Having major doubts about bf and expecting baby in 2 weeks

[amy3423]

Hey, I'm 25 my bf is also 25. I am pregnant with our daughter due in 2 weeks! We have been together just over 2 years. We decided to move in together prematurely at the start of lockdown. This went fine and we were really happy. He is really fun to be around and always makes me laugh. However tbh whenever we have a serious conversation he just kinda diffuses it and we just never really finish it. Like if I do want to talk to him about something serious he just kinda says something lighthearted and funny and we just never do and he turns it into a much smaller thing. Which to some extent is great but in other ways not so great. Tbh I kinda feel now I may have been not thinking about this as he was so great in other ways. I kinda feel now that we're just about to have a baby and we have a great physical connection and we have a lot in common and we get on so well together and have a lot of fun, but we lack that really deep emotional connection. Tbh I also think that we decided to have a baby without really discussing it properly and also in part as we moved in together so spontaneously and early in our relationship that we thought yeah this will all be great without properly thinking it through. He still makes me laugh but I am doubting whether having a child with him was right. I think maybe he is a bit immature. He hasn't really shown that much interest in the baby tbh and a couple of times he's had some big panic attacks and I know he's super nervous. Some times he has a big panic attack where he gets super nervous and stressed and says there is no way we can do it. But usually when I talk to him he's just like it'll be fine we'll muddle through and it is so frustrating I just want him to talk properly about his feelings. Not sure how I can get him to open up. Also he has been out on a night out on his own a few times and not got back till like 4am super drunk. I've talked to him about it and he just said well I'm not going to be able to do this in a few weeks am I so may as well make the most of it now. Like we've never really had to have serious conversations and I feel really like we need to and its not good and I don't really know how to with him. I know in lots of ways he'll be a great dad as he is great with kids in lots of ways and he would be great in terms of playing with them and going out for day trips, but in other ways I don't think he would. Not sure what I can really do and seriously doubting what the future with him holds which is not good given the circumstances! Also I am now considering whether to give the baby my surname. I feel really bad doing that to him and I haven't talked to him about it or his family but I feel like I want to have the same name as our child and also I am worried that maybe something will happen to us and then I won't be able to change it. Not sure if this is right or if I am being unfair and selfish here? I just feel like this is not where a relationship should be 2 weeks before having a baby.

Give the baby your surname if you wish, that's up to you.

As for your relationship, there's no stopping this train for the moment, so my advice is to relax for now and see how things are after the baby arrives. Many men your partner's age aren't poster children for maturity. It's not unusual for young men to take a bit longer to fully join adulthood. From what you've written, he seems like a decent bloke, not great at communication about serious things, but that can be worked on and improved.

If I were you, I would put your concerns on the back burner for the immediate future and focus on your baby. After a decent period of adjustment with becoming parents, you'll have a better idea what you want and need to do. If you can go to relationship counselling to work on your communication, that would be great.

Yes of course give baby your surname, that’s traditional. And no of course you don’t need to talk to anyone about it. It’s your baby not his family’s.

There's no reason to give the baby his surname. You aren't married and he isn't the one that's gotta push it out.

The baby gets your surname. You aren’t married and it doesn’t sound like you have done any long term legal and financial planning in lieu of marriage.

As for the relationship, I wouldn’t worry about it at all for at least 6-12 months. If he is a decent coparent, that is really all you need to start. If he continues with the drunken nights or in other ways makes parenting more difficult, then you can ask him to leave.

It's a bit late for most of this. The surname conversation should have been had months ago, preferably before you conceived. Regardless, I don't think you much choice except to stay put and see how things are once the baby arrives.

@DriftingBlue

The baby gets your surname. You aren’t married and it doesn’t sound like you have done any long term legal and financial planning in lieu of marriage.

As for the relationship, I wouldn’t worry about it at all for at least 6-12 months. If he is a decent coparent, that is really all you need to start. If he continues with the drunken nights or in other ways makes parenting more difficult, then you can ask him to leave.

Absolutely this. I also don’t think there’s a ‘surname conversation’ to have, it’s ridiculous an unmarried young man who hasn’t made any lasting commitment should expect your baby to have his name. Tradition is baby has your name.

I don't mean that they should have negotiated it. I just meant that he should be aware of her decision in advance, rather than not knowing what his own child's full name will be until he sees it on the birth certificate. Though that's really the least of the things OP shouldn't have let go until two weeks before her due date.

@PurpleOkapi agree it shouldn’t be a surprise. Again for the op there’s no need to be defensive about raising this late though- I’d more take an incredulous tone ‘you mean that all these months you’ve just been assuming this baby I’m growing and giving birth to will have your name? We are not married and of course I’m not just giving this baby your name, they will have my name. I’m sorry if that upsets you but I don’t understand why you expected this. There is no tradition that says an unmarried man can expect his name to be carried on to his children, it’s totally the opposite.’

Oh love, don't worry! My DH was 33 when we had our first baby and he was absolutely hopeless when I was pregant, and not especially brilliant during the birth,, but he is an amazing dad now. It's very common for men to not share the realities/excitement of pregnancy with their partner. Hopefully your DH is going to attend some pre-natal classes with you? And be your birth partner? This will help a lot. Seeing your baby arrive in the world makes it very real.

As for giving your baby your surname, that seems fine to me. You aren't married. The baby can take your partner's surname later, if you both want.

Cat's out of the bag now. You should stop fretting about the boyfriend and instead focus all that energy on preparing for the baby. You don't really have any control over whether your bf will be the dad you imagined for your kid. If you wanted to be a little more assured of him and the relationship you would have waited a little more than a year into the relationship and ideally until he showed a bit more committment to you, via marriage. Hope it all works you!

Oh, and give baby your surname.

DEFINITELY give the baby your surname. One of my friends sensibly did this, she and her partner are still together so it doesn't mean you won't last as a couple.

Another of my friends gave her children her boyfriend's surname, he had affairs, they split up, he has little to do with the kids, she is disappointed that her kids don't have her surname (and have his!)

Good luck. Take things day by day, but also look after your own ability to regain independence if you need to.

Kindly, it's a bit late in the day to question whether all this was a good idea as it's done and it's happening. All of those worries could come to nothing and he turns out to be a great dad and partner. It's also very normal to have a bit of a 'oh shit what I have done' moment when the reality of impending baby and motherhood set in.

I would absolutely give the baby your surname however.

Thanks everyone! I feel bad for questioning everything now and am regretting not waiting another year a little bit. But he is a great guy and I love him and I am super excited to meet our daughter. I think it'll be great just having a few doubts and a few things I overlooked ig

Give the baby your surname. That's not something you're doing to him but for your daughter.

Concentrate on your baby, the relationship will be what it will be.

Congratulations and good luck

In terms of the surname I'm pretty sure he'll be fine with that as he is just super relaxed and chilled out about everything. But I am more worried about his parents and whether they might think it was disrespectful and they are just a bit less chilled out! Is it really normal to take the mum's surname though? I know that's what automatically happens but I thought pretty much everyone puts the father's name on the certificate. I know a lot of mums who don't have their child's surname but almost no dads who don't. I'm just worried also even though I know he'll say its fine that he'll feel bad about it and he might feel awkward answering questions about why the baby doesn't have his surname. Tbh I would feel awkward answering that question. And like I'm worried that he'll feel like maybe he isn't as much a part of it all than me but idk maybe I'm over thinking this.

It is normal yes.

I had two children 'out of wedlock' and gave both my surname.

His parents didn't like it. Thought I was a razy feminist and disrespectful. Blah blah...

Not their baby, not their choice. They can Ave whatever opinion they like.

The baby takes the mother's last name. If you and he marry at a later date and if you choose to take his name, then you can reapply for the birth certificate in your new last name.

I think a lot of unmarried mum's give the baby their dad's last name as a way of showing them how important they are even though they're not married. Or maybe as a way of encouraging them to be a responsible father. I don't know. It does seem to have become a 'thing'! But it's not tradition.

@GreyCarpet

It is normal yes.

I had two children 'out of wedlock' and gave both my surname.

His parents didn't like it. Thought I was a razy feminist and disrespectful. Blah blah...

Not their baby, not their choice. They can Ave whatever opinion they like.

The baby takes the mother's last name. If you and he marry at a later date and if you choose to take his name, then you can reapply for the birth certificate in your new last name.

I think a lot of unmarried mum's give the baby their dad's last name as a way of showing them how important they are even though they're not married. Or maybe as a way of encouraging them to be a responsible father. I don't know. It does seem to have become a 'thing'! But it's not tradition.

It may technically be tradition but traditionally unmarried couples didn't have children? Like my perception was that most couples give the baby the dad's name and if that is my perception then its likely to be the perception of lots of other people too. Like I don't want his parents to be unhappy I know it is my choice but I don't want to have a bad relationship with them. And I do want to show him how important he is to the baby and also to encourage him to be a responsible father so I do want both those things.

Yes, but giving the baby his name is not going to actually do either of those things.

What will show him you value him as a parent and encourage him to be a responsible father are things like trusting him to care for the baby alone rather than micromanaging him and telling him how he should be doing it; sharing the load; discussing things about the baby together; seeking each other's opinion, listening and compromising where you have differing opinions.

The are the important things.

If you think about it, you've done the hard work for 9 months, you'll be going through labour, you'll likely he doing the majority of the baby related grunt work.

So why does he get to have the privilege of the baby being named after him but you don't?

You don't want to upset him and his family but where are your feelings valued in this?

And, put bluntly, if you and he split up, you will likely be the primary carer.

If he wants the baby to have his last name, he needs to show commitment (ie marriage).

It's not a gift for you to bestow upon him.

And his parents will get over it. My children's father's parents did - and the selfishness that was me breastfeeding; and not letting them stay overnght at theirs alone when they were weeks old; and refusing to only dress my daughter in pink and all the other things I/we did that pussed them off

The point isnthat his parents will be pissed off any times over about many parenting choices you make that don't centre them over the years.

You get really good at developing a thick skin and smiling and saying, "We'll think about it," when yu have no intention of doing anything of the sort.

But you also need to set the boundaries early on.

This is your baby. You make the final decision.

Why don’t you give the baby both your surnames?

He hasn't shown you YOU are important and valued by marrying you so you don't owe him the consideration.

If you wish you could give them your partners surname as a middle name, it would be a nice gesture. But absolutely no to his surname. And if he or his parents actually have the fucking audacity to have a problem with that, then they are shitty people and i woilsnt want my kid having their surname anyway.

What parent wouldn't say 'I completely understand, you and my son aren't married so there is no reason for the child to have our surname' ? Dickheads that's who.

@amy3423

In terms of the surname I'm pretty sure he'll be fine with that as he is just super relaxed and chilled out about everything. But I am more worried about his parents and whether they might think it was disrespectful and they are just a bit less chilled out! Is it really normal to take the mum's surname though? I know that's what automatically happens but I thought pretty much everyone puts the father's name on the certificate. I know a lot of mums who don't have their child's surname but almost no dads who don't. I'm just worried also even though I know he'll say its fine that he'll feel bad about it and he might feel awkward answering questions about why the baby doesn't have his surname. Tbh I would feel awkward answering that question. And like I'm worried that he'll feel like maybe he isn't as much a part of it all than me but idk maybe I'm over thinking this.

It's got nothing to do with his parents.

And as no doubt you'll be doing all the medical/nursery/school stuff it makes far more sense for the baby to have the same name as you.

Where have you been living?

There have been 'unmarried mothers' for decades.

Also, a rising number of women don't change their name on marriage either.

And as you're arguing with everyone so much, why are you asking?

Of course the baby should have your name, you’d be crazy to give her his name. If anyone asks, tell them it’s tradition. You can tell his parents that if you get married, you’d consider changing the babies name then. Don’t feel any guilt about other people’s expectations, they’re really not your problem.
Bending over backwards to please others, almost always leads to them disrespecting you, and it’s very hard to truly like someone you don’t respect.

Ok so I told him I'm going to give the baby my surname. He was just like 'alright that's cool' and literally that was it. I asked and he said his parents might be upset but it won't be a big deal.