Then as we were getting ready to go out, i was already a bit unsure about my outfit but he made a derogatory comment “you look like a bus driver” wtf which i didn't find funny, he did. He “just popped out to reception to ask a question” then rang me from the bar “oh just thought id get another drink”. I drove us to the restaurant, we were in a city so had to find parking. He was already getting twitchy as i was driving not him (but he couldnt as he was intoxicated). Starts arguing with me, shouting, telling me to get out and he will drive and find the car park etc. then, find the car park, i find a space and reverse into it im in between the lines. He then starts full on shouting at me, horrible names moaning that ive not left enough space between me and the car next to me, they will hit his door etc. there was enough room. I went out again and reversed back in. By this point, i feel like driving back to the hotel. We walk down to the centre and he admits hes an idiot. He carrys on drinking, fine whatever and when we get to the restaurant drinks a glass of water as he feels drunk but then ordered a glass of wine with dinner. Fine. After the meal we get back in the car, sat nav on, one of the roads is closed. Sat nav keeps trying to take us down that road. Full on argument by now as to why cant he drive- we would get home much quicker apparently. Eventually i stop the car to have a look at google maps to see where the hotel is to where we are (there was a river in between us so we needed to get across a bridge). DH still shouting sbout how rubbish i am at driving etc. so eventually make it back yo the hotel, get in and DH thinks we can just resume our earlier sess. Er no i dont think so. Moods gone right out the window. He tries it on 3-4 times, then has a massive strop, shouting and saying its my fault for ruining the weekend etc. im just like whatever when i try to talk sbout it now, hes like “oh your not going to keep going on about this are you, ive said im sorry”

He is a heavy drinker. Drinks around 70 units a week. Probably has one day alcohol free a week. He knows it makes me unhappy. Hes a shouty father. Doesnt really help with the kids just shouts, so i parent pretty much on my own. Try to shield them from him, then get accused of not parenting them properly.

Anyway, tbh i think my marriage is on the rocks the more he drinks the further i find myself stepping away

@BrunoJenkins we both did used to drink a lot together. Weve been together since young so 25 years. Went through the party/clubbing years together but ive stopped (to be a better parent to my children/stay healthy) and hes still the same unfortunately.

Did he drink that much when you first met or has he got steadily worse.

Your marriage isn't on the rocks it hit the rocks ages ago and is just shipwrecked by now. You're standing on the wreckage pretending you're still on your way somewhere. Sorry to be harsh but this is vile and you cannot live like this, and nor can your children.

Don't wait until he's diagnosed with an alcohol related cancer or has a stroke or heart attack. Dementia likely too in heavy drinkers in older years. Then you'll feel well and truly stuck.
That's before thinking about the effects of all this on your DC and mental health.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no my parents rarely drank, personally didnt witness alcoholism in my family. DH did (parents heavy drinkers/siblings heavy drinkers) along with DV on his side. I was more in shouty, bullying threats of violence from older siblings situation. I come from a large family. I think perhaps thats why ive gotten away from that and codependent on DH worried im no good on my own. Ive put on a facade that my life is perfect to siblings/parents in a way. Dont want to feel like a failure. As sad as it sounds, I adapt to situations so i fit in and keep the peace. I had poor self esteem at school and bullied all throughout.

[quote MirrorOnTheWal]@BrunoJenkins we both did used to drink a lot together. Weve been together since young so 25 years. Went through the party/clubbing years together but ive stopped (to be a better parent to my children/stay healthy) and hes still the same unfortunately.[/quote]
The problem is that you've changed the dynamic of your relationship and now it's no longer what he signed up for. YANBU to stop drinking yourself but YABU to expect your DH to do the same if he doesn't want to. He obviously has built up a lot resent about it already which is making him abusive. I would end things so you can both find someone who is more compatible.

That's a terrible way to speak to someone. It's not loving. It's not a way to speak to the person you like best in the world. I would leave.

Record the idiot and keep it as evidence. I wouldn't tolerate living with a drunk.

This is serious. Please leave the scumbag and find a new place to live OP.

You are not a failure, if anyone has failed here at life it’s him.

You would feel more of a failure though if you were to stay with him. You are hurt from years of being bullied and otherwise put down. People pleasing others as you have done has not helped you either and you need counselling to unlearn this behaviour.

Shine sunlight on this and be truthful to your family about life at home for you all with your husband. Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

The problem is that you've changed the dynamic of your relationship and now it's no longer what he signed up for. YANBU to stop drinking yourself but YABU to expect your DH to do the same if he doesn't want to. He obviously has built up a lot resent about it already which is making him abusive. I would end things so you can both find someone who is more compatible.

Wow what an...unusual perspective!
OP has changed the dynamics because they have children and they are no longer teenagers. The husband becoming resentful that he is now a father with responsibilities and therefore should be reducing his caning isn't the OP's fault nor is it a reason or cause for him being abusive.
I guess it would be better for him to find a partner who is happy to cane with him daily but it's not going to help him become a better father is it??

.....ive stopped (to be a better parent to my children/stay healthy) ....

So keep being a better parent... you will not fix him. You will not fix the marriage. You WILL save your kids from this nightmare and show them how to be strong, you WILL show them how to set standards and boundaries in relationships. You WILL show them to have respect for themselves.
He wont stop drinking for you or the kids. You are not his priority.
Walk away by whatever method you can.. the drill is one MN everyday... ducks in a row...tell family and friends.
He is not your responsibility... but your kids are.
And you... you know this isnt right, and that you are worth more than this.

Why would you want to stay with a man who shouts at you and berates you while you’re driving him around (because he’s too pissed to drive himself), demands to drive when drunk, and ruins your night away by getting pissed and abusive? And then expects you to have sex with him after that!

[quote MirrorOnTheWal]@AttilaTheMeerkat no my parents rarely drank, personally didnt witness alcoholism in my family. DH did (parents heavy drinkers/siblings heavy drinkers) along with DV on his side. I was more in shouty, bullying threats of violence from older siblings situation. I come from a large family. I think perhaps thats why ive gotten away from that and codependent on DH worried im no good on my own. Ive put on a facade that my life is perfect to siblings/parents in a way. Dont want to feel like a failure. As sad as it sounds, I adapt to situations so i fit in and keep the peace. I had poor self esteem at school and bullied all throughout.[/quote]
This sounds so much like how I was. I didn't want to feel a failure in front of my family so I put up with silently for far too long. I thought my mum loved him, though now I think she had her suspicions. But I waited till she'd died before I had to courage to sort it, so I didn't have to face her disapproval.

I thought I couldn't do it on my own, but it got to the point where I realised that actually I had been doing it on my own as he was drunk so often.

The relief when we split up was enormous. No more dreading coming home wondering how drunk he'd be etc. My anxiety went right down. I am so happy now. It was the best decision ever.

He's jobless and flitting between family members houses.

I know what life I prefer.

[quote MirrorOnTheWal]@AttilaTheMeerkat no my parents rarely drank, personally didnt witness alcoholism in my family. DH did (parents heavy drinkers/siblings heavy drinkers) along with DV on his side. I was more in shouty, bullying threats of violence from older siblings situation. I come from a large family. I think perhaps thats why ive gotten away from that and codependent on DH worried im no good on my own. Ive put on a facade that my life is perfect to siblings/parents in a way. Dont want to feel like a failure. As sad as it sounds, I adapt to situations so i fit in and keep the peace. I had poor self esteem at school and bullied all throughout.[/quote]
So much here…..when you were bullied by older siblings and others at school should an adult have intervened to stop this so that your self esteem didn’t cripple you for life?

You need to take responsibility to be that adult for your own DCs now.

There is no shame or failure in removing your DCs from a toxic environment which will emotionally injure then and leave them with chronic MH issues for life. You should be proud and open about doing this.

Everyone else already knows that your DH is a problematic drinker and an abusive arse - it will be written all over your face and subtly in your DCs behaviours. They will have seen him behave shockingly and you trying to hide it.

They will be relieved, supportive and proud when you open up.

Look at his family - yours is the same. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - you already have DV in your home. Look at how the older members of his family exist - this is the future you are enabling for your DC and yourself.

Seek some support for you through Al Anon, reach out to trusted friends. Don’t waste another moment if your DC childhood and precious emotional development in this environment. You have a lot to repair.

If you leave him he may even sort himself out (this means teetotal for a whole year) and you may consider what role he plays in family life after that point. But thats an unlikely outcome.

Thanks for all your replies. I do say to myself i might aswell be a single parent as i am anyway. Ive got an extra child that constantly needs my headspace and it shouldnt be like that. I know what i need to do

I hope you find the strength to leave, OP. I've been where you are now, albeit my DDs were older teens, and I can honestly say that our lives have been so much better without an alcoholic husband/father. The getting there is hard, but the end goal is a peaceful, happy household.