What you need here is some high-resolution thinking.
His accusations, blame toward you etc all rely on a vagueness around the actual details of what he's saying.
Imagine a low-res picture of indistinct blobs kind of mashed together. What's going on? Is it... two people? Is one attacking the other? Are they fighting? Having sex? When the image lacks details, it's really hard to say what's going on, you can only make guesses, and those guesses will reflect your own mindset. So you see two people cuddling, and he sees two people fighting. When you turn up the resolution (reveal more details), the clarity increases, and you can say with more confidence what's actually happening.
It's funny you say punish me @beastlyslumber as he talks alot about me punishing him, controlling him, wanting him to beg for forgiveness, but I've just wanted to be heard and understood. It makes me wonder if that's how his head works, that he pre plans his next move as such or whether it's genuine emotion on his part.
Both you and your husband lack clarity. You're both operating on vague feelings and assumptions that are generated by and reflect your own upbringing, experiences, and mindsets. It's quite possible that you're operating in a generally healthy way and he's operating in a generally unhealthy way, but it's hard for you to nail exactly why, because you're coming from fundamentally different perspectives and the details of where you differ are fuzzy.
So yeah, what he's doing probably "feels" genuine to him, but that doesn't mean it's right or healthy. To get clarity here, you have to turn up the resolution, refuse to accept vagueness and insist on trying to reach an honest agreement on details and facts.
When he tells you 'you want me to beg for forgiveness'*, what exactly is true about this statement and what is not?
Is it true that you want him to understand how he's hurt you and acknowledge that to you in a way that you feel is honest and reflective, or is it true that you want him to grovel and humiliate himself for hurting you and promise to do anything you want? There's a massive difference between those two interpretations.
If you feel the first way and say that, but he refuses to believe you and insists that you feel the latter, that's a real problem because he is telling you what you think.
It should go without saying that the only person who really, truly knows what you think is YOU. In the same way, the only person who really knows what he thinks is him. You need to be willing to openly address the possibility that he really believes you will never forgive him until he gives up all his power in the relationship.
If you honestly know you don't want him to grovel, but he keeps saying you do and keeps being angry at you for it, that might be how he truly feels, but he can't make it reality just by repeating it.
Actually, that's not strictly true – if he rages and unfairly blames you and denigrates you long enough, you eventually might become hurt and angry enough to feel that the only way he truly could ever win back your affections is by totally grovelling and throwing himself on your mercy! This is what it means when we say someone is creating a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'.
To sum up, if you can self-reflect, evaluate and express your own position honestly and openly but find that he can or will absolutely not accept your truth, you must accept that having a successful relationship with him is impossible.