Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Did you leave ur husband for another man and if so how it turned out

29 replies

novembeer · 21/10/2021 23:22

Behalf of a friend - I was getting along fine in my marriage of ten years, or so I thought. Then bank out of the blue I met someone who turned my world upside down. I fell head over heels in love (or so I think, could it be lust) and he loves me, which I do believe.

One minute I can see myself being with om living happily and believing that love will conquer all but then other times I think how can I do this to my dh. Leave him and split our family. We don't have kids . I feel so so selfish that I am even considering splitting my my husband . If I stay with my husband will the feelings for om die eventually?? At the minute I cant have sex or touch my husband its so unfair me hurting him like this.

I never thought this would happen to me but I belive I love the om and he loves me.

I am in absolute turmoil over this.

OP posts:

Elmer83 · 21/10/2021 23:27

Nope, but I advise you leave your poor husband and at least give him the chance to find real love.

Onshoredebris · 21/10/2021 23:29

How can you possibly expect strangers to answer questions for you that you can’t answer yourself when we don’t know you

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 23:31

Love fades, dies, changes and sometimes even multiplies. Your husband is no longer the one for you and in time, neither will this guy be. Time changes all.

As is, it sounds like you are bringing more pain to your partner by staying in this marriage though. So I would advise you to leave. Not because of this other fella. Who, in time, will also become a person of your past. But because it seems your time with your partner has run its course.

altmember · 21/10/2021 23:37

I don't think your head gets turned unless there are issues in your relationship. Maybe they can be resolved, maybe not. The other man might be your soul mate, or he might turn out to be a worse partner than you currently have.

I think the two issues should be separated though. Either try to fix your marriage or end it. And then don't get involved with anyone else until you've got over your marriage properly. It's not fair or healthy to them or you to branch swing.

samesign · 21/10/2021 23:40

I haven't been in the same situation but know enough to say flings and lovers come and go, commitment and marriage is harder to find and under appreciated. It's unlikely it would work out long term with OM. If you really don't want to stay married to then leave but not for someone else.

Onthedunes · 21/10/2021 23:45

Yes it is unfair.

You have chosen to put sex with the OM above your husband.
He must be devastated not knowing what's wrong.
Has he suspicions?

Why don't you leave your husband as most women would not put another man above their husband like this.

He deserves the truth of the matter and to make a choice to move on and love another.

Why do you get all the choices.

Dery · 22/10/2021 01:32

Not personally experienced this but I know of some affairs which have turned into committed long term partnerships which have lasted much longer than the previous marriages and I’ve known of affairs which have crashed and burned when the affair partners have tried to build a life together.

There are no guarantees. No-one knows what will be the case for you. At the moment, you and your affair partner are shiny and new to each other. The fact that you aren’t supposed to be together and have to snatch time together will increase the sense of romance and yearning. Who knows how you’d feel about each other once the affair dynamic is over and you’re going through the daily grind together. Only you can decide whether you’re willing to risk what you’ve got now on the chance of what you might have with your affair partner if you got together.

All that said, I fell in love with another man for a while and it made no difference to how I loved my DH and I knew I didn’t want to leave him. The situation sounds different for you.

Your DH would no doubt be devastated for a while but in time no doubt he would get over you and go on to build a life with someone else.

Strangevipers · 22/10/2021 01:49

Grass isn't always greener
But
If your done with your husband let him go now, let him move on and find love, don't hold him back or lie that you love him

CoffeeCupz · 22/10/2021 06:33

I have gone through something similar about a year ago, together 9 years no kids either met a man at work and we had this huge connection, would always be dreaming about him when I went to sleep and had never experienced the connection before and everything just clicked he would message me and we agreed to meet up one day and I did meet him we spoke around an hour just in my village but I would keep thinking of my partner and it made me realize that this other man wasn't good what kind man tries to get with another woman knowing there in a relationship... But I like you was seriously considering leaving my relationship for this other guy as we just got on so well, I however still wanted sex with my partner and loved him and it hurt me to think of leaving so I knocked it off with talking to the other man, came clean to partner. Occasionally sometimes still think of other guy but we get choices in life. And the grass isn't always greener but your situation sounds a lot worse off than mine as you say you can't stand him touching you/ sex this dosnt sound good.

CoffeeCupz · 22/10/2021 06:36

I think it was a case of not being totally happy with my partner and think you need to decide if you want to keep working on your relationship or if it's over, try and take other man out of it as this is what I tried to do, above all I felt pain in my heart and sadness when I thought of leaving partner for other man so I got my answer.

I'm available to message if you need to if this helps X I know its a hard time.

Tiredofbs123 · 22/10/2021 06:44

Argh, I don’t know, I guess I have a different perspective to other posters in that I don’t believe love is a feeling but an action.

I had enough experience before getting married to know limerance (pair bonding chemical highs) is fleeting and when it fades you’re left with the choice as to whether you stay. That’s where as a previous poster said affairs go either way. Statistics are clear they’re much more likely to crash and burn in the cold light of day. As cheating partners see each other for who you are and the damage you can both inflict on others.

BUT

You’ve already broken your husband. Every time you’ve rejected him, every time he’s caught you sneaking on your phone, every time you’ve had that distant look in your eye OR stared at him as if he’s a stranger you’ve broken him. You’re not being ‘unfair’ on him this will inflict a deep rooted trauma that he will take years to process. You are putting him in harms way deliberately: physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally. That’s though of by many as abuse.

As you’re doing that willingly please give him his personal agency back and tell him and then walk away. He deserves better. He deserves someone who chooses him every day!

Original poster

novembeer · 22/10/2021 06:57

@CoffeeCupz

I'm available to message if you need to if this helps X I know its a hard time.

Is there anyway I can chat with you ?

OP posts:

CoffeeCupz · 22/10/2021 07:00

Hello yes I'm at work today and finish at 6 but please feel free message me I will answer when I get time x I think if you click on my username you can inbox me through there xx

category12 · 22/10/2021 07:07

If you don't have kids, then just leave and see how it goes with the other man. Life is short.

Original poster

novembeer · 22/10/2021 08:14

@CoffeeCupz

Hello yes I'm at work today and finish at 6 but please feel free message me I will answer when I get time x I think if you click on my username you can inbox me through there xx

Seems I don't have that option I'm not premium member 😕

OP posts:

CoffeeCupz · 22/10/2021 14:39

It's not always that simple just because you no kids you still have the feelings, I understand OP viewpoint. It's not about life being to short as much as I agree that but it's about making the wrong decision when you still care for someone it's so hard. All I knew is I still wanted to be with my partner and it caused me pain to think of leaving so I decided to stay

knittingaddict · 22/10/2021 14:45

I may get a lot of people disagreeing with me, but I think allowing yourself to fall in love is a conscious decision. It isn't something that just happens to you in a passive way. You can feel the attraction and do everything in your power to not allow it to develop. You can do things practically and emotionally to distance yourself. On that basis I would say that you opened yourself up to this and need to take responsibility for it.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/10/2021 16:43

To me it’s not acceptable to lie to and deceive someone who loves you whilst you weigh up which ‘option’ is better.

It is not being loving to your husband to treat him as an option. It is not being loving to the other man to treat him as an option.
However guilty or unfair you feel towards your husband, however much you ‘love’ this other man, the only person’s happiness, future or wellbeing under consideration here appears to be your own.
I think you would be better off on your own for a while to find out what you really want out of life. Your husband deserves the truth and a choice, so does the other man. These are real people with real feelings, not just a couple of options to make you feel happier.
Sorry to be blunt, but everything else is mentally twisting yourself into a pretzel to allow yourself to think that this is acceptable behaviour given your circumstances and that somehow you are a victim of your feelings and have no agency here. You are responsible for how you respond to your feelings and the choices you make. Stop using two people who allegedly love you as back up plans and have some time out to figure out who you are and what you want.

Original poster

novembeer · 22/10/2021 19:32

@CoffeeCupz

Is there any other way I can be in contact with u email address or something .. if u r comfortable?? Sorry I'm asking this but I really need someone to enlighten me thanks

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 22/10/2021 19:40

When I met DH he was with another women (they weren't married but he lived with her). I fancied him but as soon as I heard he was in a committed relationship I didn't pursue anything. He's older than me so I just thought "oh we'll never mind" and forgot about it, although we were friendly at work.
About four months later he told me they had split up three months earlier. He'd met me and was very interested, and he realised the relationship was over. He left it til he'd moved out then found his own place to tell me. We did get together pretty quickly after that.
We have been together 13 years, married 3 and have 2 DC.
Funnily enough I think it's the fact that I didn't know he was "on the market" so to speak that meant we worked out. I'd been totally myself with him the first six months I knew him because as far as I was concerned there was no chance at all of any romance, so I didn't try to impress etc, I was just honestly myself. So I would suggest to your friend to do the honourable thing ana leave the husband she now knows she no longer feels the same way about but give it a few months before starting something new.

CoffeeCupz · 22/10/2021 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 22/10/2021 19:49

@CoffeeCupz

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Hi and sorry for barging in! Mumsnet is a public forum so we've taken that down. You can private message that info but we don't want to leave you open to the internet like that.

Original poster

novembeer · 22/10/2021 20:00

@CoffeeCupz

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sorry I guess it's not allowed truly sorry to ask

OP posts:

Differentusername12 · 22/10/2021 22:01

I was with my ex for 6 years. I had a 6th month affair with my now dp and we're together and really happy 8 years later. Best thing I ever did and my ex is now happily married so it worked out better for all concerned (no kids involved).

CoffeeCupz · 27/10/2021 05:51

How are you feeling have you had any more clarity?? I decided to leave me job and get away from this other man, I'm also 27 so not sure if that makes a difference, you may have much more life experience than me, quess it's up to you would you be happy to leave partner

Flip

1 2