To be gutted by my partners comment

[basketoflogs]

In a relationship of 18 months.so very happy and to my mind, equal and loving.
We are very happy.
I came from a emotionally abusive relationship where I spent years treading on egg shells and trying to keep the peace by pleasing my exh.
New partner is first since exh.The marriage ended two and a half years ago.
My partner said to me last night that he finds me jumpy lately and that I seem
To keep trying to please him and keep him happy, when there is absolutely no need as he said he is very happy.
I am gutted. I spent so much time at therapy determined never to make the same
Mistakes again. We genuinely love and care and respect each other and put each other first.
Can you help me Unpick here please?

I know that hewas trying to reassure me. I am very attentive as is he, but he felt that I was putting his needs ahead of mine and didn't understand that it was because I wanted to rather than
Feeling that I had to , if I make sense...

@basketoflogs

I know that hewas trying to reassure me. I am very attentive as is he, but he felt that I was putting his needs ahead of mine and didn't understand that it was because I wanted to rather than Feeling that I had to , if I make sense...

But why do you want to?

Because I enjoy that . He is very not used to that. Two relationships that didn't work out but were entirely different to
Ours and yes he thinks that me being that attentive is unusual .
He also had a destructive history of relationships

“Destructive history of relationships” what does that mean? I think his move to a new job has spiked your attachment anxiety sub consciously. He has picked up you running around fussing and trying to please him. It’s time to step back and chill. Maybe look at each action you want to do and question it. It sounds like he sees this change and is telling you that it isn’t necessary to be pleasing him all the time but to relax. He wants you as an equal which is healthy.

Thank you so much. I hope you are right !

Well in his previous two relationships which would have lasted 14 years in total, they were not loving or kind or thoughtful towards each other if that makes sense . They weren't compatible in the end.

Ask him for examples of you doing those things.
It sounds like he wants to reassure you but, still, you do need to know what he means.

op I don't see the problem here really, it's just a really touchy - sensitive area for you. by 'baiting' I meant was he trying to get a reaction from you for some reason of his own. but I could be seeing problems where there are none, sounds like you need to have a little faith in yourself.

You said in response to his comment:

"I am gutted. I spent so much time at therapy determined never to make the same Mistakes again."

You then say that this is in your nature & what you're naturally like

So which is it? Is the people pleasing a problem you've been working on in therapy, or is this your natural way & you're most comfortable like this?

It can be draining to have someone always wanting to cater to you. It can over time make someone respect you less.

Maybe stop trying so hard ? What are examples of things you do to please him, at the expense of yourself?

He sounds lovely, so I think you can be reassured there.

If you find you're stepping in too much (even if you WANT to be doing it), I think a good idea is to step out a little. Take yourself off to do something for you - see friends, eat out, walk, shop, read a book, sing loudly, take a class... whatever it is you like to do. It will help calm your anxiety at his change in city/job, and give you stuff to talk about.

Try not to overthink this though. Just go out and do something. It's amazing how quickly this can put us on an even setting again. Good luck

Have you thought about getting some counselling for the two of you? You've both had some bad experiences and picked up some dysfunctional patterns in your relationships. It might really help to talk some of this through and come up with strategies and tactics to support one another.

I don't think you need to panic or feel bad about yourself here, OP. But it does sound like you both would benefit from some more communication and support from a counsellor. Unless the feeling bad is because he's made you feel that way - that's the only potential red flag I see here. But it sounds like he is actually trying to be kind and supportive rather than trigger a bout of self-doubt and self-blame. Only you know if that's the case.

To update: We had a good chat.He told
Me how much he loves me and how he is not used to the level of generosity, generally. He spoke about his previous two relationships where he never experienced such mutual care and kindness.
I told him how unsettled I was about his new moves which he completely understood.
I guess that because our relationship began through the early stages of covid and restriction, it's always been just us two. Now that the world has opened up, we are free to spend more time with family and friends so because we o or see each other at weekends, This also made me feel unsettled.
I have thought about your advice and I think I need to get busy! Spend more time with friends and family and take
My focus off the relationship.
I expect that it is deeply unattractive to be so available and agreeable all the time, which is what I have been.
Great advice from you all and much appreciated.

It's so lovely to see a post about things going right, on MN.