Friends discussing my housing / financial situation: odd ?

[52andblue]

Old School Friend got back in touch via SM (we are mid 50's now).
We dated briefly in 6th form so when we've met (x2 for lunch, in 2+ yr) I made sure it was with his wife & teens in tow & my teens in tow too
( I am separating & negotiating a Divorce so I wanted to be clear to ALL concerned that I am OSF 'material' only!)

Both Lunches were a bit awkward - she didn't seem to like me much, perhaps due to ancient history, perhaps there is stuff in their marriage I know not of or perhaps she just didn't take to me much (which is fine, and her prerogative of course). During Lunch she made a number of comments about money / housing etc (they're quite well off, the money was from her side I gather & they have a few rental properties). In contrast, I am on the bones of my arse & fighting exH to stay in my house. I had told OSF about that but not discussed with her as I don't know her so well. It's not a 'secret' as such but it is fairly private info.
Anyway, I paid for my /kids share of lunch & ignored the (seemingly fairly pointed?) comments as maybe I was being over sensitive?

OSF has just contacted me & suggested 'Lunch before Xmas'.
We live a long distance apart so some travel costs are involved for me so I said I'd have a think about it but immediately he then sent a text saying he 'has asked his wife if he could go' (odd phrasing / just him?) He said 'he had then got the Spanish Inquisition about how could you afford it when you are on benefits or had you not got a council house & endless free help by now. Sorry I realise that might be annoying. I try to keep you apart as much as I can as you will never see eye to eye'.

I was taken aback / annoyed, so replied: 'sorry, why are you discussing my finances / housing situation with anyone else - you don't know all my circumstances & those comments are factually incorrect anyway'.

So he replied: 'I'm not, but what do I say?'

Me: 'well, you clearly have previously?. And you could 'say' it is my business, not anyone elses - which it is'

Him: 'And I haven't discussed it with S. But she knows you are separating from your husband & don't have a job & have 2 kids. It doesn't' take a brain surgeon to figure it out, & I cant stop her thinking'.

I regret replying so quickly & did so because I was annoyed.
Should I be though?
I am at a difficult juncture but I've behaved well & I don't have anything to be ashamed of re my personal circs. so I guess they are not some big secret or anything - there is no reason for her not to know the basic facts. I just feel there is something a bit off about him reporting back her (less than kindly meant?) comments to me like this ?

She is quizzing him about why he is so keen to meet up etc, and using your presumed finances to object.

It's a viper's nest.

Stand back, edge away.

I don’t think them discussing it is odd at all, but I think him telling you verbatim what she’s said (and you’ve only his word that she was the one who said it) is both odd and extremely mean. Bin him!

Why are you bothering with these awful sounding people? Bin them off.

I think his comments and his wife’s are vulgar, intrusive and impertinent and I’d tell him so using exactly those words.

If they’re snobs, I can’t see what they have to be snobby about given their atrocious manners.

I think that he told his wife about your financial position. You picked up that she could be a bit of a snob. You also know that they are comfortably off and you think his wife brought money/asset's into the marriage. Perhaps in the past they had problems in their marriage and she feels that he could want to get involved with you but meanwhile you met them together.

He now wants to meet you on your own for lunch and said you can pick somewhere fairly modest.
I think you know that over the years your both changed as people. Your better off telling him that you no longer have much in common and wish him the best.

Your OSF is either a massive idiot, or he is up to no good.

In my experience, male OSFs don't contact you out of the blue just to arrange a nice civilized lunch for the festive season. My guess is that there is some discomfort in his marriage and he is using you to pamper his ego, remind his wife that he might have other options, perhaps make her feel insecure... He is reporting her alleged comments with the aim of getting you on his side and making you dislike her.

Or he might just be an idiot, that is always very possible.

We were so young but he did whatever they said (including dump me, lol!)
Maybe she's worried he went for someone his parents approved of rather than someone he wanted to be with.

He is enjoying the attention from both sides and is clearly making you both uncomfortable. How dare they judge you!

I would flatly tell him that you will never be meeting him or speaking to him again and then block him.

So he's telling you about his wife slagging you off and that you are already a source of tension in their relationship, after he contacts you to keep meeting up, which she didnt enjoy, (unsurprisingly, let's go for lunch with an old romance from my past, who would really enjoy that) but is setting things up that you and the wife don't get along, so you will be the special old friend that he meets up with on his own and then starts to talk about his wife and marriage to, relying on you and your developing special bond. He is trouble OP, steer clear. Even if he's not trying it on, looking for an affair its a relationship that you don't need at an already difficult time in your life, he's not your new best friend is he? . Steer clear, focus on yourself. Shes being rude about you because she's pissed off with him, don't let them drag you into it any further.

The thing is that my circs have changed a lot over the 4 years we've been 'back in touch'. So, yes fair enough he filled her in on where I was at 4 yrs ago. But since then I've re-trained, got a good full time job, then lost it (as my ASD child had a breakdown and needed me at home full-time to support them). So I currently live on Carers allowance. I was also putting up with nonsense from exH and now I am being more assertive, formally filing for Separation, whilst trying to hang onto the family house for the kids sake.
So, for her to be 'up to speed' with my circs it must have been a periodic / ongoing conversation between them. Again, nothing wrong with that per se I just get an 'off' feeling about it now.
I don't judge people on their circumstances but whether they are kind. I don't think his wife is (about me, anyway) & he's thoughtless at best to tell me so. He can be a bit odd, he always was, but I don't want to have to 'sort it out' for him / them whilst they pity me or something?

as I feel she rather 'judges' me for my circs.

From what you have posted, you only have his word for what she says. I'm not sure it's fair to think that she is judging you, based only on someone else's opinion.

It would be him and not his wife I would be annoyed by. What on earth was he thinking saying that to you? She didn't say it. He did. She may have said to him but he actually said it to you, getting his opinions across whilst not taking ownership of them. What a knob! I would not go for lunch or anything else.

@FinallyHere

as I feel she rather 'judges' me for my circs.

From what you have posted, you only have his word for what she says. I'm not sure it's fair to think that she is judging you, based only on someone else's opinion.

Well his wife made a couple of remarks during the 1st Lunch about 'not needing to work as (she has) plenty of money' and referenced their rental properties and holiday houses (lucky them!). But the 2nd Lunch she directly came out with a remark about 'benefits scroungers'.

Maybe he feels the same, maybe not, but he still told me about it, which feels pretty cringe making. It was me who asked to meet somewhere modest for Lunch btw as I knew I couldn't afford somewhere expensive (which I think is more normal for them). But like I say, I mentioned it and he made a bit of a meal of it (see what I did there?) Fuck it. I don't need this. They can sort out their own marriage / somewhat superficial social judgements (or not).
I'm not involved, nor do I want to be.
Thanks all x

Update (should anyone be interested!)

He sent a further msg re this (I had misunderstood him apparently, he has 'no issues with people on benefits, in fact he is a Socialist' (!) which I ignored then tried to call me twice (9am time)
I texted back to say I was on a train, on a day out (very rare for me, think maybe once a year, whereas he has a very active social life in comparison) to meet (named) old school friend (of my old year not his). He said: 'I am SO jealous of your jaunt, make sure you say hello to her for me it would be nice to see her again'. A bit weird (slightly amusingly, she doesn't really remember him much, tho she was my best friend and he was my boyfriend when we were all around 17/18)
Late afternoon I get a text: 'so was it fun? are you still there?'. I ignored. He rings. I ignored it.
He texts again: 'Can you talk?'.
I don't know why I didn't block him at this point. I was trained to be 'nice to men' so I have trouble with that: it didn't even occur to me.

So, like a fool I replied: 'I just fell down some stairs at the station. I've hurt myself. I need some quiet time before i drive home'.
His reply: 'well, it wouldn't be you if there wasn't a minor crisis going on would it now?' (I have mobility problems and use double crutches)

So: not only a bit odd but quite unpleasant too I think?

I just blocked my first ever person.

@FangsForTheMemory

I think his comments and his wife’s are vulgar, intrusive and impertinent and I’d tell him so using exactly those words.

Yes. This. They both sound frankly ghastly and way too money focused. I'd not be keen to continue with the friendship.

What a dick he is op.

I hope you feel ok after your fall xx

His reply: 'well, it wouldn't be you if there wasn't a minor crisis going on would it now?' (I have mobility problems and use double crutches)

To me this bizarrely reads as though he's trying to instil a closeness that's no longer there for you.
He's trying to pull you closer and you are finding it odd.
You want different things for each other.

She's on her guard (as would any woman be advised to be who came on here and said her husband has started messaging and then meeting up with an old ex who's just become single again).

Doesn't matter that your intentions are entirely platonic, it's bound make the other partner feel a bit insecure. If you want to meet up, do it as 'family friends' like last time, definitely not just the two of you.

She's on her guard (as would any woman be advised to be who came on here and said her husband has started messaging and then meeting up with an old ex who's just become single again).

I would hope that most women would not, however, express said guardedness by making bigoted comments about benefits.

@altmember HE wants to meet up. I was the one who preferred 'family friends' type situations. His wife made a number of unpleasant remarks ('benefits scroungers' type stuff) during those 2 meet ups. I suspect he secretly agrees (his family are snobs so ? the apple didnt' fall far?). When I asked if we could meet somewhere fairly modest he made a big fuss. Compared to my female OSF I met last week who is also better off than me but said, yes, let's then we can afford a fun weekend when we get home too (ie didn't make me feel at ALL awkward).

My later post was really about realising that he is a bit odd & maybe not very pleasant. Who responds to a disabled friend having an accident by remarking that they are only happy with a minor crisis going on?Well, I wouldn't. Indeed didn't when he came off his bike (& sent me pics of considerable facial cuts and bruises that same night). I didn't send a get well card in case his wife felt uncomfortable but I did send a concerned reply & a text a week later saying I hoped he was recovering. I would have thought that was more normal.

He's brought zero positivity into.your life. Glad.you blocked him.

I've.learned that my energy is a limited resource and I don't give it away.lightly anymore. I focus on myself, my partner, my dc, and maybe friends if I can shoehorn it in. But my priorities are the first 3.

Op I think you and a lot of people are over reading into what was a conversation that of course would happen given the strange set up (whether it's 6 months or more you still dated). His phrasing might be accurate or not but yes he shouldn't have told you their conversation it's not fair on you. I totally agree with all the people saying none of you are going to get anything out of keeping in touch

Well done for blocking him.

Something off with them.

I suspect he was telling you both rotten things the other supposedly said for a wind up for his own entertainment.

After 40 years, he's pretty much a stranger. Your time with him was a mere blip.

I DO now wonder if he was trying to 'triangulate' us in some odd way?
But I also think he has grown into a person I don't much like either.

I guess it's a bit risky, meeting up after SO many years with someone you were once very close to - like going back to an old haunt and finding it really changed? I have tried it 4 times over the last few years. It works better with female friends. I separated from my exH nearly 5 years ago now & am crystal clear that I am not looking for anything right now (I have my hands more than full with my kids) but both the guys went into 'white knight' mode then came onto me (if you include this one, tho the other guy was at least single!) then got huffy when it wasn't returned. I guess it's a compliment (or men just fancying their chances) but I would much prefer a simple straightforward friendship.
I am happily keeping in touch with both my female friends. The other old male friend has a new girlfriend so is (quite rightly) busy with her. This one I will pass on being friends with, it's too much like hard work.