To end the marriage because of in-laws?

[fugde08]

I don't want it to go on like this anymore. I have an awful relationship with my in-laws. I find my mother-in law bitchy, snide and jealous. She has basically been a doormat for her husband for the past 35 years and is angry at the world because of it. My father in law is controlling, aggressive and everything in his life revolves around money. My sister-in law is a trouble maker and also a jealous cow and my brother in law is the most selfish man I've ever met.

Despite all of this my husband defends them all the time, even when they treat me like He says he didn't hear when they say snide remarks, or they didn't mean it in that way. When I heard the mother in law over the phone slagging off the in laws over money, I even heard him agreeing with her!

He is a very kind man, shy and a lovely husband otherwise and dad, I just find him absolutely spineless when it comes to his family and I feel like he reverts back to being a child. He is much too dependent on them for my liking, he is constantly ringing for advice or asking his dad to come over and help with some DIY. The dad isn't talking to me atm btw, but will happily take the cup of teas and food I make them!

I just feel trapped and absolutely powerless. I don't want to split up our family but I don't want to have to endure them for the rest of my life.

He is spineless however family dynamics are very complicated and he may feel powerless.
Apart from making him choose between you, the only thing you can do is to tell him to pursue whatever relationship he wants, as long as you are not involved. That means he goes to their house and they don’t invade your home/space. This gets more difficult if/when kids are involved though, so seriously consider if it’s all worth it and would you be better off out of it all completely.

I would not accept people being disrespectful to me in any way, shape or form. Don’t put up with it.

What is the relationship like with the grandchildren and MIL / FIL ?
something else to consider?

Your in-laws sound shitty. They're wearing you down, and you're an adult. Now try to imagine being a small child, growing up with them as your parents. Even worse, huh?

"He is a very kind man, shy and a lovely husband otherwise and dad, I just find him absolutely spineless when it comes to his family and I feel like he reverts back to being a child."
Yes, he does revert back. He reverts to the small frightened child who learned to placate his parents, to jump when they said jump, or his life would be even more unpleasant than it already was.

It's easy to look at the situation and see him as spineless - but it's easy because you didn't grow up having parents like that in control of every aspect of your life. He did. They shaped his world, and the world they shaped, shaped him. He has been damaged by his upbringing in ways those of us with normal parents cannot imagine.

There is a name for all this - FOG. It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. There's a lot of information out there, I think it would be helpful to you to have a look at it. It will help you to see why he behaves towards them as he does. It might help you to see a way to change the dynamics.

It's very hard to respect someone when you see them as spineless. And if you cannot respect them, I believe your love for them dies. It may be that you're already at that point, since you're considering ending your marriage. And it may well be the best for all concerned. But before you make that decision, maybe consider if there might be another way. Counselling for your husband to help him deal with the FOG, going low or even no contact with his parents - these might also achieve the life that you want (for you, him and the children).

And for starters, stop making tea and food for someone who's not speaking to you.

Thank you all so much for your responses and support, I can't believe how many people have been in similar situations.

Unfortunately, they only live down the road in the next village and have they have to drive past ours to get to anywhere. So they call at ours about twice a week. I do try my best to avoid them but it gets a bit draining having to hide or go out from them.

My husband should have set up the boundaries from the start, but he didn't and this is why I think they think they get away with treating me with contempt. I have told him I feel and said if it continues I will leave, I don't know how though because financially I'm totally dependent on him being a SAHM. I have suggested counselling and he laughed it off, I might suggest it more seriously again.

Or the alternative is to move away, I just don't want to move further away from my mum and dad (who live about 45 minutes away now).

Thanks for making me feel like I'm not going crazy!

My in-laws are vile, very similar behaviour to yours. I used to have to hide when they turned up unannounced, me, the dog and the baby all behind the sofa as all they would do is criticise me/my weight (I was a size 12)/my baby and fuck that shit. We moved half way around the world. Worked a treat!!

Move an hour at least beyond your parents. Give your husband the experience of not being in that situation and I think he will see everything more clearly. You can be happy, they can visit rarely and by arrangement and none of you have to experience any of this.

I had some sympathy for your DH if he is in FOG, but he laughed off your suggestion of counselling - does he think your unhappiness is funny?

He seems to have a much greater feeling of obligation towards his parents than you his wife. If you state in black and white what they do and how you feel, what does he say? Have you pointed out that as his wife, his first commitment should be to you. He should have your back first and foremost?