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Original poster

Does getting back with an ex ever really work?

26 replies

tulpudo · 18/10/2021 17:30

Hi all,

About 3 months ago I split with my DP of 4 years, he was the one to finally end it though I had tried to multiple times before and the decision was mutual.

On the whole we had a good relationship while it lasted, the last 6 months to a year we both became very complacent, not putting in much effort and I just felt very underappreciated by him. This was also not helped my covid (like many relationships I'm sure). I tried talking through these issues but he became defensive and I think he sensed a break up was looming and our relationship just fell apart.

When we first broke up I was quite relieved tbh, I know he took it hard at first and wanted to get back together soon after, but I stood firm and said we needed space from one another and it wasn't going to happen. I started chatting to someone casually about a month ago and we have seen each other a few times but it's fizzled out as I can't really be bothered for it.

My ex DP and I had no contact for the last few months until I decided to reach out about a week ago and see how he was doing. We didn't end things on the best note and I suppose this was my attempt at at least restoring some sort of civil understanding between us.

Since then I cannot get him out of my head, I realise that I miss him so much and I do actually still love him. Since we have split he has got a new job, has started doing more with friends and family and he's basically transformed into the man I always wanted him to be when we were together that he had certainly lost in the later stages. I realise things will take time but is it a mistake to take things slow and see if something can be restored? He has expressed he feels the same as me but I'm just hesitant as I don't want to bring up old wounds and hurt each other all over again.

Has anyone had an experience of things working out with an ex or is this just asking for pain and better to be left alone?

OP posts:
Gothichouse40 · 18/10/2021 17:34

Just in my own opinion- don't look back.

Redyellowblue34 · 18/10/2021 17:39

I tried to find a middle ground with STXH. It was worth doing to find out that splitting up was the ONLY possible option. I am able to keep moving on and wish him the best.

Original poster
tulpudo · 18/10/2021 20:01

Thanks for your responses. It is a hard one but as you say @redyellowblue34 I do worry about the regretful feeling of not giving it another shot. I think time will tell, not sure if I'm just feeling particularly emotional and stressed atm!

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 18/10/2021 22:24

In my experience, giving it another shot is bloody hard work. It can feel forced and often comes with really high unrealistic expectations. Sometimes the past is best left where it is.

DukeofEarlGrey · 18/10/2021 22:27

I did all kinds of (worthwhile) work on myself that led me to think it would work the second time around. It didn’t, but it was worth exploring because now I can fully move on. My advice though would be to save yourself the effort and don’t look back.

chipsandgin · 18/10/2021 22:35

Nope.

Anxietytakesover · 18/10/2021 22:38

Don't look back. Plenty more people out there who can make you happy with no effort Smile

Jasmine00 · 18/10/2021 23:15

@Gothichouse40

Just in my own opinion- don't look back.
Agree!!
Yoyo007 · 18/10/2021 23:41

In a similar position @tulpudo and wondering the exact same. I feel like I wouldn’t always want to wonder ‘what if’ now that we have done some work on ourselves. So I’m going down the route of giving something a go. And I feel if it doesn’t work out then at least there should be a bit more acceptance from both parties because you’ve been through it once before.

It does sometimes seem like I’m just taking the easy option because it’s the path of least resistance though….for me anyway.

Maria1982 · 18/10/2021 23:47

I’m going to go against the consensus so far here and say, Yes, sometimes it can work.

I did it. Wasn’t easy. Together 4 years (from very young, at uni), apart 2 years. We got back together again. Some of our issues were still there , we worked through them.

If you’re always going to wonder ‘what if’ then it seems sensible to give it a go again to me. We can waste a lot of time with what ifs…

Peach01 · 18/10/2021 23:55

It hasn't for me. The same problems were still there with the added layer of both of us experiencing single life again. I found myself regretting it and wishing I had stuck it out be done and dusted with the heartache. I knew deep down we were better off apart, splitting for good was the best decision ever.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/10/2021 00:04

I don't think it's a mistake to try especially as you both feel the same. As you said you should take it slowly, just go on dates and don't fall back into your old ways.

sunnyzweibrucken · 19/10/2021 00:14

I don’t see anything wrong with at least trying but I think the issues that caused the initial break up have to resolved for it to work.

I know quite a few people that got back with an ex and it worked out so yes it is possible.

me4real · 19/10/2021 00:53

I think he'd soon go back to being how he was before you split up. Most of the improvements would fall away.

Laladell · 19/10/2021 04:57

Getting back with an ex was one of the worst decisions I personally, ever made

TheWestIsTheBest · 19/10/2021 05:20

It worked for me, 25th wedding anniversary coming up in a few months.

Sidehustle99 · 19/10/2021 05:31

You were together for 4 years you know who he is. The 3 month version is smoke and mirrors. Can you accept what he's been up to while you were apart?

IMO it doesn't work unless there has been some significant work done during the split. I guess at least you could say you really tried, but didn't you try before? If there isn't kids involved I would move on.

WanderingLost167 · 19/10/2021 11:35

I'm currently in the process of getting back with an ex, but as a more relaxed fwb situation. There's attraction and the emotional complications that we had before on his side seem to have been resolved...

But they say, never go back?

TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 13:09

Sometimes it works, if both parties are determined to make the necessary changes and compromises.

Have you had a discussion with him about what you both want from a relationship and how you will do things differently in the future to make sure that both your needs are met? I'm thinking you haven't, and your current issue is based in an 'Ohhhh, but I really miss him' mindset.

Don't blunder back in on the 'But we really love each other...' cloud. If it was a good relationship, it would have worked. It needs to be a different relationship next time, and you need to know how and why before you even start.

It can work, but not very often. It's far more common to feel low self esteem after a relationship breakdown, and crave the esteem boost of your partner accepting you back; I suspect that's where you're at, and that it would be better for you to focus on being happy without him.

TreeSmuggler · 19/10/2021 13:50

It hasn't personally worked for me, I've been desperate to get back together with an ex, we did, and within just minutes I was remembering why we broke up!

However I think it can work. One thing I'd say though is try it once, and that's it. Sometimes people start a cycle of breaking up and getting back together and that never works out long term.

Munchkinpumpkin · 19/10/2021 20:56

The same problems will be lurking there it just depends if you have both learnt different ways to deal with them .. that means understanding how and where it went wrong and how you could deal with it in a better way

TheWestIsTheBest · 20/10/2021 00:00

Yes I think I should qualify my success story. We only broke up as we were very young and panicked a bit. Even though we 'broke up' we still kept seeing each other, and soon realised that we were still in love, so we got back together again. So we weren't breaking up because we weren't right for each other, and there were no issues to get over. So I suppose not a typical break up and then get back together story. I don't want to give people false hope, as I do think it doesn't work out for most people.

Suprima · 20/10/2021 00:07

Perhaps if you are 19 break up and reconnect in your late twenties, maybe…

However- he’s only seeming to have had a glow up because he has to put himself out there.

If you got back together he’d be back to square one with the uselessness and passivity.

My ex did the same. I never considered getting back with him, I saw him on Instagram thinks he was doing a bit more, had some get up and go. Good on him, I thought. He was always lazy with no hobbies and a bit of a scruff unless it was a ‘fancy’ event.

Unfortunately it’s all for show. He’s still useless, living off sainsburys ravioli and relying on a less attractive version of me to show him how the washing machine works

Don’t
Look
Back

RantyAunty · 20/10/2021 00:12

No. Write down all the things you didn't like about him or the relationship.
All those things are still there.

The improvements you are seeing from the outside, are currated to attract someone. One he has a new one hooked hell revert back to the real him.

ABitOfAShitShow · 20/10/2021 00:28

I have to say, almost all of the couples in my inner circle broke up for a time and are now very happy. Even my parents did a few times (before they had kids) and they’ve now been married 52 years.

Personally, I got back with one - a ‘special’ one. It didn’t work out but I’m very glad we tried again or I would have forever wondered what if. And he’s a great guy. We just couldn’t make it work despite loving each other wildly.

Only you know really. Smile

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