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Original poster

Bit of advice, newish OLD relationship, ED.

66 replies

ArseulaUndressed · 19/10/2021 22:57

Hello, new to this site and not sure who to talk to in real life as no one I know has done any online dating and not massively comfortable talking about sex with my friends anyway.

Met a guy a couple of months ago who I share loads of common interests with and among other things in his profile said he was a hopeless romantic, seeks similar type thing which is my bag totally.
First date was lovely and indeed romantic (nice walk and he’d brought along a surprise picnic) second date another walk and he’d brought flowers.
In between we are getting on really well, lots of nice texts and calls.
Third date we went for dinner (he’d asked to “take me out for dinner”) and when the bill came said, are you ok to go halfs? I wasn’t expecting that but fine with it although it did jar a little if I’m honest.
4th date we dtd… kind of. He experienced ED. Said it was a common thing, apologies and went to sleep. Two months later we’ve attempted to dtd a few times but not quite managed, however each time he laughs and says the “little guy” isn’t up to it. And goes to sleep. On one occasion he suggested I try to orally satisfy him (I did but I felt v weird about this) but not once tried to satisfy me despite having to abandon me midway each time when he loses his erection.
He recently suggested we break off as he feels I’m not trying hard enough to help him with his ED and that I should try more to get him hard again.
I feel like we’ve gone from nice dates to me trying to please him in bed being our main focus 🤔 and his needs being placed first.

Sorry for tmi… any thoughts?

OP posts:
SpindelWhorl · 19/10/2021 23:52

I agree that sexual dysfunction is something that needs to be treated with sympathy and care; but in this case especially I'd take him up on his offer to break up. Immediately.

It's too soon, you're unhappy, he's probably pornified, he's not communicating properly and he's a bit of a life miser. Honestly, who could be arsed?

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 00:09

Yes.. miser is a good word. He would suggest coffee and then say can you get this as I got the last one???

But more sad, was he’d press his morning hard-on against me. The first time this happened we did try again (failed).

The next time i just tried to ignore/pretend not to notice and just got up but I felt really pressured, like “hey I’m ready for you now.”

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 20/10/2021 00:15

@ArseulaUndressed

Yes.. miser is a good word. He would suggest coffee and then say can you get this as I got the last one???

But more sad, was he’d press his morning hard-on against me. The first time this happened we did try again (failed).

The next time i just tried to ignore/pretend not to notice and just got up but I felt really pressured, like “hey I’m ready for you now.”

Well to be fair he did say he's a hopeless romantic 🤣🤣🤣
Begrateful · 20/10/2021 00:16

Time is a valuable asset, don't waste any more on him!

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 00:20

😂😂😂
The message has been sent and I’ve set to archive so no need to read any reply.
Life is far too short. Wtf was I thinking.
It just started so well 😞

OP posts:
GoIntoTheLight · 20/10/2021 01:26

So he's basically said, "you're the reason my dick is soft?" Wow, he really knows how to pull out all the stops to romance a lady.

Well done you, OP, for not wasting anymore time on this creep.

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 01:42

I knew this was a red flag but he gave several commercial reasons: drives a Toyota hilux and described it as a masculine car. .
Slagged off my mini (and laughed when I couldn’t reach the top shelf in supermarkets).

Absolutely a penis extension

I’ve always thought that was a bit of a piss take but spot on in this case.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 01:48

Gointothelught
No he did say he had issues, but that he expected me to do more to fix them. That his ex had seen it as a challenge and “went for it.”

He ended up going for viagra so I said, well, that didn’t really work, did it? Why would you expect me to solve it?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 20/10/2021 02:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HeartvsBrain · 20/10/2021 03:14

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Oh yuck, to the bin.... His ED likely caused by lifestyle/porn addiction etc and is not your problem to solve. The only person who can fix it, is him. His attitude reeks of entitlement. I suspect even if he could maintain an erection he would be an appallingly selfish lover. If he wants someone to focus on pleasing him in bed with no expectation of reciprocation, it will cost him a lot more than a picnic and flowers. That one needs to goes back into the pond.
@Ohsugarhoneyicetea sorry, but can I just make a little necessary adaptation to your post please? I feel very strongly that it should read "... That one needs to go back into the dark, grimey, slimey, murky pond that it crawled out of, and hopefully never find it's way to the surface ever again".
HeartvsBrain · 20/10/2021 03:21

@ArseulaUndressed

😂😂😂 The message has been sent and I’ve set to archive so no need to read any reply. Life is far too short. Wtf was I thinking. It just started so well 😞
Congratulations OP 🥳
smoko · 20/10/2021 04:04

Online dating is full of duds with ED - calling his penis the "little guy" made my skin crawl.

I do think 3 dates in you should be offering to pay, especially as it sounds like he was treating you for the 1st two dates.

By date 3 if someone hadn't offered to help pay I would personally think they were a bit of a user. The fact you were so shocked at the notion of paying sounds a little spoilt IMO.

It's also likely that because he has an ED & deficient in this area is the main reason you were treated for those 1st dates.

In my experience men with ED are always trying to overcompensate by being overly nice & giving cliche romantic gestures.

PyjamasOClock · 20/10/2021 06:49

Glad you've ended things OP. I've been seeing a guy for a similar length of time who has ED from medication for another condition. He is the most generous lover to me, and I have to tell him to stop apologising when things don't work out as he would like. The viagra is a little hit and miss, probably again related to his other meds. I think that should be your level of expectation if you meet someone else with the condition. Onto the next - hope it's a better experience!

GummyBearWhere · 20/10/2021 07:18

Oh yuk, run fast and don’t look back.

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 07:27

Smoko- pay for what exactly on the first 2 dates?

It was going for a walk. He brought a couple of packets of crisps and some fizzy drinks on the first one.
At the end of the 2nd one he gave me flowers. I was really touched and thought these were nice romantic gestures.

The dinner was our first proper date imo and we went 50/50. Our next coffee date I did offer to pay (and he accepted).
Each time after that we have gone 50/50 on dinner.
I am absolutely not tight at all, honestly. It just started to feel really like that was it, romance done with, now just service my needs. He would complain if I went home at the end of a night out, saying we should be building our love and that he felt I should do more in this regard - spend as many nights together as possible.

I couldn’t go from nothing to spending every evening with him as it made me feel really pressured.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 20/10/2021 09:26

He recently suggested we break off as he feels I’m not trying hard enough to help him with his ED and that I should try more to get him hard again

On one occasion he suggested I try to orally satisfy him (I did but I felt v weird about this) but not once tried to satisfy me despite having to abandon me midway each time when he loses his erection

Sorry for tmi… any thoughts?

Yes, leave him.

I actually laughed at some of this post at his utter cheek. The fact that he's starting to blame your lack of 'effort' for his willy problem 🤣

And on top of that, not even bothering to try and give you oral.......and then on top of THAT, expecting you to give him oral though. He deserves to be laughed at for that.

Say goodbye, and don't look back.

EarthSight · 20/10/2021 09:30

Then asking you to go 50/50 when he asked you out. My fanny would have dried up, turned to dust, and blew away

Maybe it wasn't intended, but this really made me laugh 🤣🤣🤣 @RantyAunty

MMmomDD · 20/10/2021 09:51

Do you need to ask, really?
Splitting the bill, fair enough.
Making sure his penis works - his responsibility really.
And if it doesn’t work - the least he can do is to (over)compensate and make sure you have the good time.
Romantic doesn’t equal taking and not giving anything.
And, btw most women would happily try to help out a guy with ED, at least foe a while, if they felt the man cares about their pleasure.
I’d tell him as much.
Plus I’d mention this wonderful recent invention - blue pill.

smoko · 20/10/2021 10:16

You said:

"Date 1: he’d brought along a surprise picnic" - so was it a picnic or is it now chips & soft drink?

Flowers bought on the 2nd date.

3rd date being "shocked" when asked to split bill.

Just saying am not sure why you were so shocked when you say you were treated for the first 2 dates.

Either way, as I said all the ED guys met via online dating felt like were using me as an experiment to help them get over their ED, rather than taking control of their own medical issues.

So for this would say he's a dud & let this one go back into the pond....

FlatteredFool · 20/10/2021 10:25

I'd love to know his reply. He sounds awful.

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 11:50

I said it jarred a little.
It was crisps a couple of cans of juice and a picnic rug. As I said all very nice and quite sweet.
Flowers on the second date (also a walk) which were lovely too and I thought that was quite romantic.

I suppose it was because he said he wanted to take me out for dinner so in my mind he’d have paid. I’m more than happy taking turns, honestly! I’m a generous person too and I love giving little thoughtful gifts etc. It wouldn’t have been take take take from me. I’d have got the next one.

It’s the ED thing.. that in itself is an issue but more so is him handing over dealing with it to me. The expectation that our sex life would be about getting him hard and ultimately his pleasure and that I need to work at it. I have zero experience with ED but I have also never had a partner who hasn’t I initiated our first sexual encounter by performing quite a bit of foreplay.
It’s obviously a big issue for him but going straight to “get me hard” kills all the vibes for me.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 20/10/2021 11:52

Oh christ no. He sounds like a fricking mare

Original poster
ArseulaUndressed · 20/10/2021 12:01

Thanks, I knew deep down it was crap but I felt really guilt tripped about the ED thing.
Like I was selfish (maybe that’s why that other post hit a nerve.

I don’t think I am selfish but maybe need to think more about that with the dating/paying.

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 20/10/2021 12:20

Christ you are well rid. He sounds awful. It's good that you recognised quite quickly that you deserve better Flowers

Naunet · 20/10/2021 14:43

@ArseulaUndressed

Thanks, I knew deep down it was crap but I felt really guilt tripped about the ED thing. Like I was selfish (maybe that’s why that other post hit a nerve.

I don’t think I am selfish but maybe need to think more about that with the dating/paying.

You’re not the selfish one here OP.
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