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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

43 replies

anne2650 · 21/10/2021 06:57

Dd 12 has challenging behaviour at home. I'm waiting for an assessment. I try and manage her calmly when she's having a melt down but she can be quite cutting in the things that she says to us.
Dh has a short fuse and can't cope. Last night he lost it completely and started screaming at her how much he hates her and calling her a cow. If I hadn't moved in front of her, I think he would have hit her. My arm was hit in the process and is quite sore. He punched a hole in the wall and then broke down in tears.
Dd was obviously very scared and upset. He says we have let her get away with too much and there's no discipline. I do discipline her but I'm so convinced that something isn't quite right and she is perhaps on the spectrum. I get nervous when she starts and try to keep him away.
He has flipped before and is of the depressive type especially when things are going wrong.
We've been together a long time and otherwise have a very happy marriage but I don't know if we can carry on like this as I know Dd and him are not going to change.
We also have another dd who is 13
Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2021 07:07

He needs to leave. No matter how challenging her behaviour is, violence is totally unacceptable.

What sort of lessons can he possibly teach her about behaviour, when he acts like that?

And you need to show your children violence is unacceptable and that you will protect them.

NotaCoolMum · 21/10/2021 07:08

Regardless if your DD is on the spectrum or not, the way your DH is responding to her is downright abusive. I understand your DD can be challenging (I have a teen DS who is being assessed so I do understand x) but your DH is really the problem in this scenario. I’m sure he’s frustrated and feeling desperate but that is not an excuse for his aggressive behaviour.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/10/2021 07:11

He needs to live apart from her for now.
If your youngest is affecting your oldest negatively you might think about sending her with dad too.

category12 · 21/10/2021 07:12

It doesn't even sound like he acknowledges his behaviour was wrong, so what hope is there?

category12 · 21/10/2021 07:17

@GoodnightGrandma

He needs to live apart from her for now. If your youngest is affecting your oldest negatively you might think about sending her with dad too.
Don't be daft, he was violent towards a child and hit the mum trying to get at her, in what world would it make sense to send a child with him ShockConfused.
TheChip · 21/10/2021 07:17

Has she not learned this behaviour from him?
It would probably be best if he left for a while.

MackenCheese · 21/10/2021 07:19

OP, I can hear the pain and upset in your post, and I was in exactly in this position last year with my teen DS (who has asd) and DH. There were so many terrifying arguments and meltdowns on both sides that when DH said he was leaving I said cheerio,a dn he moved out. I know that sounds flippant, but to have such a serious safeguarding issue in your own home is very worrying - I couldn't sleep. This is emotional abuse and when I looked back carefully I could see that it had been going on for many years. Yes, my DS is challenging, yes, my DH was anxious and depressive but the combination is a recipe for a very unhappy time and I couldn't put my children through that any longer. The love had gone out of the marriage by that time anyway. I hope you find a way to resolve it. Sounds like you need to sit down with your DH and say this has to stop. Now.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/10/2021 07:19

category12 - because it’s not the older child that’s the problem. 🙄

Salayes · 21/10/2021 07:19

So this is not the first time. Protect your children ffs

category12 · 21/10/2021 07:21

@GoodnightGrandma

category12 - because it’s not the older child that’s the problem. 🙄
No, it's the father. The depressive, violent father.
GoodnightGrandma · 21/10/2021 07:23

The older child shouldn’t have to put up with the sibling if it’s affecting them either. The other child’s challenging behaviour is the trigger.
🙄

category12 · 21/10/2021 07:25

Yes of course, far better to send her off with the violent adult who's shown he can't control himself when challenged. HmmHmm

TheAverageUser · 21/10/2021 07:26

When you sit down and talk about it what does he say? Does he recognise his behaviour is bad? Do you have a shared idea for parenting her and he loses that when he gets angry?

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2021 07:38

He was violent and injured you in the process. Please don’t allow this man to stay in your home around your dd, it’s only going to make things worse, your DD’s behaviour could be worse because of him? Your on edge all the time because you are worried he will kick off? It shouldn’t be like this and it isn’t healthy for any of you. He needs to leave and you need to concentrate on your dd starting with getting a referral for her. You might find with him gone her behaviour will quickly improve. Please show your dd that it’s not ok to put up from any kind of abuse from a man by kicking him out.

Original poster
anne2650 · 21/10/2021 07:39

Thank you for your replies. We're getting ready for school and work and dh is in the living room right now. I slept with dd last night and she seems ok. I haven't slept.
Going to try and ring a local helpline today.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2021 08:50

Good luck speaking to someone, op.

One of the life lessons you don't want to teach your teenage girls is "live with a level of threat/violence from the men who claim to love you, because, well, you know, you drive them to it".

He should have had more control, he should have taken himself out of the situation, but he verbally abused your dd and assaulted you while trying to assault her. He needs to go.

beautifulview · 21/10/2021 08:59

Does your DD 13 have these kinds of issues? I’m guessing this is learned behaviour? Has your DH always been like this? Flips quickly? She’s learnt it from him? Stop waiting for an assessment. Pay to see someone. Google child psychologist adhd assessment and ring them now. It cost my friend £600 for a private assessment. Yes it’s a lot if money but find it. Divorce costs a lot more. I’m not advocating violence but if this has been going on for 12 years has the stress pushed him past breaking point if he’s not usually like this? He needs help, you all need help. She needs to be assessed and treated now

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2021 09:11

Do phone a local helpline.

Did you grow up within a similar household OP; did your dad treat your mum like this?.

I would think your DH does not at all behave like this to people like his work colleagues or to those in the outside world. If that is the case then it is for you people that his abuse is directed at. Do you really think that you have an otherwise happy marriage?. What you're describing here is domestic violence.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. As Category12 rightly states in her comment, "One of the life lessons you don't want to teach your teenage girls is "live with a level of threat/violence from the men who claim to love you, because, well, you know, you drive them to it".

He needs to be gone from your day to day lives. I would think that life indoors would be a lot calmer for you all without his presence in it.

68degreesnorth · 21/10/2021 09:22

I'd seek counselling tomorrow - for all three of you. Make an urgent appointment x

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 09:22

I'd ask him to leave while you work out what needs to happen.

You need to protect your daughter.

It sounds like he's at the end of his tether too. I'd ask him to go and see his GP today and ask for some help.

68degreesnorth · 21/10/2021 09:24

@beautifulview couldn't agree more. Anyone can be pushed past breaking point. Seek help first. Then decide.

saleorbouy · 21/10/2021 12:00

Your daughters behaviour is the root cause of the problems and that needs to be analysed and resolved.
The reactive behaviour of your DH also requires immediate attention. He needs to admit lashing out is wrong, apologise to you and you daughter and seek anger management counselling.
Unfortunately you and your elder DD are stuck in the middle.

Original poster
anne2650 · 21/10/2021 12:11

Saleorbouy, we are stuck in the middle. Never any issues with older dd. All the arguments and dramas start from dd2. I've tried to get help for her but haven't got anywhere. I want to pay for a private assessment but they aren't taking on new cases until May 22. Gp no help whatsoever. School are going to do a dyslexia screen after half term.
I'm weary of it all.

OP posts:
LittleMo234 · 21/10/2021 12:23

I totally understand that you need help with DD and hope you get it very soon, but I also feel that DH needs anger management help.

Even if he can only find online help for now that would be a start, and an admission that his behaviour isn't acceptable. Until he can learn to control his 'short fuse' he needs to learn to remove himself from the room as soon as any trouble starts with DD.

Original poster
anne2650 · 21/10/2021 12:34

He does. I'm waiting for a charity to call me back. I'm hoping they can direct us to some help.

OP posts: