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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this OK with on line dating ? Doesn't seem so to me.

30 replies

ExConstance · 22/10/2021 14:52

DH and I have friends through a mutual sporting interest. We are aware that one of them, who is a mature (in years) retired professional has just divorced after a long and very unhappy marriage. All divorce matters were settled amicably and they are both much better off without each other. I'll call him James. He joined a dating site for the over 50's and has recently been talking about his experiences to the group. He says he knocked 3 years off his age as otherwise it would put people off. He has met two potential partners, who contacted him at much the same time. The first lives closest, he says he does not find her the most attractive but he has begun staying over with her and intimates this is a sexual relationship. The second one he finds very attractive and they get on like a house on fire, he is driving quite a distance to see her during the week, but this is not yet a physical relationship (he makes a point of saying he goes home when he sees her) He has invited her on holiday with him later in the year and she has suggested he joins her for a long weekend.
I'm in no way concerned about judging him as an individual, he is a pleasant person, good company and i'd always seen him as the "perfect gentleman" type, so i just fee a little surprised he thinks this is OK and I wonder if it is me that is out of kilter with modern ideas.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/10/2021 15:01

Lying about his age = not clever and he’ll find himself having to explain himself out of it at some point but 3 years isn’t an enormous deal in the grand scheme of things. I know many people do it online because of search criteria.

Multi-dating is the norm in the early stages of dating for many people, particularly when you meet online. It’s a not putting all your eggs into one basket technique. In all likelihood, these women are also seeing other people. As long as he isn’t lying to them and telling each she’s the only one he’s seeing then you just assume there’s been no “exclusivity” conversation yet. If he is lying to them then he’s not a good man.

ravenmum · 22/10/2021 15:09

Exactly; many people are 61 but say they are 59 so they still get shown to people who want someone up to age 60. I'd also judge that as embarrassing when it comes out, if things get that far. (The two of them might not even intend for it to last?)
Agree that dating two or three at once is common - I did it myself, though only in the first couple of dates. In the early days, without any hints of exclusivity I'd assume they might also be sleeping with someone else, but personally wouldn't find it very appetising.

samesign · 22/10/2021 15:26

I feel sorry for the ladies he's dating, if he lies about his age then he probably lies to each woman he isn't dating anyone else, seems anything but the perfect gentleman yuk.
I had recently done online dating, not everyone behaves like that but the ones that BS you find out soon enough.

Pinkbonbon · 22/10/2021 15:27

Supposed to be exclusive after you start sleeping with one person. So be is being pretty horrible imo. Unless he has told her he is dating other ppl and no intention of stopping.

But the way he talks about not finding her the most attractive. What a creep. How can you stand to be in the same room as him? He is anything but a gentleman. He is fowl. Don't lie with pigs, you'll get dirty

user1493494961 · 22/10/2021 15:30

'He is fowl', I suppose he's no spring chicken.

Pinkbonbon · 22/10/2021 15:30

I mean think of it this way op, how would you feel if you were sleeping with someone and they were telling all their friends that you were unattractive?

Why would you consider someone that does that to people a friend? Raise your standards for friends.

cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 16:09

I'd find it pretty appalling if someone was sleeping with a woman and also lining up a potential relationship with someone else at the same time.

Add in the fact he has openly told his friends the one he is sleeping with isn't as attractive as the other one and he prefers the other one.

Imagine being that woman and finding that out. I really feel for her. That could be pretty devastating especially if he is giving her the impression they have started a relationship. It may not even occur to her that he is actively pursuing someone else. He is basically using her for sex until he can get in the knickers of the other one. I wonder too if the other woman knows he is currently actively and regularly shagging someone else.

He is a creep. I couldn't stay friends with someone like that. All respect for him would be gone.

Original poster

ExConstance · 22/10/2021 18:19

He is saying he is 71 and not 74 so clearly doesn’t understand the search criteria point. I think it is poor form to sleep with one of them , especially the one who is second choice without telling her he is not ready to be exclusive. She is 67 and has been single for a while, so the relationship must be important to her. Hopefully he will come to his senses soon.

OP posts:

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 22/10/2021 20:28

@user1493494961

'He is fowl', I suppose he's no spring chicken.

Pinkbonbon · 22/10/2021 20:33

@ExConstance

Why would you think that? He is not senseless, he is just bad.

There are things that decent human beings do not do.

It's you that needs to come to your senses about that. And about the sort of person he is.

5128gap · 22/10/2021 20:49

Lying about his age isn't too terrible, I mean 71, 74, it would hardly matter in the scheme of things and I can see why he thought 74 might be more off putting. Seeing two women, also fine as long as everyone knows what's going on. Discussing their attractiveness and telling you he prefers the one he isn't sleeping with is indiscreet and immature, and I would not be participating in those conversations with him.

PermanentTemporary · 22/10/2021 20:55

It's interesting that he tells you all this. He sounds overexcited and amazed to be enjoying the sweetshop, and it is probably also exciting for him to talk about it. Let him know you don't find it edifying to hear about it.

After being widowed I had zero morals for a bit and felt I owed nobody anything. I hope he's not lying to these women; maybe they are sowing oats as well.

Hont1986 · 22/10/2021 23:52

I don't think knocking down 74 to 71 is a big deal, really. An embarrassing fib when it comes out but wouldn't offend me or anything.

The exclusivity is a personal choice, some people are comfortable having non-exclusive sexual relationships, others aren't. It's nothing new, although perhaps it's more explicitly acknowledged these days. Really none of your business since you don't know the thoughts of the women involved.

SarahDippity · 23/10/2021 00:13

As on online dater myself, I’d say he is keeping all his options open. It’s not pleasant or honest. Online dating is a very blurry experience. I approach it with a high degree of scepticism. I’m surprised he is telling you as much info as he has. When you’re not OLDing yourself, can I let you know that it’s not unfortunately black and white; people do fib and do play the field a bit. It’s pretty hard to meet new people these days.

wobblywinelover · 23/10/2021 04:37

You sound really naive OP this guy sounds like a total slimeball to be friends with. Really creepy. Quite sad that even the older blokes on OLD still lie about their age, I mean whats the point! What is wrong with these people! Why are women thinking this sort of shoddy male behaviour is ok? SMH

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 23/10/2021 04:52

It's stupid for him to say he's 71 when he is 74. Totally pointless lie that will be really embarrassing if he actually ends up getting serious with someone.

Suprima · 23/10/2021 05:37

He sounds grim- how he is taking about these women are disgusting

People will say ‘you go girl!’ and ‘women have needs too!’ with regards to shagging online dates ‘when you feel the time is right’- but this is exactly why you don’t sleep with men you are hoping to have a relationship with, without exclusivity.

As seen with your slimy friend- he could be shagging other people and telling his friends you are unattractive Why would you risk someone like this even having access to your body?

OhamIreally · 23/10/2021 06:01

I think his age is a factor here. For someone in their 30's being non-exclusive and sleeping with multiple partners may be culturally acceptable but for a man in his 70's it most certainly won't be.

Ask him if he would be fine about it if either of his lady friends were sleeping with other men as they are clearly non-exclusive. (Or actually just tell him they probably are and watch his face as you say it).

JustAnother0ldMan · 23/10/2021 07:42

Knocking a few years of his age in 70s seems pretty pointless thing to do TBH.
Multi dating is pretty common, I’m in my 50s and some of women I dated were late 40s early 50’s and did admit to ‘seeing’ other men, don’t think it sleeping with them.
As a PP say, multiple sexual partners seems to more common in younger people. ( under 30)
If he is currently only having sex with one person, I’d say he’s not really doing anything wrong atm other than being rather indiscrete, especially if the 2 ladies contacted him, as they also be multiple dating.

Polmuggle · 23/10/2021 08:24

Supposed to be exclusive after you start sleeping with one person

Says who?

AnotherOldGeezer · 23/10/2021 09:19

He is using the first woman fir sex. Very unkind. Ask him if she knows, and if she doesn’t ask him if that’s fair

But everyone (self included) does unkind things. I would have no friends if I cut contact with everyone who does stuff I disapprove of

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2021 09:37

I don't think lying about your age by 3 years is a biggie. Probably just makes him feel slightly more confident and it would be easy to come clean later with someone whom he forms a proper relationship with. As someone older than I'd like to be (!), it's understandable. It's not like a 15 year old claiming to be 18, there's no significance really at an older age.

I also think in the early stages of dating after a long relationship, where you are trying to work out what you want, it's fine to see more than one person. It's not for others to judge. If the first woman is happy to have sex with him, how do you know it's not on a casual basis? Or what he has said to her re exclusivity or otherwise? It's up to her to make the judgement. If it's ok for 20 and 30 year olds, why not for older people?

I think everyone here is being ageist. Obviously if he kept up the two relationships long term and was lying to them, that's not good but it doesn't sound like it's there yet. The only error he has made is confiding in OP and her husband, who is now broadcasting it on mumsnet.

burnoutbabe · 23/10/2021 09:43

Surely the 67 year old woman can stand up for herself and if she wants sex with him she can just have it without us thinking "oh poor deceived betty"

I mean online dating one knows everyone is dating more than one person and if you want exclusivity you speak up and request it.

Though aren't stds highest in the post 50/60 crowd?

Notmoresugar · 23/10/2021 10:37

I can see where you're coming from @ExConstance

As you know, in the 'old' days if you went out with someone it was pretty much one on one from day one.

If it didn't work out, one of you ended it and then you would go off to meet someone else.

If the guy (for instance) was also seeing another girl(s), that would have been deemed as cheating in those days and he would have been a bad'en and chucked.

But times have changed and like others have said she 'might' know exactly what the score is and what she wants out of it. Who knows.

In my personal opinion, if he's not being straight with her, he's not quite as nice as one may think.

Of course whose to say she's not doing exactly the same the other way round!

Otterhound · 23/10/2021 10:57

Lying about your age on old is a national past time.
I saw so many profiles and thought to myself, well if you really are 49 you’ve had a bloody hard life.

Also multi dating/shagging is pretty rife too. Maybe less common in his age group. I dont think his behaviour is particularly poor.

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