Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To end the marriage because of in-laws?

32 replies

fugde08 · 20/10/2021 23:11

I don't want it to go on like this anymore. I have an awful relationship with my in-laws. I find my mother-in law bitchy, snide and jealous. She has basically been a doormat for her husband for the past 35 years and is angry at the world because of it. My father in law is controlling, aggressive and everything in his life revolves around money. My sister-in law is a trouble maker and also a jealous cow and my brother in law is the most selfish man I've ever met.

Despite all of this my husband defends them all the time, even when they treat me like He says he didn't hear when they say snide remarks, or they didn't mean it in that way. When I heard the mother in law over the phone slagging off the in laws over money, I even heard him agreeing with her!

He is a very kind man, shy and a lovely husband otherwise and dad, I just find him absolutely spineless when it comes to his family and I feel like he reverts back to being a child. He is much too dependent on them for my liking, he is constantly ringing for advice or asking his dad to come over and help with some DIY. The dad isn't talking to me atm btw, but will happily take the cup of teas and food I make them!

I just feel trapped and absolutely powerless. I don't want to split up our family but I don't want to have to endure them for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/10/2021 23:16

YANBU.

Respect is huge in a marriage and your husband is not lovely.

He is spineless, weak, two faced, and fundamentally selfish.

He does what is best for him.

Should anything happen to you, he won't have your back.

Stop feeling trapped and start planning and stop bringing food to your FIL.

Let your wimp of a husband do it.
Flowers

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/10/2021 23:19

Well for starters stop making them cups of tea and food! Sod that.

Avoid them - go out if they come over or go upstairs or have a bath or whatever

Refuse to go to their house or attend any family functions

Most of all, tell your husband his his family make you feel and let him know that he is threatening your marriage by ignoring it

beautifulview · 21/10/2021 09:12

Could you move abroad? Is that an option? Move a long way from them? Anywhere. Put at least 6 hours driving between you and them

StopGo · 21/10/2021 09:18

Your DH isn't a kind man or decent husband and father. He's happy for you and others to be treated badly, he even joins in with his mother's gossiping.

HollowTalk · 21/10/2021 09:23

I don't think we realise how important family is until we're embedded in someone's family and realise we can't stand them. If they are having a huge impact on your life then it might be time to live separately.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 21/10/2021 09:23

Don't end it because of them, end it if your DH is not willing to step up and put boundaries in place.

And yes, stop the tea and food, it just confirms that they don't respect you and see you as a server instead of their Sons wife

Bluebells34 · 21/10/2021 09:31

Sounds so much like my Ex. His mother was controlling, made bitchy nasty comments that he 'never heard' and also reverted back to a whimpering pathetic child in their presence but presnted as a bully when he was on his own with me.
I was a first time mother and MIL demanded to have my daughter for the weekend a week after I gave birth. She watched - critisized and turned up unannounced all of the time - he was at work so she could say as many nasty bitchy things wit no one in ear shot. She made judgments on my looks, weight and relationship with her son.
I asked my partner to politely tell her to back off and give me some space as a new mother but he was too spineless to do this - I wrote her a letter trying to explain but of course I was the bad guy.
It broke our relationship - naively I thought I was in a relationship with my partner prodomently and never realised I would have to see this awful woman every day

Rainbow0821 · 21/10/2021 10:03

My marriage ended and one of the biggest reasons was the MIL. She was the most poisonous person, it sounds dramatic but I really felt some awful dark aura around her, she gave me the chills. My marriage ending early destroyed me as I lost my husband, the love of my life. But 10 years later, my life is better than ever, I really am through the other side and glad I am away from this woman for my own sanity, anxiety and mental health.

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 21/10/2021 10:18

You aren’t really ending it because of your in-laws. It’s because of your husband’s behaviour.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 21/10/2021 10:21

This is fascinating.
Total support for you and I agree on every point made.
Replace in law with step child and an entirely different response but essentially exactly the same.

Bluebells34 · 21/10/2021 10:26

She is probably jealous of you and one of those awful mothers that pander over their son thinking no woman is good enough
She has lived her married life and is being selfish

BarbedButterfly · 21/10/2021 10:34

No, I totally get this. It isn't so much your inlaws as your partner's inability to stand up to them and make you feel safe, secure and important. One of my relationships ended because I was in a similar situation. His mother just couldn't accept anyone else being important to him. I know through the grapevine that 15 years on he is still single and his mother is still a nightmare.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 21/10/2021 10:37

You’re not finishing it because of your in laws

Your finishing it because of your crap and weak dh

Marelle · 21/10/2021 10:39

Why do you have to endure them? Stop contacting them and block their phone numbers. Go out if they come over. On the rare occasion you have to be in the same room, say hello then ignore them. I’m very low contact with my in-laws because they’re awful, it’s really not hard to cut them out of your life.

Bluebells34 · 21/10/2021 10:42

How often do you see them? You don't have to go on holiday with them do you?
It was every weekend for me and all holidays - complete and utter night mare
In the week I used to hide in the bathroom with my baby hoping she did not cry - the witch was so persistant she would knock on the door for ages. I went to every mother and baby group going just t be out of the house.
Very difficult to cut out of your life when the whimpering son is under their thumb - still

DomPom47 · 21/10/2021 10:45

What would breaking up mean practically for you? Would he be able to help with children, would you be able to manage financially?
Or could you just avoid them?

Viviennemary · 21/10/2021 10:47

I would just ignore them. Make yourself scarce when they visit and certainly don't visit them.

arootintootingoodtime · 21/10/2021 10:47

You wouldn't be ending it because of your in-laws, but because of your 'D'H doesn't have your back.

It seems like he's in "FOG" (outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt) - would he agree to counselling with you?

5zeds · 21/10/2021 10:51

I agree with PP you need to relocate.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 21/10/2021 11:01

Relocate?

Wtaf

Bluebells34 · 21/10/2021 11:04

@5zeds
I agree with PP you need to relocate.

But she would probably arrange a long weekend with them!! - she won't gve up. And to move and distupt the childrens schools/friends, work etc becuae of her seems so wrong

Feelingparanoid · 21/10/2021 11:14

@Rainbow0821

My marriage ended and one of the biggest reasons was the MIL. She was the most poisonous person, it sounds dramatic but I really felt some awful dark aura around her, she gave me the chills. My marriage ending early destroyed me as I lost my husband, the love of my life. But 10 years later, my life is better than ever, I really am through the other side and glad I am away from this woman for my own sanity, anxiety and mental health.
Occasionally when my ex MIL and ex SIL got together and acted like bitchy banshees, slagging off women behind their backs, they would kind of stick their faces towards me - weird. I started having visions of The Screamby Munch. I don't mean imagined visions, I literally saw the painting instead of their faces. Barmy, but I guess similar to seeing a dark aura?!

OP, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to talk to your husband and tell him that their behaviour is driving you to the brink of wanting a divorce.

MintJulia · 21/10/2021 11:16

YANBU. If your DH doesn't have your back, marriage is a terribly lonely place.

You can't be happily married to someone you don't respect, and if you view your husband as spineless, then you are already there.

I think you need to compile some evidence, record some of their comments and put your DH on the spot. Present him with irrefutable evidence. If he refuses to even acknowledge their behaviour, then you need to be ready to leave. Perhaps the threat will jolt your DH into action but don't count on it.

Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear. Sad

starrynight87 · 21/10/2021 11:20

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He may not know how important this is to you.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2021 11:24

You wouldn’t be ending the marriage because of your in laws, it would be because your husband is spineless.
It can be really hard to break away from a controlling family but if he doesn’t see the problem and won’t address it then you have to accept things as they are or split up