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Relationships

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Original poster

Can't be intimate with DH because of incident

39 replies

FloorBees · 18/10/2021 19:24

So DH and I were together 20 years. I had a bit of a meltdown about 5 years ago and asked him to move out. No infidelity, nothing major. Just a midlife crisis and genuine mental breakdown

We were separated for 2 years and I saw someone briefly halfway through. I immediately knew I was wrong in wanting to split.

DH never mentioned he was seeing someone. We were good friends and coparents so I had a key to his flat and he had keys to the house for kids, emergency etc.

One morning DS had left his PE kit and I knocked on. No answer. The living room blinds were semi open and I looked in (thinking he was probably asleep on couch, he worked nights and often did this) but he had a woman there and I saw them doing a certain sexual thing. It was a big shock

It wasn't my business. He did nothing wrong.

It wasn't a relationship with her, just casual thing.

We got back together eventually and everything is great, except I cannot do the thing with him I saw them do together.

I want to but everytime my mind goes there. And it's upsetting.
He's been so patient about it but said after years it feels like I'm punishing him for doing it.
I'm not. It was non of my business. We were seperated.

Its just burned into my brain and I don't know how to get over it.

If I knew he had been with someone then I obviously wouldn't know details and it wouldn't have been an issue. It's SEEING it that's, well, traumatised me really.

I want to do it but I just have this intrusive film of it in my head.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 18/10/2021 21:30

Is it his favourite position or something? I don't see why one position missing from a varied and active sex life is such a big deal, especially since it sounds you don't enjoy it much anyways.

Is his actual issue the lack of it from your sex life or the reason why you won't do it?

Ledition · 18/10/2021 22:25

Gosh people are harsh on here. You poor thing OP. No one wants to see their husband in the middle of a sex act with another woman (unless you're into that kind of thing!) I would find that very, very difficult to get over. I don't think I could get back with him after that personally as like you it would forever be burned into my memory and likely to pop into my head at the worst times. Even the thought makes me queasy. As a pp said I think if you want to move past it then therapy is probably the only answer as time obviously hasn't helped.

I really don't blame you at all for your reaction as I'd be the very same.

Chillyjellytotty · 19/10/2021 08:52

Maybe I am missing something huge, but you don’t really like the position, you don’t want to do it, and you have a healthy sex life. Why is it such a huge deal, can you not just leave that position and do something else?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 19/10/2021 10:40

So you actually ARE intimate with him, in fact you have a good and varied sex life. There is however ONE position that you do not wish to have sex in (one that you have never really enjoyed) - and he has an issue with this? No. No one should be made to do anything sexual that makes them feel uncomfortable. If you had more extreme limitations on what you didn't want to do then I could see that a sexual relationship may not be satisfying/possible (still the solution would be to split, not to make someone do something reluctantly) but don't most people have at least one sexual position that they dislike for one reason or another? I would have thought that was totally normal. You don't have to explain your reason for not liking a particular sexual position, ANY reason is valid, but "I've seen my partner in this position with someone else" would put a significant chunk of people off it I would have thought (even if, as you say, you hold no grudge regarding him having had sex with someone else, it's just a bit too much to replicate exactly what you saw isn't it).

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2021 12:55

So, you never enjoyed it anyway?

It's ONE thing.

He needs to get over himself

beenwhereyouare · 23/10/2021 18:23

FloorBees, I remember your original post about this. I'm so sorry you're still struggling. I think people are getting the wrong idea about what he wants. Nothing unusual, very loving in fact.

I understand your feelings about his hands, but it's sad for both of you that this is still a problem. I imagine it brings back hurtful thoughts for him as well. I understand why you avoid it, but the pain won't go away or get better without outside help.
Maybe just therapy for you, to build your self-esteem, and some practical help to move beyond it.

Never forget you're together because you both want to be. You love one another; it took courage on both your parts to try again. Don't let this keep coming between you.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 18:34

You're allowed to have things you don't want to do for whatever reason. You have every right to say no to certain positions. You don't have to change in order to please him. If it's a no then its a no. There are a gazillion other positions.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 23/10/2021 18:45

I think your husband needs to get over himself and just let it go. Unless it's literally the only position he can finish in then it's just tough luck. Maybe your husband could try hypnosis, CBT, or EMDR to learn how to not pressure you into doing the one and only sex thing you don't want to do in an otherwise active and varied sex life?

Fetarabbit · 23/10/2021 18:50

Of course you shouldn't do anything you are uncomfortable with sexually, especially as its just one position and you say you have a varied sex life .

Lachimolala · 23/10/2021 19:35

So it’s one position out of literally hundreds of sexual positions out there and you both have a healthy varied sex life you both enjoy. Yet he’s saying you’re punishing him?

He is being entirely unreasonable and actually quite cruel. He is not automatically entitled to anything and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

Sammiekim · 23/10/2021 20:21

Just tell him you dont want to do it. He needs to respect that. If he cant get over not doing that one position then that's on him. But he cant expect you to get over something that is clearly still upsetting you for his own satisfaction.

It's one bloody position. If that is the be all or end all for him I'd let him walk

layladomino · 24/10/2021 19:33

As it's just one thing you don't want to do, and there's lots of other options open to you, it seems a bit much to get therapy. We are all entitled to have things we don't want to do sexually... the reason isn't really relevant - the fact is you don't want to do that. Should we all get therapy so we can do that thing to please our partner?

Your DH shouldn't be pressuring you in to doing something you don't want to do. It has nothing to do with punishing him.

If you yourself really wanted to regain the pleasure you once got from it, you could of course choose therapy for both your sakes. But when one person just doesn't want to do something, the other shouldn't pressure them.

Walkingalot · 24/10/2021 19:54

I'd be the same as you OP. It would be an absolute mental block for me. Knowing someone is in a sexual relationship is quite different to catching them in the act. Neither of you did anything wrong, it was all very unfortunate.
I'd take whatever it was they did off the table for an indefinite period. You may never do 'it' again but that's fine, surely? It's not like you're saying you never want sex with him again, just not 'that'.

TravelLost · 24/10/2021 20:01

@beenwhereyouare

FloorBees, I remember your original post about this. I'm so sorry you're still struggling. I think people are getting the wrong idea about what he wants. Nothing unusual, very loving in fact.

Never forget you're together because you both want to be. You love one another; it took courage on both your parts to try again. Don't let this keep coming between you.

I agree there.

Thé issue isn’t the position.
It’s the fact that it’s a reminder for you and him of that period.

I’d have a word with him, explain you’d like to get to the bottom of it and go down the counselling route. See what comes out.
I suspect that you’ll feel better about it once you have made peace with that part of your life/relationship.
I suspect he’ll also feel better about it too.

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