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Original poster

Charging adult children without seeming like a mean mum !

67 replies

purplemango111 · 19/10/2021 09:48

I'm a single mum and am now struggling to make ends meet despite working full time.
Both adult kids live with me and one has just got a job and other is about to start a job (on a lower wage than the first child).
What is the norm for charging rent these days to your own children? My mother constantly reminds me that she never charged myself or my brother but she wasn't a single mum.
Thank you for your thoughts and input ! :)

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 19/10/2021 11:16

Is the end goal of parenting not to support our children to be able to survive out in the world alone?

No

My aim is to produce two adults who are able to provide for themselves and contribute

PrincessPaws · 19/10/2021 11:37

Is the end goal of parenting not to support our children to be able to survive out in the world alone?

But surely it is much harder when they have been used to having their entire salary as disposable income?

Yes, I know 'saving for a house' but lots (not all) of young adults only make a token effort towards that/put it in savings only to take it back out when they want to buy something/don't bother at all and just piss the money up the wall

OP out of interest how old are they, and how will their earnings compare to yours? As both of those things would influence how much I asked for

billy1966 · 19/10/2021 11:38

@NewlyGranny

Call a family meeting, have all the outgoings detailed and your income, and just say you're now three adults living in the same house, how do they think expenses should be managed between you.

You're still their mum, but they're not children any more, so there's no reason they should assume you'll support them financially any more. They aren't working for pocket money!

Likewise housekeeping jobs. Get it all in the open and on a secure footing.

This.

None of your mothers business either.

They are working, in the real world people have to pay their way.

It really is that simple.

They also have the choice to move out, which you should tell them you will obviously respect.

There is no negotiation here.

Paying their way is the way life works.

The worst thing possible is to appear apologetic with them during these discussions.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Palavah · 19/10/2021 11:42

@TreeRoad

What your Mum did is irrelevant - the circumstances, times and cost of living is entirely different.

It’s not unreasonable at all to charge them. They’re going to have to live in the real world one day and this will help prepare them, in terms of how much it really costs.

I agree with a previous poster - show them the entire monthly outgoings - food, rent/mortgage, utilities, internet, insurances…divide it by three and let them see their share.

Of course you don’t have to charge them that amount, but I imagine letting them see what you’re having to pay will help them see that whatever you’re asking for is reasonable.

This.
CodeMode · 19/10/2021 11:48

They are working, in the real world people have to pay their way.

Of course. But one of the perks of living with parents is that you have a period of time with more disposable income.

I know someone who charged their 3 children far more than it cost for them to live there. They all moved out after a few years within 8 months of each other and their mum couldn’t manage without the money from them. That’s a problem and is why, if I had to charge my children, it would be just to cover what they added into the bills like food and electric.
We’re comfortable so I don’t plan on charging as long as they’re saving some of their money, if not I will take some off them and save it for them. They already save though so hopefully they’ll continue to do so.

noirchatsdeux · 19/10/2021 11:48

Just be fair about it. 30 odd years ago I was earning 400 a month. My parents took 100 of it...so a quarter, 25%. Both my brothers were earning, both considerably more than me. They didn't have to pay a penny... I was also expected to do a lot of housework, they weren't. I've never stopped being annoyed at how unfair it was.

CodeMode · 19/10/2021 11:50

Both my brothers were earning, both considerably more than me. They didn't have to pay a penny

That’s dreadful. What was your parents reasoning?

toocold54 · 19/10/2021 11:52

What has changed that you are now struggling to make ends meet?

Instead of charging rent as I assume you’ll be paying it whether they lived there or not - I’d ask them to pay for the things they want like phone contracts, which will save you money that you can put towards the rent.

SirensofTitan · 19/10/2021 11:53

This topic really needs its own board, this is the 3rd time I've seen this question in the past week Grin

There literally can't be anything new to say, have a search OP and you'll find endless opinions and personal experiences.

billy1966 · 19/10/2021 11:56

@CodeMode

They are working, in the real world people have to pay their way.

Of course. But one of the perks of living with parents is that you have a period of time with more disposable income.

I know someone who charged their 3 children far more than it cost for them to live there. They all moved out after a few years within 8 months of each other and their mum couldn’t manage without the money from them. That’s a problem and is why, if I had to charge my children, it would be just to cover what they added into the bills like food and electric.
We’re comfortable so I don’t plan on charging as long as they’re saving some of their money, if not I will take some off them and save it for them. They already save though so hopefully they’ll continue to do so.

Not if the OP is struggling to meet her bills.

What you or I would do is not the point.

I could easily afford to have my adult children here indefinitely for free, but I wouldn't, because that is not in their best interests.

The OP is struggling to pay her bills and it is right and fair that her children realise this and pay their share of the bills the OP is struggling to pay.

She has no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed, she has done her best, but now that they are working, they need to contribute.

toocold54 · 19/10/2021 11:57

I personally wouldn’t charge my child rent unless I was putting it away as savings.

As a single parent I am used to paying the rent alone and that doesn’t change when they turn into adults.
Obviously I wouldn’t want them living there rent free until they’re 40 but I’d rather they put their money into an account and save for a deposit for a mortgage and move out sooner, whereas if they’re paying you rent they won’t be able to save for a deposit as easily.

CodeMode · 19/10/2021 12:00

billy1966m

If you read my posts, I’ve already said it wouldn’t be unreasonable to charge if she’s struggling. But there’s no point charging too much as she’s got to be able to pay for herself when they move out.

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2021 12:02

As adults I'd not charge in order to help them save but would expect them to chip in at times, or if i needed the money because I couldn't absorb the costs, I'd only cover what it cost to have them.

My parents charged differently between me and my siblings, and it irritated me to hear them talk about being broke whilst they had more money than me. I'd not want to put DC in that position.

WhatDidISayAlan · 19/10/2021 12:07

Years ago, when I had to resit A-levels and claim income support my mum asked for what child benefit she would have claimed if I was under 18.
Once I was working I gave her 20% and did my fair share of chores. I started and finished work early in the day so that was mainly cooking the family meal every night during the week, doing my own ironing, and taking turns on housework. Didn't bother me at all. I still got to save, have a social life, and had somewhere nice to live that wasn't a grotty bedsit.

billy1966 · 19/10/2021 12:07

I don't think the OP is suggesting to do that though, I think she wants to charge a reasonable amount so that she is no longer struggling to pay the costs for 3 adults.

If they are working and she is struggling, there is no need for them to be costing her money any longer.

They shouldn't want their mother to be struggling either.

noirchatsdeux · 19/10/2021 12:10

@CodeMode I was never given any reasoning. My parents were the type that you as a child didn't get to 'discuss' any of their decisions with them, you just obeyed.

noirchatsdeux · 19/10/2021 12:12

And that held true when you were a full time working adult of 21 (as I was at the time they were taking 25% of my salary). My father was earning a 7 figure salary at the time, my mother was a SAHM, they didn't need the money. They even expected the money when my then fiancé and I bought a house 6 months before our wedding and we had a mortgage. If I'd had any sense back then I would have just moved in with him and cancelled the wedding...

PlanetTeaTime · 19/10/2021 12:12

How old are your kids OP?

I'm kind of upset on your behalf that they haven't offered!

SheWoreYellow · 19/10/2021 12:13

Would you downsize if they weren’t there? If so, tell them and charge them rent.

If no, ask for their share of bills, remember to add the single person discount for council tax as solely their cost.

MrMrsJones · 19/10/2021 12:14

20% of their wages and they contribute to the food

CodeMode · 19/10/2021 12:14

I was never given any reasoning. My parents were the type that you as a child didn't get to 'discuss' any of their decisions with them, you just obeyed.

Sorry to hear that. Do you have a relationship with them now?

Justilou1 · 19/10/2021 12:21

My kids are in high school and all three work part time. I am taking 30% of their wages. They don’t know that I am putting it in a savings accounts they can’t touch. I would have no hesitation to use this money if my DH and I lost our jobs (like last year.) and couldn’t pay a bill or rent. I am teaching them how to save, etc… tbh, one is good and two are crap. The one who is good has her own account with quite a lot in it. The other two will be jealous when they get their mitts on their shares. (It’s all itemized.)

marriednotdead · 19/10/2021 12:26

I’ve been in your shoes OP. Was getting UC after divorce while DS was at college, the drop in income when he finished was over £300 per month.
We sat down together once he got a job and discussed his plans, he’s in no hurry to leave home and is unlikely to afford to get on the property ladder.
We now split the cost of the house running costs and food shopping between us. It appears to be a lot but he couldn’t rent the cheapest of rooms for anywhere close to what he’s paying and we are both happy with the deal.

noirchatsdeux · 19/10/2021 12:29

@CodeMode No. I've been NC with my father for 32 years (he left my mother for OW 2 days after my wedding) and LC with my mother for 25 years. I'm not wishing to derail the OPs thread, but they were just dreadful parents all round.

CodeMode · 19/10/2021 12:46

No. I've been NC with my father for 32 years (he left my mother for OW 2 days after my wedding) and LC with my mother for 25 years. I'm not wishing to derail the OPs thread, but they were just dreadful parents all round.

Well, I hope you’re doing ok now. Flowers Things like this often affect you many years later. I always say that my parents at least showed me how not to parent.

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