Want to leave my husband

[dcolagirl]

I don't really know where to start with this. When I was 15 I had a boyfriend I adored. He treated me badly (although I wasn't completely innocent) and after 3.5 years, he cheated on me and we split. I carried on seeing him behind his 'new' girlfriends back and then we went our separate ways. I have always loved him and always will. He had 3 kids with the new girlfriend and they have split - amicably - and we have been in touch.

I was friends with dh for 6 years before we became partners. We got engaged after 6 months and married 2.5 years later. My Dad was elderly and dh was my best friend. Looking back now, I think I married him because I was scared of being left on the shelf (hardly likely at 21 but I thought time was running out), I wanted my Dad to see me get married and I wanted kids. Dh seemed convenient, I suppose. He 'fitted' and my family liked him, plus, I was almost desperate for another relationship.

We've been married for almost 3 years now, my Dad has died (18 months ago) and we have 2 children. Ds is 2 years 1 month and dd is 9 months. Dh has stayed at home up until now (after my maternity leave) and looked after the kids. We have now decided he is going to work full time and are trying to find a childminder.

Anyway, the crux of the problem is this. I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I love him in a friend kind of way but he is still desperately in love with me. He suffocates me. He is so possessive, he checks my mobile, never lets me have any free time, checks my bank statements, credit card statements, you name it, yet I'm the one bringing in the money (fortunately I have a fairly good job). He pesters me for sex all the time (and by all the time, I mean 3 or 4 times a day) and I don't want it. This morning he cuddled up to me in bed and I just wanted to scream at him to get off, he kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head away.

I finished the relationship once before, before we got married, and within a month I wanted him back.

I don't know what to do.

To make matters more complicated, I am still in touch with my ex. We haven't slept together, in fact, we haven't even kissed, but my feelings for him are still as strong as they ever were.

I know that it would be wrong to leave dh for my ex and that isn't my intention but dh adores the kids, has no family and nowhere to go.

I don't know where I stand with benefits or help with childcare costs, I earn £25k per annum. I really need some help and advice, from people who have already done this! Should I stay put and see how I feel in a few months or move now and get it all over and done with?

robinw, I beg to differ when you say that children really need both their parents. IMHO, what they actually need are two happy parents but this does not mean they have to be together. It's far better to have two parents who are apart and happy rather than two who are together and miserable.

On the other hand, I have a friend going through a custody battle at the moment and it's not pretty...

Good luck with whatever you decide, Dcolagirl.

Thanks. Like I said, dh has booked counselling next Tuesday, but, this morning he started to pack and said he couldn't face another 4 days without knowing.

He is going for acupuncture this morning to help give up smoking.

I am so sick of just talking, talking, talking to him. We go through the same conversation again and again.

On a more positive note, dh spoke to his Dad last night (they haven't spoken for 3 years) and he is going over to see him Saturday afternoon. He's building bridges so at least he'll have some support if we do split.

dcolagirl, i'm so sorry to hear things are so awful for you at the moment, I really do feel for you. The way your dh is behaving reminds me SO much of the way mine reacted in a similar situation. He is indeed a desperate man, and of course his behaviour will only drive you further away.

I can imagine the last thing you need is to have to go on this course next week. Obviously it's an important course, but would it be at all possible to reschedule it? Have you spoken to your boss about what is happening? I'd suggest it would be a very good idea to put your boss in the picture and get his/her support if possible.

My dh went off the rails in a similar manner when our split was imminent and for a while after. He was a SAHD and I was the full time breadwinner, and I must admit I was afraid that he would go for custody of the children. He certainly threatened to take them away from me and all sorts, but it was his anger and pain speaking.

I am concerned for your little ones being pulled from pillar to post by your dh who sounds, frankly, unstable. Do you think it might be better for everyone if you took the children to stay with a relative or friend for a week or so - this would at least remove the children from the immediate crisis. It would also give you some space from dh to think. Yes, your dh will panic and go berserk if you do this, but it will bring home to him that you are serious, and that his current behaviour is unacceptable and making any form of reconciliation impossible. You can then make it clear to him that you are only willing to deal with him when he calms down and behaves in a reasonable manner towards you.

Just my opinion dcolagirl - thinking of you and hoping you find the best way through this x

By the way, I agree with Soupdragon - it is better for your children to have two happy but separate parents than two unhappy together parents, without a doubt. My advice is, do NOT stay with your husband out of either pity for him or "for the sake of the children". You wouldn't be doing yourself, your husband or your children any favours by doing this.

Yes, dh HAS threatened to fight me for the children but I have told him not to bother as I will win. He has a record (criminal) and I do not, I work, he doesn't, he smokes, I don't, he is unstable, I'm not (well, most of the time!), I have a good strong family locally, he doesn't. The list goes on. He'd NEVER win. He has jumped from job to job all his life, I've been with the same place since I was 17.

I am going to bite the bullet, get through the weekend by hook or by crook and get this counselling next week. I'm hoping it will help confirm whether or not this marriage is worth saving, and if it isn't, at least we'll (hopefully) agree on that and be able to work together to put the kids first. My poor little darlings have got to be protected from all this. They seem to be oblivious at the moment but when they get a bit older I am sure they will pick up on it.

Just like to add that yes, obviously it's best for kids to live with two blissfully happy parents - but, as the product of a "broken home", I agree strongly that it is much better to be with one happy parent than two unhappy ones.

You sound very determined and strong, stay positive. Good wishes and hope you get the outcome you want.

Mmm, it's been a while since I updated you all. Last wednesday I was on a course towards my degree and dh started the moment he opened his eyes. The upshot of it all was that he ended up smashing the phone up after I threatened to call the police and bruised my arms by trying to prevent me from leaving. He did all this in front of the kids, ds (2.1 yrs) was terrified and confused.

I went to my Mum's and called the police.

The, same old thing, "I'm sorry" "I love you" "I'm gonna kill myself" etc followed by rapid swings from suicide to threats of burning the house down. The kids were with me at my Mum's by this point.

Things seemed to calm down and we have our appointment with Relate looming.

Thursday night I got home and the Health Visitor had been round to see Mark and the kids, on his request. He had spewed out our problems and all 'my' problems (all from his point of view) and the HV is now convinced I am depressed. I KNOW I'm not.

So, we muddled through the weekend - dh on his BEST behaviour to the point of making me nauseous. Last night I popped round to see a friend who is due to have a baby is 4 weeks so it gave me a few hours out of the house (I never leave to go anywhere until the kids are in bed for fear of wasting the precious time I have with them), some time away from dh and the opportunity to offload shedloads of baby stuff.

I got in at 10.40pm, having left at 8pm, and dh was a mess. He had convinced himself that I am seeing someone else, lied about having me followed and supposedly been seen kissing another man (so I knew he was lying because I hadn't!) and - to top it all off (thank god this is anonymous!) - he wanted to check my knickers for proof.

I lost the plot. Told him I don't love him and I am starting to despise him. I slept at my Mums and came home before ds and dd got up.

This morning he was sorry - of course - but said that we need to keep things amicable for the kids sake. He suggested renting ds's room from me for £200 a month so he can still be close to the kids but I said no. I think it will just complicate things in the kids minds and he needs to go and live elsewhere, although he can see them whenever he likes.

He has also made things OK with his Dad and took ds over to see him last weekend so at least he does have some family to turn to now and won't use that against me.

I feel so guilty when I look at my babie's faces and keep asking myself "am I doing what is right for them?".

yes you are dcolagirl. you are being incredibly strong and doing what is right for everyone involved in the long run.

dcolagirl, your husband sounds like a total nightmare. I know you are telling us the bad stuff but it is hard to see what good stuff could possibly compensate for all the sh*te he is putting you and the kids through.
I am really concerned about him physically grappling with you,throwing your pills away, and also about the suicide threats and getting the HV to see this as some kind of mental problem YOU have! Bloody cheek!
I once knew a man like this and he behaved in many of the ways you described. He was extremely clever but had somehow never managed to get his act together jobwise. I feel I had a lucky escape.As for the chemical imbalance - he had that too.
Sorry if this is out of order but he sounds like an extremely manipulative person.
Please be careful, and don't feel guilty if the marriage is indeed over.
Frankly he does not sound sane.
Are you on your course this week?
Did he start his job?

I have an appointment at the doctors this afternoon. Dh came home last night and was so calm and collected. He said he is devastated that I don't love him anymore but said we need to be friends for the kids sake. He started talking about money and when he will have the kids etc and I broke down.

I have been so strong through all of this but now I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My car battery was flat this morning and the kids were already in the car, ready to go to my Mum's and I just sat in the car and cried for ages. I honestly don't know what I want. Do I want him to stay and work at it, he is making such an effort but when I make any decision at the moment, I instantly question it.

Hpe your doctor's appointment goes OK. There is so much change in your life at the moment,and your husband's mood swings, no wonder you feel totally stressed out. And no, from your posts you don't sound as if you are the one who is depressed and has the problem. Your husband sounds dangerously unstable.

I don't know what to advise you, but if you feel hesitant about calling it a day with your husband, would it help to view his moving out as temporary (though don't exactly tell him that, you don't want to give him false hope). If you can stay on reasonable terms, and he got his act together and started to trust you etc etc perhaps you could start again. His moving out doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.

Thanks Tigermoth. I suspect the doctor will sign me off, at least until the end of the week, and Mum has agreed to have the kids during the day so I can have some me-time.

After last night, I feel scared to be on my own (I don't mean in a relationship way, I mean in a physical way i.e. don't want to be home alone) so have spoken to dh about it. He said he will do whatever I want so I said I would rather he stayed for a while because, whether we are together or not, I need his support right now. He said he wants to support me in whatever way he can. He really is making a MASSIVE effort.

Will update as soon as I can.

dcolagirl, I've only just noticed this. Good luck and reading the recent post from you, I agree that your h sounds unstable atm. Please don't leave this to get worse before you do something about it. I hope your appt was OK. Lots of sympathy.

Injuring you in front of the children/smashing the phone/suicidal threats/unjustified jealousy/wanting to check your knickers...all need to be taken seriously. Have you told your GP all this - especially the jealousy/knicker-checking, I know it's embarrassing but it's really important. Haven't read whole thread so forgive me if you've already done this but I'd also ring the local domestic violence helpline (GP police and social services can all give you the number and ours is in the phone book and on leaflets in the doctor's surgery and at the nursery) and talk all this over with them, anonymously if you like.

Sorry you are having such an awful time.

dcolagirl: are you OK?

Dcola girl....are you ok????

Sorry guys, was off for 18 weeks with stress. Things are much better now, I was very depressed and have been on Prozac since late October. This is my 2nd day back in the office and I'm struggling with work.

Hubby has changed dramatically, is working all the hours god sends and is now fab with the kids. Things are on the up and up.

While I was off sick, I found out that he had been seeing an 18 year old girl. I have had no contact with my ex whatsoever since November. We were very very honest and have built our trust back up to a level which I think is good in a relatively short space of time.

God bless you all.

dcolagirl - I have just read this thread. It sounds AWFUL for you!!!

I hope your hubby has changed permanently and it's not just a wee phase. I'm glad things are better for you. Hang in there at work. You'll have to give yourself a couple of weeks to get back into the swing of things. Keep posting!

dcolagirl, sorry you have been so unwell but glad to hear that things sound so much better between you both & your message sounds so positive - hope everything continues to go OK.

dcolagirl
very glad to see you back again, and hope things carry on improving.

dcolagirl, good to see you back and to hear that things have taken a turn for the better for you. Hope that continues. Are work letting you do a phased return (shorter days/weeks) at first? It can be a bit overwhelming otherwise.

Well guys, how things can change. Thanks for your postings. My boss is a skinny, narrow minded, single, childless anarchist and reduced me to tears yesterday. I went home at lunchtime in a real mess. I have contacted Employee Health Services and they are arranging a 4 hour day for 2 weeks, then gradually increasing over a period of time so I am now getting some support.

Also saw the doctor and he has increased my meds.

Will post again soon.

DC
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