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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do

43 replies

anne2650 · 21/10/2021 06:57

Dd 12 has challenging behaviour at home. I'm waiting for an assessment. I try and manage her calmly when she's having a melt down but she can be quite cutting in the things that she says to us.
Dh has a short fuse and can't cope. Last night he lost it completely and started screaming at her how much he hates her and calling her a cow. If I hadn't moved in front of her, I think he would have hit her. My arm was hit in the process and is quite sore. He punched a hole in the wall and then broke down in tears.
Dd was obviously very scared and upset. He says we have let her get away with too much and there's no discipline. I do discipline her but I'm so convinced that something isn't quite right and she is perhaps on the spectrum. I get nervous when she starts and try to keep him away.
He has flipped before and is of the depressive type especially when things are going wrong.
We've been together a long time and otherwise have a very happy marriage but I don't know if we can carry on like this as I know Dd and him are not going to change.
We also have another dd who is 13
Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

layladomino · 21/10/2021 13:45

Your DH was completely in the wrong. I don't care how much a child misbehaves, you NEVER hit them or yell that you hate them, or punch holes in the wall in front of them.

It's even possible that your DH anger has affected your DD and she would be better behaved if she didn't live with him.

But whatever you are able to find out about your DD and whatever treatment / support you can get if appropriate (and I hope you do, and soon) that won't change the fact that your DH is angry, aggressive, violent, and doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for his own actions.

I wouldn't want either child to be left alone with him. I couldn't look at him the same after that behaviour.

stealthninjamum · 21/10/2021 13:52

Op have you seen if someone else can assess her? Paedetricians are stretched in my area but there are a few so perhaps you could get on the waiting list of an alternative provider.

Have you looked for training courses for whatever you think she has? I have booked an online one recently for pda (a type of autism) and there are quite a lot around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2021 13:58

Do you need to see someone for yourself? If you’ve got bruises have you taken a photo?

None of you are safe if this is what he does when he gets angry. He needs to go, today. What if you’re not near enough next time he decides to lash out and tries to hit her again?

If he succeeds you’ll both have questions to answer as you’re not protecting your children if you’re knowingly keeping them under the same roof as a violent man.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 14:04

Read up on borderline personality disorder. See if it seems relevant to your daughter. I'd pursue that over autism as a diagnosis IF her behaviour seems deliberately vindictive. Though I'm not sure it can be diagnosed officially this young.

Original poster

anne2650 · 21/10/2021 15:58

I've taken a picture of my arm although nothing really visible yet, just a bit painful.
I feel like shit especially as I've had no sleep. I'm gutted that we're in this position and I haven't a dam clue what's ahead.

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 21/10/2021 18:05

@Pinkbonbon

Please tell me you’re kidding.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 18:40

@NotaCoolMum

Why?

If the kid is displaying disturbing and vindictive behaviour then it could be an underlying personality disorder beginning to form and that shit needs caught as early as possible.

It's not like I'm saying dads behaviour was remotely acceptable. I'm just saying that assuming their is not a link (or even if there is) the kid needs to see a shrink, fast.

By all means, boot him out also though.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 18:40

*there

TheChip · 21/10/2021 18:43

[quote Pinkbonbon]@NotaCoolMum

Why?

If the kid is displaying disturbing and vindictive behaviour then it could be an underlying personality disorder beginning to form and that shit needs caught as early as possible.

It's not like I'm saying dads behaviour was remotely acceptable. I'm just saying that assuming their is not a link (or even if there is) the kid needs to see a shrink, fast.

By all means, boot him out also though.[/quote]
Do you not find the link between dh and dd behaviour being so similar to be more of a connection than a personality disorder?

category12 · 21/10/2021 18:44

Seems a bit of a leap from challenging behaviour, meltdowns and cutting remarks to "vindictive" & "disturbing, and to BPD (which is a dubious diagnosis at the best of times IMO) at twelve.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 18:45

Cluster b personalities can run in families. So it could be nature or nurture.

But we don't know that ops partner has ever behaved this way before. Where as we do know that the kid has displayed this behaviour for a while. Not to say there couldn't have been stuff that's happened that op wasn't aware of between the two of course.

Sparklfairy · 21/10/2021 18:46

Punching a wall (and you) is not discipline.

He can't control himself and needs to go. This whole dynamic is making things much much worse.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 18:46

@category12

Seems a bit of a leap from challenging behaviour, meltdowns and cutting remarks to "vindictive" & "disturbing, and to BPD (which is a dubious diagnosis at the best of times IMO) at twelve.

Personality disorders form as young as 2-4. They just aren't diagnosed until adulthood.

category12 · 21/10/2021 18:52

I don't know what basis you have for the "vindictive" either.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2021 18:56

@category12

'She can be quite cutting in the things she says to us'.

I know the instinct might be 'oh she is only twelve' but we were all 12 once and we all knew 12 year old bullies that were bloody rotten and the adults just made that 'they're just a kid' excuse. It's bs. Maybe if their parents had got them some help then they would have grown out of it.

We need to stop burying our head in the sand with the notion that kids are all sweetness and light. Op has said clearly that her kid is being really difficult. Luckily she is at an age where something can still be done if action is taken swiftly.

TheChip · 21/10/2021 19:02

Her dad is also cutting in his words so it could easily be learned behaviour.

I dont see who is burying their heads.

category12 · 21/10/2021 19:05

'She can be quite cutting in the things she says to us'.

Staggering leap to "vindictive" if that's all you've got. Saying hurtful things is within the realms of normal for children and teenagers.

me4real · 21/10/2021 19:06

Wow OP, he hit you and his punch was intended for your child.

You have to separate from him. xx

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