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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband stopping all money

61 replies

xippo · 19/10/2021 16:29

I'm divorcing my husband, at preliminary stages so he doesn't know yet, on advice of solicitor.
He announced a couple of days ago he's stopping giving me any money at all, even for food. We have 2 DC, he's just buying his own fondant the moment.
I work part time and don't earn much, I'm grabbing all the hours I can though.
I have some savings, but I think they'll get eaten up with divorce costs.
Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
TeacherMa · 19/10/2021 17:10

You can't live with an abuser. You really do need him gone and you need to reach out for help to achieve this. Unfortunately no one can make you do those things except yourself. What do you think is possible for you to do right now? People will continue to give you advice here, but it looks like you're not keen to do anything immediate. Can you really live like this for months until the divorce is sorted? How on earth will you eat? Is the police coming round more uncomfortable than you starving?

JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 17:11

Zippo you can claim as single parent long as you can prove you've spilt up even when living together. highly advise speaking to womens aid even if just for advice.
Well done missus 👏🏻

TeacherMa · 19/10/2021 17:12

@Xippo

just put everything into entitled to and it says he earns too much for me to claim benefits, id get £35 a week.
But why are you even including his salary? That outcome they've given you is based on the presumption you have access to his income. You don't. So don't include it. If you have evidence of separate finances/financial abuse, you can claim as a single parent despite living together.
Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 17:24

I’ve no idea where to go or how to pay the rent. Oh, I’ll do it without his income then. Sorry I’ve no idea what to do at the moment, living on my nerves.
Sorry I sound like a wuss
No I can’t live like this much longer
Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 17:24

@Xippo

I’ve no idea where to go or how to pay the rent. Oh, I’ll do it without his income then. Sorry I’ve no idea what to do at the moment, living on my nerves. Sorry I sound like a wuss No I can’t live like this much longer Thank you everyone x
Whose name is the tenancy in?
Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 17:30

We own the property, in both our names. If I move out I couldn’t pay any rent on a new place.
I feel a fraud claiming when he earns so much money.

OP posts:
Palavah · 19/10/2021 17:35

Do not move out!

You're not a fraud claiming benefits if you don't have access to the money.

lightningstrikes · 19/10/2021 17:38

Yes he earns too much. But if you are separated, even while living together you can claim based on your income only. Don't enter his income. You really need womens aid to advise on this, or a local DV organisation. How old are your children? Do you have copies of the important paper work? His abuse is escalating if he's refusing any money. He's sensing you are pulling away. You need to get prepared. You need to get clear on your rights and you need support. Good luck op.

Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 17:41

Thanks, just looking at women’s aid, I’ll contact them.
Kids are 11 and 15
I’m keeping out of his way, he’s trying to cause arguments but I’m not responding.
He’s very used to getting his own way and I’ve been such a bloody idiot letting him.

OP posts:
ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 17:42

@Xippo

Yes, the solicitor has stated financial, emotional and physical abuse.

Have you called the police/logged with them the occasions that he's been physically abusive?

You can still do this now if you haven't already.

Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 17:49

Ive just sent an email to women’s aid, plus a copy of the letter from the solicitor, this outlines everything. They should respond within 5 days.
Yes , I’ll log it with the police, thank you.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 19/10/2021 17:52

please
Be aware - if yku disclose any offences of a domestic nature to police the. They will be obliged to take positive action whether or not you want to pursue a complaint. In my force this means he would be arrested regardless of whether you consent or give a statement. You just need to know what could happen .

Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 17:56

That’s good to know, thanks.

OP posts:
itsallgoingpearshaped · 19/10/2021 17:59

I'd carry your phone in a pocket and hit record everytime he tries to start something with you

Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 18:04

he came into the sitting room fired up last night and I videoed him, not a pretty sight. I didn’t say a word so he ran out of steam.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2021 18:09

Please phone woman's aid and go to a refuge. I would suspect he's monitoring your phone and emails tbh.

Nahhh · 19/10/2021 18:16

Yes, you claim benefits as a single mother. His income doesn’t come into it.

My exH had me too scared to even call the police as he said he would lose his job and therefore income. Like as said, be as strong as you can whilst keeping yourself safe.

If you’re able to report him to the police you can file something to have him removed from the family home, I’m sorry, I can’t remember the specifics. Women’s Aid or your solicitor will be able to advise. I found women’s aid very useful on immediate guidance for keeping myself safe, my solicitor more for future planning.

Original poster
Xippo · 19/10/2021 18:25

Hopefully WA will get back to me. I’m going to go to my DB’s for half term with the kids. Get out of his way.

OP posts:
TeacherMa · 19/10/2021 18:28

You've done really well today Xippo. I'm concerned about your safety. Is there any way you could call Women's Aid for a more urgent response? I think that the 5 days email reply time is for general enquiries. Your situation is far more urgent. Are you able to say why you won't report to the police? Are you worried it will endanger you further? Women's Aid or any similar charities should be able to give you best advice. Please find a way to call one of them tonight.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 18:44

If he is physically abusive and you have evidence you could get an ex parte occupation order on the house and a non molestation order. Basically with enough evidence the courts will order him out, and not come within a certain distance of you (ex parte means without him even knowing it was happening). The police can and will enforce this.

Also get your Sol to apply for an interim maintenance order so you have money. You could also apply for a litigation loan if the assets are substantial enough, which means you can pay for your lawyers until the settlement is finalised (it all comes out of the same pot in the end).

JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 18:45

@Xippo

We own the property, in both our names. If I move out I couldn’t pay any rent on a new place. I feel a fraud claiming when he earns so much money.
You'd get housing benefit. Do a online benefits calculator.
KirstenBlest · 19/10/2021 19:22

If you’re able to report him to the police you can file something to have him removed from the family home, I’m sorry, I can’t remember the specifics. Women’s Aid or your solicitor will be able to advise. I found women’s aid very useful on immediate guidance for keeping myself safe, my solicitor more for future planning.

If he has assaulted you and you do not report it, he will do it again, maybe not to you but to someone else. Please report it.

RandomMess · 19/10/2021 19:25

Use the time at your DB to sort out getting an occupation order, reporting the abuse to the police means that you should be successful and he will be removed from the home and you can live in it until the financial settlement of divorcing.

LeekChic · 19/10/2021 20:12

@RandomMess

Use the time at your DB to sort out getting an occupation order, reporting the abuse to the police means that you should be successful and he will be removed from the home and you can live in it until the financial settlement of divorcing.

I was going to suggest an Occupation Order too. You could speak to DV Assist.

www.dvassist.org.uk/how-can-we-help-you

RandomMess · 19/10/2021 20:17

National domestic violence helpline will guide you through applying for one as well, they cover emotional and financial abuse as well as physical.