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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When did you know it was all over and time to leave?

34 replies

Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 18:41

I've posted a couple of times about my husband's emotional abuse.

I am in the process of working out a separation that won't leave me financially disadvantaged.

The moment I knew I had to end the marriage was when he made me leave the house (after a row about him constantly undermining me) and made me stay in a hotel.

It's been such a terrible time and my heart goes out to any of you who have watched your relationship end.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 22/10/2021 18:44

When I realised I hadn't met a single member of his family after 4 years.

Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 19:32

@Bananalanacake bloody hell, that is shocking!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 19:35

An ex of mine - when I found out that the bed we had sex was his mum's. She was away at the time!

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 22/10/2021 19:41

I stopped wearing my wedding band as I couldn’t bear having it on my finger (but kept the engagement ring, it wasn’t I was looking for a replacement man, I didn’t want ANY in my life) A friend told me off, and said Good grief Cat, how would you feel if he ended up having an affair???

The first thought that came to my mind was “brilliant, at least he would stop pestering me and leave me alone for a while!”

I knew we were done then and there so stopped trying to save the marriage and started preparing for my exit.

CinstonWhurchill · 22/10/2021 19:44

"The moment I knew I had to end the marriage was when he made me leave the house (after a row about him constantly undermining me) and made me stay in a hotel".

How the actual fook did he have the power to make you leave the home? How did he "make" you stay in a hotel??

B1rdflyinghigh · 22/10/2021 19:57

When I was driving home from work and cried all the way home, because I didnt want to go home.

Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:00

@CinstonWhurchill

Well, he didn't physically force me, but his anger was very frightening and I was on autopilot.

I packed a bag and followed his orders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:01

@B1rdflyinghigh that's awful Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:02

@GrandmasCat

How horrible for you.

I can relate to all of that Thanks

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/10/2021 20:12

When he looked me dead in the eye at 11am and told me he had absolutely not had a glass of wine and I was being ridiculous and just looking for a fight

This was after I'd already given him another chance after finding him sackless drunk in the morning with our 11mo

He absolutely HAD had a glass of wine

Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:19

@fedup078

I completely understand.

I hope things are better for you now.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/10/2021 20:21

@Tinkerscuss much better
But I didn't leave I made him leave

CinstonWhurchill · 22/10/2021 20:24

"I packed a bag and followed his orders".

Why are you following orders? Sorry, i do not understand why you as an adult are following orders ?

DollyDan · 22/10/2021 20:27

When he blanked my DD completely after stropping off to the garden because she hadn’t eaten the pie he bought for dinner (she only liked one type and it was the wrong one which he knew) she went out to speak to him and and didn’t even look at her just ignored her, she came in crying and any feelings I once had just died then (luckily weren’t married and he did far far worse things but that was the end) awful break up, had to get a non mol, lost my house but no regrets whatsoever

NewlySingle2021 · 22/10/2021 20:29

@CinstonWhurchill because sometimes you go into autopilot as the OP already said, as a way of self protection. Either to preserve your emotional safety or physical. Then afterwards you go 'wtf just happened?' But in the moment you don't always think objectively after years of abuse.

When my ex said he didn't love me anymore (a common emotional blackmail thing he often said if I dared stand up for myself) but we should still go on a family holiday (e.g I look after the kids and he relax) and then he'd 'review' me afterwards. He's done that many times but that was one time too many. Who the fuck was he to review me?! He's the useless sack of shit who treated me like shit for years. So I reviewed him instead and told him we were done.

Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:38

@CinstonWhurchill

It was much more dreadful than I can possibly convey,

I have asked myself the same question and yet, I don't think I am to blame.

I was in shock. I was frightened of the consequences if I refused to comply.

He was very threatening. Oh, and I know that he has at least one blanks gun and several air pistols.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerscuss · 22/10/2021 20:39

@DollyDan @NewlySingle2021

I can totally relate Thanks

OP posts:
nevisbump · 22/10/2021 20:39

When he moaned about dropping me at the hospital to go with my mum to see my aunt who was in a coma following a stroke..... Then the same day when I told him it was just a matter of time for my aunt to pass he moaned that he needed to get his own dinner

Xztop · 22/10/2021 20:42

When he didnt turn up at the hospital the morning after his daughter was born because he was 'tired'

CinstonWhurchill · 22/10/2021 20:44

"@NewlySingle2021 because sometimes you go into autopilot as the OP already said, as a way of self protection. Either to preserve your emotional safety or physical. Then afterwards you go 'wtf just happened?'

So just leave and build a new life. Why tolerate this shite? Why put up with this crap? Build a new life. No need to put up with this crap. Just leave.

NewlySingle2021 · 22/10/2021 20:49

@CinstonWhurchill why are you commenting so aggressively about this? The OP is in the process of doing as you so politely suggest, and I have recently done so, as my username suggests.

Emotional/physical abuse isn't as clear cut as 'X happens so I will leave immediately'. It creeps up on you insidiously so you are in a constant state of tension, fear and just hanging on to sanity or survival. And sometimes you are in shock. Sometimes you are numb. Sometimes you are on autopilot. Sometimes you aren't even aware you are being abused until it's too late. Why are you making people justify themselves to you? The OP has shared an experience and is asking for other experiences, she's not asking for statements about what to do or not do.

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 22/10/2021 20:51

There were years of financial and emotional abuse and the physical was in the very early days. I found out he'd told his family that 'we' would be coming into some money soon (my father was dying) and how HE would be spending it. I vowed that he'd never see a penny of my inheritance. I left him 6 weeks later and my father passed away 2 days after the divorce and clean break order was finalised.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2021 20:54

When he went away for a week to fuck someone else and I had the calmest, happiest week I'd had in years.

@CinstonWhurchill OP has already stayed she IS leaving. Your posts are very adversarial and really not helpful to victims of emotional abuse, who already blame themselves for the abuse, because that's what the abuser has spent years telling them. It's what stops them reaching out for help - because so many people don't understand how frightened and beaten down a victim becomes. And we hear far too much "just kick him in the balls lol" 🙄

CinstonWhurchill · 22/10/2021 20:56

This reply has been deleted

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Humbugslife · 22/10/2021 21:20

When after years of psychological abuse and living in fear he'd smashed up the bahies nursery room when i was in work and he was waching our son. He then tried to insist i had done it to get him in trouble and thatbi was over reacting. Months later he finally admitted it and still insists it was my fault. That one event opened my eyes to the years of bullsh*t i had endured