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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Passive DH who sleeps if he doesn’t want to go out…

43 replies

SleepersWife · 23/10/2021 19:07

I have married a man who comes from a family of not talking about things. They are all very passive and there is never even any healthy conflict or discussion.

DH has got a bit better with me but sometimes he will still be passive rather than say he’s not happy or doesn’t want to something. He’ll just keep quiet.

Anyway, I’ve noticed one of the ways he does this is that he sleeps!

We have a table booked for 730pm. It’s a 15 min drive so we need to leave in 10 mins. I am ready to go.

Yesterday, his mum asked him what we were up to this weekend and he replied, “we might be going out for dinner.” That was my first clue he didn’t actually want to go out this evening. I asked him why he told her it was only a maybe and he shrugged.

Cue this afternoon. About 4pm he started snoozing on the sofa. 6pm he wakes up and I ask him if he’s ready to go, he says he’s ready (he isn’t, he’s just in a t-shirt). He’s now gone back to sleep.

Now here’s the thing. If I don’t wake him and we miss dinner, he says it is my fault for not waking him. That if I had wanted to go I would have woken him.

Please give me some scripts I can say to stop him turning it back and making it my fault.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Tibtab · 23/10/2021 19:09

There’s not really a script when you’re dealing with a man-child

ladymuck111 · 23/10/2021 19:09

Leave him asleep and go for dinner alone

napody · 23/10/2021 19:10

Well, I’d wake him!

coodawoodashooda · 23/10/2021 19:10

@ladymuck111

Leave him asleep and go for dinner alone
This.
stalkersaga · 23/10/2021 19:11

Either wake him and he can go in a t-shirt, or better yet go out without him.

Aria2015 · 23/10/2021 19:12

Just wake him up. If he doesn't like conflict, surely he'll just go to dinner once you've woken him. He can't be annoyed that you've woken him, he has a longer nap than my 1 year old lol!

RubyFowler · 23/10/2021 19:12

Wake up, its time to go.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 23/10/2021 19:12

You either wake him now and he can go out wearing whatever he's got in. Or you simply go in your own and if he moans tough shit. He's an adult who can either set an alarm or make sure he wakes in time to go out

This would drive me mental

FlowerArranger · 23/10/2021 19:13

I feel sorry for the restaurant which will have yet another no-show...

Beamur · 23/10/2021 19:13

I'd just wake him up in time to get changed and ready.
You enable this behaviour if you just go along with it

KeyboardWorriers · 23/10/2021 19:13

What happens if you wake him up?

Failingbettereverytime · 23/10/2021 19:13

I don't understand why you don't just wake him and say time to go.

BitterTits · 23/10/2021 19:15

That's pathetic. He needs to get off his arse and live.

My script would be stop being so lazy and get ready now.

gamerchick · 23/10/2021 19:16

@FlowerArranger

I feel sorry for the restaurant which will have yet another no-show...
Yep.

Ring a taxi, take a book and go chill.

When you get back, tell the fucker to stay on the settee.

BrilliantBulb · 23/10/2021 19:16

@RubyFowler

Wake up, its time to go.
This.

But really I would go for dinner alone and slam the door on my way out. Have a lovely time!

Original poster
SleepersWife · 23/10/2021 19:20

No sooner did I press ‘post’ he came up the stairs. He’s now getting ready.

As for why I don’t wake him - it infuriates me to be his personal alarm clock. He’s 41. He is able to set an alarm for when he needs to be somewhere.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 23/10/2021 19:22

He said that he wants to go and that he is ready, so wake him up and tell him it’s time to go.

BrilloPaddy · 23/10/2021 19:22

I think an air horn may solve the problem.............

drspouse · 23/10/2021 19:24

Set an alarm on his phone.
"Oh you didn't set it? How strange"

Tiramiwho · 23/10/2021 19:25

You've booked a table. This is someone's livelihood. Has he no sense of shame?
Get your manchild off the bloody couch and fulfill your obligation. 😠
Buon appetite 🍽️

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/10/2021 19:29

I wouldn’t wake him; I’d just go out without him every time. And I certainly wouldn’t brook any suggestion that his passive aggressive sleeping was somehow my fault...

Original poster
SleepersWife · 23/10/2021 19:29

@FlowerArranger and @Tiramiwho I would have gone on my own. I’m starving and the restaurant has amazing reviews.

I just want to know how to move the narrative away from it being my fault that I didn’t wake him up.

We are in the car, not talking…

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/10/2021 19:31

Tell him what you said to us - he’s capable of setting an alarm. He’s an adult not a child and you are not his mummy.

End of discussion.

Diversion · 23/10/2021 19:41

Go on your own and enjoy your meal. Make plans in the future and remind him of them up until the day/evening before. If he isn't ready, go alone and if this continues to happen consider if you actually want to be in this marriage.

CasaBonita · 23/10/2021 19:42

I would also go alone. Fuck him.

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