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Original poster

Can't be intimate with DH because of incident

39 replies

FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:24

So DH and I were together 20 years. I had a bit of a meltdown about 5 years ago and asked him to move out. No infidelity, nothing major. Just a midlife crisis and genuine mental breakdown

We were separated for 2 years and I saw someone briefly halfway through. I immediately knew I was wrong in wanting to split.

DH never mentioned he was seeing someone. We were good friends and coparents so I had a key to his flat and he had keys to the house for kids, emergency etc.

One morning DS had left his PE kit and I knocked on. No answer. The living room blinds were semi open and I looked in (thinking he was probably asleep on couch, he worked nights and often did this) but he had a woman there and I saw them doing a certain sexual thing. It was a big shock

It wasn't my business. He did nothing wrong.

It wasn't a relationship with her, just casual thing.

We got back together eventually and everything is great, except I cannot do the thing with him I saw them do together.

I want to but everytime my mind goes there. And it's upsetting.
He's been so patient about it but said after years it feels like I'm punishing him for doing it.
I'm not. It was non of my business. We were seperated.

Its just burned into my brain and I don't know how to get over it.

If I knew he had been with someone then I obviously wouldn't know details and it wouldn't have been an issue. It's SEEING it that's, well, traumatised me really.

I want to do it but I just have this intrusive film of it in my head.

OP posts:
HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 18/10/2021 19:29

I think perhaps therapy would be the route forwards here, unless you've tried it already?

I am with your DP on this one, it does sound like he's being punished because you peeped!

You both saw other people, and you both know each other has done sexual things with other people. I understand from your end it's really hard as you are having these intrusive thoughts around the images of the act, but if you're back with your DP now but you're still hung up on the past you'll never be able to move forward.

AdaColeman · 18/10/2021 19:33

Hypnosis might help you overcome that problem.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 18/10/2021 19:34

Either stop punishing your husband for doing nothing wrong or divorce. This is so unfair.

Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:36

I had hyonosis for something else years ago and it didn't work.

If I knew he had a lady round I would never have looked through the window. It just just very unfortunate timing.

OP posts:
Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:37

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Either stop punishing your husband for doing nothing wrong or divorce. This is so unfair.
I'm not punishing him. I'm just finding it hard to do one specific sex act. We have a very good and active sex life besides this one thing.
OP posts:
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 19:39

CBT?

inmyslippers · 18/10/2021 19:39

Sex should be enjoyable. If it's not enjoyable don't push yourself to do it

drpet49 · 18/10/2021 19:40

* He's been so patient about it but said after years it feels like I'm punishing him for doing it.*

^ I agree with your husband.

category12 · 18/10/2021 19:42

Does one sex act matter that much? Is it really so important that you give him a blow job or whatever? If you have an otherwise good sex life.

Was it something you actively enjoyed doing before all this, or something you just did because it was expected?

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 18/10/2021 19:43

Is it something that you used to enjoy doing?

If it is, and you want to return to that then a course of counselling may help.

If it's not something that you want to do now, and weren't bothered about before then you should tell your DH that it's off the table.

Nobody should be made to do something they don't want to do.

Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:45

It's a certain position. Not really an act.

I don't feel it's a big deal as I was never really into it anyway but it obviously means something to him.

Part of me thinks I need to just do it, it might help me get over it but I've always strongly felt you should never be pressured into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 18/10/2021 19:45

Just do it? I know there will be outraged shouts of well you mustn't do anything you don't want to, which is true, but given it's become such a massive stumbling block and you don't seem to have anything against this act per se, maybe just doing it is the answer.

Has it built up so much that doing this one thing has become a bit of power play? As in he "wins" if you do it and you get some kind of emotional payload if you don't? If so just do it casually, without any kind of build up or discussion. Briefly maybe not the whole thing. See how that goes

TurnUpTurnip · 18/10/2021 19:45

I think people are being unfair, I would feel the same as you op.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/10/2021 19:45

Bloody hell! Punishment is deliberate! This is something that OP isnt consciously choosing not to do!
It's really not hard to understand! OP you could try emdr for this.

HappyintheHills · 18/10/2021 19:48

EMDR is supposed to be good at breaking that sort of link in your mind. So that the thought of it won’t bring up that memory.

ThePlantsitter · 18/10/2021 19:51

Yes I was going to suggest EMDR as well, but only if the memory bothers you generally - if it's just so you can do this thing that you're not bothered about doing anyway it feels a bit like 'fixing' you for his benefit.

Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:51

Definitely not a powerplay. I don't want to play games at all. It's been stressful enough without that rubbish.

OP posts:
PaleGreenGhost · 18/10/2021 19:54

I'm just wondering, & totally prepared to be wrong, if you are actually a tiny bit pissed off that he didn't tell you at the time he was seeing someone? That you were honest with him, but he wasn't quite with you, so the whole period of time somehow feels a bit less equal? And what you saw has kind of come to symbolise that feeling for you. Perhaps you can't shake the thought off because you've not shared that feeling with him?

Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:58

@PaleGreenGhost

I'm just wondering, & totally prepared to be wrong, if you are actually a tiny bit pissed off that he didn't tell you at the time he was seeing someone? That you were honest with him, but he wasn't quite with you, so the whole period of time somehow feels a bit less equal? And what you saw has kind of come to symbolise that feeling for you. Perhaps you can't shake the thought off because you've not shared that feeling with him?
Not really I wish he had told me so I didn't go round and see that! But he was under no obligation to disclose his personal life to me at that time.
OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/10/2021 19:58

Try EMDR supposed to be very good with this sort of thing.
emdrassociation.org.uk/

EeeByeGummieBear · 18/10/2021 19:59

Maybe a psychosexual therapist might be a good place to start?
It could be you nee CBT or EMDR or another form of therapy. However speaking to an expert in this area would help guide you.
I can see why your DH is viewing it as 'punishment' but it sounds like an emotional/physical block.
Sometimes our rationale minds and our emotional minds are on different pages.

category12 · 18/10/2021 20:45

Honestly if it's one position and you otherwise have a good sex life, I think he should give over pushing for it. It's scarcely "punishing" him, it's one thing you don't feel like doing.

Seems a lot of money and energy to get EMDR or something for the sake of it.

Original poster
FloorBees · 18/10/2021 20:48

@category12

Honestly if it's one position and you otherwise have a good sex life, I think he should give over pushing for it. It's scarcely "punishing" him, it's one thing you don't feel like doing.

Seems a lot of money and energy to get EMDR or something for the sake of it.

That's how I feel. If it were a BJ or something I can see why he would be put out, I wouldn't want to go without oral But we have a very varied sex life. I just don't want to get in the position they were in. When I feel his hands on me that way I see her
OP posts:
Neron · 18/10/2021 21:03

OK, so nobody should be forced to do something they aren't comfortable with, but equally this: When I feel his hands on me that way I see her
is not healthy. I also recommend EMDR therapy, but only do it if you want to move past it for your own sake.

Equally, you ended the relationship, and invaded his privacy by looking through his window and saw him doing something in his own home. That's not his fault either.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 18/10/2021 21:06

@category12

Honestly if it's one position and you otherwise have a good sex life, I think he should give over pushing for it. It's scarcely "punishing" him, it's one thing you don't feel like doing.

Seems a lot of money and energy to get EMDR or something for the sake of it.

This.

The titles a bit misleading, it reads like you're not having sex. It's one position in a varied sex life not no sex or intimacy. If you don't feel comfortable or don't like a specific position your OH should respect that and stop pushing.