Who are you wary of but have to maintain a relationship with?

[Chocolatebrownieplease]

I feel like I'm surrounded by people I don't trust, because I've been bitten by them before. I'm particularly wary of my SIL who condescended me on their family group chat for years before eventually, I discovered that she was also the writer of the anonymous critical comments that appeared on my blog. She doesn't know I know it was her.

I'm wary of my inlaws who allowed the condescending to go on under their noses, saying nothing. I'm very wary of my MIL who will win me over with niceties before striking me with a personal blow where she gets me talking and then catches me out. Usually about my parenting.

I'm wary of DH, who I think secretly hates me.

I'm wary of my FIL who I discovered has a secret bank account with DH where he gives him money solely for him.

I'm wary of my brother who is a narcissistic, selfish person who will cut me off at any silly disagreement but I get on with on the surface because our kids get along.

I'm wary of my Mum who takes advantage of my time and hospitality and lies and breaks arrangements when something better comes along.

I'm wary of many of the mums at my kids' school who often talk about each other.

Do other people have to be this wary? It seems to suck all the joy out of life.

I struggle to trust anyone after a family member made a malicious phone call about me to social services, I’m not in contact with them anymore but it has made me realise you can’t trust anyone even your own family.

Why do you have to maintain a relationship with any of them ?

I think most people have others like this in their lives. I certainly do. But many seem to be able to shrug it off and think “Losers”. Others take it much more to heart. The trick I think is to mentally detach and not give a crap about anyone’s opinion. I don’t know how to do this myself though!

If you're wary of every single person around you I'd consider whether there's some paranoia here.

If you don't trust your husband or any of his family, are you sure remaining married is the best thing for you?

Making sure you are financially independent is a very good start, if at all possible.

If you were raised in a family containing narcs, it's very common to end up marrying into another one. Because it feels familiar.

I don't keep anyone in my life I feel I have to be wary of. I had years of putting up with crap. Not doing it anymore.

I don’t have anybody in my life who I need to be wary of. I love and like everyone in it and they me. I’ve no idea whether that’s luck, because I have good boundaries and so don’t entertain people who aren’t a positive in my life, because I make good choices about who I associate in the first place, because I’m not interested in drama so it doesn’t seek me out, or a combination of all of those things and more.

I think the central point in your post is that you’re wary of and don’t like your own husband. And look, I know life is never as simple as “just divorce” but your own husband, along with his entire family, brings misery to your life, so thinking seriously about how you progress towards ending your marriage surely has to be a priority?

And mums at the school gates? Honestly, it’s not even worth the space in your head to think about them for beyond the approximately 90 seconds a day it takes to give them a cheery wave and smile as you pass. If you’re hanging around to hear them bitch about each other, you’re getting far too involved and are essentially part of the drama.

I'm not wary of any one in my family as you are OP. The only person I'm not keen on is my SIL's. 3rd husband but they live in New York so it is not an issue.

There's a couple of members on the team at work that although I like them on the surface I would be very wary of telling them anything deeper than general chit chat.

Sorry, I didn’t see that you think your DH hates you. This will colour everything else surely? Do you always feel this way or is it a recent thing?

Feeling like you live amongst snakes can be hard. Well done for recognising toxic behaviour, it sounds like you were conditioned to accept poor behaviour from your childhood and now the scales have fallen from your eyes. This in itself can be a liberating moment, you just need to work out what you are prepared to except in your life and what you are not. Good luck❤️

@girlmom21

If you're wary of every single person around you I'd consider whether there's some paranoia here.

If you don't trust your husband or any of his family, are you sure remaining married is the best thing for you?

This

Yes - not being able to trust the most basic and important people in your life must make it doubly difficult to deal with all the other random snakes. Everyone becomes unsafe.

Nobody. I don't entertain relationships with people who set off my defence system and am much happier since I filtered them out. I suggest you do the same. It's basic life design. The more time you spend with people who make you feel unsafe, the more time you spend feeling unsafe. It's up to you to change it if you don't like it.

Nobody is obliged to keep anybody in their life. That's a self-created prison. It's something you're doing to yourself.

Mil fil

Fil I have nothing to do with anyway after a fall out we had years ago where I called him out on his constant toxic behaviour towards dh so he's always kept a distance from me after that which suits me fine.
Mainly because I actually stood upto him and he knows I won't put up with it.

Dh has recently stood up to him after years and years of toxic shit and so we've not had to see him at all. Bliss

Mil is fine in small
Doses but has a tendency to enable fil behaviour and he had short shrift from dh a few times recently to cut it out.

Now lc for him Aswell as me and it's refreshing not to deal with the constant criticism and negativity.

On my side I've distanced myself from my dm not for toxic behaviour but more for her constant neediness and woe is me as well as my sister who is attached to my dm.
Over the years it's caused untold misery at times but only to me as they are oblivious.

It feels good not to be constantly relied on for practical and emotional help all the time.

@Coronawireless

Making sure you are financially independent is a very good start, if at all possible.

This ^

Only my boss.

I think you should probably think about ending your marriage. That would cut most of these people out of your life in one fell swoop.

Yes I was raised by an alcoholic narcissistic father and a very secretive, sometimes manipulative mother- although she was the better, loving parent and the one I bonded with the most. So no I haven't had the best family model.

I've married into more dysfunction it appears, but it's worse this time as they're, resepctable, reputable and wealthy members of the community. Deep down though, they're the same.

DH was lovely until we had children and then I had expectations of him to be there, to care, to provide and nobody had ever placed any demands on him in his whole life, always able to please himself and quite spoiled. So, resentment grew. He sabotages our happiness so I know he hates me. Ducks are already being lined up. I'm just reflecting on where I've gone wrong to be so distrustful.

School gate mums I should probably forget about. For some reason, they all come to me with their issues with each other I guesw because I'm nice and approachable but it's made me wary.

If you're wary of every single person around you I'd consider whether there's some paranoia here.

That depends to be honest.

A total projection here from my situation but I have an extremely dysfunctional family of origin, decades of childhood and into adulthood abuse went on between two of my siblings and I was abused by the same perpetrator as a young child. My family have not fully faced up to this. My FIL had decades of domestic violence and coercive control against DMIL under his belt. My MIL is still miserably staying in the relationship. Both families have used tonnes and tonnes of denial and carpet sweeping to plough on.

Once I started facing up to the reality of my family and DH’s family I finally became incredibly wary in the way the OP experienced. Weirdly though some friends too have really struggled to cope with the assault my family presents to their worldview about human nature and they have suggested I should be maintaining family relationships.

Sometimes it isn’t paranoia and things really are shit. Especially if you come from a dysfunctional background you are more likely to be attracted to the same dysfunction as you get older as you have to learn yourself what heathy relationships look like.

That said I have a fantastic husband and wonderful children and my friends are great too but I am wary of their limitations around accepting how difficult it is to have to estrange from incredibly damaged family.

OP I don't think you're paranoid. But you ARE in a pickle! It's perfectly possible to find ourselves surrounded by toxic people. I've been there myself. The question is how we got there, and how we get out of it. We'll, we get there by undervaluing ourselves. ("No one can put you down without your consent.") Getting out is hard because it requires us to develop the self-care we've always lacked. And of course it's impossible to do so when constantly dripfed poison from all sides. Find a way to leave. All of them. Dispose of them humanely. (Or brutally, they deserve it.) Then work on yourself. And be more careful in future.

This whole process sounds impossible, but is very much worth it. It took me about 15 years, but I'm a slow learner. Good luck OP! X

Be financially independent.

Get the details of that bank account so that it can be passed to the forensic accountant when if you divorce? :)

I don't feel the need to maintain a relationship with anyone I'm wary of, I stay well away other than occasional toxic work colleagues.
I am concerned that you are wary of everybody in your life and maybe have trust issues that lead you to think that fairly normal family behaviour is abnormal.

For some reason, they all come to me with their issues with each other I guesw because I'm nice and approachable but it's made me wary.

I think this is the mistake many people who find themselves embroiled in “frenemy” and fake friends situations make. These women don’t come to you with their issues with each other because you’re nice and approachable. I’m sure you are, but that’s not why they come. They come to you because they know you will stand there and let them bitch about other people without telling them they’re being snakes and they know you won’t spread what they’ve said back to the person they were telling you about. They think of you as one of them and complicit in the “frenemy” dynamic.

So you need to get to the root of it, and walk away. Once, many years ago at a party, I found myself in the same situation with a couple of women, bitching about another mutual friend. I’m not interested in gossiping about people so I just said “Claire’s always been a good friend to me, that’s all I know” and disappeared off to pour myself another drink and join some other people. As a result, people who like to gossip know not to bother trying to draw me in; and nice people who also don’t like being disloyal to friends and gossiping about them are the people I attract as friends - hence nobody to be wary of.

I'm just reflecting on where I've gone wrong to be so distrustful

All you've done wrong is to continue to try to have relationships with people who make you feel bad. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you personally, no personality trait you need to change, no 'work' you need to put in to 'improve yourself'

All you have to do is listen to your feelings. You were trained not to by your father's behaviour. He made you feel bad, you just had to put up with it, and that's what you do now, with other people. Take the other option. Start saying no when they want to see you. Start pulling away. You don't have to do any big 'I don't want you in my life anymore' gestures, but 'I've only got time for a quick coffee' is much better than 'Yes, let's spend the whole day shopping together!', when it comes to people who make you feel uncomfortable. Just gently pull away, more and more.

Have you anybody in your life (friends? Colleagues?) who you feel safe and comfortable with? Who you know you can trust?

They all sound horrible. I wouldn't keep anyone like that in my life. In your case I'd probably move to the other side of the country and start over completely.

And btw, they all sound like narcissists. Just because your dad was the worst doesn't mean the others aren't too. Sister especially.

And btw, they all sound like narcissists. Just because your dad was the worst doesn't mean the others aren't too. Sister especially

That is such a good point. In a narcissistic family there are usually learned and probably necessary narcissistic traits among all of the family members. I would definitely say that was absolutely the case in mine and absolutely I was as guilty as some of my other siblings but not as guilty as the main protagonists my parents and my brother. You have to choose to unlearn those narcissistic traits or at least learn to apply them only to the narcissistic environment where they are probably necessary to get by.