Are my feeling valid? Or am I being sensitive.

[Crimbocandle77]

Hi everyone so I need some advice.
Ive been with my partner 2 years and over the past few months he has been a bit strange.
Tonight he made me upset that I cried here’s what happened.
So I was in sainsburys today and I saw a candle I quite liked the look of so I came home and lit it. He came home from work and saw the candle on the table lit. He started moaning with a raised voice quite angrily ‘ why have you lit that candle when we have other candles in the house! Why can’t you just use each candle at a time’ he was shouting at this point.
Then he started angrily ruffling my coat and shouted that ‘ why did I hang it up by the hood and not the hanger inside’
I started crying due to the shock of the shouting I think. Do you think I’m being over sensitive ? Please help . Thanks x x x

Update : he is being really cross thumping around house and talking moodily at me

Leave him now! He's abusive, controlling and a bully.

No. He's being a dick.

How often do you start shouting at him about random things that 1. Have nothing to do with him and/or 2. Aren't causing a problem in any way..?

What a dick he is.Are your finances linked? Whose name is the house in?

These things are simply supplyot 'doing somethibg wrong' in any way - and even if they were, shouting at you would be the bloody wrong way to go about changing anything.

He is being abusive. You deserve so much better than this.

• simply NOT

WTH. You’re free to light whatever damn candle you want and hang your coat however you desire.
As for all that thumping, the arse is having a tantrum to show you you’ve displeased him so you bow to his highness from now on.
Leave and live a happier life.

It doesn't matter what it's about.

Nice, normal, decent people don't shout at their partners over minor issues, thump around the house and sulk.

They just don't.

They apologise if they upset, scare or shock their partner.

They just do.

So he's not nice or decent.

And that should be the absolute minimum requirement for a partner.

Is there a back story?is he usually a shouty bully?

To be honest I think it’s both, he’s a vile bully and you’re over sensitive ..in the way that if my husband shouted at me, I’d shout back louder and tell him to fuck off fast. I’d not cry. But I’m not being abused. I don’t live with a shouty bully. So possibly I’d cry if I lived with it long enough it ground me down and I was on egg shells.

So what do you mean he’s been strange?

Update - he came back upstairs shouting really bad . Collected all my candles up and threw them in the bin. He shouted ‘ why am I lighting candles and not finishing them’ I explained that I wanted to try a different scent tonight and he shouted ‘ normal people don’t do this’ screaming ‘this is the beginning of everything’.

He’s making me feel like I’m in the wrong I started to laugh in disbelief at him and he has stormed out of house shouting ‘ he can’t deal with me I’m acting like a child’

Op can you go somewhere safe? Whose home is it?

Yeah, absolute knobend.

@Crimbocandle77

Update - he came back upstairs shouting really bad . Collected all my candles up and threw them in the bin. He shouted ‘ why am I lighting candles and not finishing them’ I explained that I wanted to try a different scent tonight and he shouted ‘ normal people don’t do this’ screaming ‘this is the beginning of everything’. He’s making me feel like I’m in the wrong I started to laugh in disbelief at him and he has stormed out of house shouting ‘ he can’t deal with me I’m acting like a child’

Ok so he is a full on abusive cunt.

You know that now. You cannot stay in a relationship with this man.

Is there anyone you can stay with? What's the housing situation, is it a shared place or yours or his?

I can't stress enough how much you are not overreacting. If anything you're under reacting by thinking his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

But deep down you know it's not because you've posted and that's brilliant

There's no such thing as over sensitive, and your feelings are always valid.

There are no rules about how sensitive we should be, so if you feel oversensitive in a relationship, you are too sensitive for that person's preference. And since you're the one who gets to decide who you are, nobody can tell you you're wrong.

Respect your feelings. Always. A decent partner will, too. It doesn't matter how silly the feeling seems, logically. Take a fear of spiders (in the UK) It's completely bonkers. We have no dangerous spiders here, and even the enormous ones are only half the length of your finger. But a respectful partner will respect your fear of them; take them quietly outside without bothering you. A crap partner will tell you you're being stupid and you can deal with them yourself, because they can't be bothered and spiders can't hurt you anyway, idiot.

Find a partner who accepts you and the way you think and feel. Someone who wants you to do things that make you happy, even if they seem a bit odd or don't particularly make sense. But most of all, you need to accept the way you think and feel. No more 'Am I being too sensitive? Is it me or is it him? Are my feelings valid?'

You feel what you feel because you are who you are. No questions, no challenges.

Hi thanks so much for the lovely reply it has made me feel a lot more confident in my feelings. I’m going to go and stay with my sister thank you x x x xx

He has returned and is ignoring me , I’ve told him I’m going to stay with my family and think things over about us .

he shouted ‘ normal people don’t do this’ screaming ‘this is the beginning of everything’.

This is actually worrying, do you have somewhere safe you can go right now? Mum, sister, best friend?

Xpost, thats good news.

You need to leave him before he starts taking that rage out on you physically. There is nothing normal about this. He's trying to beat you down and control you. Run for your life.

First post, I thought he was obviously acting out about something other than candles and was possibly not generally a complete CU next Tuesday. Your subsequent posts suggest he’s clearly unhinged and possibly dangerous. He doesn’t have any insight, does he? I’m glad you are going to stay with your sister. Go carefully.

@Crimbocandle77

He has returned and is ignoring me , I’ve told him I’m going to stay with my family and think things over about us .

Good for you. Hopefully your family will reassure you, like us, that this is really abusive behaviour and not to be tolerated. This is not a man you can even consider staying with. It will escalate - he's ramped it up so quickly that it feels inevitable the next step is physically hurting you. Bless you, well done for getting out so quickly tonight and confiding in your sister. I know we don't know you but we are all here for you too if you feel unsure over the next few days, Ro remind you that your gut instinct (that this is completely unacceptable) is totally right and you should listen to it

He sounds absolutely mental. Don't go back.
How dare he throw away your property! Next time he could be violent. This shit is not remotely normal. Stay away from the asshole. If you need to go back to collect your stuff then please take someone with you.

Do you live together, who owns the property. You need to leave him.

Go quickly, and don't stop for any more discussions, arguments, trying to explain. Just go if you haven't already.

Normal people don’t have meltdowns and start shouting at people because they lit a new candle.
He sounds like he has some major issues he needs to work on. Alone.
You’re not safe with him.