Want to leave my husband

[dcolagirl]

I don't really know where to start with this. When I was 15 I had a boyfriend I adored. He treated me badly (although I wasn't completely innocent) and after 3.5 years, he cheated on me and we split. I carried on seeing him behind his 'new' girlfriends back and then we went our separate ways. I have always loved him and always will. He had 3 kids with the new girlfriend and they have split - amicably - and we have been in touch.

I was friends with dh for 6 years before we became partners. We got engaged after 6 months and married 2.5 years later. My Dad was elderly and dh was my best friend. Looking back now, I think I married him because I was scared of being left on the shelf (hardly likely at 21 but I thought time was running out), I wanted my Dad to see me get married and I wanted kids. Dh seemed convenient, I suppose. He 'fitted' and my family liked him, plus, I was almost desperate for another relationship.

We've been married for almost 3 years now, my Dad has died (18 months ago) and we have 2 children. Ds is 2 years 1 month and dd is 9 months. Dh has stayed at home up until now (after my maternity leave) and looked after the kids. We have now decided he is going to work full time and are trying to find a childminder.

Anyway, the crux of the problem is this. I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I love him in a friend kind of way but he is still desperately in love with me. He suffocates me. He is so possessive, he checks my mobile, never lets me have any free time, checks my bank statements, credit card statements, you name it, yet I'm the one bringing in the money (fortunately I have a fairly good job). He pesters me for sex all the time (and by all the time, I mean 3 or 4 times a day) and I don't want it. This morning he cuddled up to me in bed and I just wanted to scream at him to get off, he kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head away.

I finished the relationship once before, before we got married, and within a month I wanted him back.

I don't know what to do.

To make matters more complicated, I am still in touch with my ex. We haven't slept together, in fact, we haven't even kissed, but my feelings for him are still as strong as they ever were.

I know that it would be wrong to leave dh for my ex and that isn't my intention but dh adores the kids, has no family and nowhere to go.

I don't know where I stand with benefits or help with childcare costs, I earn £25k per annum. I really need some help and advice, from people who have already done this! Should I stay put and see how I feel in a few months or move now and get it all over and done with?

Oh, just another thing to add - dh started a conversation last week with "if we have three kids, you can't leave me" and promptly threw my pills away. I've since had the injection to stop pregnancy happening but it's a power thing, and I won't be / don't want to be controlled.

dcolagirl - sounds like things are complicated. Don't rush into anything but on the other hand don't just sit back and let life happen to you. I think the best advice is to try and keep yur ex out of the equation for the time being. I know its hard but he is currently just an added complication.

Do you think you can rescue something from your marriage? Your DH's behaviour is out of order. Although you're being the"one bringing in the money" isn't really the point. He is looking after your children so it is family money and his as much as yours. Its the trust issue thats the point. He really sounds insecure and like he doesn't trust you and is scared of losing you. Unless you can get things on a bit more of an equal footing I think you are going to struggle. Do you think he feels insecure from not working? Has he always been like this or has it got worse recently?

Hi dcolagirl - so sorry to hear about your predicament.

I have been in a similar situation - I married ex dh aged 20, and even on our wedding day I knew I had done the wrong thing. I stayed with him for 11 years and we had 2 children. Like you, I was the breadwinner, and like you, he pestered me for sex the whole time. Like you I don't think I ever really loved him, yet often thought I could love him as a friend. Obviously our situations are very different (there was no ex on the scene for me), but I think I can relate to how you must be feeling in many ways.

First of all, do you think that relationship counselling could help, or do you think it has gone too far for that now? IME it is SO hard to be honest with yourself about what YOU really want in this situation, because of course you are desperately concerned for your little ones, as well as your dh. For me, I spent years in denial about it because although I was unhappy with him, I was afraid to leave him for all sorts of reasons (how would I cope as a single mum? how would he cope all on his own? etc etc).

Eventually I met another man and started an affair. This forced the marriage to end. When I look back I feel that I was too much of a coward to end it for the real reason (i.e. I just didn't love him any more). I moved out with the children and in with my mum.

I won't go into all the gory details because of course this was my experience and not really relevant to you! But what I would like to say is this - firstly, be really honest with yourself about what you want and whether your marriage can be saved. I went through relationship counselling knowing deep down it was too late - and of course it was a failure! Perhaps seeing a counsellor individually could help you to clarify what it is you really want for yourself?

If you do decide to leave your husband, make sure you have all your practical needs catered for - somewhere to go, someone to help with the children, as many sources of emotional support as you can get - because it will be tough for a while. I'd also suggest putting your boss in the picture and enlisting work's support - my ex boss was very, very supportive, gave me time off and allowed me to work partially from home while I was getting back on my feet.

Get practical advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau - even on £25K a year you will probably be eligible for some benefits and help with childcare costs via tax credits. Also see your solicitor for advice relating to finances, property and childcare arrangements.

Do not stay with dh out of pity ("dh adores the kids, has no family and nowhere to go" - he WILL cope. Mine did - but he was a mess for a while. If you stay with him out of pity, you are shortchanging both yourself, him and your children.

It sounds to me that your ex is incidental to your situation and certainly not the reason for you feeling you want to leave your husband. I know for me in some ways leaving dh for another man made things much more complicated, but also provided a source of love and support at a very vulnerable time in my life.

Let me just say that I have been down this road, and I am still here! It was tough for quite a long time - you don't get over your marriage breaking up overnight, that's for sure - but I did get through it, and I don't regret it for one moment. For me (and him) it was the right thing to do and we are both much happier now. He has the children regularly and we are on civil terms.

Good luck dcolagirl, whatever you decide to do x

Sorry about that totally inappropriate smiley, it was an accident!

He sounds very insecure to me, so he is trying to exercise power over you but it is backfiring on him. He probably has nothing else to think about all day.

I suggest that if you want to salvage your relationship, you need to sit down and have a talk about your life together. You could start by showing him this thread. HTH. R

dcolagirl, you sound very sure about your feelings - both for ex and your husband - and your husband's insecurities are probably fuelled by him picking up on your vibes about him and how dissatisfied you are with everything just now. No excuses for his bad behaviour, just an observation. I'm sure the children however young pick up on this too...
I would sit tight for a bit because there are changes happening eg childminder which make the boat feel rocky. I don't mean don't do anything...but given you've gone back before, it may be that you do care for him and not just 'someone'. oh this all sounds a bit critical of you, it's not meant to be, but I hope this is resolved amicably. no one should stay together just because of the children or they feel guilty.

Do you think he might fight you for the children? I don't mean to sound scary but he is in a position to do so. Don't rush into anything. Would he go for counselling? He is behaving very badly esp reading your post etc. Have you told him to stop this?

I left my husband at the begining of September with my three children. It took me two years to make the decision, I was on the verge of doing it so many times, even to the point of lookingat houses to rent, but I now beleive that I did it at the right time for myself and my children. If you think that there is anything to be salvaged in the relationship, and by that I mean can you ever love him, then try couselling, if not and you are 100% sure of it, then leave. I went to counselling for over 12 months and found it very helpful but I had a lot of other problems apart from my marriage. My children were considerably older than yours, and their reaction makes me certain that I did the right thing. My salary is less then half yours, I do get some benefits but at the moment I pay rent on the house I am in and still have to pay half the mortgage on the former maritial home unti l it is sold! Money isn't the most important thing in hte world, yours and your childrens happiness is. My advice is, don't rush anything, it can be horrid leaving I am very lucky that where my children have been concserned I have been very blessed in their behaviour and their reactions. Let us know how you are and I shall remember you in my prayers.

I would seriously consider Relate - if he won't go then in a way you have your answer. The only way this is going to work in the long term is if he is prepared to change, be less possesive, reduce his sexual demands ( crikey - I feel weak at the very idea of 3 times a day - and NOT weak with excitement - 3 times a week would be pushing it these days!) it is incredible difficult to really talk thru' serious issues like these without professional help and Relate can be very helpful _ we've been and we have a healthy marriage ( I hope!) but there was one particular issue that kept rearing its head and rather than go round in circles ( like my parents did) I was determind that we wouldn't and would face up to it - and it DID help us ( or at least the problem hasn't been a problem since and it's 2 years ago now).
AT least if you do try counselling and it doesn't work then you'll spend less time reproaching yourself and thinking ''maybe I could have tried harder''...

Thanks guys - it's so great to know I'm not on my own. Things took a turn last night. I got home from work and he asked what was wrong (again..) so I told him. I basically said I don't know how I feel, I love him but don't think I'm in love with him etc. I said that at that moment, the very last thing I want is sex. He went to peices (I left out the bit about my ex, because, as the advice below rightly says, this just muddies the waters right now) and he went over my Mum's for a few hours.

The other thing that is going on is I have gynae problems which have been ongoing since dd was born 9 months ago. I had a scan 2 weeks ago and they have found something in my womb lining. I had some cancerous cells in this area before having the kids so am worried about it - I get the results next week. I have also had the contraceptive injection, as I said before, and am constantly bleeding (have been for a couple of weeks) yet dh still wants to have sex.

Anyway, he came home and I went to bed. This morning I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I have been thinking hard about what to do and I think it would be detrimental for the kids not to have their Dad around right now. I also think that my hormones are all over the place and I don't want to make any rash decisions, so, we are going to get some counselling. I've said that this is an attempt to save our marriage - no promises - and if I still feel the same in 6 months time then we will split amicably. Dh seems happy with that for now. I have told him what needs to change and he said he is willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage so that's a start. I am now having a night out to myself each week, to do whatever I like, see whoever I like, with no checking up, which is great, and he is doing the same. He has Tuesdays and I have Thursdays.

He said that he will never have sex again if that's what it takes and it was such a relief to get into bed last night, knowing he isn't going to try it on.

We are going to see another childminder tonight so hopefully the kids will get settled soon, we'll have more money coming in and we might even consider moving.

I'll keep you posted - and thanks again for all your support. DC X

Well done dcolagirl - it sounds like you have been very rational and thoughtful about all this. Glad to hear about the counselling and hope its helpful for you both to clarify things (whatever the outcome).

The only thing that made me pause was your husband saying he would accept never having sex again. That sounds more like a desperate reaction to keep you than reality in the long term.

It definitely was a desperate reaction, however, I think he will be happy to wait until things are right between us before we resume a normal sex life. The issue is, with him, that he wants it AT LEAST every day, and for me, I would be happy with once a week. He complains that we had a lot of sex when we got together but now I've had 2 kids, I work full time, I run a 3 bed house as opposed to back then, we were living in a 1 bed flat, no responsbilities. I'm just too damned tired! and the hassle from him for it makes me not want it even more.

I honestly think he has a chemical imbalance i.e. too much testosterone. He has said he will go to the doctors.

dcolagirl, sorry I haven't written before, just wanted to offer my support. It sounds like you have made progress with DH. It is perfectly normal for stresses of every day life to kill libido a bit - dh and I only make love once a week and used to 4 or 5 times a week ! We are just both too knackered. I think he needs to understand all the demands on you. Perhaps he can help a bit more with the house running ? Anyway it sounds like you have made progress. It sounds like his obsessive sexual appetite is a reaction to feeling insecure to me and needing to know that you want / love him.

dcolagirl, just want to add my good wishes and hope the counselling helps, as you maybe aware I am having marital problems at the moment and a forum where you can both sit down and explore your feelings in a controlled way, where the counsellor makes sure you both have chance to put your thoughts across is really beneficial. I'm not pretending it is easy or that things are at all rosy between sessions, but the one thing it has made us do is talk honestly to each other for the first time in years and I do believe that in the long run this will be a real positive.
Good luck with this and also with the test results, am thinking of you.

I haven't posted before but thought I would because in a way our situations are similar. I have been with DH for 10 years and married for four and it has been a rocky road, either very good or absolutely bloody awful. I have to say that I know exactly how you feel when you say that you aren't sure if you are "in love" with your husband and that you may have married him for the wrong reasons. I recently posted about troubles with DH - his insecurity etc etc and have since let things slide by just ignoring the problems.

I would be really interested to hear how your counselling goes - I have suggested to it to DH but he flatly refused, this led to a discussion about a separation which resulted in so much mud slinging and tears that nothing ever got resolved. Now we are just coasting along as if all is well.

Sorry if this is rambling - it is helping me to sort my thoughts .

Hope that things get resolved for you.
Dejags

dejags, we went to counselling a few years back, before we were married and I think it either makes or breaks you (or a bit of both along the way). we veered between one of us virtually ending it one week to name calling and downright nastiness to tears in front of the counsellor. in the end we stopped - she treated us like naughty, needy children - which I suppose in way we were. but we took that decision together and felt empowered by it.
our 'crunch' came when I'd been away for a week staying with my parents and we met outside the counselling session, in the middle of a busy London street. He cried & cried and later told me that was when he knew he couldn't live without me. The reason we'd broken up was his lack of commitment and I think he needed to go throughthe mill as much as I'd been if we were ever to get back together again. We still row lots but deep down know how important we are to each other. sorry bit of a ramble & not that helpful. but I think my main point is that the counselling was helpful.

Although I feel much better for getting how I feel off my chest, dh keeps on and on at me to make my mind up. I open my eyes in the morning and he is there, in my face, saying "you need to make your mind up". It's driving me crazy. I told him this morning that the more he pressures me, the more I am likely to say GO.

He always leaves me to do everything and last night I told him that HE can sort the marriage guidance out. This will be a true test. If he doesn't do it, and we don't go, it's over.

We saw a childminder last night and she was FANTASTIC. Trouble is, is dh and I split, the childminding bill will be about £500 per month, which I can't afford on my own.

Who do I need to contact regarding benefits that I might be entitled to? I need to get the facts before I make a decision about my marriage.

Sorry to go but have just called the WFTC line and am entitled to £102.44 per week! That means, on the basis of me paying ALL the bills and getting no money from dh, I will have £480 per month for food and diesel etc.

Feeling very positive now - will tell dh to go tonight. Update tomorrow.

Sounds like you have decided, then dcolagirl.
All the best, thinking of you all!

Sorry, I haven't posted here before, but have read all the thread. I am worried for you that you are making this decision because of the reappearance of the ex-boyfriend. You say that you finished with your dh for a while before you got married, but wanted him back. Are you sure that you won't feel the same after you split? If you do, it will be really confusing for your children.

It DOES sound like he has a major problem with not trusting you, and that he could do with some help, as it is totally unacceptable to be so possessive. However, he has now said that you can have more free time, and is going to have some himself, so that is a step in the right direction. Also, it sounds like he is so desperate for sex because of the trust issue. Perhaps if you tried harder to like him and show it he would relax about the trust issue, and lay off wanting sex so often?

Don't make any rash decisions. It certainly doesn't hurt to know what financial help you are entitled to, but think really carefully.

Finally, leave the ex in the past. He wasn't trustworthy before (seeing you while with his new girlfriend), and you would never be able to trust him. Don't use him as a reason to leave your dh, and be honest and accept that this is what you are doing deep down. If you leave, you should leave because the relationship is not right, not because you want to be with someone else. The ex clouds the issue too much, and I believe that you need to have him out of your life before you can be really fair to your dh and make the right decision.

Sorry to sound so 'holier than thou'. I'm not really like that!

Having a REALLY bad day. Dh has gone off the rails, stolen my children, consulted a solicitor and promised to make this as difficult as possible. He has also rang my Mum, tried to turn my entire family against me and manipulated the truth.

Then, an hour later, he calls and says he has made (and paid for) an appointment with a counsellor. He will do anything to save the marriage and has given up smoking.

My head is about to burst, I'm on a week long course next week that I HAVE to pass and I'm broke. I'm starting to get angry and I don't want to.

I'm having 'my night' tonight so I might just find a quiet spot and sit in the car and think for a few hours.

dcolagirl - it does sound like things have become pretty messy all of a sudden. Did your parents know you were having marital problems? Where as your husband taken your children?

Dcola girl, hope you can get things sorted out in your head. Your dh sounds so desperate and needy (at the moment at least), no wonder you want to back away.

You say he wants to work outside the home while your children go to a childminder. This is a really big change - it's bound to affect both you and him - he'll have lots more to think about so that takes the pressure off you. He'll make new friends, too, with a bit of luck. Also work could tire him out so much, the demands for sex will dry up a bit.

Can you bear to wait it out and see what your relationship is like once he's back at at work? - and go to counselling in the meantime? If it's still not good, at least you will feel that you gave it one more try.

Also, your children will already be used to going to a childminder and your dh will have some financial independence, hopefully making a split less traumatic on a practical level.

Hope you see a way ahead. I really don't know what I'd do in your shoes, probably wait a while if I'm honest, because I'm a coward, but then, of course I don't know your dh.

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dcolagirl - I have changed my view slightly! It seems that your dh's actions are those of a desperate man. It is totally unacceptable for him to involve your children in this decision. It is his way of showing you that he can make you do what he wants by threatening you with the loss of your children. Also, by involving the family he is trying to make you feel exiled, and therefore make you want to be accepted into the family fold again.

All of his actions, including the fact that he then went back to original plan of a counsellor, are (probably subconsciously) designed to leave you feeling unsure of yourself. His behaviour is not that of a mature and secure man, but those of someone totally scared. It also sounds like your relationship is slightly mentally abusive. He is scared to lose you, so pesters you for sex; He checks on your every move, etc etc.

You need to get this counselling if your relationship is to survive. If you want it to, I'm sure that it is not too late to make him change, and perhaps to change a bit yourself ( ).

As I said before, I think (and this is only based on experience of other people that I know) that you want this ex-boyfriend. Perhaps you think that he will 'rescue' you from your current situation? I know that you say that you have not even kissed yet, but by seeing him, and wanting to be with him, you are mentally committing adultary, and are not giving yourself space to consider your dh, and the problem at hand. Get him out of the picture, if only for a couple of weeks. Counselling will not work unless you are 100% committed to it.

Good luck, I really hope that you work this out, as I can imagine that you feel horrible.