Are my feeling valid? Or am I being sensitive.

[Crimbocandle77]

Hi everyone so I need some advice.
Ive been with my partner 2 years and over the past few months he has been a bit strange.
Tonight he made me upset that I cried here’s what happened.
So I was in sainsburys today and I saw a candle I quite liked the look of so I came home and lit it. He came home from work and saw the candle on the table lit. He started moaning with a raised voice quite angrily ‘ why have you lit that candle when we have other candles in the house! Why can’t you just use each candle at a time’ he was shouting at this point.
Then he started angrily ruffling my coat and shouted that ‘ why did I hang it up by the hood and not the hanger inside’
I started crying due to the shock of the shouting I think. Do you think I’m being over sensitive ? Please help . Thanks x x x

Can't believe he's behaving like that. Definitely not normal to throw away or damage your property or rant at you over such non issues. Hope your sister is supportive. Presuming this behaviour is not a one off?

Wtf it's quite normal to light different scents, you become a bit nose blond if it's the same all the time, it's why people like tart warmers etc. How fucking dare he speak to you like that and throw your things in the bin. I hope you're safe and on your way to your sister's.

This is awful. I always have different candles on the go and hang my coat up by the hood. It's totally normal OP. He is utterly unhinged. Are you safe now?

He's a knobber. It's as simple as that.

when I read your thread title, my first thought was OF COURSE your feelings are valid.

You are allowed to feel anything. And you are allowed to say that they matter to you.

None of his behaviour is normal. I could excuse the first incident if he was very stressed about something, and he came and apologised afterwards and said he was out of order (I would only let this go once though, repeat behaviour and I'd be gone)
But he didn't do that did he? The incident of throwing all you candles away because he didn;t like you buying and lighting a new one? That is frankly scary, controlling and a real concern.

I am glad you are going to your sisters. Please don't go back to him.

I agree. He's being abusive and a bully. Leave and don't feel you have to rationalise anything to him - he could well try twist everything and make you feel bad and turn it against you. Don't let him and stick to your guns. It will only get worse if you don't as he will use these behaviours to manipulate you and wear down your self esteem and happiness over time. And then it will feel even harder. Well done for already for listening to your gut. If you can't leave immediately, work on a plan that can work in your terms x

OP, it's abuse behaviour, but what struck me more is that it's completely nonsensical and illogical behaviour. Is there any chance he's on drugs? And I mean that genuinely.

You've made the right choice, you're definitely not overreacting. Let us know when you're safe.

My ex became like this, funnily enough he wouldn’t let me light candles until he said so. Loads of other stuff too but I didn’t realise it was abuse until he got really angry one night and physically harmed me. Police called etc. This is just the tip of the iceberg OP. It will only get worse. Next he’ll apologise (though mine never did) and you’ll forgive him. Don’t. These men NEVER change.

He wants you to leave him. He's found another woman he wants to be with and is angry he is "stuck" with you. Your best bet is to collect your stuff and leave for good. This is verbal and emotional abuse, which always escalates to physical. Get out while you are still unbruised and in one piece. He sounds like a complete fool.

He shouted ‘ normal people don’t do this’

He has stormed out of house shouting ‘ he can’t deal with me I’m acting like a child’

If he'll kick off about these things - which are completely normal and minor and also really have nothing to do with him - and carry on so long complete with yelling and stomping and insults, I'd be worried about what he'd do if I actually did something a reasonable person would find upsetting, or if anything went wrong that he had to deal with. I'd stay far away from him if I were you.

First Post: possibly a bit sensitive with the crying
Second post: Nope I was wrong. He's being odd.

Hi everyone thank you all so much for the lovely support , I don’t like to burden my family with my troubles so you have all been a great help to me and I realise this morning with a clear head my feelings ARE valid. He has called this morning apologising, stating that it ‘ wasn’t the candles it’s the principle of them’ and that ‘ today it’s candles tomorrow it’ll be other items taking up space everywhere’. I didn’t say much back to him.

I’ve decided that it is over for us. I haven’t told him this yet but how he’s made me feel over the past few weeks and yesterday it’s like a switch has flicked and our connection feels strained. The house is ours we rent but the tenancy is coming to an end soon so it’s great timing.

I stayed at my sisters last night we had a nice catch up and I spent time with her and my beautiful niece. Thank you ladies for all your support

Well he’s right about one thing this would be the beginning of everything. Today’s it screaming about candles tomorrow it’ll be open season to scream at you about anything. He’s basically told you outright you can expect to feel his wrath about anything he deems “wasteful”.

SO happy that you're able to get away from him.

His behaviour was far from normal. Your behaviour was aboslutely normal. And even if you'd done something abnormal / 'wrong' shouting and being abusive would not be an acceptable response.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. You've had a sense something is wrong, and now he's proved it. He won't get better from here, he'll only get worse.

So pleased you have your family to turn to. Onwards and upwards from here!

Great news op, you should be really proud that you've become someone who has faith in herself and knows when she is worth more.

Totally agree with pp that said he totally just told you the 'tomorrow' he will find something else seemingly insignificant to scream at you for. Isn't it great when they tell you exactly who they are in a way that you can see it!

Start looking for a roommate/flats here somewhere/cheaper place now if you need it. You don't want to end up signing another lease with him due to perceived necessity. If he knows you'll be worse off financially (or that you fear this) without him then you can guarantee he will try to capitalise on that. Take good, practical steps.

*flatshare somewhere

So pleased you got to your sister's, you are absolutely making the right decision. He's basically announced that the candles were just the beginning.

He sounds controlling and abusive. Does he hate you spending money? I’m glad you’re dumping his weirdness!