Who are you wary of but have to maintain a relationship with?

[Chocolatebrownieplease]

I feel like I'm surrounded by people I don't trust, because I've been bitten by them before. I'm particularly wary of my SIL who condescended me on their family group chat for years before eventually, I discovered that she was also the writer of the anonymous critical comments that appeared on my blog. She doesn't know I know it was her.

I'm wary of my inlaws who allowed the condescending to go on under their noses, saying nothing. I'm very wary of my MIL who will win me over with niceties before striking me with a personal blow where she gets me talking and then catches me out. Usually about my parenting.

I'm wary of DH, who I think secretly hates me.

I'm wary of my FIL who I discovered has a secret bank account with DH where he gives him money solely for him.

I'm wary of my brother who is a narcissistic, selfish person who will cut me off at any silly disagreement but I get on with on the surface because our kids get along.

I'm wary of my Mum who takes advantage of my time and hospitality and lies and breaks arrangements when something better comes along.

I'm wary of many of the mums at my kids' school who often talk about each other.

Do other people have to be this wary? It seems to suck all the joy out of life.

The statement that causes the most concern there is that your husband hates you.

The school gate mums shouldn't worry you - if you don't like them, avoid them.

Your inlaws sounds unpleasant, but can be avoided (or at least if you had a good r'ship with DH he would support you).

But to say your DH hates you - do you know that? Has he said that? It sounds like you know you need to end your marriage, which also means the inlaws don't need to be an issue for too much longer either.

Who do you trust? Focus on who you do trust, not who you don't. I have very few people in my life I'm wary of (which I'm very grateful for). Any friends who weren't good friends are no longer friends. A bad relationship became an ex. And I've looked after my friendships with good people. It matters more that you look after the relationships with the people you can trust than worry about the people you can't.

You kind of give up on trusting others when you've been betrayed by people you should have been able to trust.

parent, spouse, boss, friend, co-worker.

I just end the relationship if I can, avoid those who I don't have to deal with a lot, and never tell untrustworthy people anything personal and that seems to work out well.

And don't ever count on someone financially.

I'm wary of my inlaws who allowed the condescending to go on under their noses, saying nothing. I'm very wary of my MIL who will win me over with niceties before striking me with a personal blow where she gets me talking and then catches me out. Usually about my parenting

Do we share a mil?

Why do you think DH hates you? Its more a DH problem re the secret bank account, not sure I could be someone who accepted this.

I'm quite wary of my neighbour, she is very over bearing, controlling and opinionated and she seems to have an odd friendship with my father who is quite vunerable. I keep an eye on it but I don't trust her as far as I'd throw her.

You don't sound happy in your life op. Why are you wasting it like this.

Your dp secretly hates you? You have much bigger problems than the thread title suggests.

Thank you all.
I know exactly how I got here. Low self esteem, lack of boundaries and a neediness to be liked. This was 10 years ago that I met DH when I'd left home 5 years earlier away from my toxic parents and toxic relationships followed this.

I thought I'd luckily met a great man in DH, but I realise now that he shielded the dysfunction well. Red flags were waving madly after the first time I met MIL and I naively ignored them.

I have re-parented myself in 10 years however and I've grown enough to be wary and spot the toxicity. I've had lots of therapy, self help, journalling. I've really dug deep. The person I could trust above all died 4 years ago- my uncle and I've felt a bit lost without his guidance since. He took me in at 18 when I became physically at risk from the alcohol induced abuse at home.

I also used to get bullied at work, but again that stopped around 8 years ago since I began working on myself. I began a great job 4 years ago and have a great relationship with all my work colleagues apart from a couple, but I could spot their toxicity a mile off also and so avoid.

Atleast it hasn't leaked into my professional life in recent years. I sometimes see that other people get along with these toxic types though- normal likeable people and question why I usually end up at the end of the wrath of a toxic person when others manage to avoid it.

I’m very wary of inlaws, DH is low contact with them for good reason. But I have minimal contact so it’s not troublesome.

I’m also wary of a few work colleagues that I don’t trust and my ex stepmother. We actually get on very well but it’s a strange relationship to maintain as she is remarried.

Love many, trust few, learn to paddle your own canoe.

I have very low expectations of most people, and the only person I can ever truly trust is myself, which is fine.

That said, you sound like you'd be best off out of your marriage, OP.

At this stage in my life I am overwhelmingly wary of school mums and friends husbands who continue to try it on with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm wary of my mum. I know she loves me, but every so often (infrequently thank goodness / usually enough time has gone by that I've relaxed and become complacent), she will fly into a rage and say something so hurtful to me it utterly takes my breath away.

Wow, you poor thing.

There's so much better out there for you. Kind, good people. Good friends to be had.

You must be exhausted.

Yep. I feel similar. I had to start cutting people out, which was tricky as I didn't trust many to begin with. Therapy has helped and has taken a very long time to achieve the trusting relationship I now have with my therapist which has caused a massive friction in the relationships where I don't have trust. I have better boundaries with my family now and I see the crap behaviour more clearly. I am probably lonelier now but I have less people wiping their shit on me. I was waiting for someone to tell you you were paranoid and they have done but unless you have grown up being treated like shit and spend your life doing the same you have no way of understanding how this feels. Good luck.

I am probably lonelier now but I have less people wiping their shit on me

@coffeeisthebest this really hit home with me. My life is much the same. I remember reading somewhere that when you're transitioning between an unhappy life and a better one, there's a period of emptiness. As you let go of those who bring negativity to your life and before finding your new tribe.

This period began around 3 years ago for me, but since covid, it's not given me an opportunity to build my new tribe. I let go of a few friendships (around 5 people) all from the same group that I'd hung on to since I was 18 that I knew just weren't on my wave length anymore as their lifestyle didn't appeal to me and I knew their was no friendship unless I was like them, so I just declined their invites politely and they faded away politely. I knew the friendships were just surface ones because they didn't stand without me making the effort to do the things they enjoyed (getting drunk a lot) so they didn't stand. Then a couple of mum friends I'd made also when I had my first child who had been controlling and made me feel inferior. This made my life empty. I had nobody to call for a chat, nobody to meet for a quiet drink, nobody to even go to a fitness class with. Because of covid it has lengthened this period of time.

But, I have one friend that I've known since I was 16 who has transitioned her life in a similar way to me, who is from a similar background too and I hang on to that. I barely see her as she moved away but I atleast have someone that I can see now and then. I also made a deeper friendship (through social media) with a mum I met years ago at a baby group who had also moved away but I actually went to stay at her house for a weekend a few weeks ago which was lovely.

I'm going to an exercise class on my own now, and hope my tribe will come. I read about things I want to become interested in that fits the life I want to lead and hopefully, I'll get there. Hope you do too 💐

Something is going in in your life that makes you so unhappy it's colouring everything else , so that needs addressing.

The only person I'm " wary" of is my ex and I have very good concrete reason. He's only in my life for ds sake and the only relationship I have with him is fortnightly texts regarding contact arrangements....
You need to find boundaries and try and separate who is important and who isn't

World is full of sneks hun 🐍🐍🐍

OP, I feel that you are right to be wary of the in laws and relations you have described.

Past bad experiences can effect our ability to trust others, but I think that you are distrustful of some of those in your life for good reason! They have shown you that they can't be trusted. Your inner compass is telling you that there are reasons not to trust them. Maybe it takes time to trust and listen to ourselves if we have been conditioned not to.

It sounds like you have made great progress in therapy and by moving on from certain friends and creating good relationships with colleagues.

I think it's also important to ensure you do not blame yourself for the behaviour of others - they are responsible for it and not you.

I found the book 'Selfhood' by Dr. Terry Lynch very helpful and Bianca Sparacino has a brilliant podcast 'In Your Feelings' with episodes on setting boundaries and taking care of yourself.

I'm now wary of my colleagues.
It seems once people start the morning shift, people act oddly towards you if you see them on the afternoon shift.
This indicates, that people are slagging me off. I have had the last few days off, because all the negativity from them has made my depression worse.
I will discuss this, with hr because it is not a nice atmosphere for an hours job .

I'm wary of my husband. I can't trust him. I can trust him to hurt me and make me cry. I trust him to let me down time and time again.

I'm wary of his family for being leeches and not caring about me or my kids. It would be so nice to have met a nice guy even if his family weren't nice. Someone supportive and mature. But ohh what the heck...

I also used to get bullied at work, but again that stopped around 8 years ago since I began working on myself. I began a great job 4 years ago and have a great relationship with all my work colleagues apart from a couple, but I could spot their toxicity a mile off also and so avoid

ha ha, well done OP!

You sound so well informed & together.
It's only these other clods in your personal life pulling you down, & if you just keep working on yourself, you will soon be able to deal with them like you dealt with your professional situation.

I have people like this in my life buy I'm not wary of them. I either forgive and forget, amd make sure they know there will never be another chance, or I just stop contact. I've really pulled back from my dps family because either don't have time for their drama and one did something to me that I can't forgive. She's actually a lovely person but our relationship will never be the way it was.
Your husband and his family sound awful. Ditch them all and quick. They are not your problem, you have no obligation.
Your family don't sound great but if your upbringing wasn't great, then there are probably reasons for your mum and brothers behavior.

As for the schools mums, you've made the mistake of getting yourself too emersed in the drama. Start cutting back. Starts making excuses as to why you can't listen to their bitching. Just say things like "oh Sandra, can't stop, got yo run to an appointment" etc. Pull away. Won't stop people talking about you but if you don't like listening to their gossip, you don't have to.

One work colleague. She did something to me that I found extraordinary. It's difficult because I am objectively nothing like as good as her, and I can and have learned from her. But as soon as that happened I took steps to get out from being managed by her even part of the time. It's taken 2 years but it will end in a month.

My brother in law. When my husband died he blamed me and all sorts of other stuff came out. It was like he couldn't wait to find out that the world thought as badly of me as he does. We are in very distant touch for ds's sake but I don't see him.

If you don't trust your spouse you will never feel safe.

If you don't trust your spouse you will never feel safe.

That is so true. If you have someone you don’t trust embedded in your primary life it will affect your ability to trust anyone because you will rarely feel safe. And ironically if you don’t trust them barring unprocessed past trust issues that have never been addressed chances are you are right. I have found that your body (with its physical emotional responses) realises miles sooner that something is really off than our mind. The social animal in us in our mind goes into denial/defence mechanisms so that we don’t have to address the abusive behaviours and possibly leave the safety of the social group we have formed.

I like the saying “rather eat crumbs with bums than steak with snakes”. Do you have to have these people in your life. It’s your choice.

OP,

I think you sound amazing.

You are hugely intuitive and recognise the toxicity of those around you.

Keeping your powder dry and getting organised.

I have come across people like this my whole life, work, clubs, activities, schools but I have a really good radar and I actively avoid them.

I have zero interest in people that enjoy or cause drama.

A lot of these people are deeply unhappy and feed off gossip and speaking badly of others.

I just avoid.

The other type is the two faced type that speak badly about someone but smiles to their face.

Another type that I avoid.

Fortunately there are many nice people around me to meet and enjoy their company and thankfully I have lovely friends.

You will meet nice people, keep looking.