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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said I OVERREACTED

67 replies

Imsofat · 10/12/2007 14:04

My dp had a friend over last night. The same friend that comes over every weekend and I don't like him too much because he is rude to me, very childish and DH acts like a dickhead in front of him.

Anyway I decided to keep out of their way (see I have to act like a lodger when he's here too) and I went upstairs to study.

I hear all this manic laughing from those two and DS. I ignore it best I can until I hear DS say "mums gonna go mad". I then heard DP's friend say "will she say owt?" through his laughing and DP said "yeah she'll go off her tits, help me clean it up".

So I go downstairs to see what has happened and there is shit all up the wall which DP is frantically trying to wipe off with a t-towel but he's still laughing. His friend saw me and said "shit, think you're in trouble mate" and he's laughing his head off. DS is laughing uncontrollably and points to the floor where a dirty nappy was. I put two and two together and realise they'd been chucking a dirty nappy at each other.

Apart from the mess I was more annoyed at the way they'd involved DS1 (10) who is bad enough at the best of times without encouraging him. I was annoyed that they'd treat DS2 like a toy and I was annoyed that the 3 of them were making me out to be some kind of drama queen that they could all laugh at.

I told the friend to get out and if he couldnt treat my home with respect he wasn't welcome in it. He then said to Dp "looks like you're on the sofa tonight" .

DS had his playstation taken off him which caused a huge tantrum as he said he was only watching and later me and DH had a massive argument where he said he was sick of me over-reacting and that I was apparantly jealous of his friend.

So please be honest, am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
clumsymum · 10/12/2007 14:28

I would definately point out that the behaviour of dp and his mate was not acceptable, and no way to behave in your home, let alone in front of a 10 year old boy.

I would certainly ban this friend from your home, if he has such a poor influence on DP. and if DP doesn't like it, he can go and live with the friend, and they can surround themselves with feaces 24 hrs a day if they like.

Absolutely shocking behaviour, tell him we said so.

Mich10 · 10/12/2007 14:30

Imsofat, this doesn't sound like an ideal situation and I know how difficult it is to see a clear path out when you are spending your life fire fighting. Is there any chance of stealing yourself some room to breath / think about what the best way forward for you all is? Even if it's just an hour in the park or going for a massage or something just to get yourself some time.

I'm sure your dh can be quite lovely but he should respect you enough to not do things he knows are going to upset you, maybe he needs reminding of that once the furore has died down.

As for giving your DS alcohol, I'm not getting the impression it's a watered down glass of wine with dinner in the continental fashion of teaching your children to drink responsibly. Therefore I'm speechless!

BeeWiseMen · 10/12/2007 14:31

change your name on here woman, your making us all collude in your low self esteem every time we have to use it and I won't stand for it (cos I'm sooooo tough)

some suggestions:

patienceofasaint
livingwiththevillageidiot
thingswillhavetochange

does your dp call you fat?

margoandjerry · 10/12/2007 14:31

Quite honestly? I would kick him out for that. Absolutely disgraceful. Don't know where to start with that.

Hope that hasn't made you feel worse but this really is one of the nastiest things I've ever heard. Disrespectful, pathetic, plus nasty attempt to force you into being the "boring" one.

ComeOVenReadyturkey · 10/12/2007 14:32

Just a question, but why do none of the posts on this thread and the other thread the OP started not appear if you do a search?

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 14:34

A few sips but it's getting more and he thinks a whole bottle on christmas day , really that's not on, a whole bottle would leave most 10 year olds feeling drunk.

You really need to talk to him or get rid, don't put up with his behaviour. Sorry to say but I'm not surprised ds1 has behavioural problems at school with him as a role model.

bossykate · 10/12/2007 14:35

i think this is one of the most depressing threads i've ever come across in more than six years on mnet.

imsofat. you are worth more than this. please try and raise your self-esteem so that you can take action to protect your children from this man.

Mich10 · 10/12/2007 14:35

Beewisemen - I'm voting for livingwiththevillageidiot - great suggestion!

LivingWithTheVillageIdiot · 10/12/2007 14:36

Yes I like that one

I think the stress of christmas is making me feel worse tbh. especially about my weight.

new2it · 10/12/2007 14:38

(((((((((((hug))))))))))You need to be strong! You know these things are unacceptable! There is a saying/poem that goes give me the strength to change the things I can, and know the things I cant!
Could be if by Rudyard Kipling.
You might be fat you might not, so what! Does that mean you don't have feelings and emotions your view and opinions are just as important as everyone else!
I wonder why you accept being treated in this way?

edam · 10/12/2007 14:41

Your dp is a twonk of the highest order. Don't let him persuade you you are out of line; he is.

Mich10 · 10/12/2007 14:43

Livingwiththevillageidiot - Stop beating youself up about the weight thing, it's fair to say that if the goverment are to be believed that we could all do better! and may I remind you that you have had 2 children, unless you have your own personal trainer a super nanny to watch the children whilst you exercise and a chef delivering your meals every day most people would struggle to maintain a size 8 figure. Please cut yourself some slack.

How about going retro and upping the exercise routine by chasing dh round the back garden with a frying pan?

TenLordsaLapin · 10/12/2007 15:31

Living with the village wanker more like. He's a fuckwit, sorry but he is. And a really terrible example to your son.

COV - Search is buggered, has been for days, it doesn't seem to pick up the current day.

Ozymandius · 10/12/2007 15:39

Dawn French is fat. Beth Ditto is fat. Nigella Lawson isn't skinny by any means. It means nothing. it absolutely doesn't mean you shouldn put up with fuckwitted behaviour like this. He sounds like an arse. What do you see in him? It would make anyone depressed living with this sort of stuff.

LazyLinePainterJane · 10/12/2007 15:48

It is awful, that feeling when you react to something and the other person makes you feel as if you are overreacting. It makes for confusion because part of you feels as if you've done the wrong thing and acted like a shrieking harpy but yet you still have all the anger inside because the other person just brushed off all of your objections.

He is not treating you or your DS with respect.

You need a serious talk.

BrightBaublesBeetroot · 10/12/2007 15:49

now come one lady

he throws shit around your living room
he gives your 10 year old son alcohol

He is a moron and needs to go.

Can you not see that?

edam · 10/12/2007 16:22

Beetroot has a point.. tell him Social Services would object to him giving a 10yo alcohol.

clumsymum · 10/12/2007 16:28

TBH I suspect Social Services may object to him throwing shit about too.

It's not exactly a healthy environment, is it?

BrightBaublesBeetroot · 10/12/2007 16:31

ss would have a field day

OrmIrian · 10/12/2007 16:35

Is he still alive and intact? Then no you didn't overreact !

Horrible disgusting behaviour and so cruel to use it to make you feel even more excluded

chenin · 10/12/2007 16:35

I think you have a real problem here. Your DH is acting like something out of Men Behaving Badly (but they were single... remember?)
I am concerned for your DS1 and the example he is being set. If you don't nip your DHs pathetic behaviour in the bud... give it a couple of years and you will be battling with your DS1 big time. As it is, it's 'you' against 'them' and that is gonna get worse and worse. It's not your DS1's fault, but of course it's fun to watch his Dad act like a big kid (idiot more like...) and whilst it is all a big laugh to your DS now... it will get worse and worse and he will pick up the really bad parts of your DH's behaviour and I think you will then have a huge problem discipling him.

He is only 10 and to be already calling someone 'shithead' is pretty bad. If your DH swears a lot, so will your DS1, followed by DS2. Nip this in the bud quick. Tell your DH you will NOT tolerate this pathetic infantile behaviour... if he wants to act like that... move out.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 10/12/2007 16:36

How old are these people??

tribpot · 10/12/2007 16:43

That's absolutely horrendous. You are making excuses for him, saying he's fine when the friend isn't around. He isn't at all. Suggesting your 10 year old ds have a bottle of beer is not fine. Enrolling your ds in a boxing club against your wishes isn't fine.

He uses your weight to make you feel worthless, and thus unable to see that he is a wanker of the highest order. You don't need to lose weight, you need to gain self-esteem.

Mich10 · 10/12/2007 16:50

Livingwiththevillageidiot - Are you OK? I notice you haven't posted for a while and although I agree with many of the sentiments posted above, it always seems much clearer from the outside of a relationship looking in but nothings ever that clearcut.

The bottom line is that his behaviour both the other evening and with the beer drinking is unacceptable to you. Somehow you have to make him hear and understand that for the sake of your family.

Only you can decide if your family would be better off without his influence.

BeeWiseMen · 10/12/2007 16:51

livingwith, I hope we haven't scared you off with our rage?

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