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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me throw some light on this ?

56 replies

Thighdentitycrisis · 17/10/2021 22:48

Talking on the phone with DP
After a long talk I was just about to say something about X and he cut me off - to say “I wasn’t talking about X, I was talking about Y (the thing we had just discussed for the last hour)
I told him he interrupted me and I wanted to make a point and that it had evolved out of our conversation.
He said no he didn’t interrupt me
I said yes he did
He then countered with- do you think you haven’t interrupted me in the last hour ?
I said that’s not what we’re talking about. I raised the fact that you cut me off and you denied it, now you are trying to divert attention with this “noise”
He then told me I was difficult to talk to
I then said you are now telling me there is something wrong with me, can you not see what you are doing? And you think you are enlightened about control in relationships?
We ended the call then
Am I being unreasonable? Can you explain it to me? Basically were we still meant to be talking about X because I hadn’t agree with him 100%?

OP posts:
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 14:33

Hi op now you have posted a bit more it reminds me of my exh who would look for a disagreement it was his mo. I ended up avoiding discussing things at all because of his behaviour. It reminds me that my current dp tries to pull this shit sometimes too.

Rainbowshine · 18/10/2021 14:43

He sounds like a total bore and a sexist one at that. You’re not allowed to express any view contrary to his and also not allowed to change the subject?!

You don’t live together or see each other much, I would just end things and find someone who actually understands how conversations work and that you do have a mind of your own!

Lweji · 19/10/2021 09:25

I think he feels that he can’t discuss things with me, and the reason for that is because I have an opinion.

So, you sense he wants a yes woman?
Not good.

Industrialwash · 19/10/2021 13:12

My ex was like this, used to bore the tits off me about his work and then be angry if I changed the subject or tried to add to the conversation.
Honestly, it doesn't improve - just be glad you don't live together and you can split up with no drama

ChargingBuck · 19/10/2021 14:04

My voicing an opinion/engaging with the topic is seen as disagreeing with him.

Why is disagreeing with him a problem?
Does he just expect you to play muse to his Grand Thoughts?

Bluntness100 · 19/10/2021 14:10

You’ve kinda changed th goal posts. In thr argument initially neither of you were pleasant, but you escalated, the normal reaction to being told your interrupting or changing it is to say oh sorry I thought you’d finished, but you immediately escalated it

Now you’ve changed it to he doesn’t like you to have an opinion which is totally different to the op,

It’s clear you dislike each other so instead of this petty shit in fighting to be right, end it and move on.

BlueSlate · 19/10/2021 15:17

@ChargingBuck

My voicing an opinion/engaging with the topic is seen as disagreeing with him.

Why is disagreeing with him a problem?
Does he just expect you to play muse to his Grand Thoughts?

Reminds me of one man I dated who stated me disagreeing with him was one of my flaws.

"I'm 54 years old, I don't need that."

Don't need what? A woman with her own mind? Off you fuck then...

Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 19/10/2021 20:35

I don’t think I’ve changed the goal posts but agree it’s entirely possible

I don’t feel like he likes me to have an opinion that is not the same as his. The reason I think this is because he just keeps on repeating the same thing after I add to or challenge the point, it’s like he thinks I don’t hear him. The two things can both be happening simultaneously

If I were to try and improve things I would concentrate on affirmation of what he said and then adding my point. Maybe he would feel more heard then, but I don’t know if he would feel heard if I still added my point be it in agreement or not with his

The thing is he will keep on saying his thing like a broken record and eventually I usually blow up, say something rash and hurtful and then I am rightly seen as the perpetrator and him the victim and he takes no responsibility for his part in the exchange. I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 19/10/2021 20:38

He actually does have form for wanting a yes woman decades ago and I called him out on it and he broke up with me.

OP posts:
nomoreoilspills · 19/10/2021 20:55

OP what are you arguing about? Like, politics, or family issues, or your relationship, his character, your character, or spitiual stuff, or his social life or his work, or yours, what sort of thing? I think that that makes a difference.

Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 19/10/2021 22:12

Hmm usually it’s when he has read something on the news about what’s happening in my country and his opinion on it always seems skewed and judgmental
of the society where I live. I don’t defend it, but I give other perspectives I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 19/10/2021 22:13

It just always seems so conceited to me

OP posts:
nomoreoilspills · 19/10/2021 22:21

That does not sound good either. It might be time to part ways.

altmember · 19/10/2021 22:23

No idea how you can talk on the phone to someone for an hour plus just about X? That sounds really hard work unless it's something particularly major and complicated.

Shodan · 19/10/2021 23:58

The first half of your OP reminded me so much of my XH.

He would talk, I would listen and wait for the opportunity to contribute. When I started to talk, guaranteed he would interrupt, and we would then have the exact same kind of exchange that you described.

It got to the point where I didn't even bother to have an opinion, because I knew he would just talk over me. He had different ways of doing it too.

I ended up in a state where I doubted my own knowledge of things.

I can't say whether it might be the same for you. But if you think that it might be, I'd suggest ending it now, because it doesn't get any better.

(Incidentally- some time after we separated, we both went on a pre-booked family holiday together. He tried to do the same thing then and oh, the joy when I told him to SHUT UP until I'd finished saying my piece.Grin. )

Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 20/10/2021 08:14

I actually don’t think he drones on and on - l just find it hard to agree wholeheartedly with him so I add to it, and then he goes back to his point again

I’m beginning to think it’s not even worth dissecting in this much detail, I want to apologise to him because I think what I said before the end of the conversation was hurtful and unnecessary, and I care. I was just so frustrated and flipped. But other than that I’m just sad that we will never be compatible in this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 20/10/2021 08:16

It’s been helpful all the replies I have had here are helping me think things through

I just don’t want to make the break - we have been entangled so many years

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 20/10/2021 08:16

@Thighdentitycrisis

No we don’t live together

We are quite tense though - maybe there is always some kind of unspoken argument

Sounds awful. What’s the point of your relationship?
Rainbowshine · 20/10/2021 15:18

I just don’t want to make the break - we have been entangled so many years

Have a think about the sunken cost fallacy, and why you are “entangled”. Is that a healthy happy entanglement or one that is draining you?

Honestly the more you have described him I think less and less of him, he won’t let you make a point or express yourself unless it’s agreeing with him (ego massage) and he makes it seem like your fault he can’t cope with you having a different opinion or independent thought.

You’re living apart a long distance from him.

If you end it then you can focus on your wants, needs and be happy rather than ruminating about how he makes you feel crap.

Gilda152 · 20/10/2021 15:27

Do you disagree with him more than you agree with him, or find middle ground, as a rule?

I have been in a relationship with someone where if I said the grass was green he would say it was blue and this was to EVERYTHING and sometimes that's so draining. It's not that I wanted someone to agree with everything I said, but I certainly didn't want them to debate everything either. I have been the other party in this where I have found myself jumping on every statement a partner made and disagreeing almost compulsively, to the point I had to stop myself. It wasn't that either one of us was right or wrong, it was that we were not good together and everything was a bone of contention. I think this might be where you're at. When we want to bond with someone, we look for similiarities of outlooks and opinions and agree to disagree and let go of what we don't agree on. I think you're both looking the inevitable in the face but don't want to lose your sunken costs.

Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 20/10/2021 17:48

@Gilda152 I think you have read and summed up the posts correctly
I think I do disagree almost compulsively with him, not over everything but my buttons are certainly pushed and I can’t deny I must be a pain to try and converse with. However, this certainly isn’t all the time. We just don’t make each other happy enough of the time. Every time we argue like this I ask him if wants to leave the relationship but he doesn’t. It feels like he is always giving me another chance. And I don’t have the insight to change or end the relationship.

I want to apologise but I don’t want to get dragged back in

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/10/2021 18:00

You're on a long distance relationship that doesn't make you happy. Just end it.
What are you getting from it?

Rainbowshine · 20/10/2021 19:13

Can you explain more about what insight you need to end the relationship?

It’s just that in my opinion you don’t really need insight. It’s just not going well and isn’t that great.

Rainbowshine · 20/10/2021 19:21

Sorry posted too soon!

I want to apologise but I don’t want to get dragged back in

You can apologise AND end it in the same conversation. They are not mutually exclusive.

“I’ve been thinking about how that conversation went and I know I could have handled that differently. It’s made me realise that we’re not compatible in some ways that are fundamental and important for me. I’ve decided that I can’t continue in this relationship, it’s not working for me. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just we’re not right for each other. Take care and best wishes, @Thighdentitycrisis”

How’s that? Is it making it easier for you to visualise the conversation with him?

Original poster
Thighdentitycrisis · 20/10/2021 19:36

Thanks, part of me wants to say it like that. I’m sure we both feel that we are incompatible in many ways but in other ways we are very compatible and close
It’s just not as simple as “not working, end it” for me. I wish it was and I’m not doubting that there are situations when that is appropriate, I’ve been in them and acted accordingly. Can’t seem to be so decisive in this. Something I can’t put my finger on what holds me and him back.

We’ve been on / off and very good friends in between for over 35 years. We don’t love arguing though, and have never argued so much as during this iteration.

OP posts: