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Original poster

I think husband might have been messaging an escort

32 replies

allisoon · 19/10/2021 15:16

I think my husband might have been messaging a woman he met off a site he was using initially to view porn, then he admitted to paying an escort whose number he got from the site. He's admitted to having sex with the escort, but 100% denies any emotional element. Says it was just 'physical'. Says he loves me and would never have an affair.
I think he's denying the messaging because to admit to that would throw his 'physical' excuse out of the water.
I have memorised the mobile number of this woman but not sure what to do next. Should I get a new number and text her? I'm convinced she's either a casual hook-up or an escort but he says she's someone he used to work with, remotely, and didn't know what she looked like until he saw her WhatsApp profile pic.
The reason I don't think she's an ex colleague is because the tone of the messages are flirty without being lovey-dovey and do not refer to work at all.
She's contacted him a couple of times out of the blue. Once it pinged when we were together in the evening and his body language just froze and he ignored it for a while before reading it and saying nothing to me about it (I checked later and it was from her asking how he was, adding ????! after it as if to say 'where the hell have you been????!' ).
Another time she referred to him as keeping well behaved and out of trouble and he replied 'hopefully'. I asked him about this and he said he hasn't a clue what she meant and that he thinks she's lonely and that's why she talks to him.
What would you think? I don't know that much about escorts but I wonder if the less professional ones do engage in texting back and forth?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 19/10/2021 15:20

The only thing you should do is decide what you are willing to tolerate.
Where is your line?
Trying to find answers from some random he had sex with isn't the solution, just more pain.
Are you willing to stay with someone who has casual sex, possibly bought sex, when he is supposed to be faithful to you?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2021 15:22

What difference does it make who she is/whatever else most of your post is about?

Is your bar really so low that this is acceptable to you?

Get some self respect and dump him.

Unanananana · 19/10/2021 15:23

So he was viewing porn (some people find this a deal breaker), slept with an escort (so paid for using a womans body for sexual gratification) and you are more bothered about text messages. He'll do whatever he wants because you tolerate it.

Where is your self respect? I hope you've at least had an STI test if you are still sleeping with him. He sounds fucking gross.

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 15:23

I get what your saying @TheQueef but for me there's the separate issue of how many lies he's telling.

I've read before that they will only admit to what they think they can get away with.

OP posts:
NCForthisxox · 19/10/2021 15:25

It's not an escort they don't text back and forth they want money that's it so you will just see texts for bookings no chit chat. It could be a sugar baby or hook up

Lunificent · 19/10/2021 15:25

You know enough to leave him. Absolutely no need to get into the minutiae of all of this. Place your energy in the practicalities of splitting.

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 15:25

Thanks. I did the STI test. We have separated.
The issue I have now is to start to comprehend the extent of his lies because at the moment I'm still dealing with some unknowns.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 19/10/2021 15:26

Does it matter?

You say in your first paragraph that he admitted to sex with an escort and then wrote several more analysing the nature of the messages.

He had sex with a prostitute. I can't believe that the messages are all that important.

BeMoreHedgehog · 19/10/2021 15:27

You know he’s lied. You’ve split up, does it really matter how much he has lied?

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2021 15:27

He’s admitted to sex with an escort. Why on earth would it matter whether she engaged in any messaging with him? Surely your relationship is over? It certainly wasn’t anything other than a physical act for money on her side and she’ll have messaged him any old rubbish she thought would get her the booking. She certainly isn’t “lonely for” him, “missing” him or flirting, whatever the idiot thinks. He’s a client. He pays her bills. If she’s messaging him it’s because he’s suggested he wants a booking or has asked for a booking and then gone quiet on her: like anyone working in a customer service position, a good escort follows up on their clients.

Do yourself a big favour and focus on you, and how you get out of this relationship. Don’t waste time trying to plague yourself with the details of his shit.

smoko · 19/10/2021 15:33

Why did he admit to the encounter with a sex worker? Did you find evidence of something & he reluctantly admitted to this?

Agree, sex workers don't text flirty banter. It's very transactional. Maybe the extent of the lies is that there was an affair with emotions, or at least not the anonymous encounter he's making the infidelity out to be.

I understand the compulsion to find evidence & uncover the truth after being deceived. Sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 15:39

@smoko

Why did he admit to the encounter with a sex worker? Did you find evidence of something & he reluctantly admitted to this?

Agree, sex workers don't text flirty banter. It's very transactional. Maybe the extent of the lies is that there was an affair with emotions, or at least not the anonymous encounter he's making the infidelity out to be.

I understand the compulsion to find evidence & uncover the truth after being deceived. Sorry this has happened to you.

I found evidence and he reluctantly admitted.

This is what I'm thinking @smoko . I always think in binary as in affair or escorts. I didn't believe him about the escort as he couldn't remember certain key facts about it so I thought he must have been having an affair. He denies affair 100%. Says that's much worse.

Thanks for being understanding.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 19/10/2021 15:49

Are you hoping to reconcile? That's the only reason to pick over the bones of his lies and betrayal isn't it?

It's likely he would have an affair if the opportunity was there, it's likely he would shag a sex worker. It's all lies and treating women like shit isn't it? Two sides of the same coin.

I hope you can move away from all this detective work and concentrate on a better life away from him. At the moment you're just torturing yourself. Sad

Talith · 19/10/2021 15:51

Oh god this is so horrible, I'm sorry OP.

If they messaged afterwards its possible she's not an escort but more likely a Tinder hook up. She obviously knows he was attached as she asked him if he was behaving - basically he's got another woman on the side and you'd be well rid. Too many lies.

The devious part of me thinks that I would be inclined to text her to see if she is a sex worker or not at the very least. You could write that you've been given her number by [your husband's name] with rave reviews - if she's not a sex worker that should stick a cat amongst the pigeons.

But of course the healthiest thing to do is to rise above it and realise you may never get the truth of it and it's not worth spending any more of your brain space on it. Flowers

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 15:58

@SmileyClare

Are you hoping to reconcile? That's the only reason to pick over the bones of his lies and betrayal isn't it?

It's likely he would have an affair if the opportunity was there, it's likely he would shag a sex worker. It's all lies and treating women like shit isn't it? Two sides of the same coin.

I hope you can move away from all this detective work and concentrate on a better life away from him. At the moment you're just torturing yourself. Sad

No, I am not hoping to reconcile.

What appears to have happened in my case is that after I've managed to get all my shit together, leave, not burden other people too much with the emotional turmoil he's created, now he's the one acting like the broken-hearted, deserted husband.
I'm trying to grey rock but we still have to communicate about joint issues. I don't trust him in anything.
I am convinced he's used the escort story as a way to mitigate his betrayal because he can imply to people that he wasn't getting sex at home so it was just 'physical need' and peeps feel sorry for him.
He knows that our DC would be devastated had he been diverting his energy away from me to an emotional affair. Well, they're disgusted and disappointed with him right now.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 19/10/2021 16:04

Wow what an arsehole.
I certainly wouldn't be feeling sorry for him if he came out with that crap about not getting his needs met. I'm sure most people would think he's got what he deserved, regardless of who he cheated with and why.

Well done for leaving with your dignity intact. It sounds like you're going through Hell at the moment, I'm so sorry Flowers

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 16:06

Thanks @Talith

Hoping I can get to that healthy place ASAP.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 19/10/2021 16:07

I think it's avoiding the fallout that keeps many women in relationships they should leave.
It's really unfair how you have all the upheaval and the stress because he wanted to cheat.
We all scrabble around, clutching at any straw to try and explain things away because we know it will be us that suffer.
The only solution that I know is space and time.
You won't be able to have a relationship with him without thinking of this.

Sooner or later you need rid Flowers

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 16:12

Thank you @SmileyClare yes it is Hell. Thank God I did manage to move out of the house because when I would get upset at home he would try to hug me.

I cannot begin to describe what the feeling is like when you want someone to hug you but you categorically do not want it to be from the person who has hurt you. I look at him now and just think he looks like some sort of monster. It's weird. It's like my husband died and there's this shell walking around which looks like him, but it isn't him.

OP posts:
Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 19/10/2021 16:18

God poor poor you :( “Says it was just 'physical'. Says he loves me and would never have an affair”… he’s a fool and an idiot, is that not an affair? He is risking your entire happiness, health and self respect here, the man you thought you had does not exist. I would separate and keep your standards and get well away from him. Is this the man that you want to grow old with?

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 19/10/2021 16:20

Just seen your latest post! Exactly that! Stick to your standards, if you feel confused and sick it’s because he is lying to you

Original poster
allisoon · 19/10/2021 16:26

To be clear, I have left and have started divorce proceedings.
Most of the time I'm positive but now and again I have a need for the truth. Plus there's been a lot of well-meaning people who are trying to move me forward - much like this forum - as quickly as possible which I get why but the situation is quite stressful.
I suppose the proof of the pudding will be when he starts 'dating' or whatever. He did ask me if I thought I might return to him in a few months as he needs to know because he didn't want to be on his own and he couldn't cope with it if he was seeing someone and I wanted him back.
Basically, I married a toss-potting, rancid arsehole didn't I.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 19/10/2021 16:28

Aw lass, it really does knock your guts out Sad
Give yourself time to breathe, especially while your heart is playing silly buggers and trying to make it all go away!
When your head is back on straight, decide and plan (it'll distract you) then you are in control.
Grieve like something died, it did, any and all respect for him! You're worth more.

SmileyClare · 19/10/2021 16:29

He looks like some sort of monster. .like my husband died

I think you're describing very well the pain and confusion of being cheated on. Of course you're mourning the man you fell in love with and the life you thought you had. It hurts deeply.

None of this is your fault, despite him trying to play his "poor me" card. Take care and give yourself time, it will get easier x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/10/2021 16:35

He did ask me if I thought I might return to him in a few months as he needs to know because he didn't want to be on his own and he couldn't cope with it if he was seeing someone and I wanted him back.

My god the actual breathtaking arrogance of him forward planning TWO women wanting him!

Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry OP what a fucker he is and thank god you've made and stuck to the decision to leave him.