Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

The ex wife

29 replies

Ohdear12345 · 20/10/2021 09:05

I've been with my partner a while now and he was married for over 20 years beforehand. They've been divorced 5 years and have 2 sons aged 18 and 15. I'm also divorced with 3 small boys.

My partners ex wife is still very much in love with him and calls him pretty much daily crying and needing his emotional support. He has no boundaries in place with her due to the guilt he carries on leaving her. She dictates how our relationship works, she asks him to do errands on the days she knows we are due to meet, she rings whenever I'm over for hour long crying phonecalls, she even banned him from seeing me during lockdown over Christmas as she told him I might give their kids covid. He goes along with everything as he is worried she will stop him from seeing the boys or badmouth him to them...she's done both before. But it leaves me frustrated. I have a great relationship with my ex so none of these issues. Has anyone else dealt with a difficult ex wife and partner who won't stand up to them? What did you do?

OP posts:

CorrBlimeyGG · 20/10/2021 09:11

Your partner is keeping his options open.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/10/2021 09:13

Send him back to his ex wife.
The only control she has over him is what he allows her to have.

TheQueef · 20/10/2021 09:14

Ex wife is a red herring.
To use a mnet stalwart, you have a DP problem.

rosed1008 · 20/10/2021 09:18

I just asked my husband how he cut off his ex emotionally but kept communication open about his son. She had trouble not relying on him for emotional support for a while after they split.

He said anything about her he wouldnt respond to or would end the conversation and say "perhaps you should talk to your sister/friend about this". Anything about his son or things like divorce etc he would respond straightaway and amicably. Took a little while but it eventually did stop. And they are still ok, she even thanked him eventually because it gave her the space to move on.

Good luck OP, sounds tough. Hope you get it sorted in one way or another.

Soontobe60 · 20/10/2021 09:21

Why are you complaining about his ex? Surely it’s him who’s being the dick here. He doesn’t have to answer the phone to her, or stay in for over an hour, or do anything she says!

ancientgran · 20/10/2021 09:24

@rosed1008

I just asked my husband how he cut off his ex emotionally but kept communication open about his son. She had trouble not relying on him for emotional support for a while after they split.

Good luck OP, sounds tough. Hope you get it sorted in one way or another.

That sounds a brilliant way to deal with it.

Flumpyfish · 20/10/2021 09:25

His children are 15 and 18. If they want to see their dad, they will see him, no matter what she tries to do to prevent them.

He is choosing to do this and he is choosing to keep putting her before you. His children would have been a good excuse if they were younger, but one is an adult.

Come on, OP, do you really believe the ex wife could stop an 18 year old from seeing who they want to see?

CrushedPistachios · 20/10/2021 09:27

How long have you been together?

Youcancallmeval · 20/10/2021 09:28

Your partner is being very wet and making ridiculous excuses.

girlmom21 · 20/10/2021 09:29

There's absolutely no reason at all for them to have contact.

It sounds like she might not be the only one who's not over her ex.

cheshirebloke · 20/10/2021 09:31

I had this issue with my ex. Everytime I started dating someone else she'd go out of her way to be difficult, threaten to relocate to the other end of the country with the kids, all sorts. Mother's with custody weaponise the kids far to often.

However, your partner is pandering to her. He really needs to grow a pair and stand up to her. Tell her to only contact him if it's about the children, and to keep it to text. Their kids are old enough to see through any games she might try - she's not going to be able to stop a 15 yo from seeing their dad.

Original poster

Ohdear12345 · 20/10/2021 09:36

Thanks for the responses, some great suggestions. Absolutely no concerns over him going back to her (for a variety of reasons). Falling into the old patterns of control that they had in their marriage is more the reason, she makes him feel guilty and uses this to control him.

I like the only communicate about the kids idea and will suggest that.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 20/10/2021 09:36

You have a "D"P problem.

Your partner's children are an adult and mid-teen.

If they don't want to see him then they can't be forced to see him by anyone including a Court.

If they want to come and live with him then they can do so.

Your partner has decided not to put down boundaries with his ex-wife.

However you can put down boundaries with your partner.

Tell him that as his children are old enough to sort out contact with him directly. Then tell him if he is going to do anything with his ex-wife when he has arranged to see you, not to contact you ever again.

Then find someone else who is actually into you.

mrsbitaly · 20/10/2021 09:37

His children are at an age where they can choose to see their father so he shouldn't be concerned about not being able to see them.

How are you ever able to move forward if she keeps behaving like this and he keeps allowing it.

I'm sorry but he's putting you 2nd and it's wrong. It's been years and had he set boundaries maybe she would have moved on but the door is ajar and it's giving her false hope as he's putting her first before you, becking to her every call and demands.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 20/10/2021 09:41

The 18 year old is an adult. There needs to be zero communication about him (excusing him becoming very unwell or something). He’s a grown man and is free to do as he chooses. That only leaves the 15 year old, I’m assuming he has his own phone. I can’t imagine there’s much to say about him either. Anything else, your husband hangs up. She’s only phoning him because he’s humouring her. Once he stops, she’ll stop.

Tiramiwho · 20/10/2021 09:50

Did he leave her for you?

ErickBroch · 20/10/2021 09:52

I don't see a way around it other than leaving him to be honest! It won't get better.

Original poster

Ohdear12345 · 20/10/2021 09:53

Tiramiwho no, they had been divorced 5 years before he met me but I am his first partner since.

OP posts:

PinkFizz1 · 20/10/2021 09:59

@Flumpyfish

His children are 15 and 18. If they want to see their dad, they will see him, no matter what she tries to do to prevent them.

He is choosing to do this and he is choosing to keep putting her before you. His children would have been a good excuse if they were younger, but one is an adult.

Come on, OP, do you really believe the ex wife could stop an 18 year old from seeing who they want to see?

I came to say exactly this.

Also, how long have you been together? How long is 'a while'?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/10/2021 10:32

Sorry OP, but I think you have your fingers in your ears as it's not what you want to hear.

Another vote for 'you have a DP' problem. He needs to put these boundaries in place. The fact that he hasn't, and continues puts you second to her would have massive alarm bells ringing for me. And it shows massive disrespect for you.

LemonTT · 20/10/2021 10:46

In reality trying to stop a well adjusted teen or a young adult doing anything will backfire. Trying to get in their heads is impossible as well. Unless your boyfriend laid solid foundations for them to think badly of him then she won’t be able to interfere in their relationship.

However and it’s a big however, these children may have been subjected to quite a lot of emotional manipulation by their mother. They could be in a state of FOG endlessly trying to please her or not get in her bad books. Which is how your boyfriend says he still is.

I think you need to take a good long look at what type of person he is and whether you want someone like that in your life. It’s not just going to about big things, he will be passive about everything and that will place a burden on you. If you like being on control and doing everything then it will work. He will expect you to fight the battle with his ex and simultaneously undermine both of you. Because he will never take a side.

Getting her to back off won’t be the end of your problems. From her or him. Unless he is able to assert his position as a father and an ex.

Salayes · 20/10/2021 10:46

I agree with the others, sorry. Young kids for the first few months after a split I can understand being cautious and maybe even a bit after that if the ex partner is bad mouthing or withholding contact/making it difficult.

But five + years on and the kids at their ages? He’s doing it not just because he feels guilty or to make his life easier but because he is getting something out of it. I don’t believe for one second he is holding onto guilt after so many years or he is truly worried he will lose contact with his children.

Maybe he likes two women competing for him. Maybe he likes to play at being married still as it is good for his self-image. Maybe he is keeping you at arms length by pandering to her. Maybe he likes feeling like a white knight and if he let her go properly he doesn’t get to feel that way.

Whatever it is, at this stage his motives are about him. Not his kids, not you and not her. If he truly cared about her he would have stoped this long ago to allow her to move on and not have false hope and remain stuck in this pseudo marriage. Sorry but it’s not her that is the problem, it’s him.

Hattiehottie · 20/10/2021 10:54

You can suggest what you like, it won't change anything. He is choosing to keep this level of interaction in his life.

This is on him, not her. I have a feeling you're in danger of doing the pick me dance with this guy.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 20/10/2021 11:55

Agree with others. He's keeping that relationship going because he wants to. It must be nice for him to feel so needed.

He's keeping your relationship going by feeding you the line about the kids being turned against him. 5 and 18 year old really do have a tendency to make up their own minds. Sounds like he's picked up some manipulative tricks of his own.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 20/10/2021 11:56

15 and 18 year olds....

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread