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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be gutted by my partners comment

38 replies

basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 20:41

In a relationship of 18 months.so very happy and to my mind, equal and loving.
We are very happy.
I came from a emotionally abusive relationship where I spent years treading on egg shells and trying to keep the peace by pleasing my exh.
New partner is first since exh.The marriage ended two and a half years ago.
My partner said to me last night that he finds me jumpy lately and that I seem
To keep trying to please him and keep him happy, when there is absolutely no need as he said he is very happy.
I am gutted. I spent so much time at therapy determined never to make the same
Mistakes again. We genuinely love and care and respect each other and put each other first.
Can you help me Unpick here please?

OP posts:
ElleStartingOver · 23/10/2021 20:44

Do you think there is any truth in what he said?

It sounds like he is trying to reassure you, but be kind to yourself it’s so hard to unlearn those habits. One day at a time x

summersYs · 23/10/2021 21:06

Does he know you acted like this previously and is hyper aware of it? It sounds like he really cares from your initial post

Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 21:08

He really does care but honestly if a man was trying to please me all the time and acting like I was up on a pedestal I'd get the ick very fast.
Yes he knows about my past.

OP posts:
Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 21:09

I entered this relationship
Determined I wouldn't make the same
Mistakes of my past.
I am kind, generous and put him first but not to my own detriment.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2021 21:12

Does he think you’ve changed recently and if so why does he think that?

It sounds like a caring comment to me. What did you take it mean?

TheFoundations · 23/10/2021 21:12

@basketoflogs

He really does care but honestly if a man was trying to please me all the time and acting like I was up on a pedestal I'd get the ick very fast. Yes he knows about my past.
And you're projecting this onto him.

Is that what's worrying you? That he'll get the ick?

What do you think was his intended aim when he said it?

SwanShaped · 23/10/2021 21:13

Are there times when you don’t say what you think, in order to go with his idea? Why do you put him first? Does he put you first too?

FreeBritnee · 23/10/2021 21:14

Perhaps he is wrong and you’re not doing that at all.

Cazck · 23/10/2021 21:19

Perhaps you have changed in the way that you want in that you are looking out for yourself but it doesn't necessarily mean that your whole personality has changed and that you are just a generous and caring person.
Just keep checking in with yourself regularly and recap on how you have been lately and whether you feel any further changed are needed or whether you are happy with how you are being.

Spidersinmyhair · 23/10/2021 21:26

Personally I wouldn't ever say that I put my partner first. I can understand putting kids first because they're dependent on you, but a partner is a partner - you're meant to be on the same level.

Stovetopespresso · 23/10/2021 21:35

am I missing something op, isn't he just saying he loves and cares for you a lot, do you feel fine or is it ypur suspicion that he is baiting ypu in some way? it all depends on how you feel and maybe you could say a bit more about that Flowers

Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 21:36

He said he finds me jumpy over the last few weeks.
It was said with kindness ... basically that I shoujdmt feel I had to please him all the time.
That is my nature though.
It is equal and I feel cherished.
I do please him As he pleases me.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 23/10/2021 21:36

The thing is that sometimes, subconsciously we revert to what we "know". Certain gestures,actions are second nature. I do things sometimes without there being a need to.. it's just instinct.

Has your behaviour changed at all lately? Is there any truth in what he says about the jumpiness?

I'd say before you do stuff,especially "fussing" stuff ask yourself 1.do I want to do this and 2. Do I need to this? If the answer is no to either, don't do it. If it's yes, ask yourself why. It will give you some time to think and reflect and decide whether it's a healthy response or not.

Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 21:37

What do you mean by baiting ?

OP posts:
Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 21:38

Pleasing my exh to keep the peace is all o ever knew.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 21:45

Two possibilities come to mind. One is that you have been jumpy lately and your partner has picked up on this. Only you know if you have been. It sounds like you were surprised to hear this though?

Another possibility is that he is trying to subtly undermine you, to destabilise you in some way. Your response to his comment is disappointment with yourself, and self blame. Does that tell you something about what happened here?

I think you need to ask him to clarify. Ask him for a couple of examples of your jumping and see if it makes sense in context. You may have maybe agreed with something where he expected some pushbike, for example. He needs to make it concrete so you can understand and respond appropriately.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 21:46

Jumping = jumpiness
Pushbike = pushback

Stupid phone

LiquidSodaCrystal · 23/10/2021 21:48

What is your worry here? I can’t work it out.

tiredandmardy · 23/10/2021 21:51

I think he probably wants you just to relax and be comfortable…for you and for him.

There is something very sexy and loving about having a woman feel totally comfortable around you and letting her guard down. Seeming to want to really please can be counter to that.

I would just take your foot of the gas a bit and tell him how comfortable you feel with him and how you don’t need to be trying too hard/be too jumpy?

picklemewalnuts · 23/10/2021 21:53

On the surface of it, it sounds as though he's trying to reassure you. That he can see you aren't entirely relaxed, and he wants you to know you can be- that he isn't going to pounce and find fault.

Have you been relaxed, or a bit tenser than usual? He may be picking up on something you haven't noticed.

You don't have to change though. You can just assure him you're fine, don't worry about it.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 21:54

The fact that you are gutted is what makes me wonder if this is some kind of manipulation by him. But it does sound like it was meant to be reassuring. Do you have a counsellor or anyone you talk to who is familiar with your situation? They might be better placed to help with this.

Livandme · 23/10/2021 22:20

Is the anniversary of a difficult time? I find anniversaries difficult sometimes and know I can be different as I try and deal with them

Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 22:30

No. No anniversary but he has moved jobs and city. I have been unsettled about that.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 23/10/2021 22:39

@basketoflogs

No. No anniversary but he has moved jobs and city. I have been unsettled about that.
Do you normally find change unsettling in a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" way? Are you worried about losing him? New job.. new city.. what's next? New gf?
Original poster
basketoflogs · 23/10/2021 22:41

Yes maybe

OP posts:
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