Should I ask best friend to stop talking about work issues?

[Gonnagetgoing]

I've got a best friend whom I've known all my life but we've been best friends for 15 years now.

in her work life she has had issues with various people (bullying, people accusing her of having an affair) with men and women involved and to be quite honest I'm not sure if she's riled people up sometimes but I've always had her back.

Her current workplace is very toxic and she's worked there a long time but been unhappy and wanted/tried to leave with interviews etc but failed. She had a serious health problem a few years ago (not saying what, in case outing) but it seems whenever I meet her the conversation always swings round to her work issues, she sometimes but not often asks not to talk about work but regardless the conversation from her side always seems to swing about talking about work. I'm opposite in character to her, I leave a toxic environment or I try to resolve issues and if she asks re my work, I bring up work issues but generally I sort these out myself or work through them, not talk to others about them. With her it seems like Groundhog Day though, her work issues are played out over and over again and they take over her life. It's exhausting for me to listen to and due to her health condition I get worried for her.

So next time I see her, should I have a word with her and say I'd prefer to stop talking about work issues when we meet up? She does have another close friend she can vent to re work apart from me. She would never go to therapy/counselling for help as she's a person who always thinks she's right and very rarely admits she might be in the wrong.

Yes I think you should. How old are you? I found that when we hit late 30s all my friends stopped talking about work and resolved issues themselves or stopped caring quite so deeply about work related issues as other areas of life became more pressing (kids).

But a few carried on and mostly it was people who really struggled with learning and growing and couldn't see their own part in all the drama.

So I think if she's one of those you have to draw a boundary. Also it will help her not to obsess surely?

@snoopychops - I just turned 50 recently.

Thank you for your input. We both don't have kids and she also lives with her DM (part carer for her) but it is so tiring hearing her going on about work and she does enjoy fun stuff (not related to work) too!

I just can't take it anymore not seeing her progressing or getting out of her work if it makes her this unhappy. Or, as I might do, getting therapy if it really upsets her. Yes, she does seem to obsess over work and it's worrying.

I have friends like that too. It is frustrating and draining and I do think enabling it is unhelpful.

@snoopyfloops - I've been kind to her and listened and helped her especially after her illness (she had a stroke).

The thing is - she almost always drags the conversation round to this - she also does a weekly therapy session with someone who she shares these problems with.

The thing is - she never listens, or almost never does. I think, as I said, now is the time for me to actually say to her, it's not helpful for me to enable her talking about this and that it is frustrating and draining for me too.

I've tried asking her couple of times recently and once a long time ago in the past for her to stop, but she almost never does. I need to be firm with her!

Argh i thought I was your friend until the update, work is so stressful it's always on my mind to some extent. Just thinking outside the box, do you think you don't have the capacity to offer the level of support she needs right now, irrespective of the actual problem? Or is it just annoying that she never gets over it and completely ignores all advice/obvious ways to improve things for herself. It sounds like it's the latter.

If you've tried telling her then you might need to do a more dramatic 'Stop! We're talking about work again, I don't think I can take any more! Shall we change the subject?'.

@Alicesays

Argh i thought I was your friend until the update, work is so stressful it's always on my mind to some extent. Just thinking outside the box, do you think you don't have the capacity to offer the level of support she needs right now, irrespective of the actual problem? Or is it just annoying that she never gets over it and completely ignores all advice/obvious ways to improve things for herself. It sounds like it's the latter.

If you've tried telling her then you might need to do a more dramatic 'Stop! We're talking about work again, I don't think I can take any more! Shall we change the subject?'.

@Alicesays - it is honestly just really annoying that she never gets over it and almost completely ignores all advice/obvious things to improve things for herself!

I've done a text to her and I'll follow it through in person. Honestly, she needs to get a life outside of work as she does obsess over it.

It doesn't help that I'm quite resilient, will leave jobs, resolve situations etc fairly easily whereas my friend is the polar opposite of this - it's almost as if she enjoys the drama - but I definitely don't!

I don't blame you @Gonnagetgoing

It's utterly draining and I think you're right to put some very strong boundaries in place.

I have been through the same with a couple of friends and it was only when I realized how much time (hundreds of hours) they used me to talk 'at' that I had to put a stop to it for my own well-being.

Not kidding, eventually out of sheer boredom I used to count up how many times the same sentence had been repeated over and over again.

I think I was that friend for years.

I was stuck in a bad job for many years. It really was awful. It seems like the obvious thing is to leave a job like this, but honestly I couldn't for various reasons which were partly to do with my circumstances and partly to do with the situation having eroded my confidence. Some friends 'helpfully' kept giving me bossy advice. I really didn't want the advice, I just wanted a sympathetic ear until I was ready to get away from it. I had a couple of friends who really thought that if I did what they told me to do everything would be ok, and they got annoyed that I didn't. I also had a very blunt friend who said I was no fun to be with because all I did was talk about work.

I have now got a new job and am feeling much happier and rarely need to moan about work. My feeling about the friends who were unsupportive while I struggled is that they were simpy not good friends at all. Being briskly nasty is not at all helpful. Everybody has difficult phases in their lives which are not always their fault. Good friends stick with them.

Also, don't ever be so smug about being 'resilient'. perhaps you have never been in a situation that has really tested your limits.

I’ve said to a friend that I’m finding it really hard to keep listening to them talk about the same issue when there are solutions that they aren’t accessing. It did feel like the friend enjoyed the drama of it to a certain extent. They would still reference the issue saying they were still stressed about it but would move on from it more easily especially as I then didn’t get into the conversation and would say well you know my view and if you decided to do something about it I’ll help you

I agree with you OP, these things can become wearing over the years. Do you find the conversation is always about her, and she very rarely asks you about your own life?

Please do say something to her.

Ive definitely been that friend and sometimes you just get so caught up in it it's hard to remember that it's not normal.

I also agree with PP about not seeing one's own part in the drama.

You never know, your 'come to jesus' chat might help her to realise that this work situation cannot continue.

...."Everybody has difficult phases in their lives which are not always their fault. Good friends stick with them."

@CommonRoom
How many hundreds/thousands of hours would you expect a friend to listen to your work problems? One can still be a good friend, but distance themselves a bit if they have to for their own sanity.

..."Also, don't ever be so smug about being 'resilient'. perhaps you have never been in a situation that has really tested your limits."

@CommonRoom
People rarely get to their 50's without being in situations that test their limits.
Most people have to learn how to swim and sadly some never do.

Oh yes, it's a dog eat dog world isn't it. Sink or swim. If someone isn't cutting the mustard then just tell them to bloody well get on with it and cut them loose.

@CommonRoom
I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Nobody has mentioned brutally cutting friends loose as you say, whatsoever.

The whole point is, when their problems/obsessions start to affect ones own well-being/mental health, having healthy boundaries in place is crucial not only for oneself but for the survival of the friendship.

I haven't got the wrong end of the stick.

Most people have to learn how to swim and sadly some never do

I think this attitude is horrible.

It's really not true that everyone has big problems and they just have to get over them. Some people have much more to contend with than others. On top of that, yes, some people find it harder to bounce back because they may have less support, or other issues to deal with. Also, some people are depressed! Remember 'be kind?' or is that yesterday's slogan? Is it time to move on and go back to 'pull yourself together woman' ?

@CommonRoom
With respect you are missing the whole point of the thread.

It's got nothing to do with not being kind to friends and not supporting friends etc etc., because it goes a whole lot deeper than that.

My question to you is:

Would you expect your friends to listen to your same problems repeated over and over again over years and years with no let up on your part?

Would it occur to you that your problems could be affecting your friends well-being/mental health because of the pressure it puts on them?

I think people get stick in conversation hamster wheels and unconsciously vent on specific topics to particular friends. I’ve a ranty friend whom I let go off on one but lately I’ve stopped her after five minutes and said ‘save some for our next coffee! How’s your brother’s baby?’ or ‘today’s a work-free zone. What are you reading/watching these days?’ Take control of the conversation.

I think saying 'work is now off limits in a conversation with me' isn't the right way.

I think a good friend would just be honest instead. Basically pointing out that consistency moaning about it isn't helping her and asking outright 'you keep moaning about this but aren't doing anything to change the situation. You ignore advice and I am not sure how to respond anymore. I am worried that the constant talking about this is actually making you worse and not helping you. I can help you make a plan to get out of the situation but I don't think just talking about is helpful to you and its draining me'.

@Notsurewheretogo

I think saying 'work is now off limits in a conversation with me' isn't the right way.

I think a good friend would just be honest instead. Basically pointing out that consistency moaning about it isn't helping her and asking outright 'you keep moaning about this but aren't doing anything to change the situation. You ignore advice and I am not sure how to respond anymore. I am worried that the constant talking about this is actually making you worse and not helping you. I can help you make a plan to get out of the situation but I don't think just talking about is helpful to you and its draining me'.

Have read all the comments and have tried what you’ve said.

She has never left her job (but got another role in organisation).

I’ve tried saying to her the moaning doesn’t help etc and she listens for a while but then it’s back on the same old track. It was the same before she got ill before.

I don’t think people here realise just how draining it is listening to mostly work problems on a weekly basis and the conversation almost inevitably gets brought around to this! In fact whole evenings out have sometimes been devoted to her work!

The problems are ones that upset her, cause her sleepless nights etc but they’re rarely solved. It also doesn’t help that she will suggest therapy etc for me with my issues (which I’ve had once).

She’s quite an intense and moody person and I texted her last night and got a frosty response - possibly as she feels I’m being unsupportive - which isn’t the case and I’ve texted her to tell her I still support and care for her.

My part worry here is she’s very overweight (obese) and the amount of stress she’s under, which is due to work, she’s headed for another stroke too. She’s already had a health issue related to this about a year ago.

@SarahDippity - yes have tried all this and it works to a degree. What’s worrying about my friend is that generally besides her exercise/therapy session and family etc is the fact that she doesn’t have much of a life outside of work so there’s not a huge amount I can ask her about as work takes over her life!

@Youngatheart00

I agree with you OP, these things can become wearing over the years. Do you find the conversation is always about her, and she very rarely asks you about your own life?

She does ask me about my own life, which is nice but often in the background is her work. So if we meet up I can tell by her mood that work has been bad because of X person there. If I then ask like one does “how’s work?” Then the floodgates open and she’s off on one re work!

I think this is a tough one. I have a friend who was angry about work for several years. I was just about to say something when she finally resolved the issue. I'm glad I didn't say anything and that she felt supported during a very difficult time.

I had another friend who I used to specifically meet up with to discuss work. She spoke about other things to, but to me that was social chit chat. When she retired I realised all I was interested in was the work and that the friendship didn't have legs in the absence of that.

@CommonRoom

Also, don't ever be so smug about being 'resilient'. perhaps you have never been in a situation that has really tested your limits.

In a nice way as I possibly can, oh do F off dear!

You know little or nothing about my life or work life and in fact a few work issues have made me resilient. My friend herself has had to be resilient re dealing with bullying etc having a stroke and then having to return to her work so I wasn’t criticising her for not being resilient in that sense as she has been. I was pointing out I’ve had to be resilient and go back to work/job market as I need to earn money and have a purpose to my day.

@dudsville

I think this is a tough one. I have a friend who was angry about work for several years. I was just about to say something when she finally resolved the issue. I'm glad I didn't say anything and that she felt supported during a very difficult time.

I had another friend who I used to specifically meet up with to discuss work. She spoke about other things to, but to me that was social chit chat. When she retired I realised all I was interested in was the work and that the friendship didn't have legs in the absence of that.

But the thing is, it’s been 15 years and 2 jobs (not saying which industry as very outing). Moreorless same issues but different areas of country. She has a very moralistic view of people (work colleagues) even her mother says this. She’s very clever, creative etc in different ways to me but I can see how she might get people’s backs up.

And sorry to say but it’s exhausting listening to her work issues on a never ending loop! I feel like a therapist often and I’m not one!

So maybe it's a part of her personality then, not so much a reaction to current circumstances? Yes, that would be much harder to navigate!