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Original poster

Feelings of awkwardness around physical contact when dating a man, any success stories?

38 replies

aurynne · 22/10/2021 22:28

Hi MNers, I need to ask for your collective wisdom in a dating situation I had never experienced before.

I am in my 40s and about a month and a half ago started dating a man on his 50s. He is intelligent, we talk for hours, fit as a fiddle, I find him very attractive. We spend a lot of time together doing things we love to do: hiking, biking, cooking, walking the dog... I love spending time with him and he loves spending time with me. I miss him when I'm not with him. It all sounds great for a budding relationship, right?

Well, no. There is one point which has been awkward from the beginning, and initially I thought it was part of getting to know a new person and it would get better. But it hasn't and we have got ourselves to an impasse we seem unable to get out of.

Our first dates went great, but at the end I was a bit disappointed that he hadn't initiated a kiss. About 2 weeks into dating we were having a drink at mine and I thought: "right, this is it, let's get things going". Started kissing him, however the kisses felt... I don't know, wrong. Kind of short kisses, not really long enjoyable ones, kind of like our lips didn't move in synchrony. We ended having sex, which was a bit awkward but it often happens like that this first time, no biggie. I thought that, after that day, things would get naturally better and we'd get physically more comfortable with each other.

We didn't. Peck on the lips when we met, peck on the lips when we said good bye, holding hands... and that was the extent of the physical closeness we had.

I have always been a very touchy-feely person. I love touch, long kisses, caresses, massage. Normally I am always touching a partner, not in a sexual way (although I love sex too, but what I mean, touch and kissing does not mean only sex for me).

I brought the issue up in the beginning thinking "perhaps he is not a touchy person", however he told me he was feeling exactly the same way, he felt we didn't kiss or touch each other enough and that I was the one reluctant to physical contact, so as a result he felt himself withdrawing! (this is exactly how I felt too, but towards him). He says he usually loves kissing, caressing, and he is a very sexual and passionate person. So we agreed to try to express ourselves better.

Weeks later, and things have gotten worse Sad. I have no idea why this is happening, I really like him and fancy him, I love doing things with him, and he says - and I believe he means it - the same things back to me. He is always wanting to see me and wanting to do things together. But when we are together... if feels awkward! Yesterday I brought the issue again and he agrees with everything I say... only he applies it to himself too. Both of us feel that the other person does not want touching or kissing, or intimacy, so we both withdraw and feel awkward! It's like our bodies speak completely different languages.

I have no idea how we got into this situation, and worst of all, I have no idea how to break this impasse.

Has this happened to any of you, and did it result in you breaking up, or are there any stories where things changed somehow? I would love nothing more than breaking this awkwardness and looking back from the future laughing and thinking "how on earth could we have been so awkward around each other??". However, the situation has got so uncomfortable that I am at a loss to how to fix it right now.

Please help!

OP posts:
EarthSight · 22/10/2021 22:49

I agree it's odd. It shouldn't really be like this at the beginning, should it?

I don't know OP.....it sounds to me like he is the problem and that you're responding to that.....but when you've mentioned it to him, he's turned the tables on you and made you feel like you are also the problem. Call me cynical, but it sounds like a useful way to keep someone puzzling, to make them try harder, to make them feel like there's an issue with them too, especially if this issue has been pointed out before to him by other women.

Don't keep puzzling. It's shit because you sound like a nice match otherwise but remember - just because someone says something, doesn't mean it's true and doesn't mean they actually feel that way. You've known him for less than 2 months.

Original poster
aurynne · 22/10/2021 22:53

Thanks for your insight @EarthSight, it does not feel that he is blaming me, this has never happened to him before either, and at no time I felt I was being blamed. He didn't respond in anger, he is sad and confused as I am, and when I suggested spending some days apart he was very upset, and said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to solve whichever problem there was. He does sound genuinely puzzled by what is happening as I am.

Obviously if this continues and there is no fix we'd have to break up, feeling like this is no good for either of us. However I would love to find a solution if there is one.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 22/10/2021 22:58

Hmmmm, I know what you mean because out of all my sexual partners my dh is actually the one I've been least intuitively in tune with for kissing. Luckily other physical things are fine. It's weird, some days we can kiss and it's all good and other days it's like you said, we are just taking other languages from each other.
To be honest we've never solved it! because it's 'only' kissing and we're well matched in so many other ways and sometimes the kissing does go well it hasn't been a deal breaker, we both acknowledge it and it's not taboo sometimes we just laugh. But I have no practical advice to fix it, really sorry.
I do believe you and him as the way you describe it I know exactly what you mean.

Original poster
aurynne · 22/10/2021 23:14

Glad to hear you made it work with your now DH, @TopCatsTopHat.

Our issue is not only with kissing, it's all kind of physical contact. We've had sex 3 times and the sex was good. But we both felt like "the other person doesn't really want to be there", and as a result we felt awkward.

Normally, after a month and a half of dating a new person, we'd be all over each other. Kisses, caresses, cuddling on the sofa for hours, having sex in all kinds of places. He says he's the same too, and there's no reason to believe he'd be lying.

I don't want to flog a dead horse. But I'd hate to break up something with an amazing person which could have been wonderful if get to the bottom of this issue and manage to solve it.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2021 23:19

brought the issue up in the beginning thinking "perhaps he is not a touchy person", however he told me he was feeling exactly the same way, he felt we didn't kiss or touch each other enough and that I was the one reluctant to physical contact, so as a result he felt himself withdrawing! (this is exactly how I felt too, but towards him). He says he usually loves kissing, caressing, and he is a very sexual and passionate person. So we agreed to try to express ourselves better

OP you've really answered your own question - you don't click sexually. It's a biological thing.

EarthSight · 22/10/2021 23:24

@aurynne

Thanks for your insight *@EarthSight*, it does not feel that he is blaming me, this has never happened to him before either, and at no time I felt I was being blamed. He didn't respond in anger, he is sad and confused as I am, and when I suggested spending some days apart he was very upset, and said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to solve whichever problem there was. He does sound genuinely puzzled by what is happening as I am.

Obviously if this continues and there is no fix we'd have to break up, feeling like this is no good for either of us. However I would love to find a solution if there is one.

I understand that you didn't feel like you were being blamed. I never suggested that he responded in anger - we're talking about very subtle manipulation tactics here designed to deflect or confuse. I'm saying that he may not be as genuinely puzzled as you think he is. It's a possibility at least.

If it's not that, then I'm not sure what to offer as advice. Doesn't seem like you are compatible in the way that important for couples to be.

Spidersinmyhair · 22/10/2021 23:31

Maybe you are actually related to each other and that's why it feels awkward? It's a long shot but have heard of that happening.

Silenceisgolden20 · 22/10/2021 23:53

You can fancy someone and not click sexually, it can happen. Maybe it's not there, no ones fault.

Mermaidwaves · 23/10/2021 00:04

You don't seem to have that elusive chemistry....that strange, sometimes dangerous pheromone driven thing. I've had sexual chemistry with the most unexpected of men and none with others who are my type and perfectly nice.

I think it's down to chemicals and sometimes it's just unfathomable. It's so sad if you're otherwise compatible though Sad

Original poster
aurynne · 23/10/2021 00:07

@Spidersinmyhair

Maybe you are actually related to each other and that's why it feels awkward? It's a long shot but have heard of that happening.
I'm a Spaniard living in NZ, he is a Brit living in NZ, we both emigrated here at very different times... I suppose it is possible but highly unlikely. i like your scientist mentality though Wink
OP posts:
DukeofEarlGrey · 23/10/2021 01:56

I haven’t experienced this personally but would say that if you fancy each other then you do have chemistry, you’re just not clicking somehow and it sounds like you’re both getting too hung up to move past it. Honestly, I think I’d plan a very boozy night in and hope to throw any inhibitions out the window. Beyond that I wouldn’t pursue it too long if it isn’t working, but it seems a shame to give up on it when all the raw ingredients seem to be there.

NiceGerbil · 23/10/2021 02:18

No one's fault in the end.

You are incompatible in this area. And like that at very start is not going to get better.

Sorry.

TopCatsTopHat · 23/10/2021 08:21

If the smell of him doesn't make you want to rip his clothes off, maybe like Mermaidwaves said it's a pheromone thing.
I think if it is going to get fixed at all it could only be through communication, lots of showing each other how much you want each other so you avoid the 'doesn't seem to be into it' feeling. Maybe if you can get past that it could fall into place.

AnotherVice · 23/10/2021 08:27

Could just be your ages this time maybe?

Savoretti · 23/10/2021 08:27

I’d suggest having a few too many drinks one night and both letting your guard down and inhibitions go

MsRedhook · 23/10/2021 08:29

This makes me think of the Sex and The City episode when Carrie and Berger find they don't have sexual chemistry. It might have to be a dealbreaker.

Silenceisgolden20 · 23/10/2021 08:54

@Savoretti

I’d suggest having a few too many drinks one night and both letting your guard down and inhibitions go
Oh gawd don't do this, you shouldn't have to be drunk to sleep with him. It's def a chemical thing, it's either there or it isn't
TheTrinity · 23/10/2021 16:16

Oh dear, it's no one's fault. You both want to make it work but I don't see how it can if you've both tried. I think you're more able to end things and please don't let his upset change that. No one wants to end a good thing but it simply does not work all the way round so to speak. Sorry.

Shuffleuplove · 23/10/2021 16:34

Chemistry. Undefinable. It’s either there or it isn’t. You can kid yourself, or zone out or fake it but eventually it all comes out.

Shuffleuplove · 23/10/2021 16:35

@AnotherVice what do you think happens to people’s sexuality in middle age??? I’m 50 and having the best sex ever!

Original poster
aurynne · 23/10/2021 21:39

Thank you all for your input. I'm going to have a chat with him today. I have had one idea to give it a last go, if it does not work I will end things. Last year was full of ups and downs and I was just starting to enjoy the single life, and I told myself that in order to have a relationship it would have to be the perfect guy and something easy and pleasurable. No hard work. This is definitely feeling like hard work.

So yes, I'll try to give it one go with this idea I've had (I'm meeting him in 20 min so no time to elaborate now, but will come back and let you guys know), but if he does not agree or if it does not work soon, I'll just move on and go back to enjoying the single life again. Life's too bloody short!

OP posts:
Shuffleuplove · 23/10/2021 23:29

Hope it goes well, one way or another x

mamakena · 24/10/2021 10:18

Listen to @EarthSight. It really sounds like he's mirroring you by claiming to have the same exact issue you have, and subtly gaslighting. May even be an unconscious defense mechanism... But it sounds like he's getting off on your struggles, bewilderment and growing desperation. look up cerebral narcissism (usually may be charming &warm but either asexual, secretly gay, withholding affection or have strange or degrading sexual turn-ons).

Don't bring it up again or initiate contact, just observe carefully. Maybe try withdrawing a bit to see his response. It may be you're projecting your feelings of love and compatibility onto him. Believe actions not words.

Love just isn't supposed to be this hard and stressful, especially in your 'honeymoon' phase

Original poster
aurynne · 24/10/2021 23:17

Bloody hell. It worked! GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
Shuffleuplove · 24/10/2021 23:36

You can’t just post that!!!! DETAILSGrin