Male friend or emotional crutch?!

[Penny98]

I have a guy I work with and we’ve since become friends, as we our new jobs together. We’re both happily married with kids but we chat every day via email about kids, spouses, interests and support one another too. He’s currently on paternity leave and we exchanged numbers (which I initiated) just so he could reach out if he needed anything. When his child was born, he sent a pic to me via my personal number, but his messages were cold, short and to the point. Almost like he didn’t want to talk. Today I sent a jokey text about a meeting he dodged, and checked-in with him about his wife and baby. Again, it seemed like he wanted to get to the point and said “catch up soon”. This tone is very different to his tone at work and I’m not expecting lots of texts or messaging all day, because I get it, he’s at home and it’s not necessary. But he classes me as a friend so why is he acting strangely?? Or am I overthinking because I miss his friendship and possibly using him as an emotional crutch? I just hate the feeling like I’m someone he talks to out of boredom at work and it’s not a genuine friendship.

There’s no flirting or any hidden agenda here. If I wanted to cheat, I wouldn’t choose a married colleague at work!

You're doing way too much imo. I remember reading your other thread about this guy. Maybe it's best to distance yoursef and just keep things work related. He doesn't owe you anything by having to give 'normal responses,' it could be that you having his number and messaging was a step too far and maybe a bit personal.

You may have good intentions and may be in need of a friend but this doesn't sound like it's going to end well

There's another thread about this guy??

Come on, OP.

Starting multiple threads about someone else's partner isn't really cool is it?

This man has become your obsession, and he knows it.

You are infatuated, 3 posts (never saw the second one), only just gone on paternity leave and you are having withdrawl symptoms.

You cannot wait for him to make a choice, green light, red light.

It really is horrible for his wife, what should be the best time of her life, could end up being the worst.

There will be no telling you.

I appreciate everyone’s honesty and encouragement I’ve already shared my own open and honest concern about possibly being emotionally attached. My main reason to reach out was because a) I trust others’ honest opinions and if they’re judgmental, nobody knows me b) I need to face my real issues c) to get it off my chest.

When I mentioned that his wife wouldn’t mind, I didn’t mean to disregard her feelings. What I meant to say, is there is nothing flirty or inappropriate in our messages. Also please please please let me emphasise, that I’m more disheartened about the response (which is to do with me, I get it, loneliness and all that), and not that I want to chat to him everyday on text!

Also, I know my husband has cheated on me but I would never dream of settling any “score” because I value myself. And I sure as hell wouldn’t think of breaking another woman’s heart because I know what that feels like!!

@yellowpigeons thank you for your empathy and understanding

It's so hard OP, but you don't have to be sexually interested to be emotionally and even romantically interested. I feel you've imprinted onto this kind and interesting man like a gosling with no mama goose that follows a sheepdog around. When you say one of your motives in posting is to get it off your chest it's ringing an alarm bell, because angsting about the object of your affection is a way of maintaining that dopamine hit when they aren't there. It will just get messy and painful now if you continue. Leave your husband and find a lovely available man instead, you deserve it!

Your husband sounds like a dickhead. I hope you can summon up the strength to leave him and build a new, happier life for yourself and your children.

Is there anything we can say or suggest to help you start planning to leave your husband OP? He is awful. He's a misogynist who sees women as objects for sale and he's no role model at all for your teen daughters.

@supernooodle

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband was having chats about me and children to another woman

I agree, boundaries people. Honestly give yourself and him some privacy, stop over sharing. Work friends can be a mine field.

I share nothing about our relationship.

@Onthedunes has called it - withdrawal symptoms.
This should signal to you that whether it’s unconscious or consciously you are relying on him too much to meet a need. I think this could become awkward very quickly if you don’t pull back immediately.

It sounds like it’s innocent on his part, that he’s gone off to enjoy time with his new family as you’d expect and it’s you that is struggling with that. Even as a friendship, this sounds mismatched and if you’re not careful, he will think you’re a bunny boiler and avoid you altogether.

To my work colleagues, I probably come across as friendly and always available to listen to them but that’s in a work setting. Although colleagues have my number, if they were pestering me at home, I’d also back off. Sometimes the gossip at work is what passes the day so you don’t mind listening, but when I get home I don’t want to really hear from them again. When I’m on leave, I wouldn’t appreciate people texting me about work or wanting to text back and forth as that’s my family time.

I remember having babies and that time is magical. He is probably feeling besotted and in awe of his lovely wife for birthing their baby and enjoying having a newborn. He shouldn’t be thinking about anyone else or having to make chit chat.

Even if he has been a friend at work, I think it’s important to set yourself some boundaries as it sounds like you over-share. As someone who seems to attract folk who want to offload, I listen and care but if this persists, you start to feel a bit used and not want to chat anymore. It would be a shame if he felt this way and there was an atmosphere at work, but that’s a real possibility when you’re offloading on him so much. Talk to some real friends about your marriage or even better, a counsellor and then make plans to leave or have your DH leave. You’re being a doormat and you can’t keep expecting someone else to listen about your issues if you won’t take some responsibility for addressing it.

You say his wife wouldn’t mind, but I think she’d mind a great deal that you were confiding in her husband about how sexually adventurous you are! It’s totally inappropriate, and don’t think that other people in your office won’t have noticed your growing crush on this man.
Back off. He doesn’t give a fuck about missing a work meeting (and more importantly I suspect in your mind, a chance to cosy up to you.)

If his wife were to post here she’d be told he’s having an emotional affair

i think you are on the path to that, and you know it. You’re playing with fire

@Penny98

I sympathise...genuinely. It's so easy when you're going through a crappy time and someone comes along who gets it, and seems to get you, to become over-invested.

I've been there when my dad was dying...got chatting to a guy online about a shared hobby and it was hard to adjust when the all day, every day messages stopped as I'd come to rely on them as a kind of escapism from real life.

In the end, I came to view him as my Mary Poppins...there when I needed him (or what he provided in the way of distraction) and gone when the wind changed.

You need to stop using this friendship to escape the life you have, and work on building the life you want. I haven't read your other threads about your husband but it sounds like there are some big decisions you need to make, and perhaps you need to build a support network that doesn't include this man in order to do that.

He is not going to be as emotionally available now that he has a new baby in his world anyway.

It's time to move on.