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Original poster

Male friend or emotional crutch?!

64 replies

Penny98 · 18/10/2021 19:28

I have a guy I work with and we’ve since become friends, as we our new jobs together. We’re both happily married with kids but we chat every day via email about kids, spouses, interests and support one another too. He’s currently on paternity leave and we exchanged numbers (which I initiated) just so he could reach out if he needed anything. When his child was born, he sent a pic to me via my personal number, but his messages were cold, short and to the point. Almost like he didn’t want to talk. Today I sent a jokey text about a meeting he dodged, and checked-in with him about his wife and baby. Again, it seemed like he wanted to get to the point and said “catch up soon”. This tone is very different to his tone at work and I’m not expecting lots of texts or messaging all day, because I get it, he’s at home and it’s not necessary. But he classes me as a friend so why is he acting strangely?? Or am I overthinking because I miss his friendship and possibly using him as an emotional crutch? I just hate the feeling like I’m someone he talks to out of boredom at work and it’s not a genuine friendship.

There’s no flirting or any hidden agenda here. If I wanted to cheat, I wouldn’t choose a married colleague at work!

OP posts:
Salayes · 18/10/2021 19:49

If he’s currently on paternity leave then his baby must be pretty new? So it seems logical he’s just focusing on his wife and new child and doesn’t have time for lengthy text messages, emails or jokey messages about meeting.

PackedintheUK · 18/10/2021 19:50

Leave the poor guy and his new family alone.

They've literally just, in the last few days, had a baby. Frankly even if he was your BFF, anything more than one text saying "congratulations, let me know if you need anything" is too much. Let alone the angst over the replies.

Alonghairinapie · 18/10/2021 19:56

You care about this way too much. He’s on paternity leave.

Sleepdeprived42long · 18/10/2021 20:00

Sounds like he only sees you as a work friend.

OverTheRubicon · 18/10/2021 20:00

Would you be sending messages to a female colleague who'd just had a baby about a meeting she'd dodged?

Honestly it reads you like have a secret crush on him (or like that he has a crush on you) but are denying it to yourself.

TheChip · 18/10/2021 20:16

Maybe he doesn't like chatting over texts. Sometimes when I am bored I can handle it for a while, other times I find my eyes rolling when someone wants to engage in a conversation over text because I'm busy or I can't be arsed.

He has a lot on at the minute. Why are you jumping to the assumption that he doesn't want to speak to you, and not that he is busy? All signs point towards him being busy.

Aren't all text conversations due to boredom? Why else would you be on your phone?

annaop · 18/10/2021 20:21

Are you thinking that he might feel guilty about the way he communicates with you, so he's one way when his partner is not around, and he's more reserved when his partner is there? In other words, that you're a secret, special friend that he hasn't told his partner about? Because that would make you more special than his partner, the mother of his child?

cosmicbabe · 18/10/2021 20:25

Perhaps his wife has seen all your messages and has had a word with him?... How long have you worked together to class him as a friend ?

Angrynellie · 18/10/2021 20:33

He’s currently on paternity leave and we exchanged numbers (which I initiated) just so he could reach out if he needed anything
Why would he need to reach out to you for anything, he’s in paternity leave? I think you need to give him some space and back off.

Original poster
Penny98 · 18/10/2021 20:51

Thank you for your response everyone. I am just that kind of person who likes to check-in with people. I wasn’t expecting him to send long texts or many texts. Just felt his tone was cold and it bothered me a little, seen as at work we send messages back and forth casually. I do need to back off though and other than what I texted today, I have no reason to text again. I don’t think I’m his “special friend” and I don’t have a “secret crush” on him. Also, if his wife ever read our work messages, she would never be bothered because most are about her and her son. No flirting or anything inappropriate.

OP posts:
annaop · 18/10/2021 21:04

How do you know that his wife would never be bothered? Everyone's different.

Darkdarknights · 18/10/2021 21:07

So he was emailing you when you worked together and now it’s texts which you initiated and he is at home with wife and baby. He obviously doesn’t want that kind of contact from you so back off and leave him be. I don’t think you should be texting him about work even if it’s jokey.

Onthedunes · 18/10/2021 21:20

You're embarrasing yourself.

Leave them alone to enjoy their new arrival.

supernooodle · 18/10/2021 21:24

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband was having chats about me and children to another woman

Alonghairinapie · 18/10/2021 21:26

Op this is way too much mental energy over a work friend. Maybe he doesn’t feel well, maybe he can’t be arsed? It’s nice that you are concerned about him but I’m sure he has everything he needs or has people outside of work to ask?

annaop · 18/10/2021 21:27

@supernooodle

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband was having chats about me and children to another woman
Me too, especially if I was post natal, possibly hormonal, exhausted, and it was with a woman I'd never met.
DameMaureen · 18/10/2021 21:28

You should be using your time with your own H and children and not texting someone else's H ESP with a new baby ! Why do you need him as an "emotional crutch " ?

morethanbeingme · 18/10/2021 21:34

I'll be honest with you. When I was on maternity leave, I slept little, was constantly changing my baby and had 500 unanswered emails and 20 text messages. Let him take care of the baby, it is not easy for parents who are new to it.

Shalala22 · 18/10/2021 21:36

Totally back off. You sound needy.

PackedintheUK · 18/10/2021 21:49

I am just that kind of person who likes to check-in with people.

How many other people have you "checked in with" while he's been off? How many times in comparison? How much time have to given to thinking about their responses?

Alonghairinapie · 18/10/2021 22:02

Is there any reason why you’d need to check in more than once?

Original poster
Penny98 · 18/10/2021 22:26

I know :( clearly I should back off. I don’t know why I asked the question. I myself didn’t have time to even shower when I had a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penny98 · 18/10/2021 22:28

@Alonghairinapie

Is there any reason why you’d need to check in more than once?
Lonely...miss communicating with him. I have friends and a husband but everyone is so busy! It felt nice having someone to chat to. No excuse and I know I should be more considerate of his circumstances.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/10/2021 22:29

@Penny98

I know :( clearly I should back off. I don’t know why I asked the question. I myself didn’t have time to even shower when I had a baby.
It could be valuable then to actually ask yourself that question - why did this bother you? Why did you feel entitled to / expect more of a response? Do you think you've realised you misinterpreted the type of or depth of connection with this colleague and now feel a bit embarrassed or upset about it? It's important we ask ourselves this stuff to stop history repeating itself the next time.
Ughmaybenot · 18/10/2021 22:30

I think you need to look a little closer at the nature of your friendship and your feelings towards this man. It doesn’t take a great deal of thought to consider that a man on paternity leave has much more important things to think about than some work meeting… the fact you’ve made a thread about it indicates you’re giving this too much headspace, and he’s affecting you rather too much.

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