Always, always on his phone..

[Allypa]

Been with boyfriend 2 years.
We don't live together, both divorced. We see each other every 3 to 4 days for 3 to 4 days at a time. I sleep over at his because I don't have dc, he does.
Just recently, he is always, always on his phone. He texts, WhatsApp and emails all the time.
I appreciate he has a job, friends and life admin to sort, but he also has an exwife. It feels like invariably he is messaging her. They share 5050 custody of small kids so they message more or less daily.
I'm finding it really difficult.
I know its not anything lovey dovy because I've seen some message's and he's read others out when they've been arguing but I'm still jealous.
I literally feel sick once he gets his phone out.
He never tells me who he is messaging or talking too and I end up just sitting there till he's finished.
My exh didn't use a phone so I'm not used to this. Is this normal?
Are they all on their bloody phones?
Do I have a right to know who he is messaging?
I can't cope with this constant ball of anxiety in my stomach....

What are you getting out of this?.

Stop wasting any more time and effort on this person and dump him.

Just like that? Dump him , for being on his phone?
No discussion after 2 years, just dump him ?

I'd dump him, too. You can't change him. He could take it underground, but he'd still be doing it. I'd just say that I wasn't prepared to live like that so it's over.

No have a discussion. Say I don't see the point of coming here to sit in silence and watch you on your phone talking to other people for hours. It is extremely rude and feel as though I'm wasting my time coming here.

I can't believe you have said nothing for 2 years.

Tell him, to do his life asmin when your not about, you do.r feel appreciated or acknowledged.

If it doesn't change dump him

You're not dumping for being on his phone. You're dumping him for not being "present" when he's with you. An adult man would check his phone when it wasn't rude like when you weren't there.

It's only been in the last few months it's increased.

If I'm here for 3 days at a time then I accept a certain amount of life admin needs to be done.
However, it's the daily exw messages that really get to me to be truthful

Do something else. You don’t have to sit there waiting for him to finish. You are not a domestic appliance waiting for him to switch you on. Whenever the phone comes out, give it a set amount of minutes and then walk away, please do not sit there mutely waiting for your turn at some attention/interaction. And no phones at the table, ever.

It’s the sudden increase that would concern me most - his attention is obviously elsewhere.

He sounds boring. I'd stop going over to his so much.
I'd be hanging out with other friends and having fun rather than sit around watching him on his phone.

I'm in my mid 40s and honestly I feel like I'm so, so past my best and that I'll never meet anyone again. He's a lovely caring guy but I just have a constant niggle that I'm being taken for granted and that I'll never match up to his exw.
This relationship has utterly destroyed my self esteem, well, what was left of it after a 20 year marriage came to an end. I know I'll never walk away though, I just wish he loved me as much as I love him. I literally have no self respect at this point, it must be so unattractive. I make myself so available it's painful

@Allypa

Just like that? Dump him , for being on his phone? No discussion after 2 years, just dump him ?

Talk to him about how you feel. Then it's up to him to decide whether his constant phone use is more important to him than you feeling happy.

If my partner said to me that my constant phone use was becoming deleterious to our relationship, I'd suggest that we regularly spend screen-free time together, and I'd cut it back when we were together for the rest of the time. Wouldn't you?

@Allypa

I'm in my mid 40s and honestly I feel like I'm so, so past my best and that I'll never meet anyone again. He's a lovely caring guy but I just have a constant niggle that I'm being taken for granted and that I'll never match up to his exw. This relationship has utterly destroyed my self esteem, well, what was left of it after a 20 year marriage came to an end. I know I'll never walk away though, I just wish he loved me as much as I love him. I literally have no self respect at this point, it must be so unattractive. I make myself so available it's painful

What would give you more self respect?

Mid forties means you could well have decades left to live. You may not even have lived HALF your life yet, lots of people live into their 90s. You’re creating your own misery here by holding onto sexist stereotypes about women and their ‘shelf life’, deciding you’ll never leave a man who has ruined your self-esteem and choosing to believe that love only happens to people up to the dreaded 4-0 or something. Which is bollocks and you know it, I bet you’d never ever tell a friend who was in her 50s for example she can’t or won’t find love and is past it. Why are you acting this way to yourself?

He has time for this stuff the other days you're not there. No need for it.

I just got remarried at 50

There is so.much more to life

I think dump him is a big leap. I would collect my things and tell him cheerily I'll see him next time as he's obviously distracted and you have things you could be doing. Go from there.

When I was younger, I used to go round to my friend’s house. Occasionally, she just sit in front of the telly and pretty much ignore me. After a while, I decided this was very boring and would get up a dgo home.

In your shoes, as a adult, I’d do the same. I’d tell him that I didn’t come over to spend time with him for him to be glued to his devices, a dwluld go home.

There’s a difference between being relaxed in one another’s company and behaviour g as if the other person isn’t there.

Dunp and of course you can.

• behaving

I had this with recent boyfriend. When he does it next do as a previous poster said, breezily announce you’ll see him when he’s free, be really cheerful about it and gather your stuff and go, you will feel great. Anyway there must be more to this, there was for me, it was a general feeling of being a doll in a box, there ready for him. Total shit. Don’t stay on his terms all the time. You sound very unhappy. You don’t need to stay with him.

I was going to say YANBU.

But then you wrote a paragraph of self hated in which you somehow have connected a man being on his phone for more time than you would like to the fact that you are somehow unlovable and don't deserve better.

The fact that you feel sick when he texts his XW is your issue not his.

Have you asked him why he's on the phone more recently? There may be a perfectly valid reason.

I also really wish posters wouldnt immediately say "dump him", it's completely unhelpful.

I appreciate he has a job, friends and life admin to sort, but he also has an exwife. It feels like invariably he is messaging her. They share 5050 custody of small kids so they message more or less daily.

So is he working for his job - which usually entails quite a lot of concentration on emails etc, depending on the job - while you are there?

Messaging his ex 'daily' doesn't at all seem like an issue to me. If he's supposed to be doing a day's work that would be the sticking point.

It's rude of him to spend all evening on his phone, he should be spending most of time in the evening with you as you are visiting not living with him. Tell him you would like to sit and chat together or watch a movie, go out for a drink etc, if he's not willing to change then you have to think if you are compatible enough to stay in the relationship.

I sympathise I had a similar problem except my ex was into gaming on his phone, barely giving me any attention, it didn't last because I wasn't a priority to him.